Page 2 | To feel out of my depth with teen DD?

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 2025-09-20T13:02:10+00:00

I type this from officially the end of my tether and when I say I'm desperate for advice, I mean I'm DESPERATE and would welcome thoughts and suggestions before I completely lose my mind/marbles/will to live. My DD is a glorious creature and I adore the bones of her, but I'm questioning everything from our parenting style and our ability to do right by her and for her (and her sister, which is a whole other story) and I suspect I need some tough love from MN as I can't see the wood for the trees. DD is 13 and has ADHD which manifests itself with Demand Avoidance and Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria, which means that her setting is that everyone and everything is against her. Growing up, she has experienced a lot of teasing, bullying and comments about her height (she's always been the smallest in her year by some way) and this has shaped her attitude and response to life. She regards any comment as a potential attack on her (when they very rarely are) and while she seems feisty and brave, she's actually the very opposite. Recently we moved her school - for countless reasons but also in response to her request as she'd had a tough time over the past couple of years and we all agreed a fresh start would be good, and she was on board with this. She saw all the benefits of the move, and seemed to understand the reality of the move and that it would take time to settle in and become familiar. She was nervous, but was brilliant in tackling it head on - we've told her countless times how impressed we are and how proud of her. She's now been in her new school for a couple of weeks and despite coming out smiling and with lots of positive chat (and really positive feedback from the teachers) and new friendships forming, she's now decided that she hates it and, having been off a few days with a horrible bug, she's said she won't be going back on Monday. She initially said she wanted to go back to her old school, but is now campaigning to be homeschooled with online classes as she says, the education system is failing and it's not right for her. She's sent me case studies and links to back up why online learning is better for her. This is all repeated behaviour. She rejects or reacts against things in a heartbeat, and it can be anything from a particular meal, outfit or TV programme to a holiday destination, activity, friendship or in this case, school. It's like she has to have something to lash out at or fight against. She goes to the immediate big reaction (I HATE IT) but then it's so hard to move her from that viewpoint. She can't (not won't) see any other perspective or the bigger picture, it's like the shutters have come down. We've asked what she'd like to change about school ('all of it'), what doesn't she like ('all of it'), what's good about it ('none of it'), and what in particular makes her so unhappy ('the environment'), but we see her when she comes out and she's genuinely OK. We appreciate it's not going to feel familiar and safe yet, but she's just not wanting to give it time - preferring to stay away and not engage with it. What doesn't help is that she won't talk face to face, so to go deeper, we have to converse by message. She won't talk, she doesn't want to talk to a counsellor or a therapist, and instead she focusses on something new/different which will solve all the problems. I'm really struggling to know what to do. Our parenting style has always been to work with the kids, not just tell them what's what, but I don't think this is actually always the right thing. In my research it says kids with Demand Avoidance need to have choices and control, but how when it's something as critical as school? And, in life, we don't always have choice or control, we have to ride the waves and be brave and do things we don't want to do. The fact is she's not given it a chance to become familiar and great, she's given it a few days and made her mind up, and this isn't how you can go through life. We've tried all different approaches - gentle encouragement, telling her how proud we are of her, cheering her in and celebrating wins, getting cross and telling her she HAS to go. In desperation to try something different I even shouted and said how she would be going in, school wasn't optional, and that I would pick her up and carry her in if it came to it. Not my finest parenting but I was desperate to try and get through to her, and she then told me all the ways in which I don't understand her, or even try to, and how I judge her and it makes her feel worse. We've always tried to be her biggest champion, but I can't help but feel we're continually going wrong. Any ideas or suggestions for what to do next?

JMSA · 20/09/2025 20:57

@whatohwhattodo

Oh my days, my daughter is SO obsessive. She will harp on about something endlessly. Next year, she is going to visit a friend of mine in a country that she has always wanted to visit. A normal level of excitement would be lovely and so infectious. And I am happy for her. But this is off the scale! It can’t just be normal excitement, it’s got to be ‘oh, I hate the UK. I’ll never be happy until I live in X.’ It’s like a constant block to everyday satisfaction and contentment.
I swear, it’s bloody exhausting to listen to.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/09/2025 20:40

UNDERCOVERELEPHANTINTHEROOM · 20/09/2025 20:15

Not read every page, but wanted to hop on to say I agree that ADHD meds can be incredibly effective, they can increase focus and concentration, reduce anxiety and overwhelm and generally help someone with ADHD feel so much better.

