Different Dads Different Prospects

I’m basing this on what OP has said. I’m sorry you’re not able to read the whole post. I don’t know how to help you other than theres a button to read only what OP has said. Also, genetics tell us that lots of traits are hereditary. I’m not the one with trauma or a chip on my shoulder. I’m basing my opinion on science and the info from OP.

Every blended family functions differently.

In my situation, SD sees my parents 2 or 3 times a year. They have never got on, SD goes out of her way to antagonise my Mum and my Mum rises to it every time so we just try to keep them apart.

DD sees my parents several times a week and spends one night a fortnight there. She loves her Grandma and Grandad almost as much as she loves me and her Dad.

I don't expect them to (and they've confirmed they won't) leave anything to SD- the relationship is just not there.

I know! I even said that no one had really done anything wrong, just that the Dad ought to be concerned at the disparity and open to ways to improve the situation. Bloodlines, shmoodlines 😂 I didn’t even realise some people talked about wills anyway, all this stress when you might lose all your money paying for your care 🤷🏻‍♀️

Imagine the outrage if a man had come up with such a manipulative, passive aggressive, coercive plan.

And said opinions can be debated by other posters on such a forum.

No, it is certainly generous because it isn’t expected for stepchildren to inherit from stepparents at all. It is standard practice for each parent in a blended family to leave their half of an estate to their own biological children. Op unilaterally wanting to change their 50/50 agreement to favor her oldest child is very likely to result in her husband responding in kind by favoring his own son. She can of course risk marital breakdown if she so chooses, but it’s unlikely that her oldest son will end up any better off if she does.

The way this person is so strongly against the idea of older son getting any help from his step father or his family, it seems to be this person has a step child they dislike. They are not able to think beyond rigid blood ties, when both kids grew up in same house with same set of elders. People even feel love for their cats and dogs, I don’t think every relationship should be strictly measured by blood ties but for some here there is nothing beyond that. I feel sad for OP’s older son, that for no fault of his, he has a useless and unstable father. Where the other child through pure luck has a caring and very helpful family.

The penny has just dropped. All you have to do is make sure you live longer then you get to leave what you want to who you want. Make his life stressful.

you’re a CF for expecting your husbands parents to dish out their money and property to your son

Very negative interpretation of what op is expressing.

I didn’t say it was his responsibility? In fact I said that his Mum should go out and work to earn the extra money. I’m allowed to think that he should be more concerned and care more - we can disagree, this is my opinion only on a forum designed for people to give their own opinion. I don’t think he’s being ‘generous’ by leaving an equal share to a child that’s been in his life for almost his whole life either. If he disinherits him because his wife gets an extra job and isn’t home to make dinner then he wasn’t worth having in the first place.

You are making up stuff like going from one retail job to another just to fit your own narrative. Op said business closed down. Younger child has more privileges and opportunities in his life like help from grandparents etc and pampering, older one does not. Just because he has not figured it out by age 20, does not mean he said wasted every opportunity. You are being heartless with your comment considering how disadvantaged his situation compared to another child living under same roof has been.

Right now her husband is already being generous by including his stepchild in his will. If OP acts to dissolve a mutual will/changes her will to favor her eldest, then he can very easily respond by disinheriting his stepchild and leaving his half entirely to his own child.

None of this is the youngest son’s fault, and it isn’t his responsibility to support his brother by sharing what his paternal family are giving him (it’s a bold assumption that he even can. It doesn’t sound like they’re handing it over without oversight and/or controls). His older brother has his own paternal family, they’re just not wealthy.

It's not the grandparents fault your big sons dad isn't interested.
What about his grandparents n that side.

A house isn't everything and you can't tell.people what they can and can't do with their money.

Your husbands parents who by your own words have been welcoming, kind and generous towards your son his whole life are the ones you have an issue with?

When really you should be asking why your sons own biological Grandparents (your parents and your ex’s parents.) aren’t stepping up in the way you expect two people who aren’t even related to your son to?

Inheritance and financial help isn’t a right, it is a privilege and you’re a CF for expecting your husbands parents to dish out their money and property to your son when he already has two parents in his life and their extended family.

