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Original poster

Being shouted at over the washing

264 replies

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:43

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:20

He is taking it as criticism. I can see that. But the kids don't have any clean PJs and the kitchen smells of piss! I hardly think I've got some crazy high standards. I cpuld have told him to do it sooner and id be a nag. I literally wasnt thinking of anything more than "ah there is room for a couple more bits".

But yes the shouting is the issue. And in front of the kids. He doesnt shout loads. He used to. But less now. But when he does he could not care less if a kid can hear. I hate it!

I dont fancy him at all. Haven't for years. I have all my own income. I just feel so so guilty for leaving. But God mornings like this....I cant believe this is my life sometimes. Being told off and shouted at because I've done the laundry wrong. He gets really wound up if I buy random bits like some pineapple or something wr wouldn't usually have "when are yiu gonna eat that. No really tell me when you have ever or are ever going to eat that"

I just want to scream "just leave me alone"

OP posts:
lessee167 · 20/09/2025 12:19

AgapanthusPink · 20/09/2025 11:49

As a job allocation this makes no sense. Surely you shove all the coloured washing in the washing machine when it needs doing, ditto the whites irrespective of who they belong to?

This! I can’t imagine how separating by person is practical

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 20/09/2025 12:18

He is a bully. Your dc sees you being bullied. They are learning from you it's fine to be bullied. And from their df it's ok to be a fucking bully.
Leave him. Your dc needs you to desperately to become a fully functioning adult.. Or their mh will be shot to pieces..

Lucytheloose · 20/09/2025 12:17

Two possibilities:

he wants you to take back the task so that he does not have to do it

he is utterly ridiculous.

And if that is the only household task he does, you are being shafted. Putting a few washes on is a very small fraction of the household labour, especially in a home that includes children.

Foolsgold74 · 20/09/2025 12:17

Doingmybest12 · 20/09/2025 12:00

He's not really doing the laundry if he can't notice when it needs doing or extra loads need to be done more quickly. He sounds very ridged or contrary. You need to talk about it all again.

Under no circumstances would I discuss this with a partner. If he's a reasonably intelligent human being who can hold down a job, then he sure as hell can figure out a laundry system that involves clean clothes being available and pissy smells in the house. It's nothing more than strategic incompetence.

Topjoe19 · 20/09/2025 12:15

It must be awful to live like that OP. Shouted at for 10 mins over a pair of pjs. Life doesn't need to be like this

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 12:14

Iamthemoom · 20/09/2025 12:13

Why can’t he do all the washing? Take on the households laundry rather than just the kids? It doesn’t seem like he’s helping out much if you’re still doing your own. DH foes all the laundry and he would never leave urgent washing lying about.

The shouting is unacceptable. I wouldn’t tolerate that especially over something so trivial. It sounds like he’s looking for reasons to get angry!

He's definitely looking for reasons.

Do you want to stay with him op?

Iamthemoom · 20/09/2025 12:13

Why can’t he do all the washing? Take on the households laundry rather than just the kids? It doesn’t seem like he’s helping out much if you’re still doing your own. DH foes all the laundry and he would never leave urgent washing lying about.

The shouting is unacceptable. I wouldn’t tolerate that especially over something so trivial. It sounds like he’s looking for reasons to get angry!

Itstheshowgirl · 20/09/2025 12:12

This is abusive OP.

NoelFurlong · 20/09/2025 12:12

Sounds horrible. I can’t imagine my husband shouting at me for anything at all, let alone something so utterly trivial. .

If his job is to do washing, why not just do everyone’s?

TokyoSushi · 20/09/2025 12:11

Just doing the kids washing in itself is odd, surely all washing goes in together?

Shouting like that is never acceptable, I’d take a good look at whether you want to stay in this relationship OP.

Bewareofstepfords · 20/09/2025 12:10

How is doing the kids washing - i.e. just gathering up and shoving it into a machine - a decent share of household effort?
Does he deign to iron any of it?

Tigerthatcametobrunch · 20/09/2025 12:09

You say lack of help around the house, but he's now cherry picking jobs around the kids, whereas you are presumably doing things for him? Why isn't he doing ALL the washing? I assume you are cleaning the house HE lives in, cooking the food HE eats?

He's still got it easy, is doing a bad job at it, and getting angry and defensive about it to boot. What a prick.

KawasakiBabe · 20/09/2025 12:06

It’ll seem such a small issue for you, you’re like me, if it needs doing, just do it, no big deal. But he’ll see it as a criticism, you’re doing it as you think he’s incapable or that he’d do it wrong. I understand what he feels. However, I can’t understand his reaction to it.

My mum had a similar talk with my dad when he retired, he now has certain things that are his to do. He’s comfortable with his assigned tasks, he’s in control and he knows when to do it. If my mum does anything that’s his, he feels she’s criticising him and gets frustrated. She doesn’t see it as an issue. They’re forever clashing heads… what never happens is a full blown melt down by an adult man. That’s unacceptable.

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 12:05

AliasGrape · 20/09/2025 12:03

Oh for fuck’s sake I really do lose my patience with people who read about an angry man shouting at a woman for 10 minutes, in front of their child, because she did some washing of all things, and can find them in them to be all ‘well it was immature of you to ignore him’ or ‘well if you’d agreed he’d do the washing I can see ….’ Blah blah

The bar is literally in hell for these women.