However, the medication is also known to have various side effects, from minor to quite serious side effects.
Most people on ADHD meds need to drastically reduce or even cut out all caffeine and energy drinks as these have a stimulating effect.
There are also common side effects such as stomach issues, constipation, diarrhoea, severe reduction in appetite, nausea that ranges from mild to severe, sleep issues, and you are advised to take the medication in the morning for this reason, headaches, and more seriously, the stimulant variety of these meds raises your heart rate and blood pressure.
Many people experience heart palpations on these meds too.
While anyone embarking on these meds will be asked for a history of heart problems in the family and in the patient, some people will be unaware they have an issue until after they begin the meds.
Most people are put on the stimulant variety.
My DC has combined ADHD and struggled immensely but felt so much better mentally taking the meds, was prescribed Xaggitin XL to start with. This worked well, but created side effects of such severe nausea that she had to take another medication to offset the nausea, which whilst 'switching off' the nausea, did nothing to prevent the vomiting, so we had a situation where there was almost no warning that she was going to vomit, not the easiest thing to deal with when you are travelling or walking around the shops. Xaggitin XL also created a severe lack of appetite so weight had to be strictly monitored, and then there were the headaches.
Still, DD persevered with this med, because of the positive effects, less emotional eruptions, was able to focus for longer on work, felt calmer.
Until there was a shortage of Xaggitin XL and DD was changed to Medikinet.
The original side effects remained, but now there were stomach issues, infected skin rashes and chest pains as well.
We were told these would settle down, so at this point, DD is prescribed antibiotic creams and wash lotion to combat the skin infections, but the chest pains got worse and DD has a high pain threshold! It became debilitating so back to the paediatrician, who prescribes Xaggitin XL again, and we search every month for a pharmacy that has it in stock, except the side effects were still present, even after 3 months, so another change to Concerta. Side effects persisted and
at this point, DD is on 7 different medications to offset the side effects of the ADHD meds, which the paediatrician agreed was bonkers!
So another change to Elvanse and this reduced the side effects to the point that DD could reduce the meds for side effects down from 7 to 4.
This is not medication to take without fully weighing up benefit versus downsides, and it did absolutely nothing to reduce DD's demand avoidance!
Frankly, I'm astonished at the posts that extol the virtues of this type of medication without any mention of the risks.
Even if your child is fortunate enough not to have any of the common side effects, this medication is a stimulant (in most cases) and in almost all people, raises their blood pressure and heart rate noticeably.

But not everyone gets these. My dd who is ultra sensitive to EVERYTHING got through the first month of nausea and sleeplessness and then was fine.

The reduced appetite helped her shift the weight she’s put in through seeking dopamine sugar. But then that settled after 6 months and now her appetite is normal.

whatohwhattodo · 20/09/2025 20:34

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 20/09/2025 19:33

JMSA, thank you for sharing.

And yes, I get it completely. I love her desperately but she can be relentless in her quest for things, but it's never enough. A different phone. A new Jellycat. A lip balm, or even a food. Then she has it, and it's briefly marvellous and then she moves onto the next thing which is bigger, better or different. Whatever she has, it's not quite right and it's hard to explain without her coming across as spoilt when I'm sure it's the constant need for that dopamine hit.

oh god my daughter too. She fixates on something and never bloody shuts up about it. Will be out shopping with friends and fixate on a coat she must have. It’s one she’s wanted for 2 years (despite never mentioning it) expects me to transfer £90 on the spot to buy it.

Then I obviously say no and she starts going in about her coats, I try and say but I thought that was the one you wanted and must have so why do you want a different one.

Its endless. I joke she will get everything in life she wants because she will just grind people down until they give in.

