To feel so upset and betrayed

I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s illness. Best wishes for his treatment.

I’ve just finished active cancer treatment myself and have had to rely on the support of some friends with lifts to hospital appointments etc. I imagine they would have found it tricky to keep it a total secret as they sometimes had to juggle other commitments to do those things and I really wouldn’t have wanted them to have to make up excuses. Agree with PP that family members may have had an inkling something was wrong. Intent is key here.

I understand your worries re your children so I would make that the focus of any discussion about it.

OP I am sorry to hear about your DH and really hope that the treatment is effective. When my Dh was diagnosed with brain cancer I wrote a general WhatsApp to friends, outlining where Dh was, treatment that he was on (that way I could control the general info going out) - I also in it made it very clear that I would appreciate them not speaking in front of their children as my Dd was friends with them and to be careful around that. This was respected, and I think I had been very clear on how I was managing my own DD and her father's treatment and prognosis. Perhaps something like that? A general WhatsApp to friends (its good to have their support and to be able to let people know where you are ) where you can say something like, "DH has been diagnosed with X, for now this treatment has been done and we are hoping for a positive outcome with no further treatment needed, but will need to wait and see how this goes. We would appreciate that you don't speak about this in front of your children so that it is not passed on to ours as we manage this difficult situation",

I am very sorry you and your husband are going through this difficult time.

A few years ago, my husband had a very serious health issue which we decided to keep from our children in the first instance.

A close mum friend of mine chose to talk about it to another adult friend within hearing of her son, who was a friend of one of my children. I hadn’t said to her that it was a secret, but I had made it very clear that we were not telling the children, so I was very upset that she had been so thoughtless as to discuss it where her kids could hear.

Of course, after her son spilled the beans at school, my son came home asking all sorts of questions for which I wasn’t really prepared. I told my friend it was upsetting for my son for this to have happened and she apologised.

I learnt that it is very difficult keeping secrets from children when it is something so all-consuming for you as parents. People talk, news spreads, and sometimes facts are misrepresented. Kids get nervous if they feel things are going on that they are not being told about.

If you need to have another conversation with your children about what’s going on, you might find it helpful to look at support available from Maggie’s https://www.maggies.org/cancer-support/managing-socially/talking-children/

The charity Young Minds are also excellent.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

I think intent is important here, did they tell family to understand lived experience to help support you better or did they tell family to gossip over the dinner table? You are understandably upset and sensitive in ensuring your DC find out in the most gentle way possible and I'm sure you feel like this is one area where you have control with everything else being in the control of your medical team. A conversation is probably needed to understand intent and reiterate again your reasons for wanting to keep this information private and contained. Depending on their intent will likely dictate your reaction to them violating your privacy

*we chose NOT to tell her

When my husband was in the same situation, I had to rely on my daughter’s best friend’s mum to look after her. She definitely spoke to her husband about what was going on, at no point did my 8 year old daughter or her friend get wind of it. We chose to tell her because she was just about to go through a major surgery herself and we needed her to be focussed on that and the extensive rehab it would need. She was just told he had surgery on his bad back (which she knew he had because it was a doctor’s visit for that which led to finding his entirely unrelated cancer, quite by accident). We told her the whole truth years later as he had a second similar cancer when she was 14, she wishes we had told her but understands the particular circumstances of why we didn’t.

Your entire focus right now should be on your husband and his treatment. There is no point catastrophising what might happen or might be needed, worrying about your and your children’s future, all that will do is rob you of today. Being angry at your friends is pointless emotion. At worst they have been thoughtless, but if they are supporting you in every other way, then just forgive them their minor discretion, ask them to make sure their kids don’t know, and move on. It won’t be the end of the world if your kids hear something, have a conversation ready for that eventuality which will basically say, nothing to worry about, we’re waiting for some answers.

I feel that you think there are only two solutions - keep quiet to not rock the apple art/might loose very good friends when you really need them etc… OR let them know you’re hurt theyve talked about it to their own wider family.

I think there is another way.
You step back from telling them more than what you’d be comfortable to tell lesser closed friends/family. So first now, just he had surgery for the cancer. That’s it.
So you’re not telling them you’ve been hurt etc… but you’re acting on it.
Because the bottom line is that telling them won’t change a thing. It migut make you feel a bit better for a while. It might not if you end up grieving fur this long term friendship on the top of it. It won’t change what their dcs have or haven’t heard. Or that they’ve talked to other people.

They might or might not realise you’ve stopped sharing as much and why.
But I’d be weary to add a layer of drama on the top of what you’re currently going through.

Im 🤞🤞 for your dh and he’ll get the results he hopes for.

