Different Dads Different Prospects

Hm I’m the younger sibling in this situation and my parents have done their will so everything will be split 50:50 between me and my half-brother (even though he has a different dad who he has contact with as an adult, he didn’t as a child though). My dad’s side of the family have always treated my brother exactly the same as me in terms of financial things like Christmas and birthdays. My paternal grandmother recently gave each grandchild a couple of thousand pounds each as she had unused savings- my brother was included in this too. I’ve never seen the issue and would have found it awful if he was excluded.

Well yes, obviously there are different prospects

It is not the second husband's family's fault that the first husband and his family were/are a dead loss. It is hugely unfair for the OP to think that either her first child gets absorbed into the family no questions asked, or that the younger sibling misses out to make things "fair".

OP says that both of her boys have been treated well by the younger one's grandparents which is pretty much all that can be asked for. If her second husband was so bothered by the perceived inequality he could have gone through the legal route of adopting the older one and has chosen not to.

This is what happens when people with more than one partner. Still, keeps the MN forums busy.

Only if they’re giving him free rein without any financial education, which doesn’t seem to be the case.

Part of the entire course of step siblings so for that matter I would say YABU

To put it another way from a parent/step parent stance, I stand to inherit some money eventually and for that, my Will will be leaving that to just my children, but then there will be a further addition that my children and my step children will equally share anything I jointly own with DP at the time of my death.

Your PIL don’t owe your child anything. It’s not completely fair, but I can see it from their point of view.

The fact that her husband said she couldn’t change the will leads to me believe that they may have a mutual will.

If they have mirror wills she would be taking quite the risk. She would at least have
to be extremely confident that she wouldn’t die first.

Also, if they’re joint tenants and she suddenly wants to change to become tenants in common then he’ll be alerted pretty quickly as to her intentions.

She’s already alerted him that she wants to change their wills. He can now take his own measures to head that off at the proverbial pass.

But you did still expect your oldest to inherit their wealth even you you expected it to filter via your dh. I still feel that’s wrong.

Your oldest has his own entire family to inherit or not from as well as yourself included in that.

Your youngest has his entire family yourself included.

His family shouldn’t be funding his brother’s inheritance though. Your already rather lucky that your dh is willing to split it 50/50 between the boys rather than a taken amount or wha tends to happen is his entire 50% would’ve his child’s while your 50% should be split between your children.

When you read many threads on here step mums are told to keep their money for them own children and not deprive their children for the sake of steps.

I’m not being sarcastic at all, I’m genuinely pleased for you, for all 3 of you.

It’s essentially the same as dividing what they have equally between you and your sister (50/50) to leave to your children. They likely see this as the most tax-efficient approach.

Expecting your family to receive two-thirds of your parents’ estate simply because you have two children while your sister has only one is extraordinarily entitled.

Can you imagine an Ex thinking they can dictate how you spend your money!

Ex could have remarried, had more biological kids and even step kids.

On the off-chance Ex's new wife is wealthy, is she expected to include OP's eldest in her will, what about OP's youngest as that would be unfair?

Surprised OP is surprised when her DS isn't blood related.

If they divorce and DH marries someone else with kids, then they should be added too?

It's all a minefield and will never be fair, too many variables.

The oldest son has a relationship with his dad.

He’s well aware his stepfather isn’t his dad, and that his parents aren’t his grandparents.

OP it is up to your older son's biological dad and grandparents to step up. It needs to be made clear to your son that their behaviour is the reason for this outcome.

In the meantime you treat all your children equally. No one knows how much an individual's financial situation can change over time.

It’s interesting how many people on this thread think that the OP’s older son should be treated the same as her younger son, with regards to inheriting from her husband’s parents. On many threads where a stepmother has posted complaining that her husband and step child’s mother expect her to share the parenting eg school drop offs, there is huge support for the case that she’s not a parent and shouldn’t be expected to do anything for her stepchild, it is solely her husbands responsibility. Yet when it comes to money, it’s a different story.

I think that people should think long and hard before trying to blend families, and have discussions beforehand about their expectations.

makes sense, but what a weird way to look at it!

He won’t be eligible for any FTB discounts in place at the time - stamp duty, Help To Buy, etc.
he will have a full house as asset instead, I know which one I"d pick 😂
Most people don't have benefit from Help to Buy either anyway.

obligation to complete a tax return
so? You have to learn at some point, some 18 yo have a full time job, others start running their business, they are more than able to fill a few form.