UNDERCOVERELEPHANTINTHEROOM · 20/09/2025 20:15

Not read every page, but wanted to hop on to say I agree that ADHD meds can be incredibly effective, they can increase focus and concentration, reduce anxiety and overwhelm and generally help someone with ADHD feel so much better.

However, the medication is also known to have various side effects, from minor to quite serious side effects.
Most people on ADHD meds need to drastically reduce or even cut out all caffeine and energy drinks as these have a stimulating effect.
There are also common side effects such as stomach issues, constipation, diarrhoea, severe reduction in appetite, nausea that ranges from mild to severe, sleep issues, and you are advised to take the medication in the morning for this reason, headaches, and more seriously, the stimulant variety of these meds raises your heart rate and blood pressure.
Many people experience heart palpations on these meds too.
While anyone embarking on these meds will be asked for a history of heart problems in the family and in the patient, some people will be unaware they have an issue until after they begin the meds.
Most people are put on the stimulant variety.
My DC has combined ADHD and struggled immensely but felt so much better mentally taking the meds, was prescribed Xaggitin XL to start with. This worked well, but created side effects of such severe nausea that she had to take another medication to offset the nausea, which whilst 'switching off' the nausea, did nothing to prevent the vomiting, so we had a situation where there was almost no warning that she was going to vomit, not the easiest thing to deal with when you are travelling or walking around the shops. Xaggitin XL also created a severe lack of appetite so weight had to be strictly monitored, and then there were the headaches.
Still, DD persevered with this med, because of the positive effects, less emotional eruptions, was able to focus for longer on work, felt calmer.
Until there was a shortage of Xaggitin XL and DD was changed to Medikinet.
The original side effects remained, but now there were stomach issues, infected skin rashes and chest pains as well.
We were told these would settle down, so at this point, DD is prescribed antibiotic creams and wash lotion to combat the skin infections, but the chest pains got worse and DD has a high pain threshold! It became debilitating so back to the paediatrician, who prescribes Xaggitin XL again, and we search every month for a pharmacy that has it in stock, except the side effects were still present, even after 3 months, so another change to Concerta. Side effects persisted and
at this point, DD is on 7 different medications to offset the side effects of the ADHD meds, which the paediatrician agreed was bonkers!
So another change to Elvanse and this reduced the side effects to the point that DD could reduce the meds for side effects down from 7 to 4.
This is not medication to take without fully weighing up benefit versus downsides, and it did absolutely nothing to reduce DD's demand avoidance!
Frankly, I'm astonished at the posts that extol the virtues of this type of medication without any mention of the risks.
Even if your child is fortunate enough not to have any of the common side effects, this medication is a stimulant (in most cases) and in almost all people, raises their blood pressure and heart rate noticeably.

Blazercup · 20/09/2025 20:09

Mine is so contrary that she doesn’t like jelly cats now they are popular 😂.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/09/2025 20:04

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 20/09/2025 19:33

JMSA, thank you for sharing.

And yes, I get it completely. I love her desperately but she can be relentless in her quest for things, but it's never enough. A different phone. A new Jellycat. A lip balm, or even a food. Then she has it, and it's briefly marvellous and then she moves onto the next thing which is bigger, better or different. Whatever she has, it's not quite right and it's hard to explain without her coming across as spoilt when I'm sure it's the constant need for that dopamine hit.

Bloody jellycats!

Mines got piles of them. Then she got overwhelmed by her jellycats!!!! So she has a select few. The rest are gathering dust in the attic.

When my dd was still in children’s services, the pyschologist we saw said loads of girls collect jellycats. She knew all about Bashfuls and Corderoys.

AltitudeCheck · 20/09/2025 19:58

LoremIpsumCici · 20/09/2025 16:51

So basically lie and then set her up to fail. Nice.

Show quote history

What was a lie? What was setting her up to fail?

OP was considering home schooling as an alternative to DD refusing to go but feels the current school is better choice. Home schooling isn't easy and OP can't set it up instantly. She needs to present her DD with some options and choices and explain what DD needs to do to access those choices.

Did you have anything helpful to say?

Blazercup · 20/09/2025 19:49

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 20/09/2025 19:33

JMSA, thank you for sharing.

