To feel out of my depth with teen DD?

No, not an immediate fix. An EHCP takes time. All the more reason to do in now rather than waiting months. Section 19 provision is quicker, although may still take a parent challenging the LA. Even if OP’s DD remains at the current school, it is clear she needs more support at school so OP should look at requesting an EHCP regardless.

also agree 100% that she can be enjoying it a bit AND masking AND overwhelmed AND not really know what it is that is the problem- it could be a whole raft of sensory things that haven't really been explored yet or even brought to her conscious attention.

I’m trying to support her as much as I can, but I don’t know what is teenage hormones, what is anxiety, what is ADHD, what is a normal fear of starting something new?

OP, I really feel for you. And I don't want to scare you - but you're writing like someone who's only just starting to apprehend what the ADHD brain is like, and how you might need to support your daughter. It's a big learning journey for you as well, you can't rush it, but I am afraid I am going to freak you out because I think you need to lean into this and take some action.

I wish someone had told me, when I was in the same place.

The advice I would give, from having come through the first shock of diagnosis, school avoidance, burnout... is that you will need to let go of the idea that she's going to settle in, calm down a bit, and everything will be back to normal. I'm really sorry to say it and I honestly don't want to spook you, but your normal has gone. Even the "But I've paid foe 2 terms and it's not realistic to waste that money!!" comes from your old life.

A ND child who's starting to say "Nope, I cannot go to school" doesnt just chill out and go back to how she was before. The scary bit is that they can go from a mild "no, I don't like it much" to complete burnout and self harm, in a matter of weeks, if the right support doesn't start to come in.

It utterly sucks for you, because it's a shock, and lots of extra work for you. But I think you have to- now, before it gets worse - do the following.

1. Read loads of Naomi Fisher courses. Follow That Parent and The Autistic Sendco on Facebook (I know DD is not autistic but still helpful). Start to steep yourself in the wisdom of people who are really helpful. Otherwise you will get the classic Ebsa guidance type bollocks which tell you to force her in, and you need to get clued up to advocate for her, sometimes even politely disagreeing with people like teachers or SEND staff.

1. Get an OT. Pay privately if you need - is there one attached to the school? Could she have OT in the school day? How about a psychotherapist? Who diagnosed her? go back to them for the next wave of support.

1. Work with the school sendco. Does your DD have an individual learning plan (private schools make these)? Warning! Private schools sell themselves on being low demand environments because they are small classes and an intense, quite rich, curriculum. However, they are often not really, setting behavioural expectations which are far stricter than other schools. Uniform, eye contact, no shouting, sitting still. The ethos is not inherently inclusive and they will gaslight you to tell you that it is. You need to get a sense of how the sendco sees things and what is available to help her anxiety. Does she have inattentive or hyper ADHD?

1. Does the send team think you should apply for ehcp - or maybe do that in a few month's time when you know more. I was ready with an astonishingly great pack of materials and knew exactly what to do, when I did it - however, two months before, I wss clueless, so it really is a steep learning curve.

I hope this is helpful, I don't want to be officious and know it all, but I've been thinking about your post and I am worried that you are going to be faced with a bigger change than you currently think is coming. Best of luck x

And the LA may theoretically have a duty but how will it take for them to put anything in place. It will surely be many months of battle with her losing out on learning.

But it is the truth and not a lie
There IS a two term notice period
How are her parents supposed to afford an online school (thousands of pounds a year) whilst also paying out for the unused private school place? For most people this would be impossible.
The school she is rejecting is already what many parents of ND children would give their eye teeth for ie small class sizes and individualised.
It’s catch 22 for the parents as they have to work to afford to pay for non mainstream state education options and yet surely they cannot leave a 13 year old home alone all day every day
oh and some people think they should also pay for therapy.
I just can’t understand how this is practically an option unless you are a millionaire

But they mask. She was showing you what she thought you wanted to see…..

That is not the law.

Parents can request an EHCNA even if their DC is at an independent school.

The duty under section 19 of the Education Act 1996 to provide a suitable full-time education to compulsory school aged pupils who wouldn’t otherwise receive it, including because of illness/SEN, still applies when the child is in an independent school.

I thought they didn’t intervene if the dc was at independent school.

Theres loads of online schools.

This is why you MUST get an EHCP!

Working doesn’t mean there aren’t options if school is inappropriate. EOTAS/EOTIS via an EHCP and alternative provision under section 19 of the Education Act 1996 is not EHE. LAs cannot compel parents to facilitate or deliver provision whether they work or not. That is the LA’s responsibility.

We’re only just beginning year 10, and I didn’t mean to suggest our daughter accepts our response, it comes up every day just about!

