Different Dads Different Prospects

No one is shaming her. People are pointing out that this is the reality of blended families where there is significant financial disparity, and she did indeed choose to bring her eldest into this situation. She was the one responsible for him, not them.

That doesn’t mean she has done anything wrong (and her DH and in laws haven’t either). It just is what it is.

Why do you expect your husband's parents to do what your oldest son's father and his parents haven't?

His father is involved at times, you got child maintenance, why couldn't you ask his father to pay half a driver's ed course?

You have a partially blended family. Your husband's parents aren't your oldest son's grandparents and aren't going to set him up financially like they are doing for their bio grandchildren. They don't see him as a grandchild because he's not. You FIL had an industrial accident and invested his settlement wisely. He paid for that with his body.

Your younger son is going to have to work to maintain a rental property and learn the business skills that requires. Your inlaws have a work ethic they're passing on to him. He's working a part time job at present.

Your oldest seems to be drifting. He's dropped out, works here and there for a bit, and you're moaning that he's not getting things off your husband's parents. Girl. If he wanted driving lessons, he's be working as much as he could to pay for them and a car. He'd be out there mowing lawns and doing whatever he could to add to his driving and car fund.

If you leave your estate to your oldest only, you are telling your youngest that he isn't entitled to your financial support. He can expect nothing from you. That's a harsh truth for a kid to face.

It almost sounds like your oldest is your golden child whom you will enable and excuse.

Oh please no one is shaming her. We just find it strange she didn’t see this coming. Even in her first post she says I was quite a catch as you can imagine implying she knew they didn’t approve. These are the choices she made, tough for her eldest but it’s not unfair. Growing up (and even now) how many of us had the rich friends that were handed everything to them on a silver platter and we went whining to our parents how unfaaiiiir life was! Unfortunately for her eldest he has to live with and experience it everyday happening right in front of him.

I only have one son but 2 SK and my son ha a been given a huge inheritance money regular cash from grandparents and stands inherit again property and cash

to be honest it’s why I only had one son and not to blend family finances

I think they should have spoken to us before speaking to a 17 year old child about money he was going to receive.

On that point, YANBU.

you are the only one who see "shaming the woman".

It's telling that YOU translate it as a punishing the mother, when everybody else sees it simply at prioritising family.

let's hope you're never on the wrong side of mob one day. Vile. someone is reading to many novels 😂

I’m not sure what you expected here. In laws are sensibly ensuring that their grandchildren inherit their money by passing it on directly. Passing it on to married children usually means spouse inherits and can do what they like.
mirror wills made sense if your husband inherited directly but now don’t. But you can change your own will and don’t have to even tell your husband. In your shoes I would ask eldest bio father whether he has made a will and put anything aside for child. Tell eldest I will support with house deposit etc etc which I would have been saving for.

Wow, raw nerve or something? That reaction is really OTT. Hearts of stone 🙄

I haven't seen any shaming going on, just pointing out this is the reality of the situation. Life isn't fair. It's not fair that one child has a shittier, less involved dad while the other, has a better one who is involved in his life, but that's life.

My kids would not have tolerated that and whoever had hit the jackpot like that would have shared equally with the other.

If that's all you can interpret, despite what's been written down, there's not a lot anyone can about that.

No one particularly cares how many men OP chooses to have children with.

They are saying she's being unreasonable for expecting two unrelated people to gift her child hundreds of thousands via a house.

OP Is more than within her rights to change her will and give her money to who she chooses.

That doesn’t mean she gets to dictate that other people financially support her child who has two parents and two sets of grandparents already.

I never understand these posts… of course there will be a disparity. Surely you knew this when you created a blended family.

So shall we just be honest and agree a lot of you are basically shaming a woman for daring to have children to different fathers. Hearts of fucking stone. OP don't listen to this archaic sexist shaming nonsense. Do what feels fair to you. I'm not sure much has changed in terms of how society treats women and their fatherless children. And to those of you passing judgement, congratulations on making all the "right" choices, let's hope you're never on the wrong side of mob one day. Vile.

It's true, DH agreeing a 50/50 split for a DSS could be much worse.

The exact same thing happened to me at a similar age. My brother was given a house from his parental grandparents and an allowance and I struggled to make ends meet.
My maternal grandmother was outraged at it and openly changed her will to leave everything to me, which made me uncomfortable in itself.
I haven’t benefited and probably won’t, given she’s been in a care home for many years and the house is now gone.
Its shit and it never leaves you but there’s nothing you can do. I blamed my mother for years, thinking she could’ve put a stop to it but what would that have achieved? My brother having nothing wouldn’t have made me any richer. What annoys me the most is she still boasts about his lovely home and life like it wasn’t handed to him on a plate; don’t do that.

What are you doing to help your eldest settle down and think of his future?
Can he do another course or an apprenticeship?

YOU need to stop looking to your husbands family and shoulder the responsibility to speak plainly to your son that he needs to think about his future.

Plenty of students stick with courses they don't like because it makes sense.

My own son hated his university course but finished it because he knew it was hugely beneficial to him to have such an employable degree.

Forget about inheritance and look at what you can do for your son.
Borrow if necessary to get him driving lessons.

Her husband has already agreed to share his share with OP's son and you think she should now will him her entire half too? What happens if he inherits from his own grandparents/father?

That's life. As much as you'd like to think you're one, happy family, you're not. As the old adage (long since fallen out of favour) goes, life isn't fair.

Your eldest son is an adult. He has to make his own decisons and live by them - like choosing a job that involves long periods of unemployment. If he wants his fortunes to change, he needs to be proactive about it and change something.

With blended families becoming more common, it’s also become more common for grandparents to leave their assets directly to their grandchildren.

I’m not sure what your husband speaking to his parents would achieve. They haven’t done anything wrong here, and your husband taking issue with their decisions is unlikely to go well.

Right now your own assets are being left 50/50. While you can change your own will to leave a greater proportion to your eldest, if you do that your husband can do the same for his son in response. Without your husband’s agreement, your son isn’t going to end up with more than the 50% he’s already going to get. Acting unilaterally to change the will only create bad feeling and make no material difference for your eldest.

In all honesty I think your DH has already been generous in agreeing to 50:50 wills. I think often it would be that your 50% gets split between your two sons and his son gets his 50%.

I can imagine as a mother it is hard to see two sons treated differently through no fault of their own. But I don't think there's much to be done apart from telling your sons that you love them both and will treat them both equally yourself.

His dad sounds useless but not totally uninvolved? He should be contributing to his son's upbringing and that's the big issue here I think.

So, your husband’s brothers had help to buy their houses but your husband wasn’t given help? That’s probably because he was with you, and they didn’t want you taking half.

It’s quite clear they don’t approve of you and are trying to make sure their money doesn’t go to you and your oldest son. What would be the point in talking to them?

Your have a simple choice. You and your husband accept it and continue civil relations with them or you tell them it’s unacceptable to have treated your husband differently from
his brothers and now your sons differently and you go no contact.

I’d be prepared for then to bypass your husband in their will and give his share to their grandson instead.

OP do you actually know ILs aren't going to will anything to DH? Because you mention the blood GC being given houses, but presumably ILs still have a property they live in?

I think to the grandparents they see the older child does have a father, even if he isn’t fully involved and so that is what makes a huge difference also. With an adopted child they would of no doubt gone through the process with their child and partner and wanted to make a special effort to welcome this new baby grandchild as their own from the start, can’t really compare the 2 situations

Your dh may be against changing his will, but you can absolutely leave your half to your older son.
It won't stop the inequity of course. But it shows you have done what you can