And yes, I get it completely. I love her desperately but she can be relentless in her quest for things, but it's never enough. A different phone. A new Jellycat. A lip balm, or even a food. Then she has it, and it's briefly marvellous and then she moves onto the next thing which is bigger, better or different. Whatever she has, it's not quite right and it's hard to explain without her coming across as spoilt when I'm sure it's the constant need for that dopamine hit.

Oh my gosh this is totally her too. Never satisfied (or not for long anyway)

flawlessflipper · 20/09/2025 19:47

You’ll need evidence from your GP.

This is an unlawful LA blanket policy. It is not the law.

Blazercup · 20/09/2025 19:45

I have a dd like this. No diagnosis (assessed once for asd who pretty much said she could hold an intelligent conversation and had insight into how she feels so she’s fine 🙄).

Managed to drag her through school with a lot of support from her friends until it all fell apart in year 10 and she barely attended the last 18 months of high school. Scraped a couple of GCSEs with a lot of accommodations and is now just coming out the other side and started to do work experience.

I think she probably was in burnout although I hadn’t heard of that at the time. She barely left her room for 6 months, stopped eating, lots of self harming. I totally recognise the school refusal leading to ‘life refusal’ situation. Extremely stressful and miserable for the whole family.

Today she has been out shopping with her grandparents and then been out for a big family birthday meal. Both would have been completely unthinkable this time last year.

I am loving having my daughter back now the pressure of school is gone. I very much wish I’d taken her out sooner.

Our EOTAS agreement came through the week before she started her GCSEs having applied for it a year prior so if the refusal continues and her mental health declines I recommend you get the ball rolling with that asap. You’ll need evidence from your GP.

I really feel for you-the ‘wanting to go back to her old school’ thinking is probably why I didn’t move mine-I knew she wouldn’t be any happier in a new environment.
Yours sounds like it’s worth trying for longer.
I would have a chat with her along the lines of … being ill makes you feel more unsettled. Your brain can’t make good decisions when you’ve been ill. Take some time to feel better and think again in a few days.

CancelTheTableAlan · 20/09/2025 19:41

I wish I could!

BetterWithPockets · 20/09/2025 19:40

OP, I know it doesn’t address the main point of your post, but as a former teacher, whenever I hear someone (parent or another teacher) say they’ve ‘tried everything’, I always think that means they’ve actually been really inconsistent, which is rarely successful, whatever the context. I know it’s very tempting to try different approaches when you’re desperate to find something that works but, personally, I think have faith in your ‘normal’ parenting style (because you sound very sensible and caring) and stick to it — whatever that might mean in this situation.
Also, good luck…

Original poster

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 20/09/2025 19:35

CancelthetableAlan off topic I know, but I initially thought your username was CanceltheTaliban. Very different.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 20/09/2025 19:33

JMSA, thank you for sharing.

And yes, I get it completely. I love her desperately but she can be relentless in her quest for things, but it's never enough. A different phone. A new Jellycat. A lip balm, or even a food. Then she has it, and it's briefly marvellous and then she moves onto the next thing which is bigger, better or different. Whatever she has, it's not quite right and it's hard to explain without her coming across as spoilt when I'm sure it's the constant need for that dopamine hit.

OP posts:

CancelTheTableAlan · 20/09/2025 19:31

@CarelessWispah Im sorry to hear of your situation too x

OP it sounds like you know a lot already, and it must be hard managing your own diagnosis too. x

JMSA · 20/09/2025 19:24

I could have written this about my 16 year old daughter. The latter part of high school was a disaster, with school refusal, but I’m pleased to say that college is going so much better (not 6th form college, as that’s still school!). I love her to bits but her fixed mindset drives me fucking loopy. I recently treated her to getting her hair dyed at a salon. Not cheap. She’s already talking about the next colour she wants it to be. It’s like she’s never bloody happy.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 20/09/2025 19:24

LoremIpsumCici · 20/09/2025 16:49

You absolutely cannot give prescription drugs to a competent 13yo without their consent! This is unethical and illegal. The way the child has researched online schools, proposed it to her parents and even sent studies supporting it for children with ADHD indicates she likely meets Gillik competence. Which means it is ultimately her choice when it comes to any medical treatment.

