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Original poster

Being shouted at over the washing

264 replies

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:43

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

OP posts:
Falseknock · 20/09/2025 13:48

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:35

He has "his system" and thats it. He says im chaotic and clearly you do washing by person. And he does kids and his own. And I do my own and sheets and towels. There is no chatting about that. The only other option is I go back to doing it all.

I really do think im married to an arsehole. When he shouts like that I feel such shame and just kind of disbelief that this is happening and im tolerating it. It makes me feel like im going crazy.

You deserve better. What he is trying to do is get out of the washing by abusing you first. He is trying to wear you down. He's arguing over nastiness (pissy PJs) he's an unclean man.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 20/09/2025 13:48

OP, apologies if i've missed this but have you pointed out to him that a) the kids have no clean PJs and b) the kitchen smells of piss?

Original poster
Pinktize · 20/09/2025 13:46

Just for the ppl asking about the crazy washing...each kid has a basket in theri room they put their dirty clothes each evening. Most of it all just gets washed together.

Anyway thats the not the point. I just dont want to be talked to like shit and feel like im living in a military Base.

OP posts:
NinaGeiger · 20/09/2025 13:44

I'll be honest - this sounds a bit worrying. You're right to be questioning it

Jaffaisitacakeorbiscuit · 20/09/2025 13:44

Adult conversation would be:

DH just says “thank you”

alternatively

OP says “i don’t like the smelly of pissy pjs in the kitchen. Shall we put them in a lidded bucket/container until you do the kids washing?”

Hotflushesandchilblains · 20/09/2025 13:43

What is stopping you leaving OP? This relationship is dead in the water and your kids are around conflict. I know its hard being on your own, but walking on eggshells is soul destroying.

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 13:40

Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman · 20/09/2025 13:21

Are you OP’s husband?

Show quote history

I was asking myself the same question. @Trendyname are you trying yo be clever and use critical thinking? Please don't you make it sound as if she deserves to be shouted at and treated like a child.

MissyB1 · 20/09/2025 13:39

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 13:35

You WILL inevitably end up leaving him at some point, so my advice is to do it sooner rather than later. The longer you stay with a man like this, the more psychological damage he'll do to you. You're already questioning your sanity over washing and before you know it, you'll be a shell of your former self and a quivering wreck.

Show quote history

This! Don’t live like this, it would be easier on your own with the kids honestly!

Tealpins · 20/09/2025 13:35

user892734543544 · 20/09/2025 13:27

This isn't about washing. You don't like each other. That's the problem.

ARGH. This isn't a post about how to organise washing.

Will the geniuses who know how to separate whites and coloureds please chill?

He quizzes her aggressively about her fruit purchases. He shouts for 10 minutes. (Pop Spotify in and find a few tracks that take you to 10 minutes. It's quite long. )

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 13:35

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:35

He has "his system" and thats it. He says im chaotic and clearly you do washing by person. And he does kids and his own. And I do my own and sheets and towels. There is no chatting about that. The only other option is I go back to doing it all.

I really do think im married to an arsehole. When he shouts like that I feel such shame and just kind of disbelief that this is happening and im tolerating it. It makes me feel like im going crazy.

You WILL inevitably end up leaving him at some point, so my advice is to do it sooner rather than later. The longer you stay with a man like this, the more psychological damage he'll do to you. You're already questioning your sanity over washing and before you know it, you'll be a shell of your former self and a quivering wreck.

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 13:34

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 11:48

He's a control freak.

I do agree with him in that ignoring people completely is a bit immature though.

Are there other issues behind this, as its a lot of anger over a pair of peed pj's?

Edited

I don't agree with him he sounds like a fruit loop. He needs to look into anger management therapy.

nellietheellie75 · 20/09/2025 13:34

You have bigger problems than washing.

Ratafia · 20/09/2025 13:31

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.
H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"
why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point.

@Trendyname, how is that mimicking? That reads like her simply answering his question.

MonochromePig · 20/09/2025 13:31

Your husband is a dick.
You are married and you live together, and he isn’t doing his share but eventually agrees on doing the washing. But not ALL washing? Just the kids? So you still have to do all the work by washing your clothes (& his?). How is that sharing?
And even if he did ALL the washing, he still needs to share more of the household duties.

