Being shouted at over the washing

It's not respectful to twist someones words and put words in their mouth.
First you said I'm uninformed, I pointed out I am informed, now you are acting like I made out to be an expert when I did no such thing.

If you go back and read my posts I made it clear originally that it doesn't make difference to the OP whether he is or not, but it does seem like he is likely to be autistic.

His maladaptive coping mechanisms are not her concern or job to accept, but sometimes it can help to know more about what's going on for someone.

With respect, being diagnosed yourself does not make you an expert - it may give some insights, but stating with such certainty that his man is autistic is wrong. And dangerous.

I have worked with a number of women whose abusive husbands claimed to be autistic and used it as an excuse for truly shitty behaviour. It made is much harder on their partners.

Then please quote where I have supported the OPs husband, because in my post it makes it very clear that his 10 minute rant was not acceptable whatsoever.

It's like you're being rude to me for no reason whatsoever hence me questioning if you had actually correctly read what I'd written.

Your marriage is in a bad way, OP. Getting mumsnetters to agree DH is in the wrong won’t help. Counselling or anger management might.

Why does some people love to argue over mess and dirt. Then again the properties that my partner has had to enter over the years and they ask him to take off his shoes, and it's a shit hole, it begs belief. I am not surprised this poster is arguing with me.

Cleanliness matters more. Thanks for pointing out my ND. Are you sure you are not ops husband? The question was asked before and I don't think you answered it.

I'd have shoved them in the washing too, no one wants a house that smells like pee. He so very unreasonable. Do you get along at all?

She should tell him I want a clean man not a dirty man. This is something the op needs to think about although op sounds like a good woman and mother "people judge on the company you keep around you". Ops husband doesn't know how to clean or behave does she want a person like that around her. What does the outside world see when they are together. People don't need to be in your home to know it's a disaster.

Truth hurts doesn't it. You sticking up for a man who treats his wife so poorly says more about you than me. I wonder if either of you knows what soap looks like? Do you have a soft palete?

He shouldn't be shouting at you, no matter what the issue. He's creating a climate of fear and that's the mark of a controlling man. He's trying to control you through fear.

However, I would put the pissy pyjamas in a bucket of soapy water and leave them to him.

.

I assume he does the whole of the laundry cycle for him and the kids (so washing, drying, putting away) rather than just putting it in the machine? I can see that makes sense as a way to separate it out, but not to scream at you for including a few smelly pjs in your wash. Your sense of self-respect, boundaries and what is normal get eroded over time. Being shouted at for 10 minutes is not something you should be ok with.

It's scary for children to live with an explosive, shouty parent. It's scary for you to live with it, but it really shapes children's responses to things.

Divorce is horrible and it is hard for children to grow up with two homes, particularlybif one of the parents is angry and controlling. But I'm not sure it's worse than all of you living with this forever. You do get through divorce and get to live with some peace and quiet.

I'd suggest going to see a counsellor. Talk through what you want. Talk through the dynamics of your relationship. Work out if you want to try to change those dynamics and if it seems possible. Get your friends and family on board with what you're trying to do because when you are being criticised it helps to have people reminding you of the reality.

He doesn’t get to choose to keep the marriage but also to have piss soaked clothes lying around and the kids have no pjs. Just say I don’t think this is working, I want to live in a house where clothes with wee on them get washed and I don’t get yelled at. I notice he didn’t take on something more accountable like cooking dinner. Divorce him, weather the storm, and live in peace once you’ve got through it.

Your use of foul language speaks volumes.

You are putting him ahead of your children.
They should not be witnessing this.
So damaging for them.

Stop talking to him about it.
Make a decision to divorce and put those poor children first.

If he threatens self harm, ring the police immediately.

I didn't say it was all autistic behaviour I said he is autistic. And having been diagnosed with autism along with half my extended family I would say I'm informed, although I'm happy to agree to disagree with you.
I also said it doesn't make a difference to the OP, (as it sounds like his behaviours are the issue not any potential autism.)
There are a good selection of people, autistic or not, who are arseholes under stress, and autism or not neither are an excuse.
But either way I stand by my point to consider whether he's on the spectrum.

He sounds like a right tosser. I would leave.

Then just leave him. Imagine staying married and living jn retirement with thus,
No joy just verbal abuse! Come on
You jnow what you have to do.
Loads of us are single mums, fuck me it's bliss! Never ever would I go back to the kind of life you have right now.
Get the angry man away from you and his kids who are probably frightens by him.
Hope they don't remain traumatised.
You know what you must do! Take the first step....befree.

How offensive to autistic people to suggest this must be autistic behaviour. Yes there are some similarities - but autistic people are not generally manipulative, having poor theory of mind. And few of the many people I have met who are autistic are cruel.

What 'triggers' people is trotting out autism to excuse poor behaviour. And what is your actual point? Should OP just say 'ok then' and put up with it? I am so sick of these kind of uninformed comments.

If you stay with him you are enabling him to continue. You leaving him will be the best thing to help him change he is too complacent. Save yourself, him and most importantly your children from this chaotic relationship. Do you feel you are both in a codependent relationship?

You need to take back control and leave.

That's what she did do. You can't intelectulise nastiness I wonder if he knows what soap looks like?

You think the op should have left pissy PJs on the floor until he's ready? In my house everyone's washing gets done at the same time or when it needs washing. No one in our house argues over mess or washing. I wonder if he can wash his own skin he must smell rank.

He sounds lovely NOT

Sorry you responded to her post. How can you debate over dirt that's nasty.