Different Dads Different Prospects

There is nothing you can or should do. You certainly shouldn’t change your will to give your younger son less from you, they are both your children. It makes sense that your in-laws will give to their biological GC. Unfortunately children deal with the consequences of their parents decisions. The best you can do now is support both of your children equally.

Sounds like they are also trying to stop passing it down via your dh. As you’d clearly want to split it between both of your children as a family things were as they see it as going down the blood line.

If you do decide to give your first born more just because his family don’t have so much, you have to be prepared for that to also cause issues between the boys as adults once you’ve passed as many people tie up love with inheritance so would see you as loving the older more.

Regardless of what your husband does, you can adjust your will. I’m sure your younger son wouldn’t want his older brother disadvantaged. I know I wouldn’t see my brother like that. I guess it depends how well they get on though.

But it might do your son (and most teenagers to be fair) good to know they have to provide for themselves.

It's up to you or his father to provide extras. I don't think you can expect it otherwise. That's the way it is.

I have a friend in this situation. Youngest will get substantial inheritance from grandparents & half of family home. She took out a life insurance policy which will go solely to her eldest as well as the other half of the family home. She has talked this through with them both & they understand why she has done it.
In your case, I would be altering my will to make it 60:40 towards your oldest.

I do see this as one of the big issues with blended families because as much as grandparents can treat the kids equally in terms of birthday presents and the like, they are never going to leave money to a child your DH hasn’t adopted and that isn’t his by birth.

You can do whatever you want with your will but can't honestly be expecting your husband to disadvantage his biological son to his step son advantage? And you may destroy your sons relationship after you are dead in the process, especially if not distributing inheritance equally comes as a surprise to them. Anyway who knows if there ll even be an inheritance, could all be gone on care home fees

Ah god, it’s like everything- there’s a way people think it’s all good to do things on paper, in real life it sucks!! Your poor son! I think it would show ginormous strength of character for your dh to figure out a way to do things differently but very few people are that good!!

Maybe the GPs see your older DS as 'a bit of a waster' to use an unfortunate phrase. Dropping out of uni and no stable job makes it look as though he isn't helping himself as much as he might be. Is there no other training he could undertake to lead to a decent career and income?

I agree. It still could be down the line. Even from his feckless DF if he has anything to leave. What would your expectations be then - that your older DS should halve this with his half sibling?

I also think that it’s cutting deeper because of the mess your older DS finds himself in currently. Maybe you have some displaced / unconscious shame around that which you are projecting on to the inheritance situation instead of focusing 100% on older DS issues. Is there undiagnosed ND or MH issues? Addiction? Undisclosed / unresolved childhood trauma - that need exploring and supporting and are sabotaging his independence right now? Are you aware of any genetic issues from his DFa side of the family (ND, MH, addiction?) that may exist and may be coming through in your DS?

It’s hard but that’s how some blended families work

All you can do is make sure your two children get half of your estate.

These are sad but inevitable consequences of blended families. The only person to really be angry at is the pathetic father of your eldest.

OP that is really tough on you and your elder son. On the other hand it means at least one of your kids will be ok financially which is better than neither. If you want to give your elder son more inheritance potentially, then you absolutely can, as well as more financial help now. I would.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

It’s quite obvious what’s going on. Younger son is “blood” and the grandparents want to keep the wealth in the family by passing down property.

I understand why your older son was shocked but you took the gamble when you had more children and your younger child has benefitted from their support.

I think that changing your will would be a mistake. You love both boys equally so you shouldn’t punish the younger one for having supportive grandparents. In many blended families your half of the assets would be shared between your boys and your h’s assets would go to his boy. If your h is happy for the boys to get 50/50 rather then 25/75 then that’s already very fortunate.

there are some ways in which your FiL should treat them equally.

Birthday presents, Christmas presents, invitations to great grandma’s 90th.

but realistically he isn’t going to give a house to both of your children and this isn’t something you can ask of him.

don’t bother adjusting your wills, work out how you can support your eldest now. That might be being a guarantor, helping him with any issues (why is he losing jobs?)

aftrr you die is too late to sort this out.

Have you paid equally into the joint mortgage? Then your 50% is yours to distribute as you see fit in due course. It may sow seeds of discontent between your boys but depends if your husband plans to distribute his entire 50% to his biological son (which would be fair) or sees it as a family asset to be split 50:50 between them when the time comes.

"I was quite a catch as you can imagine."

I can't work out whether you really mean this, btw, but DP and I are both clear that my children are one of the best things I brought to our relationship. DP's family welcomed them with warmth and enthusiasm, too. No apologies for being 'spoilt goods' here.

It’s not unusual, this is life.
he’s not their grandson.

This is what happens when you blend families, unfortunately.

Unfortunately its just life. It could have been the other way round.. your eldest getting loads from his grandparents.

I don't have any practical advice OP (my sibling and I had different, but equally useless, dads; my children have a step-parent, but ages/timings mean there won't be any half-siblings for them), but I would also be gutted for your eldest. He was very young when you and your DP got together. Being gifted a house at a young age in this economy is transformative. I think I would have to do something to try to even things up a bit.

It’s inevitable really isn’t it.

What can you do, as the person who can actually do something, to help your older son?

I appreciate its easy for me to say this but instead of comparing your two sons to each other, you should be comparing them to the rest of the teenagers of their age. The vast majority will not get driving lessons and a free house. So whilst it might feel like he's disadvantaged, he isn't, he's actually the normal one of the two. Hopefully the one with the house will recognise the privilege.

As for your son being in and out of work because 'that's how it is'. Have a think about that. He's dropped out of uni and cant hold a job down. He would benefit from some tough love and a kick up the arse, not a hand out.

The eldest hasn't really shown that the money would have been beneficial to him though has he, dropping out of work etc. Can you and your dh afford to get eldest driving lessons?

You can also let your big son live with you to help save for a deposit or help him out with rent if you can afford to