Different Dads Different Prospects

If everyone on MN came on this thread to say your husband and his parents were being unreasonable, it wouldn't make a bit of real difference, beyond possibly encouraging you to dig in your heels and make things even worse. The fact of the matter is that you in-laws don't view your first son as their responsibility or the rightful inheritor of the fruits of their labours, and that's not surprising. It's also not surprising that your husband doesn't want to give his biological son less to make up the difference. All you can do is support both your sons to make the most of their lives.

I do think it would be good if you could help your first son with things like driving lessons, if he's interested and you can possibly afford it—anything that would help him get on his feet in a steady job—but I don't blame your husband for not wanting to change the will to favour one child over the other. And I think your son is right not to speak to your husband about it. It sounds like he's realistic, knows the score, and doesn't want to stir up discord when it won't do any good.

I’d like to think if we ended up with ‘step’ grandchildren, we’d be generous with birthdays/christmas/etc, but expecting equal inheritance/house deposit type money is unrealistic OP. One DS is their grandchild, the other isn’t, unless of course they are multi millionaire type rich, I’d maybe cough up a house deposit in those circumstances!

Wow - this is just dreadful to me.

‘this child’ as you put it has been part of that family for years. They’ve essentially helped raise him! How does that not count for anything? Doesn’t sound like he had another father figure does it? One would assume OPs husband took on that role, I don’t think this has even been respected by the in-laws - it should have been, taking on a child that isn’t yours and raising it is a wonderful thing to do.

you should also shove your hateful opinions of single mothers off this forum, disgusting.

Look at it from their side. This woman who has a child with a useless loser started dating their son and then immediately got pregnant. Their son is a good guy and stayed, the relationship worked out. But would it have worked out if she didn’t get pregnant right away?

Looks like she trapped their son. They don’t want to provide for the step child. A step chld who has dropped out of uni. It is what it is.

The replies to this are almost uniformly horrible imo. People seem more interested in shaming the OP for daring to have a blended family, than showing any compassion to her older son who is going through something really tough. No I wouldn’t expect her PIL to give him a house, but it sounds like both they and the second son could do with being more tactful in terms of how they handle the inequality. It doesn’t take any emotional intelligence at all to know that it would be quite shocking and upsetting for older son to hear that younger son is being gifted a house when he won’t be, and the fact that younger son just casually announced it at the dinner table would make me worry that at best he’s being insensitive and at worst he might be actively bragging a bit. There were kinder ways to handle that and if he wants a good relationship with his brother he needs to recognise that the unearned privileges he’s getting come with some responsibilities to handle them gracefully. Yes the older son also has responsibilities to try not to be resentful, but it doesn’t sound like they’re making that very easy for him at the moment.

Personally if you know that your younger son will have had such a good financial leg up from his grandparents, I wouldn’t see it as ‘punishing’ him to try and even things out in terms of the inheritance you leave to your sons, and would want to let them both know now that’s what you will be doing. Why are people so upset at the idea of younger son being ‘punished’ by ‘only’ getting a free house and a car from his grandparents and not necessarily 50% of your money, but aren’t upset at the idea of your older son being ‘punished’ because his dad isn’t helping him out? I’d phrase it to your sons as, you love them both and want them both to have the best possible life, and as your younger son already has a house and car you’ll be leaving more to older son to contribute towards him also having those things. It’s about doing your best to get them to the same level, not about ‘punishing’ anyone.

I am a GP of a 5 year old boy and he has 3 older siblings. When DS met his GF I welcomed them into the home with open arms. 2 years later GS was born. I treat them all the same when it comes to birthdays etc. I recently paid for all of them to fly over to our holiday home. However, they won’t be inheriting anything from me and nor will I give them financial support that I hope to give my GS as he gets older. I adore them all but it’s money that I have worked hard for and my parents before me. Having said that they wouldn’t expect anything different and certainly wouldn’t be upset. Hope this helps

Your oldest son’s prospects are in a mess because he dropped out of uni and takes temporary jobs. Not because your husband’s parents won’t buy him a house.

Don't be ridiculous. If OP felt so strongly about it, she should have worked to ensure that her elder son was provided for, and not trapped a man into becoming a father (which is honestly what this reads like) If I were the grandparents, this child would inherit over my dead body. Or rather, wouldn't.

I don’t know who these people are who can’t accept a small child into their family and treat them equally.

I think it’s bloody awful

my biological dad left my mum when I was a baby, step dad raised me, I was 5 or 6 when he came to live with us. To me he is my dad, he treats me as his own, I also Inherited when his mother died.

hearts of stone your in-laws have - this could drive a wedge between the brothers, I’d look to even it out.

OP - what do you mean by ‘ he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.’

surely he knows what’s going on? His parents are gifting large assets to their grandchildren. They aren’t include their son’s step son in this?

did you husband adopt your son, that would change things for me.

I understand why you feel sad about the situation but I don’t think you should change your will. Your younger son is loved equally by his mum and you shouldn’t put that in doubt after your death.

I would speak openly about with your older son about how much of a shame it is that his grandparents aren’t in a position to offer anything.

Seperately you need to encourage your son to do something about his situation. Dropping out of uni and being in and out Iof work needs sorting out for his long term prospects.

