Different Dads Different Prospects

It's a really hard situation Op - because your eldest was so young when you got together with your partrner. From his perspective his brother is just getting a totally different set of rolls of the dice.

A tough one I would say. No easy answer.

The strange thing to me is that guess is does the younger son not help the elder at all? He can’t like give rides to him or whatever?

I constantly drove my sister to and from sports practice or work etc when we were kids. I let her stay free in my apartment in NYC one weekend when I lived there, we were both in our 20s & she and her boyfriend wanted to visit

Admittedly we’re not as close anymore because I started to feel used by her. If I let her visit she’d leave towels everywhere. Once she & the BF refused to have dinner at the restaurant where my BF worked it wasn’t cool enough and they didn’t build in time to hang out with me they just wanted to use the apartment. Like being very bad guests I’d say. But I mean for years esp before the negative influence of her now husband like we were fine. We looked out for each other.

So like what’s the relationship between your two sons, son b isn’t going to let son a crash on the couch if he needs some assistance? Like that’s the part I don’t get. Do they treat each other well or is one using the other, is one disparaging the other? What’s their vibe?

My sister kind of got into a habit of not treating others very well I’d say it’s impacted a lot of her relationships negatively. She got to a point with no self awareness. She called me right after a cancer biopsy I’d had and didn’t ask how I was, just started complaining to me, things like that.

But if your kids like each other & have their heads on straight why would this be a huge wedge between them? Why wouldn’t kid b be like sharing with kid a if they like each other and kid a is struggling?

i would definitely try and help older son but I sit down with younger son and explain why. It is very sad that he is left feeling left out by his grandparents.

Also, I expect your eldest has some of his fathers traits which led him to chose the wrong uni course, drop out rather than transfer, not hold down a job. These are the traits he will probably carry for life.
i wish that I’d been born attractive but I haven’t so I have to work really hard instead of marrying someone ugly with money.
that sounds awful. And it is. And I said it on purpose. because money isn’t everything. Yet your post only focuses on money.

I’m quite agog at the number of women who let their DCs’ fathers off so easily. And then expect their parents-in-law to provide what their children’s fathers’ families will not. It’s bonkers.

I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong but I also think it’s sad for your eldest. I would be going out to work an extra job and saving some money for him if it were me. It’s not his fault his Dad is a loser and it must feel awful for him. Tell your husband that’s why you’re doing extra hours and that’s the reason you’ll be more tired, more unavailable for sex and he’ll need to cook dinner as you won’t be in. I think although your husband isn’t doing anything wrong he should feel sorry for your son and be coming up with a plan to make it better.

the focus on money is the issue.
how about if they’d inherited different hereditary conditions. Would you expect dad or GPs of eldest to give his kidney to the second child, as an extreme example?
we all inherit characteristics / money / traits etc in different ways. Just because it’s money doesn’t mean it should be shared.

I have 2 rental properties and don't have any issues whatsoever as I vet any new tenant very thoroughly, so I would disagree with you on this. It's a great passive income.

Oh OP that’s sad. People here just respond blended families no right etc but reality is rarely that simple.

I wasn’t accepted by my step mum or her family. I saw my half siblings and even my ever so charming whole sibling benefit from their millions but I never got so much as a Christmas card. I very quickly learned not to let it get to me. I got myself through university without support. It meant I didn’t get to move to another city for uni or spend a year abroad like my siblings did but I did it all by myself without “nanna’s money”. It seems unfair (and it is) but teach your eldest to take pride in the things he gets for himself, even the smallest things because he has done it without someone else’s money. Ultimately if he wants to buy rental properties in adulthood he will work out a way. For what it’s worth being a landlord is an horrific nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Your eldest has had a lucky escape!

It has taken 40 years of work and planning to accumulate our pension plan fund, so please do not delude yourself that there have been big employer contributions. There has been no employer money, not even 1p. The only money that has gone in has been earned, tax paid, and saved. So I do have a bit of a beef with Rachel Thieves who would like to swoop in and change the rules.

I don't know the answer for you, but we are in the process of gifting our only child a six figure sum. If we leave it in our estate, it will be taxed at 40%. Giving it away now means that it will probably be tax free, as one of us is likely to live another 20 years.

So you think this couple should gift DS1 a house?

Friend's sister is on the way out of her third marriage, each time, taking half the assets, from men who have their own kids.
So essentially, those kid's are being left worse off, through no fault of their own.

I imagine grandparents have been around long enough to see similar and want to protect their money, which is entirely their choice.

I'm the first child of a relationship that went wrong in the 70s. One parent remarried and I have two half sibs. As I am older and have worked for my own financial success, it doesn't bother me much that I won't inherit anything at all from the more financially successful parent. I also varied my parent's will in favour of my child.

Quite!
Bet OP wouldn't be asking Ex to put youngest in his will if Ex was wealthy or had wealthy parents.

What if something happens to OP & DH, everything goes to eldest, so DS2 gets punished for having the family he has.

It's entitlement OP, don't know how you can expect them to be equal.

I have a similar situation. Got with my now husband of 18 years when I had a 6 year old, no dad on the scene. Since then we have had a daughter between us who is 11.

The only difference is my inlaws have it in their wills that all grandchildren, including my eldest, gets an equal share upon their passing (assuming there is money / property left after any care bills which may arise).

So to me YANBU and I feel for you and your eldest.

My DH also has a half-sister with a different dad. DH’s paternal grandmother always embraced her as another grandchild and, even though DH’s parents separated later in life, still sees DH’s sister regularly and helps out with her children (who call her great-grandma). I can’t really think of any families I know where the half-sibling has been considered ‘other’ or not ‘properly related’ by the new husband’s family.

You are absolutely being unreasonable. Why should your in-laws who have no blood connection to YOUR eldest son give THEIR money to him when his own blood family can't be bothered to do so? This is a lesson every person with a blended family needs to learn. Other people's children are not other people's responsibility

Can’t your parents even things out a bit? It’s not your in-laws fault that they are good grandparents? I’d say it’s for your sons fathers family and yours to ensure his needs are met. Giving children the same isn’t the same as giving adults deposits for flats, cars etc, it’s a bit childish of you not to recognise the difference.

Errr well tbh.

1. Fund your elder sons driving lessons yourself invest in your son. Dont be stingy

1. Get him to look at attending a green skills course get his card so he can work as a labourer

1. Look at courses that can help him become a ground worker maybe there are free courses so he can be a plant worker. Honestly your not even trying to help him help himself here.

1. He earns and gets his own property as we all do in life. Hard work and ambition are things he needs to do. Not everyone gets something handed to them on a plate. Maybe encourage him to look at construction apprenticeships like groundwork etc

Because it would be totally out of line for her husband to say to his parents why aren’t you giving this child that isn’t your blood relative money?

@DelaneyDonkey I imagine missing a generation out was done to avoid their family money being divided up how you are saying you want it to be. It’s really up to the parents of your ex to do the same. Will boys not get any support from your parents for uni?

I don’t think your DH should leave more to a child who already has a father & leave less to his own child.

The only way you can redress the balance is to leave all your share to your eldest & to perhaps ask your parents to do the same.

Why won't your dh speak to his parents ? I think I'd find this the mistake upsetting as you'd expect his stepdad to stand up for him

And there's nothing stopping the Op doing that with her property, but she can't expect her DH to sign off his share to only her son too

I'm assuming the GPs are also planning ahead for when DS2 wants to buy his own property and isn't a first time buyer?