To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

No Yanbu to miss your eldest. That's a long time to go without seeing an adult child.
As the other children are still young, why not get token Christmas and birthday gifts this year or next year. It's not like they'll be asking for I phones for Christmas. The family holiday can be to go and see their older sibling.

Judging the age gaps, it looks like you entered a new relationship at a crucial stage of DC1 life, one that didn't work out, two very young children takes up your time.
Did DS help out much? Toddlers and teenagers are a difficult balance.
He'll come back sometime, don't ask him again, he'll start avoiding any contact, keep it light.
Let him enjoy his new life.
Or ask him to pay for your flight, pay him back over a year.

One of your family holidays should be to see your son, why wouldn’t it be?

Devastate = destroy, ruin. Overwhelmed by shock or grief.

If thats truly how you feel OP I suggest you seek counselling to talk through your feelings.

My own ds Ive seen once a year for the past 3 years. For on average 5 hours each time. As I said upthread, yes it hurts but hes travelling the world and living his best life. He is an adult and is free to make his own choices. Although I would rather see him more often Im proud that Ive apparently helped him to develop the skills and confidence to be set free and live his best life.

Your son didn't ask for half-brothers either!

He's young, he's having fun, it's not about you. He might be thinking about setting down at some point, having kids, and then be stuck with the kids and seeing his family. Might as well make the most of his freedom now while he can.

He might not be in a rush to come home, because he feels what you think about his girlfriend, but mainly because he knows it's "home", it's there, il will be there tomorrow.

They didn’t ask for their brother to move away.

And your oldest son didn’t ask for you to have two more children with another man, but you did. And now the consequence is you can’t see your oldest as much - maybe he’s upset and angry with you for your decisions in the same way you seem to be angry with him for his.

She also says she can afford family holidays for her younger children - so why not make one of those holidays a trip to see their big brother next time he’s in Europe?

I wouldn’t feel too great if my mum had met a new man, had kids with him then told me they’re the reason she can’t afford to come and visit, tbh.

I understand that you’re going to miss him, but he’s living the most wonderful life with someone he obviously cares for very much. Why would he turn down a move to some exotic, far flung location for a couple of months, so he could visit his mum for a couple of days? This is his time to be having these experiences.

I think you have to accept that you are nowhere near the centre of his universe anymore. He’s grown up and you’ve given him the tools to get out into the world and have all of these amazing experiences before he thinks about settling in one place.

So he shouldn’t have made a commitment to her, if he couldn’t fufill it then, should he? I mean he is literally a 26 year old man. Her other children are quite young, so I’m not sure she can just drop them to visit. It seems the OP is trying to maintain the relationship though why do you think she isn’t? You say disposable income like she is throwing money at her children- she literally said they are just about getting by.

God, the drama. He hasn't "ruined your mum's life", FFS. He is an adult and has flown the nest, as adults are meant to do.

I could have this all wrong but it sounds like when the OP’s DS was in his mid teens she hooked up with a new man who she proceeded to have 2 kids with and now he’s fucked off which suggests he may not have been that great to start with. All of which may explain why he’s not too fussed about coming back to see her.

The reality is that as his age he’s doing his own thing and the onus is on parents to make the effort to see them. May not be fair but realistically that’s what it is. So it’s up to the OP to start saving.

Flying from a different continent is not ‘a matter of hours’ though, is it? It’s a number of days and many hundreds of pounds.

OP has a young family. She is not a vulnerable OAP unable to travel. Why is she released from responsibility for maintaining contact with her adult son because she is choosing to spend what disposable income she has on subsequent children?

Not sure I would be feeling the love if I was her son. She is showing him exactly where he sits in her priorities.

Also, I seem to remember your previous thread. Is your son's Dad going out to visit him? Is there still tension about that?

Could you not make one of your family holidays a visit to see him? I can’t see if that’s been suggested here but I haven’t RTFT.

Ouch.

I'm not saying it's easy, but it sounds like you are judging your son for not spending his money on coming to see you, whilst also not prioritising saving money to go see him.

So you can afford it. You’re just choosing the spend the money elsewhere, including on holidays with his other siblings. Do you think this is something he might resent?

I voted YANBU but only because I can only imagine the level of gut-wrenching guilt tripping I’d have got from my mum if I even dreamt of doing such a thing.

Slightly dramatic on this is the way to lose a relationship with your child. The OP is not ‘demanding’. She hasn’t seen her son in two years and it sounds like he agreed to come home for Christmas and is now back tracking. It’s natural for the OP to feel upset over this, after HE initially agreed. And I repeat - it has been 2 years since she has seen him. I am also not saying adult children must pander to the whims and desires of their parents wishes but a relationship goes both ways

It really isn’t a ridiculous take. I am an adult who carves out time during the holiday season to visit my mother as I know it is imprtsnt to her- it’s difficult sometimes but I make it work. It’s literally a few hours - the OP is asking for a few hours from the entire YEAR and somehow this is unreasonable. Are they friends?

YANBU hes going through an exciting time in his life exploring the world and finding his feet. I remember being that age and being more distant from my mum and now I have a child I can’t imagine her doing it to me! But she will and if anything, it’s an accolade to you for bringing up such an independent assured child. It’s hard and tough but he’s just enjoying life and at some point he will want to come home and see you. I think he knows you’ll always be there and therefore there is no rush for him to get back to you. Try and take it as a good thing xx

This is not a new problem. My DF used to tell me that he didn’t go home for three years when he did his national service in the 1950s. He was in his early 20s having a whale of a time at the other end of the country. He dutifully rang home every week and apparently all my grandma used to say to him was “When are you coming home?” which put him off even more. So when both me and my sibling had opportunities to spend time working abroad, he was proud and happy for us, gave us his blessing and told us to make the most of it. And then went to evening classes to learn how to do email and Skype and bought a computer and enjoyed following our adventures online. I know he missed us but he told us we had to live our own lives.

Whereas DM just remembered her family members who emigrated to the West coast of America in the 1950s and who wrote every couple of months and came home once a decade. She spent every moment we were abroad (different continents) fretting and crying if a friend of hers asked how we were doing. She refused to learn to use the computer and couldn’t even text on her mobile phone but then complained that Dad knew more than she did about what we were doing, even though he’d print off our emails and photos for her.

Both my sibling and I returned to the UK and married and settled down and have been around to support our parents in their twilight years. I loved(d) them both, but it’s Dad’s quiet pride I miss more than Mum’s anxiety.

Relationships are a two-way street when you’re an adult. I still think it’s cruel to not go and visit a good mum who put maybe twenty years into bringing you up.

Do you Zoom regularly? I live in a different country from my DF and we have a video chat regularly. During the Covid lockdowns when he was stuck at home on his own we did a video chat every day.

It sound like the main hurt is that you feel he's pulling away and are worried he's going low contact. In this situation is sounds like he's just having way too much fun living this exciting lifestyle that he's not doing anything deliberately.
y
Next time they get to a country a bit closer why don't you save enough just for a ticket for you - have your younger kids stay with their Dad - and then you can spend some quality time with him without having to split your attention with his siblings.

I would make sure you tell him regularly how proud and happy you are that he's exploring the world - if you nag him too much about coming home he'll probably resent you and feel less like making the effort.