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Original poster

Being shouted at over the washing

264 replies

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:43

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

OP posts:
Youtoldmeonce · 20/09/2025 13:12

To solve the smelly PJs etc buy red laundry bags

Being shouted at over the washing
Twistedfirestarters · 20/09/2025 13:11

I reckon he's doing it on purpose. He's weaponising this task. He's making it a source of stress on purpose so you crack and choose the 'he doesn't do it' option. He can then claim that him not doing anything is actually your fault

Doingmybest12 · 20/09/2025 13:07

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 12:17

Under no circumstances would I discuss this with a partner. If he's a reasonably intelligent human being who can hold down a job, then he sure as hell can figure out a laundry system that involves clean clothes being available and pissy smells in the house. It's nothing more than strategic incompetence.

Show quote history

I agree it shouldn't need a conversation but unless op is planning her exit from the relationship or is willing to put up with the chosen hopelessness and leave smelly clothes around the place then how will it move on.

Featherweighted · 20/09/2025 13:07

AgapanthusPink · 20/09/2025 11:49

As a job allocation this makes no sense. Surely you shove all the coloured washing in the washing machine when it needs doing, ditto the whites irrespective of who they belong to?

Sums it up.

BustyLaRoux · 20/09/2025 13:07
  1. shouting at someone for ten mins over some washing is not ok. Your DH sounds like an aggressive bully.
  2. agreeing to take on some household chores is not “helping”. It is his house too. They are his children too. This kind of rhetoric boils my piss!
  3. i would hazard a guess that he sees you doing “his job” as a passive aggressive way of saying he’s not doing it properly so you’ve had to intervene. Men (sorry menfolk, I know you’re not all like this!) extremely sensitive to perceived criticism. My DP is autistic and he would see something like this as a passive aggressive indirect criticism of him and it would make him have a massive emotional reaction.
  4. you on the other hand have done the pissy PJs because it was practical to do so as you were putting on a wash anyway. He doesn’t see it like that. Accusation of “interfering with the the system” most likely means “insinuating I’m useless and not able to do my chores to your satisfaction!”
  5. I think the chores chosen (he washes the kids clothes) was an impractical suggestion. Who separates out washing into who it belongs to?! Surely you put on a load of darks regardless of whose they are. It makes no sense to split one load of washing into two smaller loads just so someone can say they did their job! Not good for environment or your energy bills. And really it’s no extra bother to wash the kids clothes if you were doing the washing anyway. So it’s not really saving you any time! Choose a different job. Like folding the washing. You do all the washing and he hangs it out and folds it and puts it away. Or he does the hoovering, or cleans the bathrooms. A whole job in itself. Otherwise you’re left trying to split one job into two. It’s like saying I’ll hoover my crumbs, but he can hoover up the kids crumbs. You’d spend more time going round the floor trying not to accidentally hoover “his bits” when you’d be better to just hoover the whole room.
  6. he doesn’t sound very nice! Doesn’t do his fair share and then screams at you when you (kindly) do “his job” for him. Is there more going here? Because from what you e described he sounds a bit shit!
Shedmistress · 20/09/2025 13:07

If there are pissy kids clothes still there when you are going to do your wash, he hasn't done the kids washing so it's his fault for not being on top of things.

But honestly, it sounds shit and no kids need to hear this. He is a bully and an abuser.

Ladywindermeresbucket · 20/09/2025 13:06

lessee167 · 20/09/2025 12:19

This! I can’t imagine how separating by person is practical

Show quote history

Agreed,

If the pj's are stinky put them in a plastic bag and put that in the laundry basket.

But I agree with others that your problem isn't really about laundry.

Gamerlady · 20/09/2025 13:03

He sounds a dick shouting, all that over washing . He's the immature one not you! Do yours and the kids washing and let him sort himself out.

YourDandyPlumBeaker · 20/09/2025 13:03

I'd split up with him tbh. You shouldn't have to live your life under that kind of stress.

Purplebunnie · 20/09/2025 12:58

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:53

so his argument is that 'well, if you say i don't do enough around the house - then i'll do the kids washing. that is my job. you don't worry about it anymore'. GREAT. But then if there are smelly kids clothes all over the place, or the kids don't have enough clothese - I will shove a load in. And then he goes mad. I proabbly did say last time he went mad 'ok ok, i won't do it again. i'll leave the whole thing to you'. and then of course i've done it again this mornign and he is shouting saying 'you just lie. you do what the fuck you lke. you're choatic and you just don't do as i say and as we agreed before. if you were a man - people would say you're being unreasonable, unhelpful. but because you're a woman you're going to say i'm the horrible one for shouting' etc etc.

I didn't ignore him in a horrible way. But he's shouting in front of our young child who is watchign telly so i'm trying to ensure it finishes as quickliy as possible and me sticking up for myself will prolong the argument. i just let him rant.

