Different Dads Different Prospects

I imagine how hard it must be in blended families and grandparents could be old fashioned in their thinking.
I'd feel like you it's hard .. wish I had advice it must hurt your heart x

Wow, OP I feel for you and I'm very surprised at some of these responses. My Gran is actually my step-Gran and she's never once treated me any differently than any of her "real" grandchildren. It seems really upsetting and wrong to do things any other way. What if your DH and you couldnt have kids and then adopted a child and then you fell pregnant. Would your inlaws make the same distinction between the two children based on blood alone? Surely not. How is this any different?!

Totally.

I have a friend who was in a bit of a situation like the younger brother. Grandparents left their house, and nothing for the older step-brother.
They got pressurised to divide it, so they sold it, divided the money in two as their Mum wanted them to.

Guess what. Twenty years down the line, older brother came into much more money through a relative he'd never met. Did he share? Not a bean.
She's non-contact with her family now and that was the catalyst - along with Mum saying "why should he share? It wasn't your relative."

I would try and set the expectations of the eldest child as to financial support from his stepfather's grandparents very low. Let's look at it that way, they were nice enough throughout his childhood, and now he is an adult he really has to work with the circumstances he has.
To those who suggest the inheritance from the mother must be divided equally or it's unfair. You really think that? If one child of yours were to live with you all their life and have a modest income, and another ended up a high flying multi billionaire, would you think it fair to sell your family home and divide the inheritance between the two equally, when one would lose their home as a result, and another not notice he has become any richer? That's some notion of fairness I must say! I'm sure the younger son benefitting from his grandparents, will understand if the mother supports his brother more.
Good luck OP, may both your children do well.

This is true. My younger brother is massively younger than me. My parents thought they couldn’t have any more. And he came along. And he got much more in terms of things than I ever did. And he was parented completely differently.

I think even with full siblings it can be a bit like this.

I mean I have a full sibling and I was born a bit disabled and he wasn't. It's not his fault. We just have to do the best with what we're given in life.

It doesn't mean that your younger son will have all the luck. The elder may have wonderful children while the younger son may never have any.

Life throws a lot of curve balls along the way.

A version of this thread turns up every week (or maybe every other week).

The strong consensus (which I agree with) is:

1. It’s their money
2. It’s very common for grandparents to treat step-grandchildren differently from non-step-grandchildren, both in life, but particularly in death.

FWIW, I doubt the situation of your son (working or not working, etc) has any bearing on their decisions.

FWIW(2), I’m sure your son has benefitted from having his stepfather throughout his life. He’s undoubtedly helped contribute to a roof over his head, and provided for him. So maybe you should both focus on being grateful for that, rather than not getting anything from a set of people he’s not related to.

Sorry but why SHOULD non-blood relation grandparents gift your son a house?! The mind boggles that you’d ever think otherwise.

That’s so hard on your eldest. But I guess you can’t change how your in-laws feel.

this same sort of nonsense happens in blood families too. I had to fund my own way through university and my first home. My sibling got rent paid and a £600 a month “allowance” plus the deposit for her flat paid. I found it hard at first but you know what? Least I know I’ve earned everything I have. My sibling can’t say that. That could be a way to think about things?

At least you didn't have 2 sons by 2 deadbeat Dads. Youngest being helped financially is really great, means you can more easily afford driving lessons etc for older one.

now don't come back telling us their money their choice, and you are absolutely not interested in it, because you made a post about it

if your husband gets something from his parents and dies before you - NOW IT WILL BE your choice to help the older , you just need to wait for all this to unravel because tbh you have been expecting their money to go equally to both sons , so you are a grabber

That is the cold hard truth about blended families. I'm in the same situation. My two older DC won't inherit as much as my two younger DC. When me and DH sorted out our wills we will Split the Will in half - DH side will be between our Two DC, my 50% will be split 4 ways . My DC have been gifted evenly by my DM ... because all the children are mine and her GC ...on my In laws side they won't get anything (well inlaws do have about £500k but it's all going to another Sibling, who is my DH half sibling, but that another thread completely 🤬) Thats life ...you can't force anyone to hand over anything

OP, sorry if I've missed this, but does your eldest DS call your husband "dad"? And what does he call the grandparents?

I know you said he has sporadic contact with his biological father, but what about the grandparents on that side?