It’s quite an unhelpful gift to give an 18yo in FT education.
I honestly had never heard anyone talking about a property being "an unhelpful gift"

Well, the answer is in your title OP! Hope your eldest child's paternal grandparents makes your older child a beneficiary in their will. Your younger child shouldn't miss out on his entitlement from his parents will just because of a poor decision you made in choosing the father of your older child. Also, I don't think your DH owes it to your older child to treat them both equally in his will. He has his own child to look after. In no way should he feel obliged to amend his will to give more to his step-child.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

CF territory here. You want your DH to split what he inherits from his parents equally, so in essence you are hoping for your older child to benefit from the death of a couple your older child has no blood relationship with. You're waiting with hungry eyes for your DH to bring home his inheritance so you can take half and give it to your older child. I find this disgusting actually. Kudos to the grandparents if they've realised this and are going to make their will accordingly.

I think they should have spoken to us before speaking to a 17 year old child about money he was going to receive.

No, they dont need to. Your younger child will be an adult, so the grandparents don't need your permission. Or is it that you were hoping that they'll speak to you about this so you can put in your request for your older child to get something doled out to him too?!

He won’t be eligible for any FTB discounts in place at the time - stamp duty, Help To Buy, etc.

Even whilst he only has this property, there will be tax implications for him, obligation to complete a tax return, etc. It’s quite an unhelpful gift to give an 18yo in FT education.

Implications of what?
when he comes to buy his 'first' home it won't be

I honestly don't understand what you mean the problem is!

I've not read all the replies but I would be concerned about the youngest being gifted a house as when he comes to buy his 'first' home it won't be and all the implications around that.

Could that open the door to a conversation for your DP and his parent's?

Can’t really see the issue with this. It’s fundamentally the same as giving you and your sister 50/50 to pass on to your DC.

I guess by rational discussion, you mean the chance to talk them out of it.

This is tough but life is unfair, I grew up in poverty, neighbour got a giant inheritance at 18 which set her up and my freinds getting new cars and deposit handouts. I couldn't help but be abit sad as my parents were wanting all my money off me at 18 when I was a student and earning peanuts, I saved for driving lessons and they wanted all the money to pay the rent. I gave it them. I worked 10x to save, learnt to drive, went to uni but used student loans to give me a better start. I didn't let my past stop me but used as a motivator to improve my life. 18 years on, got my own business, making money smart, go on nice holidays and not on antidepressants. Some of my friends are on antidepressants despite big handouts. It is upto your eldest to get a job, save and focus on his future. You don't know whats around the corner, your eldest may end in a really good job with great opportunities. Set up a linkedin profile for him and see what's out there. Plumbing is a good sector. Also lots of apprenticeship opportunities.
Check if your eldest has a trust fund with the government, its worth £1000ish. If he does have 1, he can use it for his driving lessons. He should be thankful to be getting a inheritance from you. I am set to inherit 0. It's just life, some people are just luckier then others.
Make sure your will protects the eldest son incase you die first as the stepdad could change it if you die first. My partner's friend won the lottery, gave his mum the money to buy the house, new partner moves in, they get married, she dies and no will, step dad inherits the house and tells the stepson to get out. He is devastated as the house was meant to be for him. Now claims universal credit with 0 chance of buying a house.

I don’t get this it would be 50/50 with your sister and instead her 50% share went to her child and your 50% share shared between yours which seems just as fair and equitable as a 3 way split?

I don’t think you should be relying on your husband to provide for your eldest, I have made direct provision for my children and I’m married to their dad.

what if something happened to you tomorrow, how sure can you be that 20/40 years down the line you husband will honour your wishes for his stepson?

at the very least you should have an insurance policy where your dc are named.

You can leave your share of the house to your eldest exclusively. If you're not already tenants in common you'd need to sever the joint tenancy and then deal with it in your will.

OP, I have a variation of your story.

My parents decided from when my 2 daughters were little that they would bestow several hundred thousand pounds to each of their 3 grandchildren through a trust. I was not ever consulted on this and thought it weird that their money should go directly to the grandchildren but I accepted it was at the end of the day their money to do what they pleased with.

However on my dad's death I discovered that my neice, their only other grandchild, had been given the same amount as my 2 added together. The supposed logic for this was that my neice was the "stand in" beneficiary instead of her mother (my sister) and my 2 of me. I was and still am really upset at this inequality. It seemed to me that there were different classes of grandchild and mine were clearly second class. It didn't help that my sister knew all about this for years but i was excluded from knowing and having the opportunity to say how unfair it seemed and having the chance of a rational discussion re the whole thing.

This has affected my memory of my father who I had always believed to be a fair and kind man. But it is what it is I guess.