See bottom of p3 onwards:

https://www.cqc.org.uk/sites/default/files/BriefguideCapacityandconsentinunder18s%20v3.pdf#page3

Edited

Show quote history

Erm, that's not what I said. I said if she can't swallow tablets, put the contents in something else. They can tell her they're doing it!

Original poster

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 20/09/2025 19:21

Thank you all for the really thoughtful responses, I feel even more worried but far less alone in dealing with them.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm not taking her seriously, or minimising the posts on here advising me to tread carefully. Her wellbeing is absolutely at the top of our priorities, and we won't be downplaying what she is telling us, while we navigating the logistics of the coming weeks/months.

This thread has opened my eyes to how this could be the beginning of a huge shift reflecting something much deeper and more complex, rather than what we hoped was a knee-jerk reaction to feeling uncertain and uncomfortable somewhere new. I do admit that I hope she can 'settle in and be fine' but I know this may not be the case.

She and I are currently conversing, via message, and she now knows homeschool isn't a viable option - for now at least - so she now says she wants to go back to her old school, and that it wasn't that bad.

So much to consider, and I'm so grateful for you all for sharing experience and insight.

OP posts:

flawlessflipper · 20/09/2025 19:15

CarelessWispah · 20/09/2025 19:11

LA refused to assess as school hasn’t met spend criteria, and won’t, so not sure how to take it forward! But agree it’s necessary.

sorry OP did not mean to make this about us!

Show quote history

Did you appeal?

There is no ‘spend criteria’. The only lawful test for an EHCNA is a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need special educational provision to be made via an EHCP. Any other test, such as having to have spent £6k, 2+ APDR cycles, 2+ years behind or any other such nonsense is not lawful and not correct.

CarelessWispah · 20/09/2025 19:14

CancelTheTableAlan · 20/09/2025 18:52

I’m trying to support her as much as I can, but I don’t know what is teenage hormones, what is anxiety, what is ADHD, what is a normal fear of starting something new?

OP, I really feel for you. And I don't want to scare you - but you're writing like someone who's only just starting to apprehend what the ADHD brain is like, and how you might need to support your daughter. It's a big learning journey for you as well, you can't rush it, but I am afraid I am going to freak you out because I think you need to lean into this and take some action.

I wish someone had told me, when I was in the same place.

The advice I would give, from having come through the first shock of diagnosis, school avoidance, burnout... is that you will need to let go of the idea that she's going to settle in, calm down a bit, and everything will be back to normal. I'm really sorry to say it and I honestly don't want to spook you, but your normal has gone. Even the "But I've paid foe 2 terms and it's not realistic to waste that money!!" comes from your old life.

A ND child who's starting to say "Nope, I cannot go to school" doesnt just chill out and go back to how she was before. The scary bit is that they can go from a mild "no, I don't like it much" to complete burnout and self harm, in a matter of weeks, if the right support doesn't start to come in.

It utterly sucks for you, because it's a shock, and lots of extra work for you. But I think you have to- now, before it gets worse - do the following.

Read loads of Naomi Fisher courses. Follow That Parent and The Autistic Sendco on Facebook (I know DD is not autistic but still helpful). Start to steep yourself in the wisdom of people who are really helpful. Otherwise you will get the classic Ebsa guidance type bollocks which tell you to force her in, and you need to get clued up to advocate for her, sometimes even politely disagreeing with people like teachers or SEND staff.

Get an OT. Pay privately if you need - is there one attached to the school? Could she have OT in the school day? How about a psychotherapist? Who diagnosed her? go back to them for the next wave of support.

Work with the school sendco. Does your DD have an individual learning plan (private schools make these)? Warning! Private schools sell themselves on being low demand environments because they are small classes and an intense, quite rich, curriculum. However, they are often not really, setting behavioural expectations which are far stricter than other schools. Uniform, eye contact, no shouting, sitting still. The ethos is not inherently inclusive and they will gaslight you to tell you that it is. You need to get a sense of how the sendco sees things and what is available to help her anxiety. Does she have inattentive or hyper ADHD?

