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AIBU?

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Original poster

For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

241 replies

Alphane · 20/09/2025 11:25

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 21/09/2025 20:11

Thank God my dc went to boarding schools and we didn’t have this trouble in term time. Obviously they came home quite a lot but we had family time. They went to parties in the holidays and stayed over. I collected the following morning. We never ever had them eating late in McDonalds or Nandos. Or messing around in the streets. Others we knew at day schools didn’t have them wandering the streets in y12 either in the week. I’m finding it bizarre parents think it’s ok.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 21/09/2025 20:10

FioFioSILK · 21/09/2025 19:58

It's time he got a Saturday job so he had to be honest a decent hour to get to work. All the rights and no responsibility. We have an entitled generation. I agree with boundaries respect and setting a tone for the younger ones. Think weekend curfew a little early. My 16/17 yr olds were allowed to stay over, get a taxi back with friends in early hours if not interfering with school or work.

There are barely any "Saturday jobs" for 16 year olds around now

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 20:09

Quandri · 21/09/2025 20:02

Especially when they’re almost adults.

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Quite - it's not really surprising so many twenty-somethings seem to struggle when they leave home if they're so tightly curtailed at 16.

PinkyFlamingo · 21/09/2025 20:02

He's 16!! You can get married in Scotland at 16 without your parents permission and you're giving him a curfew at weekends if 11? Good luck with that one

Quandri · 21/09/2025 20:02

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 20:01

Exactly.

Being a parent is not just saying "my house, my rules" - it's also about recognising when your rules aren't working or could be adapted, and having a conversation about it.

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Especially when they’re almost adults.

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 20:01

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 21/09/2025 19:57

Or, as the adults, you say "OK, you don't think the curfew is late enough. Why is that? Let's discuss this..."

Not go throwing your weight around as "I am the adult and you will respect me purely because I am older"

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Exactly.

Being a parent is not just saying "my house, my rules" - it's also about recognising when your rules aren't working or could be adapted, and having a conversation about it.

FioFioSILK · 21/09/2025 19:58

It's time he got a Saturday job so he had to be honest a decent hour to get to work. All the rights and no responsibility. We have an entitled generation. I agree with boundaries respect and setting a tone for the younger ones. Think weekend curfew a little early. My 16/17 yr olds were allowed to stay over, get a taxi back with friends in early hours if not interfering with school or work.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 21/09/2025 19:57

sosorryimnotsorry · 21/09/2025 19:03

Yes it does! It quite literally does. If you don’t agree with it then you sit down and talk to them and find a compromise. You don’t just ignore it.

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Or, as the adults, you say "OK, you don't think the curfew is late enough. Why is that? Let's discuss this..."

Not go throwing your weight around as "I am the adult and you will respect me purely because I am older"

Quandri · 21/09/2025 19:56

When I was 16 I had a job in a takeaway and walked home at 2am at least one if not two nights at the weekend.

I do think 11 at the weekend is very early for a sixth former.

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 19:54

sosorryimnotsorry · 21/09/2025 19:03

Yes it does! It quite literally does. If you don’t agree with it then you sit down and talk to them and find a compromise. You don’t just ignore it.

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Again, way too simplistic.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 21/09/2025 19:53

sosorryimnotsorry · 21/09/2025 19:02

It’s not authoritarian to not want your children running around the streets at night.
And I’m sick to the back teeth of disrespectful kids running around unsupervised and causing mayhem. Only this morning a bunch of kids were running riot in our local coop store. Being downright rude and attempting to shoplift. If you don’t want to parent them then don’t have them!

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There's no suggestion he's "running around the streets"

As above there are plenty of things a 16 year old could be doing which mean he's home later than 11pm

And even if he's "on the streets" he's more likely to be hanging around a park with a bottle of cheap cider or whatever than "running around"

sosorryimnotsorry · 21/09/2025 19:03

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:27

Not obeying curfew doesn't mean you don't respect your parents - that's ridiculously simplistic.

But then black and white thinking seems to be your modus operandi, so I can't be too surprised.

