Different Dads Different Prospects

Yes agree with you on the likelihood, but not the posters that call it inevitable as if it were impossible to ensure equity between half-siblings that have been raised together since toddler age.

It's not up to your husband or his parents to provide for your son. He has a paternal family, somewhere, surely. Why expect people who aren't related to him to stump up if his own flesh and blood won't?

I am part of a blended family, I would never expect my in-laws to treat my older children in the same way they do their own grandchildren.

I think yab extremely unreasonable.
Your DH will inherit from his parents, so it'll come from them anyway.
Are you suggesting that the family home should be split less than 50/50? In favour of DC1? That's awful on DC2, it isn't his fault they've different Dad's.
In your husbands situation, I'd be leaving my half fully to DC 2, if he has already agreed on 50/50 you're doing well.
Stop badgering your DH, gratitude is the opposite of resentment.
I assume you're young enough, take on another job.

OP I am heartbroken for your son, I find alot of the replies so bloody awful too. How can nobody empathise with the inequality. Your eldest son must feel life is very unfair, both in the fact that his biological Dad is a deadbeat and so has not had that nuclear family relationship his little brother has and also your youngest gets another massive head start financially too.

That is incredibly tough and quite frankly I probably would be looking to try and help my eldest out a bit more myself (as much as possible) you'll never make them even, but you can let your eldest know that you think he deserves a hand up too.

Really wish your in-laws could've waited before announcing giving your youngest a house, or maybe discussed it with you first! Surely that could have waited to be announced after uni for the youngest and given your eldest a bit of time to find his own feet in the world first. Having the youngest announce he'll be getting a free house at 16 when your eldest is struggling to launch into this shitty jobs market is really disheartening and will surely drive a wedge between them.

They are not unrelated they are part of a family that have been together since her son was 3 years old but apparently that means nothing and step children, foster children, adopted children and anyone we're not related to by blood means nothing and we owe them nothing. I'm astounded how heartless some of you are.

OP has said that her eldest's bio father was involved, there were visits up to twice a week at times and he paid some child maintenance. Adoption wouldn't be possible.

I was your oldest son in this situation. I feel truly for him and wish him the best. He can choose his own life and choose the people who will always put him first.

It was always far more likely that this would happen than not.

The eldest has a relationship with his own father. That his paternal family are lacking in comparison to his brother’s does not mean it was the responsibility of her in laws to make up for that. By the sounds of it they have been kind to him, they just don’t see him as a grandchild because he isn’t.

OP hasn’t said that her husband wanted to adopt him, or that it was something she ever expected to happen anyway. If her children being considered and treated equally was important to her, then this was not a relationship she should have pursued.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

You thought your eldest would get some of their estate through your husband and they've bypassed that. Game's up.

It's the grandparents estate and they are choosing to distribute it how they want. They are choosing to leave it to biologically related grandchildren. What you want doesn't matter to them when it comes to their estate.

He does have Involvement with his Dad.

I'll go against the grain here & say your ILs are being unreasonable. Given your eldest was only three when you got together with their son and has no involvement from his bio dad, I'd imagine they could have treated him as a grandchild? I would in their shoes, unless the mother made it clear she was uncomfortable with that. They're clearly minted so there's plenty to go around. It just all seems a bit sad.

Yes - that is quite a leech-like outlook.

OP, you can earn your earn money!

You shouldn’t be expecting your son to inherit from your husband. He should inherit from you.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

And they didn’t want that, hence why they’ve taken steps to prevent that from happening. Again, this is now very common with blended families, and what their solicitor certainly would have enquired about and advised.

The mistake here was yours. You shouldn’t have assumed anything about inheritance and/or counted on money that was never yours to control. You may be upset and angry that things haven’t worked out as you planned, but don’t project your anger onto them when they haven’t done anything wrong.

OP, try not to feel upset about this.

As you can see most people see your in laws as being quite reasonable in wanting to take care of their own grandchildren. I think fair for them to pass wealth directly into grandchildren to avoid it going (indirectly) to your eldest.

Your eldest has different grandparents, that’s all. It’s no one’s fault that they aren’t as wealthy. Stop trying to make your in laws responsible for him.

It would be best if you encourage your eldest to work harder on himself.

Are you sure they haven’t already spoken to your DH and he was uncomfortable telling you? How did he know that your IL had helped his siblings buy (and not him) and had set up the other cousins?

Your DS equally has a father and grandparents - the ILs could assume if they give your older DS something he technically has more than their grandson as inheriting from double sources?

The poor financial decisions of your feckless ex is not for them to plug. Who knows the grandparents aunt/uncle etc may have made provision for your DS.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

They’ve done it deliberately to avoid this.

It’s their money to do with as they see fit. That’s also blended families.

I do not agree it was at all inevitable your two sons would be treated so differently. He was only 3 and he essentially has no father. This isn’t a ‘blended family’ situation as your older son has no other family.

Why hasn’t your husband formally adopted him? Why hasn’t he addressed this issue with his parents?

I would even go so far to say that the little differences were cumulative and like you, as the years went on it has added up to a very big gap. The psychological impact of this will be absolutely terrible.

I'd probably ask them to leave it in their will to him though as a large gift at such a young age could really negatively affect the course of his life.

I do feel for your eldest, that must hurt to feel the difference. Try not to let it impact their relationship though, they're still brothers.

Mumsnet seems obsessed with equal inheritance shares for children - I disagree. I am conscious most of my mum's estate will go to my sister, who needs it more for various reasons. This is fine by me. I would leave more to your eldest son from your own estate, but discuss this with them both beforehand so they understand and there are no surprises - sounds like the surprise of this announcement from the grandparents was the worst part

My sister has a son with a very wealthy godfather who has no children himself. He's elderly and planning to leave everything to godson. Her other children accept this and see it as a bit of good luck for their brother, like winning the lotto. Perhaps you could frame it this way?

I had this exact conversation with my DH yesterday when discussing how his db was after a break up. His db had step children who were expected to be treated just like every other grandchild, there had been aggro in the past were step children weren’t getting the same kind of financial assistance as other grandchildren as they weren’t eligible to access funds from the family trust set up. In laws actually gave their own personal money to stepchildren to keep BIL and ex happy, it never sat right with me them kicking off. As a family step children were always treat the same for birthdays, christmases, holidays called cousins etc but ultimately they were not biologically grandchildren and when in-laws set the trust up it was to cover their grandchildren’s future, it was set up when oldest was born not knowing how many grandchildren they would eventually have. If BIL wanted to give them money and help out that was his choice.

Now after years of being welcome treat just the same as everyone else, my DCs have grown up calling these children cousins, loved them, BIL and ex wife have split he dosnt see step children due to ex wife refusing, they are old enough to choose but they don’t want to upset their mum and BIL would not push it, he has children of his own so understands their mum comes first to them. They are now no longer involved in any of our lives, one niece still talks to one of the step children at school but that’s it.

Im all for step children being treated equally in day to day life but I do think it’s a big ask to expect grandparents or anyone else to support them financially.

I do agree that they should have spoken to you both before discussing this with him. But I don't think that it is reasonable to expect your eldest to inherit from your in-laws. He might do, if your husband inherits directly. But I think that would be extremely lucky rather than expected. It's not up to your husband or his parents to make up for eldest's father not paying. That's his father's responsibility alone.

Blended families are proof writ large that life is unfair. It's a particularly bitter pill for your older son to swallow.

I guess the best you can do is support him to concentrate on his education, training and finding a good career path to encourage him to make his own success.