To hate sentimentality about the early years going fast?

No, I have never missed them being little. Yes, they were cute but they are far more interesting now they are growing up (14,11). I found the early years hard, the demands overwhelming at times. Their growing independence and our companionship brings me more joy now than when they were tiny. I look back on those days and would never want to revisit them, and they were both pretty easy imo. We have got through it thus far, produced two well rounded and happy humans that will go on (hopefully) to bring good things to society. Everyone is different, but for me, that's why I had children.

Idk. There are some bits I wish I’d appreciated more and been there for more.

In other ways, I’m so happy to have lovely teens now with interests and personalities of their own.

Completely agree @Yellowhollyhocks instead of community we have people that tell us what is about as sensitive as pull your socks up.

I don’t think it’s new, my nan went quietly depressed during World War Two on her own with her child. Women are starting to evaluate their choices better though because there are open spaces for debating the impacts.

you can see this in the falling birth rates.

I internally eyeroll people who say such things when it is obvious who they are saying this to is struggling and/or just needs to vent. It is not even a necessary to say, simply ask if there is anything you can do and leave it at that.

I do miss the early years with my oldest and with my middle but only because they were way easier than their ages now at 10 and almost 8. They were much more content and less logistics to worry about out. I didn’t know my oldest was autistic and he rarely ever had tantrums/meltdowns as a toddler like he does now or as many sleep issues. I wasn’t on a constant level of alertness, didn’t have to lock windows all year-round or have to have special locks on the door so they can’t try to escape on a whim. I didn’t have to monitor and repeat myself constantly every school morning to get up and out the door with a cling film toddler who is ridiculously clever wanting to be involved.

If the early years had been harder like it had been, I’d feel the opposite because I could not imagine what it is like to have a colicky baby, a baby with allergies, and other factors that can make the early years difficult. DC3 was a cling film baby and cried the house down whenever anyone (including DH) but me held her for the first nine months which would set off DC1’s sensory issues causing meltdowns. They’ve gotten better as they gets older, and more advanced than their siblings at the same age but I’m much looking forward to them sleeping through the night and placing them in nursery for a few days so I can go back to work and have proper, regular breaks where I’m not constantly on alert and taking a fearless toddler off the furniture and kitchen table half the day.

I'm with you op. I sometimes feel like it's a kind of cultural gaslighting going on. The selfless loving mother image is very handy indeed for men (and children seem to like it too). If you complain about hardship, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, you aren't following the self sacrificing script and might be guilted for it, or seen as a monster.

I've been through absolute hell for fifteen years with my two boys as a single mother, but people might feel uncomfortable if I say that and I might be seen as a monster not capable of love, so like many women, silence is often wiser. Except on here.

I'm out of the worst now (and it's still fairly bad) but it often felt like being tortured in an isolated prison camp. You couldn't pay me to go back to it!

The absolute loss of personal freedom, severe existential boredom, loss of a sense of self, housework, endless meals and snacks, school runs, fighting children, child centered activities. I could go on.

I too wonder why we don't talk about the years of domestic overwhelm more because I'm convinced those years are what gave me cPTSD and I don't think this is uncommon.

What kind of species are we as humans? We evolved to alloparent (in groups). Now we are often isolated in our own homes and I think this is where the strain comes from. It's a tricky subject because any complaints can be seen as a lack in you

I do realise not every woman has it this hard and many feel it's the best thing ever. That's great for them, but it's not so pleasant for many.

18 years since my son was that age. Don't feel differently

I've never felt wistful for the toddler years. Even for DS who was a lovely toddler. I'm quite happy he's grown up

I agree op. The early years was a ball ache for me. I loved being a mother more as they were teenagers onwards. They’re young adults now and we have such good times together.

My step mum is sooooo sentimental about the early years, and also primary years, which is where my kids are now. I am infuriated by it. She had one child 50% of the time, a child a decade younger than me. I can remember my step mum being absolutely sick of her life when my step-sister was around 8 and an major, hyper pain-in-the arse. Yet now I have these two kids (8 and 5) she's cloyingly romantic about every detail, every 'special moment', and she goes crazy with the tat buying and activities. She can't understand why I wouldn't want to drive 45 minutes for an hour-long llama walk, for example, on a Saturday after spending all week at work... driving 45 minutes each way to get there... I love my step-mum and I DO appreciate her interest in my kids, but sometimes she has a very selective memory.

Come back in 15 years and tell us if you feel differently.

I don’t like babies, much preferred toddlers and would rather have root canal work than spend time in the company of girls aged 8 to 12.

i loved my own children, obvs.

Yes, at least when my teen is being a bit petulant or entitled, I’ve had more sleep than I had when she was a toddler screaming face down on the floor in the street, supermarket etc!

There's definitely a tendency to romanticise the early years. At one point, we had a threenager and a teenager at once, and when I expressed frustration with my 3 yo parents of teens were always quick to tell me that teens were harder, forgetting that we had one.

Teenage SD is/was a bit moody, sometimes slams a door, rolls her eyes a lot, has wild expectations of the rich and exciting lifestyle she believes will be handed to her, reacts with fury to any suggestion she might participate in cleaning up after herself, and is more interested in her phone that people actually in front of her. All quite frustrating (she also has many excellent qualities but those are the challenging ones).

