Page 2 | Being shouted at over the washing

Pinktize · 2025-09-20T10:43:28+00:00

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing. But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc. I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 22:43

themerchentofvenus · 20/09/2025 14:25

You wanted him to do more, so he is doing the kids laundry.

So if YOU then do the kids laundry it's implying he is not doing it properly, so although 10 minutes of being yelled at is ridiculous and out of proportion, I think he was right to feel annoyed.

You should have just said "I'm doing my own washing, do you want me to put X's pyjamas in with my stuff?". He can then say yes or no. If he says no, then let him deal with it. If they run out of clothes, again let him deal with it.

It's almost like you're helicopter parenting him. People learn through failure, so if the kids run out of clothes and his "system" has failed, then he will have to adjust his system.

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Have your I read the latest coercive controlling update. Do your I treat your husband like a cunt or is it the other way around. You are trying to relate washing clothes to helicopter parenting with a grown man. He's a nasty stinking don't wash cunt and you're sticking up for him. I wonder what your house is like.

Falseknock · 20/09/2025 22:38

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 14:11

He gets v stressed when he doesnt have control. He doesnt like to go to my parents as he doesnt think they make enough food and he gets v irritated woth me whispering "when is dinner" or "why didny you get me another drink". That kind of thing. He is also highly sensitive. He once bought me a cold coffee and I said it was v sweet and he wouldn't buy me a coffee for 6 months! And would say "ah when I buy you a coffee it's too sweet though" if i pulled him he would say he was joking. But he wouldn't buy one again. Right now he's in a sulk stoll and has been gaming for 5 hours!

It sounds like you are with a waste of space. Don't do nothing more for him or even feed the cunt he can make his own food. Sleep elsewhere he sounds like a drip.

FusionChefGeoff · 20/09/2025 22:31

NomoneyNoprospects · 20/09/2025 11:57

This. So if you need some clothes washed and can only half fill the machine with them, do you run it on half full and ignore a load of other dirty clothes that could also go in? Your water and electricity usage must be enormous. How much time do you waste filtering through the laundry basket picking out your items? This whole setup would drive me nuts.

Sit down and have a chat and find a way to split chores that makes more sense.

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We have different baskets - kids darks, us darks and everyone’s whites. Works for us - 1 basket; 1 wash!

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 21:37

Moonlightbean123 · 20/09/2025 17:41

Ppl like this get mad at what ever you do... if you speak, if you dont speak, they gonna have something vile to say.

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Yes I suppose so.

Usernamenope · 20/09/2025 21:17

OP, you have one life. Do you really want to spend it being treated like dirt?

Also, as you already know, your kids are learning to put up with abusive behaviour because they see you doing it.

Your partner is horrible. You don't owe him anything. Don't discuss it with him. Be like a robot and organise yourself (a solicitoris a good place to start), and then you can either give him an ultimatum to change or you will walk, or just leave.

Best of luck. You deserve better.

JJMama · 20/09/2025 20:57

He sounds unhinged OP. Screaming for 10 minutes?! Does he often do that?

Why is h leaving pissy clothes around? They should go straight into the machine.

Had your child started wetting again because they sense the tension and stress, and are subjected to the screaming?

johnd2 · 20/09/2025 20:41

I know it triggers people on here to say it, but clearly your husband is on the spectrum!
The need for rules, nervous about changes, anxiety about going away, unless there's some other explanation he's likely to be autistic. Not that it makes a difference to you, but that is why.

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/09/2025 20:06

He doesn't want to split up because he's got everything his own way and, unsurprisingly, doesn't want to change the status quo.

Never mind what he wants.
What do YOU want?

The threats and appalling behaviour - which will obviously ramp up should you divorce him - are common threats levelled at women by abusive men.

That's no reason to stay. Divorce is always horrible, but staying in a shite marriage is worse.

Starlingsintheloft · 20/09/2025 19:50

Op, you don’t have to get his permission to split up. You don’t even have to tell him. It’s your decision, not his. I’m not sure how much external help you’ve had so far, but this is a good start: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

thepariscrimefiles · 20/09/2025 19:28

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 17:32

We have already done counselling. Earlier this year. He did counselling becsuse he doesnt want to split up. He is desperate not to split up but he also doesnt seem to like me v much. I have talked to him about splitting it up but he begs me. He says im horrible for even suggesting it. I am acutely aware that its not ok for the kids to observe shouting or feel friction. But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty.

You can't stay in a toxic marriage with an abusive yet needy husband just because he is desperate not to split up. I presume he has an easy life with you as the only household chore he does is the children's washing and he can verbally abuse you by shouting at your for 10 minutes with no negative consequences for him.

He will be utterly dreadful over divorce but that still doesn't mean that you should stay together. Seek advice from DA charities like Women's Aid and Rights of Women about how to leave an abusive partner.

Gymnopedie · 20/09/2025 19:27

Earlier this year. He did counselling becsuse he doesnt want to split up. He is desperate not to split up

He isn't 'sensitive', you are. So he plays you like a fiddle by metaphorically (or literally) turning on the waterworks when he doesn't get everything and have anything the way he exactly wants it.

Of course he doesn't want to split up. He's got a cushy life that he expects you to go on facilitating. He sure as hell doesn't want to have to take any responsibilty for looking after himsef, that's your job.

But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty.

Not Your Problem. He's a grown ass man. Has it occurred to you that they are crocodile tears and unicorn emotions to make sure you get back in your box?