Does the send team think you should apply for ehcp - or maybe do that in a few month's time when you know more. I was ready with an astonishingly great pack of materials and knew exactly what to do, when I did it - however, two months before, I wss clueless, so it really is a steep learning curve.

I hope this is helpful, I don't want to be officious and know it all, but I've been thinking about your post and I am worried that you are going to be faced with a bigger change than you currently think is coming. Best of luck x

Wow. I’ve just realised I’m trying to achieve “normal”. Thank you for the wake up call.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/09/2025 19:13

CarelessWispah · 20/09/2025 19:11

LA refused to assess as school hasn’t met spend criteria, and won’t, so not sure how to take it forward! But agree it’s necessary.

sorry OP did not mean to make this about us!

Show quote history

Go to appeal.

CarelessWispah · 20/09/2025 19:11

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/09/2025 18:34

This is why you MUST get an EHCP!

Show quote history

LA refused to assess as school hasn’t met spend criteria, and won’t, so not sure how to take it forward! But agree it’s necessary.

sorry OP did not mean to make this about us!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/09/2025 19:08

CancelTheTableAlan · 20/09/2025 18:52

I’m trying to support her as much as I can, but I don’t know what is teenage hormones, what is anxiety, what is ADHD, what is a normal fear of starting something new?

OP, I really feel for you. And I don't want to scare you - but you're writing like someone who's only just starting to apprehend what the ADHD brain is like, and how you might need to support your daughter. It's a big learning journey for you as well, you can't rush it, but I am afraid I am going to freak you out because I think you need to lean into this and take some action.

I wish someone had told me, when I was in the same place.

The advice I would give, from having come through the first shock of diagnosis, school avoidance, burnout... is that you will need to let go of the idea that she's going to settle in, calm down a bit, and everything will be back to normal. I'm really sorry to say it and I honestly don't want to spook you, but your normal has gone. Even the "But I've paid foe 2 terms and it's not realistic to waste that money!!" comes from your old life.

A ND child who's starting to say "Nope, I cannot go to school" doesnt just chill out and go back to how she was before. The scary bit is that they can go from a mild "no, I don't like it much" to complete burnout and self harm, in a matter of weeks, if the right support doesn't start to come in.

It utterly sucks for you, because it's a shock, and lots of extra work for you. But I think you have to- now, before it gets worse - do the following.

Read loads of Naomi Fisher courses. Follow That Parent and The Autistic Sendco on Facebook (I know DD is not autistic but still helpful). Start to steep yourself in the wisdom of people who are really helpful. Otherwise you will get the classic Ebsa guidance type bollocks which tell you to force her in, and you need to get clued up to advocate for her, sometimes even politely disagreeing with people like teachers or SEND staff.

Get an OT. Pay privately if you need - is there one attached to the school? Could she have OT in the school day? How about a psychotherapist? Who diagnosed her? go back to them for the next wave of support.

Work with the school sendco. Does your DD have an individual learning plan (private schools make these)? Warning! Private schools sell themselves on being low demand environments because they are small classes and an intense, quite rich, curriculum. However, they are often not really, setting behavioural expectations which are far stricter than other schools. Uniform, eye contact, no shouting, sitting still. The ethos is not inherently inclusive and they will gaslight you to tell you that it is. You need to get a sense of how the sendco sees things and what is available to help her anxiety. Does she have inattentive or hyper ADHD?

Does the send team think you should apply for ehcp - or maybe do that in a few month's time when you know more. I was ready with an astonishingly great pack of materials and knew exactly what to do, when I did it - however, two months before, I wss clueless, so it really is a steep learning curve.

I hope this is helpful, I don't want to be officious and know it all, but I've been thinking about your post and I am worried that you are going to be faced with a bigger change than you currently think is coming. Best of luck x

This. It’s a long hard journey of discovery. And it tilts the wrong way all the time.

She is saying she enjoyed school because they say what they want you to hear. They all do this. Mine did it. She still refused to go a bit later.

Please listen to some of the posts on here. She isn’t going to return to what she was. This will go on for years until she recovers and becomes the person she will be.

