Being shouted at over the washing

Nothing to be done this weekend. Speak to a solicitor on Monday and start to understand the process to leave him. You are doing all the work at home, financially sorted, get this man out of your life, you'll be so much better off.

Don't talk to him about this anymore, you spoke to him about leaving a year ago, this was his chance to prove things could work.

Get your ducks in a row and then show him the door when you're ready.

This.
Personally, I find the OP’s arrangement for their laundry a total farce! Anything soiled with wee/poo/vomit needs sluicing and washing asap rather than being left to stick the house out!
Get a grip OP and stop wasting detergent, energy, water……….think about the environment.

Ps I just saw that you want to leave but feel too guilty. Ong just leave!!! Kids need happy parents not screaming they will be much less traumatized by a separation than screaming matches and numb upset mum and angry mess of a dad

So if you took back on all of the washing what would he do instead?

I'm guessing nothing as that was his take it or leave it ridiculous offer?

Washing by person!

Not only is he an arsehole he's ridiculous & abusive!

This

He’s a prick

Leave. My ex was like this about ridiculous stuff (groceries in particular) and had no compunction about shouting at me in front of the kids. It was horrible. Ended the marriage in 2022 and although being a single mum is hard it is not nearly as hard as living with a horrible prick. I also have a lovely partner now who would not dream of shouting at me for 10 seconds let alone 10 minutes.

So what would happen if you said

’darling just in case you hadn’t spotted there are wee clothes in the laundry basket and just in case you didn’t know they’ll smell and rot if they’re not washed immediately.’
if it’s truly his job and he wants to do it properly then he would immediately sort it out.

but you could also not micromanage and see if he deals with the consequence ie buying a new laundry basket or cleaning this and buying new clothes if needs be and airing out the children’s rooms - having to sort out he consequences of his lazy efforts is what would make him change them.

it’s hard as you have to stop your standards.

however, whatever the situation, shouting at you for ten mins isn’t ok whatever happened and however frustrated he is - I think this maybe abusive or if he is otherwise ok then maybe you two need couples theorist to agree how you talk and communicate in a non toxic way, and you can discuss stuff like this in that space

I really do think im married to an arsehole. When he shouts like that I feel such shame and just kind of disbelief that this is happening and im tolerating it. It makes me feel like im going crazy.

That's what needs to be said to him in front of a counsellor.

Don't get into when pants need washing.

seriously, tell him that you need a better division of tasks.

Ask him if he smells the pissy clothes. My DH smells nearly nothing, i (according to rest of family) have a telescopic sense of smell.

who does the cooking, shopping, cleaning, kids appointments, lunches etc etc.

He shouldn't be shouting though. Next time tell him you are removing yourself from the scene until he can discuss things properly like an adult: then leave the room/house.

Is he controlling in other ways?

I couldn’t live like this. 💐

You haven't got crazy standards op.

But the washing is too granular or microscopic an issue to fight this battle over.

He's got his reasons he feels that is justified - ones which aren't too convoluted to follow.

I think you need counselling if you want this marriage to work, You need a place to discuss the issues - the real issues, which are manifesting as arguments about the laundry - where he isn't going to be able to blow up.

OP, you really need to leave. This man could be a risk to your's and the children's safety.

Well said

So are you saying that OP's DH was justified in shouting at her for 10 minutes because putting the wee-soacked pyjamas in with her washing was a veiled criticism?

Leave him. My goodness he's turned what was supposed to be a 'help' into a weapon. This is, in a way, worse than before when you resented him for not doing enough (been there. I get it). Now he's got a 'thing' he does he weaponises it to make you look unreasonable. Leave him. He's an arsehole and this isn't getting better.

He knows he's not doing the job properly or in a timely fashion so he is taking your action as a direct insult, which he should he should be ashamed of being incompetent and leaving pissy soaked clothing arpund the house BUT he should not be taking that out on you, definitely not shouting at your for 10 mins about his inadequate behaviour.
I would revise the Chores since he won't do it right for his own children and leave him to wash his own clothes, cook his own food and anything else that impacts him and him alone.

Im sorry you married a useless and abuse twat.

The whole thing seems crazy to me. Why separate washing into different loads depending on who wears those particular clothes? Why make extra hassle?Surely most households put together into the machine or the handwash whatever clothes need washing at that temperature (allowing for whites/darks/coloureds) regardless of who wears the clothes.

So, basically he grudgingly took on ONE task because you had to point out he wasn't doing his fair share, and instead of just happily getting on with it like a normal person (and being grateful that you're doing all the rest), he's venting his resentment by pretending to gatekeep his special task and acting outraged that you could dare step on his toes about it? Obviously what's really going on is that he's been waiting for an excuse to shout at you about it, in the hope that either you'll believe he's justifiably angry and accept him ditching it, or that you'll think it will be less unpleasant if you just volunteer to go back to doing it all yourself in order to avoid getting shouted at. What an arsehole.

He sounds like an utter nightmare and him shouting at your for 10 minutes because you put some wee-soaked pyjamas in the wash that you were doing is abusive.

You can't get your head round it because he is being totally unreasonable. Anybody normal would immediately wash clothes that are wet or dirty due to a small child having an accident. You haven't done anything wrong.

If just doing the children's washing is his only contribution when you both work full time, he's taking the absolute piss.

Do you really want to be married to a man like this?

He’s a DARVO guy. What is really happening is that when you put the washing in, it’s a reminder to him that he has failed in his one household job. This makes him cross so he berates you for ‘criticising’ and ‘undermining’ him. If he can get that angry about some pissy pjs then you’re better off without him. He just doesn’t like the idea of a woman telling him what to do and when to do it. Even though you’re not. You’re just hncomplainingly doing a job that needs doing.

leave it then. I mean, you get used to the smell of wee (can't he smell it) and then when the kids have no clean pjs (they can sleep in a tshirt and pants) you can just ... let him get on with it.

If the pissy clothes really smell, put them somewhere else, and tell him you have done it.

Frankly? he is supposed to be doing his share of the housework (not "helping" you) the my job/your job division doesn't work for things that need to be done in a timely manner, so you need to rethink. But you also need to let it collapse and let him solve it. It will only take a week or so.

But. In true mn tradition: he's a twit. You can have a better life (either he properly steps up, or he ships out for example)

He sounds awful but this ridiculous division of laundry is obviously not working. I’ve never heard of such a silly and pointless arrangement.

Oh jesus christ. Tell him to grow the fuck up or fuck off whichever suits him.
Such an immature attitude, if a job wants doing just fucking do it.

He's a prick. He has weaponised his incompetence by taking on one job (washing machine does most of the work anyway) and then not doing it efficiently enough, then behaving like a verbally abusive moron when you do some of the most pressing items.

He's gaslighting you into taking the job bscl, he washes his hands of the whole affair because YOU couldn't let him do it (it'll be your fault in his eyes or at least for his narrrative) and youre back at square one. He needs to do things ad hoc like most women do, you see a task you do a task, none of this my job your job. Its just a way to avoid the actual mental load by saying "his job" is kids clothes. It's like me who do the bins and that's it, don't think of any other chore no matter how visible.

Separately, I'm not sure I could come back from being shouted at for ten mins by my husband, over any matter let alone this one. His laziness needs addressed but so too does his method of communication. What does he want to happen after you've been yelled at that long?? Would he take being shouted at, would he want his kids shouted at for ten mins??

Dear god woman, get out then. What's to feel guilty about. It's doing your kids a massive favour to remove them from an abusive environment where they witness their Dad ranting and raving at their Mum.