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Original poster

Being shouted at over the washing

264 replies

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:43

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 20/09/2025 14:18

Donttellempike · 20/09/2025 14:15

He sounds absolutely horrible. Just like my ex in fact

Show quote history

I think a high percentage of us know this exact kind of man.

Almostthere800 · 20/09/2025 14:17

Take a look at Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube. She focuses on covert narcissism, but within that covers emotional abuse and silent treatment. Might be eye-opening on his behaviour.

usedtobeaylis · 20/09/2025 14:17

He sounds like a fucking arsehole.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 20/09/2025 14:16

His reaction to you washing some pissy PJs is fucking ridiculous, and completely over the top. That is not how we behave when we love and respect someone. He’s controlling, stubborn, and aggressive. What a fucking pig.

Donttellempike · 20/09/2025 14:15

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 14:11

He gets v stressed when he doesnt have control. He doesnt like to go to my parents as he doesnt think they make enough food and he gets v irritated woth me whispering "when is dinner" or "why didny you get me another drink". That kind of thing. He is also highly sensitive. He once bought me a cold coffee and I said it was v sweet and he wouldn't buy me a coffee for 6 months! And would say "ah when I buy you a coffee it's too sweet though" if i pulled him he would say he was joking. But he wouldn't buy one again. Right now he's in a sulk stoll and has been gaming for 5 hours!

He sounds absolutely horrible. Just like my ex in fact

Donttellempike · 20/09/2025 14:15

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 11:48

He's a control freak.

I do agree with him in that ignoring people completely is a bit immature though.

Are there other issues behind this, as its a lot of anger over a pair of peed pj's?

Edited

In this situation it’s a coping strategy

Original poster
Pinktize · 20/09/2025 14:11

He gets v stressed when he doesnt have control. He doesnt like to go to my parents as he doesnt think they make enough food and he gets v irritated woth me whispering "when is dinner" or "why didny you get me another drink". That kind of thing. He is also highly sensitive. He once bought me a cold coffee and I said it was v sweet and he wouldn't buy me a coffee for 6 months! And would say "ah when I buy you a coffee it's too sweet though" if i pulled him he would say he was joking. But he wouldn't buy one again. Right now he's in a sulk stoll and has been gaming for 5 hours!

OP posts:
Thisismetooaswell · 20/09/2025 14:10

Shouting at like you like that is not acceptable. Ever.
Splitting the washing the way you have done is ridiculous

Owly11 · 20/09/2025 14:08

The shouting is not ok. I can’t understand why you want to know if he’s reasonable about his system with the washing - if it’s his job he gets to do it his way and you should respect that. But he should ask you nicely not to do something, not shout at you; and if you want to put something in with your things you should check with him and respect his ‘no’ if that’s the answer. But the marriage sounds awful - you don’t seem to like him and he clearly finds you extremely annoying so it’s probably better to call it a day.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 20/09/2025 14:04

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 13:57

Shouldn't need to. He's a grown man and should take the initiative, not be micromanaged by the op. I could never respect a man who needs coddling around household taks. This infantalising of men really needs to stop.

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I don't disagree with you @Foolsgold74 but some people do just lack the initiative. I was asking out of curiosity.

We dont know OPs DH, we dont know if its weaponised incompetence or if he really is just a dickhead, however from what i've read it doesnt really make a difference. His reaction makes me think he's looking to get out of the relationship

EaglesWings · 20/09/2025 14:03

Why don’t you agree a more practical arrangement, rather than the slightly strange one that you have currently.

  1. He does all washing including yours.
  2. ”Pissy” kids clothes get prioritised and washed immediately (by him) even if it’s not washing day.

Him not washing your clothes, is strange to me. I’m sure you don’t cook and clean for just you and the kids?

Featherweighted · 20/09/2025 14:02

I’m still confused about the sharing out of household tasks. He just does the children’s washing (which involves filling and unfilling and machine does the rest) as opposed to what? Do you do everything else? If so, then you doing some of his task, albeit a small amount occasionally, will probably have him worrying that you’ll cotton on to how little he does in the scheme of things.

