Different Dads Different Prospects

I think this is pretty sad. The in-laws are being potentially quite short sighted here. This will drive a wedge between the 2 boys, almost inevitably. So whilst your youngest may have car, house etc given, he could be robbed of a brother over it over the longer term. The younger one could be quite fairly seen as the golden child with the older one feeling like shitty old baggage. And this will continue to have consequences, even when they are 40/50+.

i think that your in-laws have been grossly unfair. Whilst I don’t think they should have given the eldest a house, they certainly sound rich enough that buying driving lessons and a second hand car for him as well as his brother would have been really easy for them - financially it sounds like a few grand is just pocket change to them.

Re the house situation, that is really very difficult indeed. I don’t know the answer to that.

Yes @AnneLovesGilbert it is brilliant actually! Although I guess you were being sarcastic? I can never thank my DH enough for everything he has done for my DS. My DH’s parents who died many years ago also always treated my son as their own grandson. I realise the OP can’t change how her husband and his parent’s feel. I was simply stating my own opinion that I find that attitude heartless as have other posters on the thread.

This is what I was going to say. It amazes me how many people think they can dictate what their adult children are gifted.

OP, it would be nice for you to come back and let us know if you still feel the same after reading all these comments.

I’d also be interested to know if you think your son would have had the opportunity to go to uni had you not met your current DH? Would he have had the home and things he’s had in life if you hadn’t met DH? If no then do you not see the advantages your DS has had in life due to your DH?

Not if they've bought it as joint tenants (as most people do) - it automatically goes to the other person on the house deeds when one dies and can't be changed by anything contained in a will.

You should have the house transferred to tenants in common and leave your half to your son. If you dont and you die first your share could go to a new wife or to your stepson. You can leave your husband a lifetime interest.
Why all people with a child outside of existing marriage dont do this I can't fathom.

People seem to be ignoring bio dad. He's about, he's just not rich and has no houses to offer. He should still be parenting his son and offering him advice on getting his life back on track after dropping out of uni.
OP and her husband don't appear to be very wealthy themselves so this is actually squabbling over the grandparents wealth, while they're still alive, which is unseemly.

Inheritance is promised or owed to no one and you cannot decide for the in laws their perception is naturally going to be different to yours.
Your partner cannot tell you what to do with your will if you choose to change it that's up to you

In my experience the old saying’blood is thicker than water’ is very much to the fore when Wills are being made

The dad has raised the boy since aged 3 he is his dad, just not his bio dad, the amount of people focused on blood is a little concerning

the grandparents thing is understandable but it’s ok for the mum and older son to be sad about it

No one is owed inheritance including bio relatives

there are things she can do to look after the older son to help him it just won’t be to the same level as the younger

It must be hard for your eldest and hard for you to watch, but possibly more so because he is struggling at this point in his life and seems to not be on much of a path.

There can be an upside to having less handed to you in life... your achievements become your own, you learn that you can rely on yourself and piece together what support you do have.

His younger brother's seeming good fortune has got zero to do with how his life is going.
I would try and listen to how eldest son might be feeling about all this, without letting your thoughts and feelings be known. Life isn't fair, but if we dwell on that for too long instead of taking responsibility for the things we can control, that's when the real trouble sets in.

Your eldest isn't going to find success overnight, it will be a matter of one step at a step, like it is for many many young people.

Of course it's tough, and it is likely salt in the wound of not having his actual dad be there for him. That is likely the biggest wound, and this situation is just shining a light on that.

Only if she tells her DH she is changing her Will
I am a solicitor and have on several occasions changed a Will for one spouse

I think perhaps you've been a little naive. I agree that both boys should be treated the same by your in-laws with regards to Birthday/Christmas present etc. It sounds as if this has also been so, but now your youngest son has reached 17, suddenly this has shifted. Your eldest isn't your in-law's biological grandchild, and they clearly don't see him in that light either. They are going to give inheritances, money and property to their grandchild, and that's sadly only your youngest. Your eldest has grandparents on his Dad's side and a Dad, it's not your husband or in-law's fault they aren't in the position to help financially. It's simply circumstances. Your in-law's aren't doing anything wrong here. I do understand why you're upset and I understand why your eldest would be disappointed, but it shouldn't have come as a surprise to you. Personally, I wouldn't be changing your Will's. Both children should be treated the same 50/50, because you love your boy's equally. It seems that you are perhaps expecting your husband to leave your eldest more, to counterbalance the money/property your youngest received by your in-laws. In short, No. Your husband shouldn't be treating the boys differently, and importantly he's willing to treat them both the same! Your husband could, if he wanted, change his Will, so only his son inherits and not your eldest, but he hasn't done this. If you need to blame someone, look at your ex, your eldest's Dad for not being a better Dad.

That’s brilliant but your husband can’t make his parents feel a particular way.