"and he is shouting saying 'you just lie. you do what the fuck you lke. you're choatic and you just don't do as i say "

Sorry you are not doing just as he says. I'd be gone

LEWWW · 20/09/2025 12:57

Ermm what about you tell him his job is all the washing instead of being selective, he’s an arsehole and has used the guise of ‘helping’ to try and one up you, bet you don’t have that many clothes to wash so why can’t he just do all the washing, madness…

allthedragons · 20/09/2025 12:54

The only thing you're unreasonable about here is not following through with last year's 'nearly split'.

Life's too short to be screamed at

💐

MusicalCarbuncle · 20/09/2025 12:52

I also had one like this and he also used to get irrationally angry about the washing machine. So strange. Anyway I left him, and life is much nicer now.

BigBirdOfPrey · 20/09/2025 12:52

He’s got problems

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2025 12:47

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:57

@olderbutwiser indeed we do. indeed we do.

i just wanted to understand if others would find it as frustrating as he clearly does. that if you have a 'my job' in the house - would it make you crazy mad if your other half stepped in occassionally? do others just prefer to have jobs that they do without anyone getting involved

the issue is i am not desparate to do laundry. but i feel like i'm losing my mind to live in a house where i can small pissy clothes and not be allowed to put them in a washing machien. i mean - what the hell?

He sounds like a petulant teenager.

I refuse to argue over housework too. It’s just so boring and mundane. Sometimes DP gets in a tizzy because “someone” (his past self) has moved his towel. I literally say “I’m not arguing about towels.” and refuse to engage.

OrangeSlices998 · 20/09/2025 12:46

YANBU OP. It’s insanity to shout at someone that long because they put something in the wash. As others have said he’s obviously inferred from you washing them that it’s criticism, rather than common sense to wash something that needs washing such as urine soaked PJ’s. If you’d just gone and got half a load to prove a point it still wouldn’t be normal or nice for him to shout but I’d understand the frustration.

I think you’ve got bigger issues here though than who does the washing. Is he a nice man generally? I’m thinking no? Surely you’re a team and work together to get tasks done?

Northquit · 20/09/2025 12:45

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:02

@NomoneyNoprospects i have tried. his attitude is 'i will do it entirely and you laeve it alone or i wont' do it at all'.

Leave him.
This much drama is not healthy over the washing.
Does he vac or dust or clean loos?

Northquit · 20/09/2025 12:45

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:02

@NomoneyNoprospects i have tried. his attitude is 'i will do it entirely and you laeve it alone or i wont' do it at all'.

Leave him.
This much drama is not healthy over the washing.
Does he vac or dust or clean loos?

Starlingsintheloft · 20/09/2025 12:45

Oh op I’m sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like a controlling bully with the laundry and the pineapple. It sounds like he enjoys shouting at you too which is so sad. If you did my laundry I’d be grateful.

AdoraBell · 20/09/2025 12:44

YANBU. Shouting at you is wrong, it’s controlling you. How would he react if you shout back?

MyIvyGrows · 20/09/2025 12:44

I had a similar situation and I’m divorced now, fyi

thepariscrimefiles · 20/09/2025 12:43

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:35

He has "his system" and thats it. He says im chaotic and clearly you do washing by person. And he does kids and his own. And I do my own and sheets and towels. There is no chatting about that. The only other option is I go back to doing it all.

I really do think im married to an arsehole. When he shouts like that I feel such shame and just kind of disbelief that this is happening and im tolerating it. It makes me feel like im going crazy.

He is an arsehole and I think that you should leave him. He is mean and petty and a really really shit husband. I also think that he is probably a terrible father and your children will be learning to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering the sort of rants that you experienced for washing some pyjamas.

Tealpins · 20/09/2025 12:43

Jesus OP. None of this is normal or decent. No proper man and father thinks his contribution to the household is one fucking weird job. No proper man and father would think anything bar 'thanks' for you chucking in pissy PJs. No normal decent man would shout at you for this. No normal man would fucking analyse your pineapple purchases.

In a normal house, my DH does all the washing and most cooking. I do cleaning and some kids ironing. I am pleased if he takes a notion and does hoovering. He's pleased if I take a notion and put a white wash on.

I would leave this fucking mess of a man. Who needs any of this shit? Not you, not your kids. Fuck him and his failure to be a grown adult man.

wantmorenow · 20/09/2025 12:43

Good news OP. You know you're not unreasonable, you know he's useless and a bully and that you want out. Now let the MN hive mind help you figure out your next steps. Imagine another 10 years of this or imagine your own home with your kids which doesn't stink and is a haven and safe place where you don't get shouted at by a crazy man.

ThrivingIn2025ing · 20/09/2025 12:42

Hate to say it but this is what (some) men do. Turn you into a nag. He said he’ll do it but doesn’t. You can’t do it because it’s “his” job so the only option is to nag him.
”X’s pyjamas need washing”
”X only has one clean pair left”
”Are you ok to put that wash on”

and then he’ll sigh and do it eventually. Like he’s a hero.

Doing it for him was always going to get his back up because you’re telling him he isn’t good enough (he isn’t).

I mean it depends OP. Is this the life you want? Too afraid to defend yourself because he is yelling at you in front of the kids? Or a perpetual nag? Made to act grateful when he eventually gets off his arse to do it.