@Pinktize No, of course no normal, non-abusive person would lose their tag like tbis and get this upset because someone put some pissy pyjamas in the wash. You husband isn’t even upset that you’ve put them in the wash - it’s just a stick to beat you with and an excuse to be abusive. He’s accusing you of gaslighting when that’s exactly what he’s doing, making you doubt and question yourself and wonder if he might have a point. Classic DARVO. Couldn’t be clearer. Your poor child having to be witness to that - does he shout and rant and rave a lot? Is it really, truly over just this one thing? Is your child anxious about it hence the wetting?

What do you need to do to get to a place where you can leave this angry, abusive man? How can you be supported in that?

I think there are deeper issues too.

ETA I don't think starting with the washing is the place to address these problems op.

The bigger issue is his anger and desire to control.

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 12:05

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:01

i really am not being critical. i don't think i am. we both work hard during the week and PJs getting left for days is fine. i literally just grabbed some PJs that were shoved next to the machine. i wasn't trying to swoop in or be critical. clearly that is how he's taken it. but does it not feel mad to be putting a wash on and to be able to smell pissy clothes next to me and not just put them in? i know it's not a huge deal but it makes me feel like i'm living in some sort of weird regime.

No its not at all mad to be putting them in sooner. I'd do the same.

But I do think he is TAKING it as criticism, and to some extent it is because you (and I) do think they need washing sooner.

I'm not trying to criticise you in saying that, but just trying to help by explaining how I think he is taking it - and he has some reason to interpret it that way.

I think when he is calm a discussion around the allocation as pp suggested is useful.

Or just close the door on the pissy pants and try to sort the deeper issues, because I think this is a playing out of other issues.

AliasGrape · 20/09/2025 12:03

Oh for fuck’s sake I really do lose my patience with people who read about an angry man shouting at a woman for 10 minutes, in front of their child, because she did some washing of all things, and can find them in them to be all ‘well it was immature of you to ignore him’ or ‘well if you’d agreed he’d do the washing I can see ….’ Blah blah

The bar is literally in hell for these women.

@Pinktize No, of course no normal, non-abusive person would lose their tag like tbis and get this upset because someone put some pissy pyjamas in the wash. You husband isn’t even upset that you’ve put them in the wash - it’s just a stick to beat you with and an excuse to be abusive. He’s accusing you of gaslighting when that’s exactly what he’s doing, making you doubt and question yourself and wonder if he might have a point. Classic DARVO. Couldn’t be clearer. Your poor child having to be witness to that - does he shout and rant and rave a lot? Is it really, truly over just this one thing? Is your child anxious about it hence the wetting?

What do you need to do to get to a place where you can leave this angry, abusive man? How can you be supported in that?

Coconutter24 · 20/09/2025 12:02

surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out.

Did you at least point that out? I understand you not wanting to continue the argument but sitting there ignoring him and not pointing out a valid fact isn’t going to help either. He’s hardly helping around the house by doing the kids washing, you have to do your own so it’s not like he’s taken a job off you. I would love to just do kids washing and DH do hoovering, cleaning, tidying, polishing, bathrooms and all the other house chores. Can you see how the imbalance isn’t fair? Doesn’t sound like laundry is your main issue for him to go off like that

Original poster
Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:02

@NomoneyNoprospects i have tried. his attitude is 'i will do it entirely and you laeve it alone or i wont' do it at all'.

OP posts:
Wemdubz · 20/09/2025 12:01

I don’t think you did anything wrong. If he wasn’t ready to do the wash then he could at least have put the smelly pyjamas to soak. It feels like he’s waiting for you to touch the children’s washing to start a debate about it.

Original poster
Pinktize · 20/09/2025 12:01

i really am not being critical. i don't think i am. we both work hard during the week and PJs getting left for days is fine. i literally just grabbed some PJs that were shoved next to the machine. i wasn't trying to swoop in or be critical. clearly that is how he's taken it. but does it not feel mad to be putting a wash on and to be able to smell pissy clothes next to me and not just put them in? i know it's not a huge deal but it makes me feel like i'm living in some sort of weird regime.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 20/09/2025 12:00

He's not really doing the laundry if he can't notice when it needs doing or extra loads need to be done more quickly. He sounds very ridged or contrary. You need to talk about it all again.

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 11:58

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:55

he ended saying 'you either leave it alone. or i wont' do the washing anymore. you decide'. he only thinks he's being reasonable. i can't get my head round it.

I think he is taking the fact that you are putting the pyjama pants in with your wash as a veiled criticism that he isn't doing the children's washing to your satisfaction.

I would do the same as you and want them washed fast, BUT in all honesty op, it is clear from your post you think he isn't washing them soon enough, so yes, you are critical of his management of it.

I'm not saying you don't have some cause to be, but it tends to help in these arguments to be honest with yourself about what you are conveying.

Original poster
Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:57

@Livelaughlurgy go without clothes? so be it? they need to wear pjs that aren't soaked in piss. not sure that me having high standards....

OP posts:
wantmorenow · 20/09/2025 11:57

Calliopespa · 20/09/2025 11:48

He's a control freak.

I do agree with him in that ignoring people completely is a bit immature though.

Are there other issues behind this, as its a lot of anger over a pair of peed pj's?

Edited

I would say keeping silent in the face of an angry man shouting and berating you for 10 minutes is a very normal response. Part fear, part lack of wanting to escalate and part recognition of the futility and danger of arguing with someone out of control and unreasonable. OP, you did nothing wrong. His response is the worrying one.