We waited and waited for ours to return to ‘normal’ 5 years later we are still waiting. She’s better than she was. But still a long way to go.

This was a child that sailed through KS3 with no problems.

Original poster

ChrisReaPoppedAnEggInMyBath · 20/09/2025 19:05

CancelTheTableAlan · 20/09/2025 18:52

I’m trying to support her as much as I can, but I don’t know what is teenage hormones, what is anxiety, what is ADHD, what is a normal fear of starting something new?

OP, I really feel for you. And I don't want to scare you - but you're writing like someone who's only just starting to apprehend what the ADHD brain is like, and how you might need to support your daughter. It's a big learning journey for you as well, you can't rush it, but I am afraid I am going to freak you out because I think you need to lean into this and take some action.

I wish someone had told me, when I was in the same place.

The advice I would give, from having come through the first shock of diagnosis, school avoidance, burnout... is that you will need to let go of the idea that she's going to settle in, calm down a bit, and everything will be back to normal. I'm really sorry to say it and I honestly don't want to spook you, but your normal has gone. Even the "But I've paid foe 2 terms and it's not realistic to waste that money!!" comes from your old life.

A ND child who's starting to say "Nope, I cannot go to school" doesnt just chill out and go back to how she was before. The scary bit is that they can go from a mild "no, I don't like it much" to complete burnout and self harm, in a matter of weeks, if the right support doesn't start to come in.

It utterly sucks for you, because it's a shock, and lots of extra work for you. But I think you have to- now, before it gets worse - do the following.

Read loads of Naomi Fisher courses. Follow That Parent and The Autistic Sendco on Facebook (I know DD is not autistic but still helpful). Start to steep yourself in the wisdom of people who are really helpful. Otherwise you will get the classic Ebsa guidance type bollocks which tell you to force her in, and you need to get clued up to advocate for her, sometimes even politely disagreeing with people like teachers or SEND staff.

Get an OT. Pay privately if you need - is there one attached to the school? Could she have OT in the school day? How about a psychotherapist? Who diagnosed her? go back to them for the next wave of support.

Work with the school sendco. Does your DD have an individual learning plan (private schools make these)? Warning! Private schools sell themselves on being low demand environments because they are small classes and an intense, quite rich, curriculum. However, they are often not really, setting behavioural expectations which are far stricter than other schools. Uniform, eye contact, no shouting, sitting still. The ethos is not inherently inclusive and they will gaslight you to tell you that it is. You need to get a sense of how the sendco sees things and what is available to help her anxiety. Does she have inattentive or hyper ADHD?

Does the send team think you should apply for ehcp - or maybe do that in a few month's time when you know more. I was ready with an astonishingly great pack of materials and knew exactly what to do, when I did it - however, two months before, I wss clueless, so it really is a steep learning curve.

I hope this is helpful, I don't want to be officious and know it all, but I've been thinking about your post and I am worried that you are going to be faced with a bigger change than you currently think is coming. Best of luck x

Thank you so much - this is so incredibly helpful and I will look all of the things you've suggested and take on board every word of advice you've given. I'm so grateful for the things you've shared, thank you.

Just for transparency, while I appreciate I've only mentioned my younger daughter's diagnosis, but my older DD has combined ADHD (she was diagnosed at 12) and I was also late diagnosed (at 47). I have done a lot research into it for my own sake as much as my DDs, so I do have some understanding of the challenges. But, what I am I rapidly learning is that my experience is completely different to DD1, and just as dramatically different to DD2 so while I have some insight, I'm absolutely learning as I go.

In her previous school, DD2 has never required, or showed that she had any need for any particular support so while she had a diagnosis, she didn't require any support other than a bit of understanding around reminders not to talk so much.

OP posts:

Twinmum345 · 20/09/2025 18:59

She sounds exactly like me as a teen although my adhd wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s.

I hated school, was bullied etc. no one understood and I couldn’t cope at school. I didn’t do my GCSEs as the bullying got so bad and the school blamed me! (I was physically assaulted and put in hospital during a school lesson)

homeschooling would have saved me.

give her the chance and try homeschooling