The shouting about it is obviously unacceptable, but you already know that.

Is this the model you want to set your your children?

Tealpins · 20/09/2025 13:31

Trendyname · 20/09/2025 13:13

I agree but here it seems there’s a lot more to it.

At the surface he shouted at her for 10 minutes but no one gets angry for the other person to do finish their house chore unless there is more to it. If you do my chore, I will be more than happy, I would only get upset if you had been blaming me for not doing mine and then taking over my tasks.

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.

H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"

why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point. She could have told him normally that clothes were smelling and she put them in wash too. Rather than - mimicking.

Then her H says - "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing"

op stays silent - which is stonewalling
H responds in ranting.
It seems like op criticises her husband for not doing enough but also does not like his way of handling his jobs, and then do it herself and don’t even tell him her reasons.

I have only read op, but from if she comes across passive aggressive and condescending towards her H and it seems like he is not emotionally handling it well. It could be that op is frustrated with her H not doing his job right away but the communication style is poor and comes across scoring points not like in a team.

I would have said the same if roles were reversed. It happens a lot in relationship conflicts- one side is critical and stonewalls, other side complains and rants. And things never get resolved because it is a very dysfunctional communication style and only breeds more resentment.

Show quote history

What the fuck is wrong with you?

user1492757084 · 20/09/2025 13:29

DH should not be shouting.
No household task is more precious than the inhabitants.

Can you suggest having a bucket full of water and Napisan in the laundry in which to soak wee pants before he's ready to put them in the washing machine?

Ratafia · 20/09/2025 13:27

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:01

i really am not being critical. i don't think i am. we both work hard during the week and PJs getting left for days is fine. i literally just grabbed some PJs that were shoved next to the machine. i wasn't trying to swoop in or be critical. clearly that is how he's taken it. but does it not feel mad to be putting a wash on and to be able to smell pissy clothes next to me and not just put them in? i know it's not a huge deal but it makes me feel like i'm living in some sort of weird regime.

Surely the answer is that, if he's going to take on the kids' washing, he needs to do it properly? That must mean ensuring there is always a reasonable supply of spares, and smelly stuff isn't left around for too long.

So this entire issue can be resolved by him putting in one or two extra washes per week.

user892734543544 · 20/09/2025 13:27

This isn't about washing. You don't like each other. That's the problem.

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2025 13:25

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:55

he ended saying 'you either leave it alone. or i wont' do the washing anymore. you decide'. he only thinks he's being reasonable. i can't get my head round it.

Why do you divide the washing?

Surely that's wasteful?

And if he treated me like that I wouldn't be doing his or anything else for him

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 20/09/2025 13:24

Leaving is the right thing to do OP, for your kids' sake.
What they are witnessing is damaging them.

SilverCamellia · 20/09/2025 13:23

Does he do their washing, ironing and putting it away or does he just do the washing? I have never heard of splitting washing like that. If he wants to be helpful why doesn't he just do all the washing?

BustyLaRoux · 20/09/2025 13:22

BustyLaRoux · 20/09/2025 13:07

  1. shouting at someone for ten mins over some washing is not ok. Your DH sounds like an aggressive bully.
  2. agreeing to take on some household chores is not “helping”. It is his house too. They are his children too. This kind of rhetoric boils my piss!
  3. i would hazard a guess that he sees you doing “his job” as a passive aggressive way of saying he’s not doing it properly so you’ve had to intervene. Men (sorry menfolk, I know you’re not all like this!) extremely sensitive to perceived criticism. My DP is autistic and he would see something like this as a passive aggressive indirect criticism of him and it would make him have a massive emotional reaction.
  4. you on the other hand have done the pissy PJs because it was practical to do so as you were putting on a wash anyway. He doesn’t see it like that. Accusation of “interfering with the the system” most likely means “insinuating I’m useless and not able to do my chores to your satisfaction!”
  5. I think the chores chosen (he washes the kids clothes) was an impractical suggestion. Who separates out washing into who it belongs to?! Surely you put on a load of darks regardless of whose they are. It makes no sense to split one load of washing into two smaller loads just so someone can say they did their job! Not good for environment or your energy bills. And really it’s no extra bother to wash the kids clothes if you were doing the washing anyway. So it’s not really saving you any time! Choose a different job. Like folding the washing. You do all the washing and he hangs it out and folds it and puts it away. Or he does the hoovering, or cleans the bathrooms. A whole job in itself. Otherwise you’re left trying to split one job into two. It’s like saying I’ll hoover my crumbs, but he can hoover up the kids crumbs. You’d spend more time going round the floor trying not to accidentally hoover “his bits” when you’d be better to just hoover the whole room.
  6. he doesn’t sound very nice! Doesn’t do his fair share and then screams at you when you (kindly) do “his job” for him. Is there more going here? Because from what you e described he sounds a bit shit!