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 20/09/2025 19:09

he 'begs' you not to split up, but keeps acting like this? he's a fool. & the sooner you leave him the better for you (& the children)

i note that in an effort to prove his usefulness, he decided to take on ONE (fairly small) household task, and also decided that this meant just the kids' clothes - he doesn't even wash their bedding, but leaves that to you to do?!

when you live in separate houses he might end up gaining a better idea of the work that's actually involved in looking after the dc!

wrongthinker · 20/09/2025 18:48

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 17:32

We have already done counselling. Earlier this year. He did counselling becsuse he doesnt want to split up. He is desperate not to split up but he also doesnt seem to like me v much. I have talked to him about splitting it up but he begs me. He says im horrible for even suggesting it. I am acutely aware that its not ok for the kids to observe shouting or feel friction. But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty.

So you're going to stay with him forever and subject the children to a childhood of abuse and fear because you're scared of him having a tantrum? Or do you mean that he will become violent?

You just need to be strategic about this and make sure the children are protected from his meltdowns. Ask a family member to look after them for the day and have another family member or friend with you when you tell him. Have your exit strategy worked out. It might be that you need to leave the house temporarily if you think he won't leave, so get your and the kid's stuff out first before you tell him. Or pack a bag for him so he can leave right away.

You may need to involve Women's Aid and the police in order to get away from him safely.

Nevereatcardboard · 20/09/2025 18:12

The being so upset that you feel you can’t leave him is manipulation. Does he shout and rant at his boss or anyone else apart from you? If not, he is doing it deliberately.

It doesn’t matter how upset he will be, as he’s going to be horrible whether you live with him or not. He won’t change, but at least you’d be free of his nastiness towards you if you left him.

diddl · 20/09/2025 18:11

He says he doesn't want to split but doesn't seem to be doing anything to try to stop it.

Actually no, he's reacting badly to try to force (scare?) you into staying.

SummerFrog25 · 20/09/2025 18:08

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 17:32

We have already done counselling. Earlier this year. He did counselling becsuse he doesnt want to split up. He is desperate not to split up but he also doesnt seem to like me v much. I have talked to him about splitting it up but he begs me. He says im horrible for even suggesting it. I am acutely aware that its not ok for the kids to observe shouting or feel friction. But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty.

Yes, I don't imagine it will be 'pretty' but just think, get through that & it's DONE!!

staying is dying by a thousand cuts.

SummerFrog25 · 20/09/2025 18:04

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:20

He is taking it as criticism. I can see that. But the kids don't have any clean PJs and the kitchen smells of piss! I hardly think I've got some crazy high standards. I cpuld have told him to do it sooner and id be a nag. I literally wasnt thinking of anything more than "ah there is room for a couple more bits".

But yes the shouting is the issue. And in front of the kids. He doesnt shout loads. He used to. But less now. But when he does he could not care less if a kid can hear. I hate it!

I dont fancy him at all. Haven't for years. I have all my own income. I just feel so so guilty for leaving. But God mornings like this....I cant believe this is my life sometimes. Being told off and shouted at because I've done the laundry wrong. He gets really wound up if I buy random bits like some pineapple or something wr wouldn't usually have "when are yiu gonna eat that. No really tell me when you have ever or are ever going to eat that"

I just want to scream "just leave me alone"

Why do you feel guilty for leaving?

it's worrying to leave when you know you'll have to leave the kids alone with them, so I get that, but if ANY of the guilt is re him - you're being daft.

He's fucking ridiculous & you don't need this shit in your life! Nor do your kids. I'd personally be getting the kids as close to 100% of the time as possible.

you need to save your MH & sanity & get the fuck away from this utter twat. Whatever you fell in love with us NIT what you have now ir will ever have going forward. Save yourself!

sweetgingercat · 20/09/2025 17:45

...But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty...

OP that makes it more difficult for you, but it shouldn't stop you from doing what you know is right to do. You have to amend your plans accordingly, like plan secretly, find somewhere to live and make your escape with a note telling him why you have left, pinned to the dirty washing basket.

Unthinkablebuttrue · 20/09/2025 17:42

Actually, you don't tell him you're you to Women's Aid...you just quietly go.

Unthinkablebuttrue · 20/09/2025 17:41

To keep you in an unhappy relationship against your will is coercive control. You could try firmly telling him over a number of weeks (e.g on a Saturday, verbally and via message) that you are notifying him that you plan to separate. Tell him you will give him eg 4 weeks to get used to this idea, and after that you will anticipate that you will be sitting down the to make plans for the separation. If he responds with anger or violence, or other emotional forms of abuse, you tell him you will go to Women's Aid. If he just stalemates you in the family home, you notify him you will be going through the legal route via solicitors, if he won't discussed and plan amicably. When the time is right, I reckon these are sensible routes.

Moonlightbean123 · 20/09/2025 17:41

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 16:57

Yes of course he is the issue.

But sometimes going silent enrages people more.

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Ppl like this get mad at what ever you do... if you speak, if you dont speak, they gonna have something vile to say.

Hankunamatata · 20/09/2025 17:36

Why cant he do all laundry and agree that items that have wee on them need to be washed the same day.

Northquit · 20/09/2025 17:35

@Pinktize
So he wants to be able to be a twat rather than you have a nice peaceful life?

Original poster

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 17:32

We have already done counselling. Earlier this year. He did counselling becsuse he doesnt want to split up. He is desperate not to split up but he also doesnt seem to like me v much. I have talked to him about splitting it up but he begs me. He says im horrible for even suggesting it. I am acutely aware that its not ok for the kids to observe shouting or feel friction. But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty.

OP posts:

NImumconfused · 20/09/2025 17:18

You were on the verge of splitting up over housework, he agreed to take on not even the whole of but maybe two thirds of one very simple chore, which he doesn't even do competently, you're presumably still doing all the rest, and he's angry, abusive and sulky.

I can't see any reason you should stay with him. Your kids will be happier if they don't have to live in a home where angry dad shouts for 10 solid minutes about something so trivial.