The different prospects for kids with different dads seems obvious when there is huge financial disparity between the paternal families. I imagine it's the same for kids with different mums and the same dad when there is a disparity of wealth in the maternal families. It's not a problem for the grandparents to fix, it's just a consequence of being born into a rich family or not. Your eldest wasn't, your second son was.

I haven’t read the full thread but I actually agree with this. This is a boy who they have known since he was three years old. I just find it all a bit heartless to be honest. I only have one DS but my husband (not his Dad) has always treated him as his own.

This is meant from a place of devil's advocate. I hear this is difficult.

There's no real reason why your older DS couldn't have been able to have driving lessons and get a part time job. Whilst you may see it differently- your younger DS was given these things from grandparents. Did you give your DS these things? Or did he achieve them himself? More context needed, but essentially there is much more value and learning in having to work to earn your driving lessons and also even from doing basic part time jobs to get by. I learned much more about hard work this way. You have more to aim for when you have things to fight against than when it's all handed on a plate. How it works out for them both will only be clear much later in the future (but it would be a shame if this becomes a permanent rift between the brothers that they can't heal).

Maybe silence is the best response.

I think one thing that you here is to equip your younger DS with an understanding of investing and investments. At his age (20) if he gets into a regular habit of investing he can do very well.

There is a boom coming with tech and the people who are investing money now will over the next 20 years do okay IMHO. Not trading, just investing a humble regular amount monthly into a global tracker. There are lots of books on investing out there, one called 'How to own the world' is aimed at younger people.

If his DB is given a house worth say £150k.
And he himself starts to invests £100 a month now, conservatively he could have £175k by the time he's 55.

Nothing controversial about educating your children about investing, what they choose to do with the info is up to them!

If you felt he had been given a disadvantage you could start him off with £10k cash to invest, and if he added £100, that figure could be £280k by 55..

It’s not a moral judgement (I’d be a hypocrite, I’m a step mum), but this is the difficulties of people having kids with different men and women and pretending that blended family’s work well.

we had a similar situation when we took our kids and the stepkids on holiday or Orlando. Their half siblings on their mother’s side were envious.

it’s just the sad reality of having kids with different men they are going to have different family’s. Your older son’s family are not as wealthy and there’s not a lot that can be done.

Why would you change your will?

That would be telling your youngest son that you don’t care about him and only care about your eldest.

It is not your IL’s responsibility to support your eldest child. It was your choice to have two different dads for your kids.

Your priority should be encouraging your eldest to improve things for himself. Loads of people don’t get inheritances and manage to make something of themselves. I stand to inherit nothing from either of my parents and never have from grandparents either. I have worked hard at education to get a good job and a mortgage.

Look at it from another perspective. If you were to discover your current husband had a long lost son that he wasn't aware off, aside from the shock m, how would you feel about updating your Will too accommodate him?

your challenge is to find a way to ensure that ds1 is willing to stand on his own two feet and work for everything he has without bitterness - you have a task and a half on your hands

OP can you discuss with your ex to see if he is willing to pass his potential inheritance from ex-FIL to your DS? I appreciate its a long shot, but that way you are at least trying to make things 'fair' if this is what you are looking for.

Without your youngest’s grandparents things would be fairer between them - they’d both have no driving lessons, both have no support at uni or for courses, both have no flat gifted to them.

Perhaps the reason OP is finding this so tough is because it’s brought up some feelings of guilt about what she’s been able to provide for her children herself. I’m not saying she should feel guilty, but it would be understandable if she did. It’s not too late to help the eldest though - OP might not be able to do this financially, but she can help him get some focus and get his life back on track.

My younger half-sibling had a much better start in life - driving lessons, flat deposit, savings fund, inheritances, freedom to try different career paths. I had to graft through uni, go straight into a stable career, and took me ten years longer than him to buy a home. I now earn 3x what he does, and have built as much financial security for myself as he was gifted. I always knew I’d have to, and I’d have had to whether he had a father and grandparents with money or not.

I don't see why you shouldn't give and/or leave more money to your older son. That money belongs to you, and you can do whatever you think is best. You don't owe your sons 50/50 (in fact you don't owe them an inheritance at all - you could leave everything to a charity). But the 50/50 mirror will with your husband would obviously not then work. And there should be a discussion with your sons about that decision, so that they are expecting it and the younger one isn't aggrieved after you die. I think it would be very unreasonable of your younger son to resent your older son getting more, when it's being done because he hasn't had the windfall the younger son has had just through accident of birth. You care about both your sons equally, and sometimes that means helping one of them out and not the other, because their needs are not always the same.

I feel your pain 💐

You can't stop it happening, but you can of course say no you do not support gift, and try to guide the young parents and grandparents towards a more appropriate arrangement in the same way as you can offer guidance to adult children on all sorts of things. I know that bad landlords come in all shapes and sizes and I have a feeling the grandparents probably aren't the best at it either or they wouldn't be handing over management of someone's home as a pocket money hobby.