I am always so shocked when I read so many comments saying “you must give them the same”. If my brother and I had different fathers and by good fortune I inherited lots of money from my family where he inherited none I would of course understand if my parents chose to alter their will to compensate him. Why would I want my brother to be poor?? Particularly if I’ve already had so many more leg ups in the form of uni, car etc.

if you’ve parented your kids well OP I think they’ll understand why you would choose to modidy your will to something more equity based.

I have great sympathy with both you and your eldest son OP. This precisely mirrors the situation in my own family. My brother married a girl with a two year old daughter. She has never had any contact with her biological father. My brother and his wife went on to have two more children and they have all been treated exactly the same by my parents and all members of the wider family. My brother made it clear from the start that his oldest child was just as much his child as her two younger siblings. My parents would never have been allowed to favour his two younger children, not that they would have wanted to. Your husband's parents have in effect created a two tier family and should be shamed for it. Of course your eldest son feels upset and jealous - he has every right to. I agree with you - the only way you can address this is to readjust your sons' future inheritance so that your eldest son receives a larger sum - it's the only way left for you to redress the balance.

Excellent point! DS2 will not only lose all the incentives/support that are available to first time buyers, he will also need to pay a far more substantial amount of stamp duty.

Obviously it's just the way it is, but I can totally understand why you are struggling with it OP. I have two boys close in age like yours, and would find your situation really upsetting too x

I wouldn't pay much attention to the people criticising him for that. If he got into university he clearly isn't a waster, and it's fairly common to change courses/change direction at that age. He is hardly 39 years old playing video games in his pants all day.

Bu the same logic though, he is still super young and has his whole life ahead of him. He could become a millionaire through his own means, (or more likely get a good job and his own house etc.) Even though his brother has been given a softer start in adult life they are both going to be most affected by their own decisions. And the fact that your elder son has a mother who is concerned about his future, and a home to go to when his first uni course didn't work out, and is clearly bright IS a massive advantage in life compared to lots of kids. In 20 years time the house will matter a lot less and it already matters less than other aspects.

The obvious to me solution is that your younger son invites the older one to live with him rent free in the house he owns. Doesn't need to tell the grandparents it's rent free. A gift is a gift only if it is free of reservations.

If he is really planning on having tenants there will be a lot for him to learn around a landlord's responsibilities, the info needed for a tax return as well as some technical stuff around house repairs - it's not like your own house where you can take some time to research who to contact and live with a semi functional thing for a bit. I thought about it some years ago and decided it wasn't right for me. It may be right for him but he may need agents and an accountant which will eat into any profit.

If he's planning on uni, it may make sense for him to sell this house and buy one near uni to live in with some fellow students as tenants whilst he studies.

I think trust your parenting - you've raised both your kids so that they'll look out for each other.

Can you encourage your eldest to seek to secure his own financial prosperity? Dropping out of university doesn’t sound promising. Can you research well paying jobs with him and see if there’s something he’d like to do and the pathway to achieve that?

I've only read up until here, but it sounds like your main issue is that your youngest is directly benefitting from Grandparents. If it was your husband getting the benefit, he might split it equally.

It's also hard to have a highlight of how absolutely unfair property ownership/wealth is. You are probably also worried about there being a rift between your sons - do you feel they both understand the situation? It isn't their fault they have such different chances re: money.

Appalling of the PILs yet you don't think the the older sons own father and paternal grandparents should be accountable?

Does OP have parents who can step up (sorry if missed it)?

I think this is an appalling way for your PILs to treat your eldest! My brother's wife had a 5yo daughter from a previous relationship when she and my brother got married. They've since had more children together. It would not occur to me or to my parents to think of or to treat this girl (now a teenager) any differently from any other nephews/neices/grandchildren.
I can't believe your ILs used to not give your eldest a birthday present! What a horrible way to treat a child. And then to sow discord between brothers by giving one a HOUSE ffs, and the other one nothing, I think that's appalling. I would be really upset too, OP. Clearly there are a lot of blended families out there that function very differently to mine!

This.

I will get downvoted into oblivion for saying this, this is why you should never have a child with a man who's the slightest uninterested because things like this will crop up OR be financially rich yourself so you can make up the difference.