For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

Bowling - shuts at 11
McDonald's - shuts at 11
Cinema -shuts at midnight, but usually only 18 flims starting that late.
Mates house doesn't close!

DS1 is 16. I dont see an issue with an 11pm curfew (with negotiations to later for e.g. the film). I can't see most of his mates parents wanting a house full of teens past about 11 either - because someone has to collect or drop them off. Last bus 6pm.

DS is off to a gig next week. He'll be back when he's back. But that's a one off. 11 is pretty normal for general day to day stuff - we haven't hit parties yet.

My curfew at weekends was midnight when I was 17. One saturday I got in at 12.05 because the bus was late. I still got a walopping from my father, The age of consent back then was 21. My father would not have hesitated to lock the door on me.

What was your dd doing as a 16 year old who was out till 1am? They are too young for pubs and clubs at that age. And I wouldn’t want my 16 year old inconveniencing other kids parents by hanging around in their home until that time.

My dd is on my uber account for when needed. It’s quite a good addition, the adding a teen concept they’ve brought out.

But she’s very trustworthy and won’t abuse it.

He'll be 17 this academic year. Why shouldn't he be out late or stay over on a weekend night (last night being Friday)? It's one thing to be firm with reasonable rules but another to be controlling for the sake of it. Plus at 16 there isn't a huge amount you can do to stop them doing what they want to do if they are irritated by your petty rules and determinated to breech them.

My teens have never been out of control. We discuss where they are going and when they will be back, they have never broken that trust. At 16 they need to be on their way to adulthood, they dont just suddenly become responsible at 18, they need to learn that of course.

We have a great relationship and they understand that it is courteous when living in the same household that we dont just go out without saying anything and they always keep in touch when out.

I think an 11 pm curfew on a weekend is ridiculous.

I have dd16 (in yr12 so nearly 17) but even when she was newly 16 she could go out til about 12-1 on a weekend.

Yes it sucks having to wait up til they’re home - or feeling you have to because you’re worried - but you can’t clip your children’s wings just because you might feel worried, or want to relax/ go to bed. It’s so selfish.

Curfew way too early for a 16yo who has left school IMO. I think you need to relax a bit. My rules were that they weren't to be just walking the streets late (we live in a not particularly nice city) but no curfew as such. The DC always tell us where they are going and are on life 360 by choice.

Legally, at 16 he can live at his mates without your permission.

You can’t dictate a curfew to a 16yo.

You need to focus on things like adequate informing you of his whereabouts to ensure you know he is safe.

Your younger children are old enough to know that they aren’t 16 and legally they don’t have the right to decide where to live.

Are you being unreasonable - a bit yes. Curfews for kids whilst they are under your roof is within acceptable bounds of parenting, lots of people will agree. It's not my preferred method of parenting. Why do you think rule following is important - and who is this rule for? Is it because you can't sleep until he's home - if so explain that. If it's because you think kids need rules - you can just do the my house my rules thing but I guess that'll just be a source of dispute. Personally I go for the - act like a responsible adult, let me know where you are going, let me know when you are likely to be back, and contact me if in trouble or something else happens.

Yabu. And I think you need a stronger reason than buses finishing. He can just turn round and” say so what I’ll get an Uber. “
And in less than a year he could be driving so will have even more freedom.

does he have a weekend job that he needs to get up for?

If you are ok with sticking to your rules, then do so.

It will work for some kids, less well for others.

So what happens? They're treated like a child until their 18th birthday because then they're an adult?

I treated the years between 15 and 18 as preparation for adulthood and that included increasingly making and taking responsibility for their own choices.

Mine were never 'out of control'. Not even any 'bother' and I didn't have curfews or rigid rules. I just built a really strong relationship based upon trust and respect so I didn't ever feel the need to.

It worked for us.

I was absolutely rigid with my oldest DS at that age. He rebelled and was late home all
the time because his mates were allowed out later. With DS 2 I took a different tactic and would ask “what time can I expect you in tonight?”. He’d say midnight, I’d say that’s a bit late that mate. He’d think about it and we’d compromise on a time. He was always home by the time we’d agreed. Whether that was because he felt in control or just that he’s a different kid I don’t honestly know but it worked anyhow.

OP, your house, your rules. If you have given a curfew that was ignored, then there have to be consequences, or there’s no point in having one. I’d make it very plain to your son that it’s not OK while he’s living at home to waltz in at midnight, and that had he sent a text to let you know he was safe, you might have been a little more lenient. Have a conversation with him - tell him he can stay out late for special occasions but not just as a matter of course, and that his A level results will determine his next steps in life so obviously you want him to do well, and staying out late every night is hardly conducive to that. I would make it clear to him that once he goes to uni/leaves home, he can do as he pleases, but while he’s under your roof, and not yet an adult, there are limits.

surprised at these replies actually. I don’t think you’re being remotely unreasonable in a 11pm curfew. He is 16!
No wonder teens are out of control! They don’t get to make the rules, they are still children! And they wouldn’t be out at all if they back chatted me or spoke with disrespect.

@Alphane I think the issue is more the lack of respect vs the actual curfew.

I'd sit him down as an "adult" and talk to him. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to behave like one e.g. letting you know when he is coming home. If you asked him to be in by 11pm (a bit early on a weekend for a Y12!!) but he didn't bother letting you know he was coming back later, then that's rude and immature.

I assume he now pays for his own stuff (phone, clothes etc...) and has a job too? Helps out round the house? Or is he one of these kids that wants the independence to do what they like but expects mummy and daddy to pay for everything?!?

You need to sit down with your DH and your son and agree what is acceptable.

When he's 18 you want him to walk away and not come back right?! The only reason a 16 year old should have a curfew at weekends is if he can't come back with respect for sleeping family! Are you really doing this for your child's good or because you can't be bothered to explain to your younger children the really simple fact that they have different rules because they are younger.

At 16 I was in full time work and basically living an entirely independent life. Paid rent, paid my own transport costs and food contributions...a curfew at that age would have been so baffling to me.
That said, he shouldn't be marching in waking up an entire household at 3am. I'd expect him to be quiet and respectful of a home shared with others. I honestly don't see an issue with him staying at a mates over the weekend. Is it having an effect on his school performance?

What might a 16 year old be doing but hang around the streets?

At a mate's house
Cinema
Bowling alley/arcade
McDonalds

An 11pm curfew is hardly going to stop a 16 (and perfectly legal) year old having sex 🤣

My 16 year old can stay out as long as she likes as long as I know where she is and the expected time she’s coming home. If the time changes, I expect a text. So far that’s worked well. I think you’re setting yourself up for problems if you insist on setting strict time limits.

I also think it would be quite hard for him to say he has to go home at 11 if his friends are staying out.

I don't understand the logic of wanting him home early because he has a girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure that when my children were in year 12 they stayed out as long as they wanted at the weekends. They both did well at school and have professional jobs now.

When I was 16 I could come in at any time I liked at the weekend. I didn't have a curfew in the week but would come in early enough anyway because of college. My children didn't have a curfew either, one doesn't go out much but the other used to stay out late. I insisted on a text if he wasn't going to be back by a certain time otherwise I would worry.
I think it's reasonable to have a conversation about week days because he has to get up for school and he might disturb other people.

All of this.