Ah sorry @Pinktize i hadn’t read all your updates. It doesn’t sound like this is a good partnership. I think you should consider whether there is anything left worth salvaging. It isn’t normal to have someone scream at you like that and will be upsetting to your children.
My DP and I have decided to stop living together. It’s saved our relationship but we are older than you and I appreciate our set up is a little unconventional. Also, although he can be an utter asshole, there was enough good left in our relationship to try and do something drastic to see if it would work.
Your description of your DH reminds me a little of my DP. (Though my DP does a good amount of chores! But given the amount of mess he makes, the chore : mess ratio still meant I was having to clean up after him and his children far more than I should have done! And it was something he was aware irritated me, so whenever I cleaned up after him he would fly into a rage and tell me to leave it!!!! Basically it made him feel bad / criticised. Whereas I just wanted not to be living in mess! Yes, I would rather he had got to it before me, but he hadn’t. So I would prefer to clean it myself than have to look at it. He saw that as criticism. I saw it as practical.
I think if you’ve come close to splitting up and this is where you’ve got to now (ten minutes of shouting at you for doing some washing) then perhaps the universe is telling you it can’t be saved, sadly.

Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman · 20/09/2025 13:21

Trendyname · 20/09/2025 13:13

I agree but here it seems there’s a lot more to it.

At the surface he shouted at her for 10 minutes but no one gets angry for the other person to do finish their house chore unless there is more to it. If you do my chore, I will be more than happy, I would only get upset if you had been blaming me for not doing mine and then taking over my tasks.

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.

H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"

why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point. She could have told him normally that clothes were smelling and she put them in wash too. Rather than - mimicking.

Then her H says - "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing"

op stays silent - which is stonewalling
H responds in ranting.
It seems like op criticises her husband for not doing enough but also does not like his way of handling his jobs, and then do it herself and don’t even tell him her reasons.

I have only read op, but from if she comes across passive aggressive and condescending towards her H and it seems like he is not emotionally handling it well. It could be that op is frustrated with her H not doing his job right away but the communication style is poor and comes across scoring points not like in a team.

I would have said the same if roles were reversed. It happens a lot in relationship conflicts- one side is critical and stonewalls, other side complains and rants. And things never get resolved because it is a very dysfunctional communication style and only breeds more resentment.

Show quote history

Are you OP’s husband?

ohfourfoxache · 20/09/2025 13:15

You ARE married to an arsehole

That’s the fundamental problem here

Fix it and LTB

Trendyname · 20/09/2025 13:13

YodasHairyButt · 20/09/2025 11:45

Shouting at someone for 10 minutes is never acceptable.

I agree but here it seems there’s a lot more to it.

At the surface he shouted at her for 10 minutes but no one gets angry for the other person to do finish their house chore unless there is more to it. If you do my chore, I will be more than happy, I would only get upset if you had been blaming me for not doing mine and then taking over my tasks.

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.

H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"

why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point. She could have told him normally that clothes were smelling and she put them in wash too. Rather than - mimicking.

Then her H says - "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing"

op stays silent - which is stonewalling
H responds in ranting.
It seems like op criticises her husband for not doing enough but also does not like his way of handling his jobs, and then do it herself and don’t even tell him her reasons.

I have only read op, but from if she comes across passive aggressive and condescending towards her H and it seems like he is not emotionally handling it well. It could be that op is frustrated with her H not doing his job right away but the communication style is poor and comes across scoring points not like in a team.

I would have said the same if roles were reversed. It happens a lot in relationship conflicts- one side is critical and stonewalls, other side complains and rants. And things never get resolved because it is a very dysfunctional communication style and only breeds more resentment.