I understand OP. Have been through similar with my DH this year. He was adamant he did not want to tell our grown up children or any family anything until he was ready and knew what he was dealing with. It was really hard being his only support and he did agree that I could tell 2 of my closest friends as long as they kept it to themselves. They kept me going and I would have been devastated if they had betrayed my confidence.

Wishing you and your husband all the best
I suspect, given the families experience, that the sister and dad may have guessed. It's a very different thing to hold a secret than to outright deny something when people close to you guess the truth.
My DH has cancer, incurable, we didn't tell anyone for weeks but it's amazing how many people can accurately guess what's going on.
I would address it to be sure that the children don't get wind of it, but I wouldn't see it as a betrayal or as gossip if that's not their nature. More likely to be accidental or shrewd guessing.

It might be helpful to think about this in terms of the ring theory of support:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)

The idea is lots of people can be affected be something like a serious illness - you have the person it's happening to at the centre and as the circles get further out, the people are less close to the main person.
The idea is you provide comfort and support inwards and offload and seek support from the people further out than you.
I think it's important to remember that of course what you're going through is much worse but they are still definitely going to be affected by a close friend being ill, providing practical support and the memories of their mum having this illness.
I also think it would be understandable if ruminating on their mistake feels a bit less painful than focusing on the whole awfulness of everything else.

But if you do this, be prepared for them not to help in future.

It's not a betrayal, it's a misstep. In every other significant measure they have stepped up, been practically and emotionally supportive - they sound like wonderful friends.

It would be much easier for them not to say anything if they weren't such close supportive friends. But there they are, on the coalface, helping you both while being reminded of their own mum's death of the same cruel disease. Possibly, as other PP suggested, they are dropping other engagements or opportunities in order to help you.

It's very understandable to want to talk about it with the sister who went through that trauma alongside them.

You needed to share your burden and ask for help. So did they. What matters is that they are there for you.

I do get it - with cancer you feel completely out of control. I certainly did.
One of the few things where you can remain in the driving seat is the flow of information. If you try control that (for whatever reason) and it happens anyway it does feel disproportionately awful.

I wish your husband a full recovery. Best of luck for the road ahead.

I would speak to them and show how upset I was at the thought of my child finding out in such a way. They've behaved really badly but if they've been good friends up until now I'd give them this chance to redeem themselves.

I really hope everything goes well for your husband. He sounds lovely.

You are doing the best you can in a terrible difficult situation, I know from personal experience. Friends are lifeline. Try to take deep breath and not cut them out.

Did Maggies advise you not to tell them truth?

There are huge amounts of evidence to say that being truthful with children is always better than half truths or hiding things. They have to trust that you'll tell them everything - if you hide things, they fill in the gaps themselves or they hear things that confuse them from other people. If they get the message that you're not willing to be open then they may hide their own fears. It is far far better to put the cards on the table. You're not shattering their world, you're giving them information that they have the right to know and then you're supporting them to deal with it. If you say it's cancer but everything is being done to help their dad and they can trust you to deal with it, they will believe you. If you tell them a half story and they find out the truth later on, all they'll think is 'I wonder what else they lied about?'

You are reacting in a hyper sensitive way. Understandably due to high emotional situation.

Words like betrayal are just amplifying this reaction

People are fallible

And if something is secret don't tell anyone, otherwise it's not a secret

That would be what I'd suspect.

"Why are you doing so much for them? Why can't you come on the day out with them - you're prioritising them over us?"

I'd go back and just ask them to make sure that nothing is said in front of the children.

How did you come to find out they had talked to their family?

I would say something so that you aren't holding resentment when you need the emotional bandwidth to be focusing on other things. Can you thank them for everything they have done and say how much you appreciate their friendship and say tou have something you need to getboff your chest then reiterate how important it is to you that you get to control what your kids know and how you feel they have put that at risk by breaking a very clear confidence you had asked them to keep. Express your disappointment and how it's hurt you and then move on. Longstanding deep friendship is too valuable to throw away for this mistake.

I would add that if my adored best friend said her DH had cancer but I could tell no one and her son could find out by accident, the first thing I'd do is give her a kind but direct talking to about how dangerous that is. It's one thing for your mother and father to tell you and support you, it's another for you to stumble across the information in a situation where you feel totally lied to, with the message that it's a topic that must not be discussed.

If you say how you feel, what are you hoping for?

My family had a habit of keeping secrets and acting as though things like illness were shameful. It was a completely toxic way to behave and a big part of why I'm not close to them these days. They directed all their energy into hiding things rather than into actually dealing with the difficult subject. I understand your hurt but it may be worth looking at why you're so invested in hiding this, particularly from your own children. If your son comes to you at a later stage and says 'why didn't you tell me dad had cancer?' what will you tell him? Half truths are so hard for children to handle.

I think you were wrong not to tell your children
They aren't stupid and will have picked up on conversations, atmosphere etc