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Yes it does! It quite literally does. If you don’t agree with it then you sit down and talk to them and find a compromise. You don’t just ignore it.

sosorryimnotsorry · 21/09/2025 19:02

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 16:36

I'm so glad my parents didn't have this bizarre, authoritarian view.

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It’s not authoritarian to not want your children running around the streets at night.
And I’m sick to the back teeth of disrespectful kids running around unsupervised and causing mayhem. Only this morning a bunch of kids were running riot in our local coop store. Being downright rude and attempting to shoplift. If you don’t want to parent them then don’t have them!

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:30

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:27

Not obeying curfew doesn't mean you don't respect your parents - that's ridiculously simplistic.

But then black and white thinking seems to be your modus operandi, so I can't be too surprised.

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Ok then. 👍🏼

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:27

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:25

Did you read the post? He was given a curfew is blatantly ignored it. He didn’t respect his parents?

bizarre you can’t read

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Not obeying curfew doesn't mean you don't respect your parents - that's ridiculously simplistic.

But then black and white thinking seems to be your modus operandi, so I can't be too surprised.

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:25

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:23

Of course you've made an assumption.

You've decided that including 16 year olds in discussions about how they live and when they're allowed to come home means they don't respect their parents and don't prioritise their education.

As I said - bizarre 😂

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Did you read the post? He was given a curfew is blatantly ignored it. He didn’t respect his parents?

bizarre you can’t read

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:24

YellowSubmarine994 · 21/09/2025 18:18

Think of it this way. In 18 months ish, he will be old enough to potentially move out, go to uni, be out doing god knows what until god knows what time. Let him do it now as a practice run while you are nearby in case he gets stuck, rather than letting the leash all go at once in a year or two. If he's repeatedly staying out really late on "school nights" to the point where he's missing college regularly etc, or you have reason to believe he is out drig dealing or something then sure I would toughen up. But if he's just playing Xbox at a mates or whatever just loosen the leash, especially on the Fri/Sat nights

Exactly. So many people coddle their teenagers or insist on the whole "my house, my rules" bollocks then wonder why their adults have no concept of self-control when they leave home.

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:23

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:21

No assumptions made. I don’t agree with you, you don’t agree with me. Absolutely fine by me. Have a great evening

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Of course you've made an assumption.

You've decided that including 16 year olds in discussions about how they live and when they're allowed to come home means they don't respect their parents and don't prioritise their education.

As I said - bizarre 😂

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:21

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:19

Do you always make bizarre assumptions out of nothing? 😂

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No assumptions made. I don’t agree with you, you don’t agree with me. Absolutely fine by me. Have a great evening

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:19

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:18

No worries, I’d take that over a modern way of thinking and not knowing where my kid is or what they’re up to. Not prioritising education, no respect for boundaries and a blatant disregard to their parents. I’m cool with my way of thinking 👍🏼

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Do you always make bizarre assumptions out of nothing? 😂

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:18

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:17

What an old-fashioned way of thinking.

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No worries, I’d take that over a modern way of thinking and not knowing where my kid is or what they’re up to. Not prioritising education, no respect for boundaries and a blatant disregard to their parents. I’m cool with my way of thinking 👍🏼

YellowSubmarine994 · 21/09/2025 18:18

Think of it this way. In 18 months ish, he will be old enough to potentially move out, go to uni, be out doing god knows what until god knows what time. Let him do it now as a practice run while you are nearby in case he gets stuck, rather than letting the leash all go at once in a year or two. If he's repeatedly staying out really late on "school nights" to the point where he's missing college regularly etc, or you have reason to believe he is out drig dealing or something then sure I would toughen up. But if he's just playing Xbox at a mates or whatever just loosen the leash, especially on the Fri/Sat nights

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:17

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:15

No, not at 16. If his curfew was 7pm yea I’d say a conversation is needed but 16, absolutely not!

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What an old-fashioned way of thinking.

EG94 · 21/09/2025 18:15

warmapplepies · 21/09/2025 18:13

So a near adult doesn't get any say?

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No, not at 16. If his curfew was 7pm yea I’d say a conversation is needed but 16, absolutely not!

HarlotOTara · 21/09/2025 18:13

When does he do homework?