For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

Exactly, he is 16. Legally, he could move out altogether.

I think 10 on a school night and 11 on a weekend us reasonable. He's 16. He's not an adult. I don't think you're being remotely controlling.

From these threads you realise that everyone is different.

I would definitely expect my 16 year old back by 11PM during the weekend and not to go out too much in the week, and definitely back by 10pm if he did. We are very much early bed/early risers.

Teenagers, even 16 year olds, need plenty of sleep as they are still growing (maybe more boys than girls at 16) and less very active and demanding lives. And no one can go straight to sleep when they walk in the door.

I wouldn’t criticise others for having different rules though.

But the idea that it is ridiculous or you won’t be respected is just rubbish. I know plenty of adults in their mid 20s now from strict parents, and they are still very keen to see and spend time with their parents and are generally happy and successful.

A curfew is very rigid and doesn't take account of the event.

If DD16 gets invited to a party until 1am, she comes home at 1am. If there's nothing going on and it's been a busy week she might be in bed by 10pm.

I think an 11pm curfew at the weekend for a 16 year old is embarrassing, and I also think 10 on school nights is too early.

Dd 18 has to be in by midnight because she can't seem to come in without waking the whole house up.
Once she moves out she can do what she likes. But while she lives at home she either learns not to disturb the whole house or be home by midnight.

What a mad reply.

I think in year 12 I would relax a bit at the weekends. 10 pm is fair enough midweek.
The point it more not letting you know because you’re obviously going to worry. I think if you relaxed a bit though he might be more likely to message you saying what time he’s going to be home because he will know you’re not going to kick off?
Also at 16 in year 12 I would relax about the GF too, if they are going to have sex they will do.

I think that there should be consequences for not telling you he was going to be late BUT 11pm is not that late for a 6th former. We have a rule here that applies to everyone including DH and I that we give an indication of where we are going and when we will be back and that we whatsapp the family chat if we are going to overrun. DDs are now in their early 20s and have never had a problem with this. Probably because it isn't a "child only" rule and they have seen it apply to live in nannies and adult house guests as well. The only other rules are that if you use the emergency taxi money in the hall you replace it the following day and that if you want me to ccok you dinner you let me know by 4pm.

I would stick to your consequences for now but indicate that you are open to having a conversation about changing the curfew if he can demonstrate responsibility around it.

To be honest ds doesn’t have any mates whose parents would think it was normal for their kids to be out at that time, or to be hosting other teens at that time. There are boys in his year who roam around all hours of the night but ds has never hung around with them. His friends are from families with similar views and rules as ours.

Seriously, he’s 16 not 6

i have teens and I guarantee you they are all out later than they at weekends.

you will push him away.

It's not about what you worry about being seen as

It's about what your child sees them as. And that they have different parenting ideas than you which means they don't care if your child is around at theirs until 11pm after

Curfew through the week makes sense.
Once our dc's had finished GCSEs, we didn't have a weekend or 'during the holidays' curfew. Neither of them went out of control.
Why do you think a curfew is necessary at weekends? Your dh obviously doesn't agree with you.

Nope, Uber doesn't exist here.
Taxis don't come this far out late evening (like a 45 min walk - were not rural) unless you've picked them up in town.

I guess part of the curfew differences come from availability of activities and transport. So maybe some of us saying 11 is reasonable know it would be hanging round the streets or walking home alone for later events. And, yes, midnight is too late for me when I'm out the house at 6.30 the following morning.

I wouldn’t want my 16y old DS roaming about much past 11pm, but we live in SE London and it’s not that safe. I try not to be out much past 11pm myself! If he had a specific event he wanted to go to that went on past 11pm that would be fine, but I’d probably want to pick him up rather than walking/getting the bus.

“Mate’s parents are cool” must say I’ve never worried about being seen as the “cool” parent. Our rules are stricter than some of ds friends have but I don’t care, they can parent their way and we do what we think is best for our kid.

And the whole "I have younger children"
OK?
Is the oldest constrained to only doing what the youngst can do??

I can't believe the number of people jumping on OP for having a curfew. Yes, maybe he should be able to be to negotiate a later time at weekends but not just disappear giving no indication of where he is or what time he'll be back. Would all these posters really be OK with their 16 year olds staying out all night without warning, without any contact? They wouldn't be worried at all????

I have only 2 daughters (now 19 and nearly 21) but when they were 16 we had reasonable rules but we had rules. They knew I wouldn't be OK with them staying up till all hours on a school night or disappearing overnight. If they were going out they gave me an estimated time when they'd be home and they contacted me if they were delayed because they knew I'd want to know they were safe.

Just because OP's child is a boy not a girl doesn't mean he should just be allowed to do whatever he likes. It sounds like his past behaviour means he can't be trusted to have no rules or to ring mum to update her.

Some parents don't want to do any actual parenting because they're scared of their kids not liking them. I've got a colleague who is a lovely person but let her kids do whatever they liked, with disastrous results - multiple school exclusions, teenage pregnancy, drug-related car accidents, etc. She thought I was too strict with my DDs for having ANY rules, but my DDs are lovely, reasonable well-mannered young adults whereas hers are frankly obnoxious.

Bowling here does not shut until midnight on a weekend
The McDonald's are 24 hour
Cinema shows all kinds of films after 10 so would be finishing at around midnight
Mate's house - they just stay there because that mate's parents are cool and don't try and control a 16 going on 17 year old like they were 12.
Last buses are usually around 11pm. Taxis and Ubers exist

Some parents are happy to have their kid's friends around and don't want to kick them out at 9pm because it's "late" because it's not for them

Blimey. I was living independently at that age.

Some parents don't give a shit if their kids dare to have friends over

My mum was very controlling throughout my child but by 16, including the end part of y11, i was working in a leisure centre until 11pm some nights including week nights and camping at sporting events most weekends in the summer with my DB (2 years older) and friends.

My a levels didn't go so well, so there is clearly a balance to be found, but your 10/11pm curfew is not it.

When I was 16, I was usually working then as a babysitter. I kicked off when my parents tried to impose a curfew on me because my best customers hired me specifically because they could stay out past midnight. I told my parents if my grades slipped, then we can talk about a curfew (their concern was my grades).

The problem with rules that are unfair and/or way off what other families do is that it becomes very difficult to enforce them. My DS knows he has to be home by a set time, and he is, otherwise there are consequences. He also knows the times I give him are reasonable.

11pm for a 16 year old is ridiculous. DS has been going to parties where pick up is 11 since he started in high school and I'm confident by the time he's 16 it will be later.

My advice is to renegotiate these curfews and as part of that, agree he has to stick to them or there are consequences.

Did you and your DH originally both agree to the curfew that was in place for DS(16)? If so, he's being irresponsible in failing to uphold it and to enforce reasonable (and probably previously agreed-upon) consequences for DS's unilaterally breaking it without warning or communication or even explanation. Your comment if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter is very relevant.

It may be absolutely reasonable to relax or even eliminate DS's curfew, but the responsible way to do that is to discuss it among the three of you and decide what has changed and what now makes sense, and then use the new curfew going FORWARD. It would be great if DS could be mature enough to initiate this discussion rather than just breaking curfew, but he's not. That would be a factor for me in deciding whether to relax the curfew or not, but not necessarily a dealbreaker. It would also be great if DH could be mature enough to raise the curfew issue on DS's behalf and convince you that a change is needed; I'm not sure why he (seemingly) can't.

You and DH have to have a united front, even if that means a lot of work between the two of you coming to an agreement you can both stand behind. If you've imposed the curfew over DH's objections, or if DH agreed to it and is now undermining it, there's a bigger problem here.