I think blended families are really, really tough - if the original biological father is shit, it's almost easier if they're not involved at all!

I also think people think in such mercenary and black-and-white ways about situations like yours. Your eldest DS was still such a little boy when you got together with your DH - I don't see why he wasn't welcomed into the family in the same way as he would have been if he were an adopted child. I think there are parallels there.

I think it's sad that your eldest has grown up being treated as "other" within the family.

No it isn’t. It isn’t an observation, because you don’t know the dad or the kid. It’s a vile assertion based on god knows what personal trauma or chip you’re carrying.

The dad hasn’t really been in his life. It’s a completely valid observation.

What a HORRIBLE first paragraph to your post. Go give your head a wobble!

It’s understandable you’re upset by this, but I don’t think the GPs did anything wrong. Your eldest has different GPs - his father’s parents. Are they giving him anything? If they are, I very much doubt they’ll be giving anything to your youngest son.

Someone above said they’re treating your eldest as ‘other’, but if they’ve loved him and accepted him, then they’re not treating him as other at all. The inheritance/house is a separate thing. It’s not your younger son’s GP’s fault your older son has crap/poor/uninterested GPs.

You’d be wrong to change your will IMO. Both your sons should get an equal amount from you. It could go either way because they both have different relatives. Maybe elder DS will get an inheritance from his Great Auntie Doris who he’s never met but who’s unmarried and keen on sharing her wealth between all her great nieces and nephews? Who knows? Would you then berate her for not including your completely unrelated younger son?

This is how blended families work. Also, you say you thought the GP’s wealth would pass to their DC and then your DH could distribute is share as he saw fit, but it’s very common for GP’s to pass wealth to GCs rather than their DC.

Set an example to your son about how to deal with this and not make a big thing of it; make sure your younger DS is considerate towards him; and help your elder DS in his career - just as you’ll help your younger DS. It’s not all about the money. Show them both you love them equally and acknowledge their different father’s can sometimes cause differences, but that’s just the way things are.

It’s not the responsibility of DH and his parents to compensate for something that isn’t their fault either.

OP’s husband is already being generous by leaving equally to his stepchild. If OP starts playing games and trying to strong-arm him into giving her oldest more at the expense of his actual child, he could very easily respond by disinheriting his stepchild entirely.

How much of this money is coming from your personal income or your own parents OP?

This seems to be all about what you feel should be donated by an unrelated family to your son who has a father and mother of his own who both have parents who could be leaving an inheritance.

Why is it only your husbands family expected to stump up for your oldest child who is not related to them?

How much of the money your oldest childs father has spent or given to you over the last 17 years have you ringfenced to give to your youngest in the supposed interests of fairness?
Did you make him give your youngest a birthday or Christmas present?

Not necessarily - money can cause rifts as much as bonds.

How has your DH squared that his DPs gave his siblings help to buy property but not him?

Has he discussed this with them?

How long has he known that the cousin got a property - 5 years? Did he not tell you this?

I suspect your DH knows more than he is saying.

It also doesn't even require divorce for that to happen. With couples who are still married at death, the first spouse to go often wills much of their estate to the survivor, who then has total control. In this case, if that were their son, most of what he'd leave would probably have come from them. And OP already thinks it's fine for her and DH to leave more to her DS, ie for their DGC to be left worse off. Even if one agrees with that personally, ILs clearly aren't going to.

In this situation, if they want to be sure their DGC will benefit, they need to pass it directly.

It would be wrong to favour one son in your will. You should treat your children the same. It must be very hard on your son, but I'm sure he wouldn't want his brother to receive nothing from his grandparents just to make things even.

I have to comment on the flip side of a lot of these comments, I have a blended family, dsd, ds and dd. DH has been ds step dad since he was 3, I have been dsd step mum since she was 7, dd between us. Both sides of gps have accepted dsc as their own and all are treated equally in their wills. We have not influenced this in any way, the money is held in trust until the dcs are 21, For transparency, myself and DH will not inherit anything from either side of parents, we would rather they spent their money while they are alive! I am happy that my 3 children are treated equally! However, I am not sure what we would do in op circumstances, but I would be very upset if one of my children was singled out!

A very close friends husband died. He too had quite an extensive property portfolio. His will left one house to his child and one to his step child, the rest going to my friend.

Maybe the difference was the step child was in a secure job, and had been for years. Who knows?