To have had enough of my friend

Stopping being a people pleaser is hard but menopause certainly reduces the number of fucks available to be given!!

Next time she criticises say, You'll have to take me as you find me, if I'm not the friend you need right now then you should find another because I'm unlikely to change.

Let her be however she chooses to be (disappointed, critical, dissatisfied etc), let it wash over you and you continue being awesome (and make only as much effort as you feel the friendship is worth).

Mel Robbins 'Let Them' is basically menopausal 'don't give a fuck' in a shiny wrapper 😆

Oh my God! Are you friends with my former friend?! She behaved exactly like this! Honestly, I felt so much better after I dropped her. It was such a relief. All that stress and tension just gone!

Get rid. I used to have a friend like this years ago and put up with it for years and years. I, like you, am a bit of a people pleaser and struggle doing or saying anything that I think will upset others but I finally had enough and told her that I wished her the best but felt we couldn’t be friends anymore. She was confused and surprised and then quite nasty but I was immediately relieved and haven’t missed her bullshit.

100%this. Waste no more time on this awful woman.

How have you endured this for 30 years?

I avoid these people like the fucking plague.

You see people like this on MN - they pop up on all the ‘my friend doesn’t respond quickly enough to my texts and I’m so desperately hurt and ruminatively rageful’ threads, as well as the ‘AIBU for confronting my selfish friend for dropping out of my hen do when her husband died in a car crash - she’s just a jealous bitch amirite’ threads.

People with these completely unhinged self-centred expectations are often amazingly effective at extracting endless time, energy, attention and consideration from people around them. But it’s never enough, because of the howling void in their soul.

They only ever feel vaguely OK and in control of themselves when they are policing everyone around them and making sure they’re taking up huge amounts of space in everyone’s minds.

The only way to shake them off is to cut contact completely, IME - they are remarkably persistent.

I have/had a friend like this.

She could be funny and interesting, but also very demanding in terms of contact. If I didn’t reply to messages quickly enough she’d get annoyed. I’m talking minutes.

Her usual thing was to send lots of long WhatsApp voice texts, and if I didn’t reply to them quickly she’d delete them all before I’d had a chance to listen to them, which I knew was a sign she was angry with me. She’d ask for relationship advice, then get annoyed if it wasn’t the advice she wanted. Then sometimes she’d go quiet for a few weeks, which I knew was a punishment if I’d not behaved as she wanted me to.

She stopped messaging me about 3 months ago. She’s angry about something but I have literally no idea what it is. This is the longest gap ever, and I’m past caring. She’s the one with the problem, not me. She has very few friends because she dumps anyone who doesn’t dance to her tune.

She sounds awful! But you have also realised that you are a people pleaser. That never works well for you or others. So put the effort into you now learning more about yourself, your own boundaries and how to love and take care of you. Then in future you will get better at realising who you open the door to in life

Have you got other friends? What are they like?

She sounds like a jobsworth. You are worth so much more. Go do your thing and just dump her. I dislike people like that who think they are worthy of a retinue of followers!

You have given this woman a huge amount of power over you. That's a choice you made, and you could choose differently. She sounds abusive, she has routinely made you feel like shit about yourself because it suits her to have you in this position of confusion and believing that you have to "do better" to earn her approval.

Just walk away. It will be easy since she's currently ghosting you - you can just ghost her back and it's all done with.

Then do will be able to do other, more enjoyable things with the time and energy she was taking from you, and work out why you let someone treat you so badly for so long.

Thing is, if you were genuinely falling below acceptable parameters as a friend, wouldn't she have binned you off long ago?!

You know you're better than this. At least, you're realising it now. You deserve nice friends who make you feel better about yourself and life. There you are. Shed the load, either tell her why or don't, but move on without her dragging you down.

She sounds weird AF. Who gives their friend a list of expectations??

She’s not your friend. You deserve better x

Fucking hell she sounds batshit. Tell her to go fuck herself.

I'd ghost her back.

For good!

I had a friend, different but similar to you in that I repeatedly gave them the benefit of the doubt but was made to regularly feel bad. Recently I just thought I really don't like this person why on earth am I putting up with their comments. Have let them go 2 months ago and now see just what a toxic presence they had been in my life. Get rid, no big showdown just let them drift, be busy, block and ignore if they come at you with crap.

What does this friend bring to your life OP? What does she do for you? Do you enjoy spending time with her, talking to her or seeing her?
I imagine the answer is nothing, nothing, nope, nope, nope.
So... Why are you friends with her?
She sounds awful. You will feel much lighter without her in your life.
Friends lift you up, not constantly bring you down!
Choose to be around people who make you feel good.

Tbh I'd be writing her a list of all the ways in which she's been a shit friend to you, and give her a taste of her own medicine before never speaking to her again!

Are you (or have you been) in other abusive relationships OP? Because it might be time for a cull…

Archive your chats and ghost her. Make plans with other friends and give them your time.

no one wants someone like that in their life!

Time to make the change OP.

I'd be inclined to text her "Having considered just how much a true friend you've been over the past 30 years - I wish most sincerely that you would finally fuck right off, forever"

OMG a list of expectations you should meet?! I don’t know anyone who would put up with that. I would cut her out. You deserve better

She doesn't have to be a part of your future just because she's part of your past.

Imagine you met her for the first time today and she did this shit. Would you be interested in being friends with her or would you just move along?

I learnt a long time ago not to be around people that make me anxious or unhappy.
You don't need to be abusive to her, just explain that this friendship isn't working and not to contact you anymore. You will feel a lot better, I promise

Agreed!

And she's actually made it easier for your by ghosting you for not genuflecting enough about her new house.

Sit back, enjoy yourself, do nothing and let her sulk it out and then when she comes back for another go at you ( and she sounds like the type who will! ) tell her that you don't appreciate her behaviour and she can continue ghosting you.