Different Dads Different Prospects

She has been estranged from her biological father for almost 20 years because he is an utter bastard and by the age of 14 refused to ever see him again . She never even met any members of his family as he was estranged from them too and inherited nothing. He himself has nothing to inherit and even if he did would not leave her anything due to their estrangement.

As my current husband has reasonably small assets, any largish amounts of money he might ever have would have come from me after I die. I of course want my daughters treated equally. My DH regardless of this, is of the opinion that my older daughter is his daughter, the step part doesn't come into it. He has stated that even if he were wealthy himself both daughters would receive the same. He has been in my older DDs life since she was 2. Similarly my DHs sister who has no partner or children of her own has willed her estate to my DH and if he predeceases her to both my DDs even though only one of them is her actual neice .

In our family, family are the people you consider family not some narrow definition based on bloodlines. I am staggered that other families are drawing these lines in the sand when it comes to inheritance unless their families merge when the children are already grown up.

I mean logically there the ops dh should have actually adopted him.

Though it turns out he does actually have a relationship with his father it’s just they are not rich.

Op picked two men with families clearly in different tax brackets. She was just banking on her dh getting the lot not them seeing the writing on the walls and skipping the dh. It’s how rich families stay rich. Keep it in the blood.

They didn't choose him, like their son did.

They shouldn't have to "adopt him"

Expecting them to give your eldest the same inheritance or even any at all is unreasonable. They can give their grandson what they like and if they choose to bypass their son/ your husband, that's their choice too.

They have tried to be polite and nice over the years, but it's a bit entitled to expect equality in this respect.

I'm sure they knew that if they have to your husband, he would do an equal split between the boys and they don't want their money going to your eldest. This is what a lot of grandparents do when they don't want any inheritance going to step grandchildren.

Your eldest knows they're not his grandparents and hopefully wasn't expecting anything from them.

It's also probably awkward for your DH to say anything about it to them. It may be better to speak to your youngest, asking him to be sensitive when he says these things in front of his brother....meaning it's best not to talk about his inheritance tbh.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Could they not have just 'adopted' him as a grandson if they got to know him age 3?!

If you could, I’d gift eldest a house deposit, and explain why to the youngest.

Youngest may want a lodger to help with bills, this could be eldest so at least there’s some benefit to him.

This is such a good point about DS1 sharing the same traits as the Ex.

Totally agree 're OP's focus on £ too.

You could marry a rich handsome man 😅.

That's not what this means. The situation with fostered and adopted children is completely different. In both cases the children are actively chosen to be part of the family by their parents (or temp foster families). There is an arduous process to be followed to reach this stage, arguably much more rigorous than conceiving biological children in many cases or blending families that can be done by anyone without any assessment of commitment. If extended family are involved in adoption proceedings, they are also assessed. They will also have time to prepare for the child becoming part of their lives often unlike situations when a family member introduces a new partner alongside their existing children.

Grandparents will often naturally feel love for these children because of the love they feel for their own children and the joy they see for them. Adopted children are also legally related to the family.

Brutal as it is and as much as OP's husband may love her son, he most probably did not choose to bring this child specifically into his life. He chose his mother and had to make the decision whether his wish to be with her was enough to accept her child (and his father) as part of the package. That's a subtle difference to someone fostering/adopting when they actively choose to have the child in their lives.

It is what happens - I’m not saying it’s right but it does. My dad was my dad from when I was younger than 3, to when I was in my 30s, I helped care for him when he was forced out of work by ill health - his bio child never once had anything to do with him all the years me and mum were nursing him. We were really close, and when he died he left almost everything to his bio child, not to me or mum. Another friend of mine, also adopted, was left a few thousand by her parents when they died, but her sister - their biological ‘miracle’ child they had after adopting my friend as a baby, was left the multimillion pound house and all the other assets. For most people, it seems like genetics trumps everything else.

Is it reasonable to expect grandparents to give their money to a step-grandchild? No.

Is it reasonable to change your will to advantage the eldest? No, you need to make it 50/50.

It is down to your son. It is his money. If he wants to financially help his brother (now or in future) that’s HIS choice.

You say he won’t want to share his good fortune with his brother. Well that’s an end to the matter then. The money is rightfully his to do as he wants with. He may think differently in future, he may not.

Hopefully it won’t affect their relationship, but if it does, that’s on them to manage and work out, not you.