I hear you though, it is about being unable to go, unable to deal with an environment that doesn’t meet their needs. Sending love, I hope you and your child are doing okay now.

We told ours home schooling wasn’t an option.

Made not a jot of difference. Not one jot. Even with every explanation x100.

Dc are different. My dd was too unwell to attend even though she wanted to. It’s not about not wanting to go, it’s about being unable to go.

You got lucky. Mine made it through Y10. The hell came later.

You need to push for an EHCP in case the unthinkable happens.

On the choices thing, I take the view that I can take her preferences into account but she’s not making the call on school. But there are things she can choose (for us it’s what night we arranged tutoring for, whether she takes packed lunch or buys it, whether she wants to participate in anything extra at school etc)

appreciate very difficult when dealing with that black and white / all or nothing attitude and it sounds like your daughter might be more firmly in that space than mine.

I haven’t read all replies yet @ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath so apologies for any repetition.

First of all, huge hugs, I could have written this about my daughter who has just gone into year 10. We haven’t moved schools as we, and our daughter, recognise that all the things she struggles with (environment, what she sees as unfairness, pointless rules, too much noise / distraction / people etc) but she has made the same argument to us over and over on home schooling and her attendance is already very poor for the year.

I have been very clear that we recognise that school is a tough environment, but home or online schooling is not an option. She will not be able to self motivate to do it, and we both work full time, so cannot be at her to do it.

School doesn’t have an EHCP and school support is a whole other (mostly negative) story but she does seem to be finding things both better and worse going into year 10.

Sorry none of this is entirely helpful but wanted to let you know you are not alone, I have also had the very same “school is not optional” outburst, and there have been many tears from all of us.

Our focus has been to get her to look at what she can take from schooling, it’s the way the world works and yes it’s not the right place for her but she can and will do it. She’s really looking forward to being able to get a job which she thinks will be loads better even though I’ve explained that there’s lots of the same things 😂

Personally, I wouldn’t EHE. But I would pursue an EHCP. If it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school, with an EHCP you can look at EOTAS/EOTIS. In the meantime, if DD can’t attend school, the LA is responsible for ensuring she still receives a suitable full-time education so request alternative provision. On their website, ISPEA has a model letter you can use. Forcing DD to attend when she isn’t able to is likely to result in further trauma.

It is far, far more likely it is can’t not won’t even if it comes across as won’t or DD says it is won’t.

What are DD’s interests? That is often a ‘way in’ to providing support.

I would explore medication. Some capsules can be broken open and sprinkled on food to be taken

She is a 13 yr old, who given her ADHD diagnosis is likely to have social and emotional delays.
Trying something and when the initial dopamine hit from the newness wears off deciding you don’t like it is absolutely part of the ADHD experience however education isn’t the same as an after school sports club.
I would be setting this up as you have to go to school to get an education, let’s keep on looking at how we make this work better for you. What ideas can you think of to make this smoother and easier.
Acknowledge her discomfort and distress, look at what can change and remind her that she can do hard things.
I would give somewhat different advice if she had an autism diagnosis, so I would also make sure that you are as sure as you can be what her diagnosis are.

Almost everything you’ve posted is based on your incorrect comprehension of the OPs posts:

• the DD is unable to take tablets, hence the mixing in with liquids - no suggestion of this being a way to sneak meds without her consent
• changing schools was at the DDs request, not the OP choosing to push her there against her will
• it is not a lie to say that there is a notice period - they’re on the hook for two terms of fees, legally, and therefore paying for online school as well is not going to happen until at least after that point

On top of that, two weeks is a very short space of time to be in a new setting - that’s a fact. It may be enough time to have decided she really isn’t going to be happy there, but it also might not have been long enough to give it a fair chance. It’s reasonable to ask that she gives it a bit longer before jumping into a different option. What if she decides after two weeks of online school that she doesn’t like that either? School is harder for ND young people and there are going to be significant differences in how they manage individual situations, but equally there are things that we all have to try and protect our children from from our perspective as experienced adults, including potentially giving up on things too quickly and missing out on opportunities, etc. as a result.

But you felt fine trying out your idea of a new school. Why does it matter where she got the idea from? She has also done the research. This isn’t an impulse on her part as it has endured.

Be careful you aren’t stringing her along with false hope. If you’ve made up your mind, don’t be saying you are still seriously considering doing an online school just to keep peace.

What you believe about her school is only 0.01% of what the school is actually like. You aren’t there all day every day as a 13yo student with ADHD.

Her opinions on whether this school is good for her are vastly more informed than yours.