Pincey77 · 20/09/2025 14:02

Jesus wept just leave him. He sounds like a complete and utter twat.

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 14:00

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 13:57

Shouldn't need to. He's a grown man and should take the initiative, not be micromanaged by the op. I could never respect a man who needs coddling around household taks. This infantalising of men really needs to stop.

Show quote history

I think what has come to light that is his only chore and if she does it again then he will stop doing it. The op is not the one in the wrong here.

wobblycake · 20/09/2025 13:58

All this drama over some pissy rags.
Tbh any pissy clothes needs to go in the wash alone straight away not days later.
Or even washed with other clothes.

Featherweighted · 20/09/2025 13:57

Ratafia · 20/09/2025 13:31

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.
H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"
why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point.

@Trendyname, how is that mimicking? That reads like her simply answering his question.

Or a family who start every sentence with ’Oh’.

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 13:57

HelloCanYouHearMe · 20/09/2025 13:48

OP, apologies if i've missed this but have you pointed out to him that a) the kids have no clean PJs and b) the kitchen smells of piss?

Shouldn't need to. He's a grown man and should take the initiative, not be micromanaged by the op. I could never respect a man who needs coddling around household taks. This infantalising of men really needs to stop.

Almostthere800 · 20/09/2025 13:56

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:20

He is taking it as criticism. I can see that. But the kids don't have any clean PJs and the kitchen smells of piss! I hardly think I've got some crazy high standards. I cpuld have told him to do it sooner and id be a nag. I literally wasnt thinking of anything more than "ah there is room for a couple more bits".

But yes the shouting is the issue. And in front of the kids. He doesnt shout loads. He used to. But less now. But when he does he could not care less if a kid can hear. I hate it!

I dont fancy him at all. Haven't for years. I have all my own income. I just feel so so guilty for leaving. But God mornings like this....I cant believe this is my life sometimes. Being told off and shouted at because I've done the laundry wrong. He gets really wound up if I buy random bits like some pineapple or something wr wouldn't usually have "when are yiu gonna eat that. No really tell me when you have ever or are ever going to eat that"

I just want to scream "just leave me alone"

Please take steps to separate. It's not worth living like that. He sounds so controlling. It's not good for you or the kids. Maybe have some counselling to explore your thoughts around your marriage? In any case, imagine the freedom to put washing on when you want, and buy pineapple when you want...

Gymnopedie · 20/09/2025 13:55

I can't get over the idea that he thought a reasonable response to a request to do more round the house was to announce that he would do the children's washing, and to think that solved the problem and OP would just go away in quiet gratitude.

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 13:54

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 13:46

Just for the ppl asking about the crazy washing...each kid has a basket in theri room they put their dirty clothes each evening. Most of it all just gets washed together.

Anyway thats the not the point. I just dont want to be talked to like shit and feel like im living in a military Base.

Does he wash himself?

diddl · 20/09/2025 13:51

Ratafia · 20/09/2025 13:31

Looking at the way op responded with mocking him, it seems like op has a lot of contempt for her h.
H - "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?"
Op- "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes"
why op mimicked her husband when she responded. Was she trying to prove a point.

@Trendyname, how is that mimicking? That reads like her simply answering his question.

Or just her writing style?

I have contempt for Op's husband from reading this!

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 13:51

Why are some posters making suggestions on how to appease his nastiness I wonder if they know how to live in a house?

YodasHairyButt · 20/09/2025 13:50

You are clearly unhappy. Do you think there’s even the slightest possibility that he might change? I suspect not. Life is far too short to be with someone who makes you all miserable. Be brave xx

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 13:49

HelloCanYouHearMe · 20/09/2025 13:48

OP, apologies if i've missed this but have you pointed out to him that a) the kids have no clean PJs and b) the kitchen smells of piss?

Why should she he's nasty to be arguing over it. I wonder when he washes himself.

Picklelily99 · 20/09/2025 13:49

Can the smelly p.j's go into a bucket of water somewhere until there's enough to do a load? You, sorry HE surely doesn't chuck them, wet, in the washbasket with everything else?