Different Dads Different Prospects

What do you want to do?

If you want to level things, you don't need your husbands permission to change your will ir take out a loan. You can amend your will to make your eldest the sole beneficiary.

You can take out a loan for driving lessons, car and course fees.

There's not a lot more you can do.

You may find DH doesn't like it though and may tit for tat and leave everything to the youngest to counter it. He may do that anyway if you go first so consider how you are going to secure your eldest interest if you go first.

More upfront?? No, why would they need to discuss it. The DC isn't related to them, he has most likely been favourite of his DM.

I can understand your concerns. This is a really sad situation for the eldest. Accident of birth has dictated their life chances and was through no fault on his part. Equally the Grandparents are doing something incredible for their Grandson.
Your eldest needs a hand up too so you’ll need to find a way or make one to try and level the playing field. Could you downsize and raise enough via that and a lifetime ISA to help him get a foot on the property ladder? Giving eldest a bit more in wills I don’t think is wrong. It’s not punishing the youngest but taking into account his need is less. Just be open about it if you do. As it stands not only did your eldest not have support of paternal side of family he’s again likely been made to feel less than, ‘other’ and that imho needs addressed.

I agree with this.

if the grandparents were so hung up on the blood relations they really should have been more upfront earlier.

it was not unreasonable for OP to think DH would inherit and split more equally between the two boys.

Take on a part time job, provide driving lessons for DC1. Finance a small second hand car.
The rest he can work out himself.
I know many tradesmen pulling in over 100,000 a year, not counting cash in hand jobs, my friend a plumber can pull in 3000 a week.
He can earn while he trains.
Pay for a start up plumbing course if necessary.
I don't blame your husband for not changing the will. What do you want him to say to his father? how could he even consider questioning this?
If you haven't cushioned DS1, start now.

Can you not just talk to your DS's and then make a decision? I don't think this is the best place to ask about this sort of thing OP because these threads always go the same way.

Personally, I think it's very wrong of the GPs to do this....your son was three and has probably always felt a bit of an outsider so of course this is going to hurt him deeply. In my opinion if the GP's could afford it, they should be giving your son a house. Because it's the right thing to do. It's what a kind person with integrity would do. If they can't afford it, the next best thing to do would be to give your son some money.

It's hard when your DH is showing that he doesn't really care about your son, and by extension, you. I think the will ought to be changed at least a bit, but be revised over time if circumstances change. I don't think it should be evened out fully because that's not fair on younger DS, who would then be paying for the unethical manner in which his GP's are behaving.

But there's no point me saying all this because you can hardly use this thread as leverage.

How am I being ridiculous?

how is it ridiculous to take a small child with no father figure and fully accept as as your own family? With no differences? Including inheritance.

Could you perhaps pay for driving lessons for the eldest? That would definitely help. I can’t imagine the youngest would be too bothered considering they can drive.

This is why split families don’t really work, the likelihood of having messed up adults who resent their sibling(s) because of the ‘unfairness’ is high and I say that as a step mum. For the people who grow up with absent paternal families that have to watch their siblings paternal family give them houses/cars/a leg up in life, it must be so bloody hard.

I’m a single mum of two kids I had in my twenties. When I split with their dad, I pretty much decided that I would not have more kids because I didn’t ever want any situation of inequality. Because it always happens.

If my kids ever end up with someone who already has kids, then I plan to treat them as my own grandkids. Because that’s my choice. But it is also a completely reasonable choice to treat them a little different in terms of large gifts and inheritance, like your husband’s parents are doing. Both choices are valid.

They don’t want to support your older son. And since he dropped out of uni and won’t get a proper job… well, he isn’t exactly showing himself in a great light. I’m not sure I’d want to support someone totally feckless like that.

You made the choice to have kids with different dads, and this is the sort of thing that can happen. It’s why I chose not to. I’m still very happy in a very fulfilling relationship now that my children are teenagers. I made the right choice for me. You made the right choice for you as you wanted more kids, but that means accepting the situation of inequality. You should have been doing all you could to provide him with driving lessons etc as you knew the grandparents would do it for your younger child.

Your poor, poor DS1.

it’s so very well barking ‘suck it up’ but not only has he not had any hope of building a future, his relationship with his only sibling has been cracked too.

That’s huge. He must have been very saddened at what his so-called grandparents think too.

Life is unfair, but the horrifying realisation that your own family can be the most unfair of all its blows is hardly something to celebrate.

Yet you’ve said nothing at all about the older son’s biological Dad, he knows he has a son yet has left it completely to other people including the OP to raise and support him.

Did you get maintenance payments from the dad of the older one? What about his parents, are they not interested in knowing their grandson?

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel that way, although it's obviously not your youngest fault (or your PILs).
You shouldn't change your will, but invest in your eldest son now. If he needs financial support to get back into education for instance, or driving lessons and help buying a car.

“It’s quite obvious what’s going on. Younger son is “blood” and the grandparents want to keep the wealth in the family by passing down property.”

That what it comes down to.

Maybe it would have been kinder if they’d explained their intentions earlier, so you could have been putting money aside for a deposit for your younger son. Then it wouldn’t have been so much of a shock.

However, apart from these big ticket purchases, have they been generally fair over the years? Good grandparents to all?

Blended families are very difficult.

Does the oldest son paternal grandparents or your parents give your son a nest egg.

I would have expected that from the biological DGP's. You should have prepared for this situation.

It was never going to be equal.
If you knew DC1 had a absent unsupportive, financially useless father, you needed to cushion him.

you are being ridiculous.
It's one thing to welcome a child, treat them equally and be kind to them.

It's another thing entirely to put them on your will!

If a mother decides to give less to one of her own children, and not treat them equally, she's a terrible mother.

You’re completely absolving the older son’s Dad of any responsibility at all for his child’s wellbeing or upbringing. OP’s older son has two parents. One of them has stuck around, the OP. The other has buggered off. Interesting that you’re placing all the blame on the one who stuck around.

Hear hear. I actually feel bad for both sons.

What do you mean 'my opinion of single mothers'? I don't have an opinion of 'single mothers'. I have an opinion of people who expect others to subsidise their own poor choices, whether that those others are the state or a step family.

I can’t see anything unreasonable in what your in-laws are doing , your eldest son is not related to them so why would they give him a house / car etc all they are doing is treating all their grandchildren equally .

This is all because of you OP.

You put your children in this position.

It's nobody elses fault but yours.

Absolutely. The entitlement of the posters who support the OP is off the charts.

YAB massively U

YOU must treat your children equally, it's already more tricky for your husband, He could make a will favouring his own child, that's normal. Why should he split everything in half, when one is not his child? It's tricky for him.

Grand-parents don't have any responsibility whatsoever towards a child that has nothing to do with them. Of course you can't expect them to either exclude your child because he has a step-brother

or give a house to someone who is not family.

YOU seem very biased towards your first child, why do you accept that he doesn't even have a job, while resenting the other who does work?
Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job.
if everything was given to him a plate like you said, the second wouldn't even bother to have a job.

You should be proud that he has a work ethic.

You should also push your first one to stop lazying around and do something.

YOU are not treating them equally, you make it sounds like number 1 is your favourite.

Your job was and is to foster closeness, fairness and advocacy between the two brothers growing up. If one gets training and gets a good job, he should be able to help his brother into the jobs market. If one has driving lessons he can help teach is brother to drive. If one gets a house, he can have his brother stay to save a deposit. You can't control the grandparents but you do have influence over your kids.