She does not fling herself down in the aisle of a supermarket and refuse to move, scream for entire car journeys because she didn't get the toy she wanted, pee/poo herself from time to time for no particular reason, claim to be hungry every 30 second all afternoon but then refuse to even taste her dinner, routinely get up demanding breakfast at 4am, refuse to walk but also fight being in a pushchair and end up diving headfirst out of it, or get into a battle of wills about whether a tutu, one sock, and a pyjama top is appropriate to wear to the park in winter. THAT was hard, and I am very, very grateful that we've now passed that stage and have a sassy 5 yo.

I occasionally look at baby photos and feel nostalgic but then I look at pictures of SD at 7/8/9 and remember how actually lovely those years were and all the things we could do together, the full nights of sleep and occasional hours where she occupied herself, and look forward to DD shedding the last of her toddler phase.

My second hardly slept, one particularly bad day saw only 30 minutes in 24 hours. She would do between two and four 20 minute stints of an evening and has never napped during the day in her whole 9 years of life. She also refused bottles and screamed bloody murder if anyone other than me held her and this was all for a good six months. She was five years old before she slept through the night.

Obviously this led to me having quite severe PND and to top of all off my three year old at the time was very ill and going through loads and loads of tests to find out what was wrong with him so it was a very stressful time. I certainly dont look back on those days with any kind of nostalgia.

Definitely, I agree with you. My sons are now 10 and 12 and I love it. They both walk to and from school independently, they can make food for themselves - just a sandwich or something simple, but they don’t need me to do everything little thing for them now. They entertain themselves, being two boys they’re company for each other. They wash the dishes, take out the rubbish, bring in the washing etc. I’m recovering from breast cancer and they are so good and helpful. There’s no way I could have coped with my illness when they were little. I have a good husband and my parents are also here to help. So yes, when they were little it was very stressful, definitely enjoying them at this age now. Plus my 12 year old is nearly 6ft tall! And strong, so he helps my husband with the DIY and heavy lifting.

I hate it too OP. Absolutely hate the newborn stage. There’s not a single aspect to it I enjoy. DD1 just turned 3 and everything is so much easier and nicer… and what have we done? Immediately gone and had another newborn 🫠

Just gotta get through this year and then hopefully things will be better again.

Not factual in the slightest. Just because yours did, doesn’t mean all newborns do.

My first did not nor did my third. The second slept longer but he didn’t just sleep. All three of mine were alert from birth. I’m still waiting for DC3 to sleep through the night, but none of mine did until after they turned 2.

I sometimes miss my children being little. I really enjoyed the baby and toddler stages. I love who they are as adults now though. They are just really great people 😍 A few bumps in the middle but all turned out well in the end!

I found it so tough first time round. I longed and longed for him to be older and less dependant. There's a big age gap between him and younger child. It was tough again but also easier as I knew it would pass and that I'd never have another baby so I sort of mired myself in it. But it was still hard work and I rejoiced when we could stay doing stuff like days out with no one running off and long haul holidays etc.

Even so youngest has just started secondary (and suddenly seems very grown up) and older one us last year of uni and I am having unexpected surges of how cute they were as babies and a bit overwhelmed and enotional that that time is gone forever.

Youngest has been a bit of a weekend sidekick for me the last few years and I've loved us going out and having adventures together. I suggested some things today as H is taking son back to uni but she's already arranged to go cycling with friends. I'm really happy and proud that she has friends and interests outside the home and family, absolutely as it should be, but it seems to have happened all of a sudden and I wasn't quite ready for it!

Neither did mine.

I’m with you, my children are now 15 and 16 years. I would NOT go back, I don’t wish too! I’ve done that and I don’t miss it now! People said it me ALL THE TIME, they were wrong! Of course I remember the good times and look at photos and have happy memories, but, I also remember how hard it all was. I have my independence now, they don’t need me in the same way and I do not wish to go back to the time I had to argue about a bloody cup colour or who gets to sit nearest to me while I’m on the loo! I do not miss it! Someone once told me I would miss the mess and washing 🤣

its a lonely tedious time, I do not look back and miss or wish I could go back!

Yes I do think it’s thoughtless to tell someone that it gets harder and to cherish it, it’s like telling someone who is wound up to ‘relax’.

mine haven't been harder as they’ve gotten older at all and my teen is mostly brilliant.

Someone once really upset me saying something like this. I was having a really rough time with my 18 month old, who had gone down for a nap and my husband had stayed in the house so I could go on a little walk to clear my head. Our neighbours who lived down the road, who had two teenagers, and regularly go on a two hour dog walk without the children, told me that it only gets harder, and that I was really lucky and should cherish this age.

I nearly cried on the way home, They regularly went out for two hour walks and I couldn’t even have a cup of tea, or sit down at that stage with my teething 18 month old.

I wanted to punch them in the face. But instead, I smiled sweetly and walked on. Sometimes I found it a bit gaslighting if you’re having a difficult time and people just basically tell you to shut up and enjoy it. Child currently age 4 and I look back and thing god that was hard!

Cant wait u til he’s at an age when I can leave him in the house and pop to the shops. Or have a conversation that doesn’t end in a tantrum.