Blended families is a tough navigation. My mum owns her own house, her and my dad brought it together years ago, he cheated and moved out, they remained amicable, when we sold the house and moved in with my nan my mum paid off my dads debt and that was his share of the house. She also paid the rest of our mortgage off, my nans and paid for an extension on my nans house to accommodate everyone. My dad went onto have another mini family. 3 kids and a step son. Somewhere down the line me, my brother and sister will all get some sort of inheritance, my half siblings won’t get anything because my dad and thier mum only rent, they don’t have anything, and my dads parents don’t have too much, pretty sure they rent too, but have 4 kids, 12 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren. Not much you can do about it even if it does suck.

That’s why they’ve done it this way, to avoid their family assets being filtered down to non-family members (in their eyes I mean). I’ve seen this in my own wider family and it’s been tough for those involved. One of my cousins will inherit a lot, and their sibling won’t, due to exactly this kind of situation. I’m staying well out of it, but can see the problems it is causing, and this with people in their 30s, it must be so much harder when the children are younger like in your case.

But your child has a father other than your husband, and biological family on that side. So she now has two fathers and an extra set of grandparents to inherit from? Seems very unfair on your other daughter.

You are extremely cheeky and unreasonable to expect the grandparents to gift your elder son! And you clearly thought you had it all sussed out!

You chose to have children with two different men, and that comes with inbuilt differences, I.e. two different extended families. It isn’t your son’s fault.

i choose not to have more children, as I did not want to end up in a situation like that! My children have the same father, and I did not want to have a blended family at all. It often does not end well.

If your husband had an elder child from before you met him, would you expect your parents to gift that child an inheritance, therefore lowering the amount your own child would receive? No, thought not!!

I can assure you it very much is normal. Standard, even. Stepchildren inheriting from stepparents is the exception, not the rule. This is particularly true in families with substantial assets. That this isn’t your personal experience or preference does and will not change this, or make it wrong.

I don't think leaving a step child out of your estate is in any way normal!

My husband is the father of one of my DDs and not the other but his will is written for both to inherit equally, as of course is mine. I cannot think that any fair person would do differently. Were my husband and I not in agreement re this my will would exclude him from inheriting any of my estate.

I sympathise, it does seem hard, but on the other hand expecting them both to be treated the same by your in laws is not really reasonable, and clearly in your heart you know that. I also think you may be overcompensating with the older son-dropped out of uni, really not his fault in any way? In and out of employment completely not his fault either? I think you should really look at the evidence more dispassionately, parents always claim they treat their children the same- but it is never true, favouritism is always a factor to some extent.
Did you really expect the in-laws to give a boy who is in no way related to them by blood a property?
I wouldn't and I don't think anyone not emotionally invested would either.
You can't really expect your husband to change his will to favour your older son- he did bring him up as his own, it's likely he feels he has done enough.
I think you have never really considered exactly what marrying a man when you already have a 3 year old child means , practically, on the ground- there are always problems, you have ignored the probability of problems for years, but they always surface eventually.

You know about genetic make up of a 20 year old you never met based on such little info?

You definitely have a chip on your shoulder to talk about not being good looking but still not marrying an ugly man with money. It seems like you have been conscious of your looks and see a genetic connection, and projecting it on OP’s older son. Ability to hold jobs or finish a uni course is not genetic like physical appearance.

You are entitled to your opinion and if my parents had split the money between me and my sister I would agree with you. However they didn't and instead in their lifetime chose to give twice as much money to one granddaughter as the other 2. This is something I would never consider doing. If I have grandkids. What 1 gets they will all get.

You are quite crackers. That’s all.

Nope, neither a stepchild nor a stepparent. My experience with blended families was a professional one, and I have seen situations like OP’s play out more than once. The reality is that the vast majority of people place greater importance on blood family does than non blood family (spouses being the exception), and this is something that has always been the case.

If my dad had not thought it a bit dodgy I would have been aware of the situation, not discovered it after his death.

I would just like to have heard it explained why my 2 were 2nd class.

But would you expect your older son to share a house if he inherited his father’s estate and ended up with something more valuable?

Not how I see it. To me it suggests my neice was viewed as twice as important as either of my 2 DDs. My neice already had half a million my sister scammed in insurance for my late brother in law so really didn't need twice as much.

Op, ignore people being nasty to you and your older son. I understand you are sad to see that your son do not have the opportunities other kids in family have. I also understand you are worried he may not have that close relationships with cousins like your other son. You can’t control any of that. Provide guidance to your son with his education and job. Help him understand value of his own money and saving. Teach him good work ethics, it’s important for everyone but more so for those who do not have financial support like your younger one and his cousins. Maybe he can get into financial lucrative career as he is going to university through graduate programs, even if he sticks to teaching, it is a good profession. Hopefully he doesn't need help from his step family. If you can find any part time work, you should do that.