Also, you say your elder son 'won't approach his dad to ask what's going on'. Why would he? It sounds as if he actually has his head screwed on the right way. Your husband is also not his dad. Did you make any effort at all to get maintenance from his bio dad? If not, why not? Don't you see that from the point of view of your husband and his parents, you are seeing him as a meal ticket for your elder son? That isn't your son's fault. It is yours, and also his bio dad's.

This is hard on your older son, but it's reasonable of your inlaws to leave their property to their bio- grandchildren, but usually it wouldn't bevan issue till the grandparents had died.

I hope it doesn't become an issue between your sons, I think you need to help your oldest to understand that while it feels unfair, it's not that unexpected.

Your younger son won't need financial support from you, so you will be able to provide more funds to older son eg to pay for education or training to help him get more stable work.

I don't think you should change your will to leave more to the older at this stage - maybe when they're older and settled, they're too young to know what their needs will be when/if they have families.

I put yanbu in that yanbu as a mother to be upset that your two sons have such different opportunities. However you are probably being unreasonable to have expected that the step grandparents would disadvantage their own grandchildren in the will or with houses to give such large amounts to their dsgc. Especially if there are other grandchildren in the mix to provide for. Money only goes so far and inevitably people choose their own family for large amounts. It is hard though op. Especially if in things like birthdays and Christmas they've always had more or less the same growing up. Even that doesn't always happen so it's good when it does but inevitably, for the older boy, having been equal in the smaller things all his life, it's a terrible shock to find himself not equal in the big things. You can't do much about big things like houses but I would be trying to ensure that the older boy gets some of the smaller things. With all the younger one is getting I can't imagine he's going to feel hard done by if you say something like ...it was so kind of dgp to pay for your driving lessons. That's been helpful to us as well. We were going to give you both driving lessons at some point so I'm really pleased we can get going on them for your brother. This is not criticizing the dgp as such you are presenting it as helpful. If possible,when he's learnt to drive could you say the same about maybe getting a second hand car for older brother. Can't imagine younger brother or DH would care about this since the younger one already has these. You obviously can't buy older one a house but if I could afford it I would be asking older one for board but putting the money away for a deposit for him. These small gestures will show the older one he very much matters in your own family and, with all his advantages, surely the other brother would be glad to see his brother helped like this. After all big brother wouldn't be getting anything little brother doesn't already have. Hopefully your DH won't mind either as this doesn't impact on big long term things like property in a will. It would make your elder son feel he mattered, make you happier and hopefully help the relationship between your two sons. 💐

Try and get your older child back into study and into a secure job. Once he is saving his own money you and DH might be able to assist him with a part house deposit.
It will be harder for him but he should not give up.

He has a good example of a hard working family and you need to tell him to work, save and ask for some help when he wants to buy a small property. His brother owning a house should give him incentive.

You could leave your property unevenly to your eldest but your husband and his family don't need to treat your eldest the same.
Maybe the grandparents might give your eldest some tips. He should ask for their advice.
Have you asked your son's biofamily for help with higher education fees?

Exactly. I am astonished that the OP hasn't thought this out properly. It almost reads as if she expects this family to subsidise her elder son. Life rarely works like that. It is also why blended families are a bad idea.

Them's the breaks. No of course you shouldn't change your wills. I mean, you can change yours if you want, but your husband is under zero obligation to change his and also probably won't leave your elder son anything anyway. Why should he?

I think getting a life insurance that goes to your eldest is a good idea and letting both boys know.

My Step uncle (who's father died) was given a massive inheritance from his Grandparents and then later an Aunt. My dad was really upset with the aunt as he thought she really loved him.
When my grandad died (the stepfather to my uncle) he gave my dad exactly the same amount more than his stepbrother to match the Aunt. My uncle knew this was going to happen as they had spoken about it beforehand and was fine about it.

I think the most important thing to do at this point is to have very opened and honest conversations with your sons. And also let your elders know that he doesn't really have to engage with his step grandparents anymore if he doesn't want to and it's fine to be upset.

I get he’s not blood related but he’s been in their lives at least 16 years. They have seen him grow up. If he had been adopted by her dh would it be the same?

What do your and your DH’s will say? Your eldest isn’t your DH’s son (unless he’s been adopted?). Has he left anything at all to his stepson?

The only thing you can do is talk openly between all four of you about your feelings on this. They’re old enough to understand now. There’s nothing you can or should do to try to change your in laws’ or DH’s mind. But you can make sure this doesn’t divide the boys.

OP would need to be careful with this and get legal advice. If they own as joint tenants her half would automatically pass to DH if she died first. They would need to sever the joint tenancy and hold the property as tenants in common, then she could dictate who receives her share.

He isn’t their grandson and won’t ever be. It’s not reasonable to expect they give some of their inheritance to him nor is it fair on your youngest for you to change your will in favour of the eldest to even things out. That’s the reality with blended families. He is your son not their grandson

Just to say though whilst I feel you and your dh should leave your assets to both your dc your dh cannot stop you from changing your will. Who you leave your half of your house and savings to is up to you.

If this was me I would be saving a separate pot of money for my son. I usually think secrets are a bad idea in marriages but I would keep this to myself.

Yes my dds have experienced this with exh wifes no2 family and wife no 3 family and I’m sorry to say but with dh family too. It’s crap and if I’d known at the time I might have done things differently.