For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

They will not cope at uni though if they’ve been mollycoddled.

They will be living away from home and need to take responsibility for their own studies and living. Parents need to reduce the reins and let them develop these skills.

They need to do well in their A levels to go to a good uni and then get a well paying job. If you do not “direct” them now in a balanced way, they may suffer much more later on. What is not appropriate is not guiding them at all. Some will self manage very well, others need loads of direction.

He’s not a child though- he’s 16.

Not appropriate at all to give 16 year olds a ‘curfew’.

No wonder young adults lack independence now when they are used to being controlled and infantilised by overbearing parents. 😳

This is totally fine, quite a few of my friends have teenagers that never go out, prising them out of their rooms/off their games is the bigger issue.
But OP's DS is pushing back against the curfew so there needs to be a discussion.
I have a DS who always pushed back and one who (so far) doesn't.
I also know people my own age with strict parents who climbed out bedroom windows when their parents were asleep so they could meet with friends.

You have to parent the children you have. If they push back, you need to enforce a boundary but they should have some say in its setting. If teenagers are unused to managing themselves, they may well come unstuck at 18 when there are no boundaries at all. (although I know plenty of mumsnetters do curfew young adults as well)

I bet if this was posted in an Education thread there would be a different response. Aibu has a different dynamic.

Dd2 is extremely social and popular but doesn’t really go out at all in the week none of them seem to. They do schoolwork in the weekday evenings and go out at the weekends. 11pm would be too earlier a curfew for the weekend.

If you had bothered to read and comprehend my posts I have said exactly that. I have also said that the time for the discussion is BEFORE they decide to ignore the rules.
If they feel it’s too early fine have a discussion about it. But that discussion cannot be had as a response to them ignoring the rules. Or else they will just continue to break the rules and have no regard for the consequences

It wasn't too early for YOU but obviously it's too early for OP's son as he keeps breaking curfew

Being ultra strict on situations which don't require ultra strictness is how you get rebellious kids who act up the moment the reins are loosened and can't cope on their own. Or they channel their trauma into their own parenting and abuse their kids, contributing to the cycle of abuse

Some would say that an 11pm curfew on a weekend for a Sixth Former (this is a 16 year old who will be 17 soon) is the mollycoddling action

Discussing in a mature manner with a 16 year old why they think 11pm is too early, why you think it's the right time, what they are doing, how to be safe and working out rules together doesn't make entitled children. It makes adults who have some self sufficiency and an ability to discuss problems rather than just screaming "it's unfair"

My rule at sixth form was 10/11 through the week and not out every night and weekends were let me know beforehand if you need a lift home from me or if you’re staying out all night let me know that too.

And if you bring a really drunk mate home coz they can’t go home or they’ll get a roasting you’re cleaning the puke.

11pm is too early. That was my curfew 30 years ago and having to walk home alone (and separate from friends who could stay out later) meant I put myself in danger. It is far more practical and sensible to request that he tells you where he is and agrees a time when he’ll be home or when he needs a lift.

My DS has just turned 17 and we are all on FindMy (he was allowed to turn it off when he turned 16 but chose not to), and as long as I know where he is I don’t mind when he comes home within reason. He’s never that late, and he also knows he can message and request a lift and he’ll be picked up straight away.

11pm at 16 is far too early on the weekend? That’s a young adult that’s going to go off the rails the minute they get the chance.

11pm is not too early! It’s far later than I was ever out regularly at 16!
And no kids do need to sometimes do as they are damn well told. They have to learn that sometimes you have to do things to other peoples rules however harsh or unfair they may seem. That’s life! Mollycoddling them and allowing them to make the rules just creates spoilt entitled brats and does them absolutely no good.

Until he's an adult, your rules apply.

I grew up in a different country, and underage children were / are generally not allowed to go out at night unsupervised, especially not on school days.
It would not even come to my mind to let my daughter / son go out at night without me knowing what they are up to (unless there is a special occasion like a friend's birthday dinner on a weekend-night).
And I'm not even a strict mum :)

You are very right to set boundaries!

Any time you start saying "my house, my rules" or "I'm the adult" You're throwing your weight around

If the curfew is hard to keep then there is obviously a problem.

Not letting you know would be because there is the curfew. Trying to say you'll be late would just get being told to come home now. It's not worth it. Already in trouble etc

Whereas having a discussion and saying "11pm seems to be too early so how about we don't have a weekend curfew but you must let us know a rough time you'll be back and if you're going to be late" is much more likely to encourage being told

What is he doing while he's out?
It's a horrible world out there, I think op is right to be concerned .

@TheaBrandt1 Yup! I’m much more relaxed that boarding suited us all. No rows about curfews etc. Overall not needed. Makes no difference if you smugly have them at home - it’s the DC and their respect for you that matters. But not worrying about weekdays had its merits.

Who said anything about throwing your weight around? If the teenager is not happy about the curfew then the time to discuss is BEFORE they go out. Not go out do what the hell they like without keeping in touch and ignoring their curfew. There is no room for discussion after they have proven they cannot be trusted. There would be no negotiation if they were so disrespectful as to a) ignore the agreed time to be home and b) didn’t keep in touch. If there going to be late common courtesy is to let you know as soon as possible. Not doing so just destroys trust.

YANBU at all OP

I have a year 12 with similar curfews. She would also never go out every week day until 10pm, she has too much work. On the weekends, if she goes out with her friends in Central London we do relax it to 12, but they all come home together. All her friends ‘parents are similar - same wavelength here.

Yes because all teens not at boarding school in year 12 are roaming the streets necking vodka and shouting 🙄.

Smugly both ours are / were lovely and by this age were broadly self policing. I would have been really sad not to have them living at home in the 6th form - bad enough they move out for university would hate to bring that forward.

Oh, I wish we still had the laugh reaction.

Mine aren’t “wandering the streets” either they are at parties or friends houses or if 17 plus at pubs and clubs.

Never understood this “curfew” obsession remember my friends parents when we were teens ranting and raving because we were 10 minutes late beyond some random plucked out of the air time deadline. Seemed
they were on a real power trip. So glad
my parents weren’t like that and we arent either. We work with our teens on a case by case basis depending on what they’re doing.