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Original poster

For expecting/hoping DH to see the doctor about loss of libido?

33 replies

sadeyess · 19/09/2025 23:11

I've changed names for this.

I have a 3 month old baby. DH and I haven’t had sex since January. I’ve told DH how I feel and how it’s affecting me. It’s horrible, I feel like I’m climbing the walls. I’ve been told on another thread that many men don’t find their partners attractive when they’re pregnant and it was probably that. I do all the night stuff with the baby so it’s not like he’s sleep deprived although the baby now sleeps through for 8-9 hours at night anyway. Anyway I asked DH last week again (third time I’ve mentioned it since January) about it and he says he’s got no drive. I said he should see a doctor as I am struggling massively and he said he would. He’s done nothing yet and nothing has happened. Am I unreasonable for expecting him to have looked into something by this point? Bearing in mind how long it’s been? I feel like I’m involuntarily celibate in a marriage to someone who I adore and am very attracted to. If it makes any difference, I’d like to have sex every night/at least 5 times a week but DH has always been more of a once a week level. He just seems to have said he’ll do something to placate me.

OP posts:
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Thevegetarianchef · 20/09/2025 19:34

Do you mind me asking if he wanted the baby ?
Being middle aged can affect sex drive mine had ED at 52 through being unhealthy.

Original poster
sadeyess · 20/09/2025 17:17

@Crushed23good question, I don’t have an answer.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 20/09/2025 17:12

BretonStripe · 20/09/2025 12:40

It was me who said my dh having a vasectomy has affected his libido. Not saying it's a physical thing (tho he says one of his balls has never felt the same...but refuses to seek any medical advice). I'm sure it's psychological, but again, he won't entertain seeing a counsellor or talking about how the vasectomy has made him feel. You can lead a horse to water...

Show quote history

Thanks for the reply BretonStripe (I am in fact wearing a Breton stripe shirt as I type 😃)
There's no physical reason for his testicle to feel any different... they just cut and tie off the vas deferens, which transports sperm to the urethra. Has no link with semen production or anything else, so yes, it's likely psychological. But psychological doesn't mean imaginary either, so if it continues to be a problem, then yes, he should talk to someone about it.
It stops you being able to impregnate, but otherwise doesn't make a vas deferens to performance. (I'll get my coat 😃)

Crushed23 · 20/09/2025 16:19

sadeyess · 20/09/2025 16:07

@Crushed23he’s not a bad husband or father in most respects. I guess I thought that if I did these things, he’d be more attracted to me. I do telll him when he’s upset me or done something not okay about other things not intimacy related. It’s not a case of me being very subservient and quiet.

Why do you think he would be more attracted to a skivvy than a wife who stands her ground and insists on an equal partnership?

Original poster
sadeyess · 20/09/2025 16:07

@Crushed23he’s not a bad husband or father in most respects. I guess I thought that if I did these things, he’d be more attracted to me. I do telll him when he’s upset me or done something not okay about other things not intimacy related. It’s not a case of me being very subservient and quiet.

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Original poster
sadeyess · 20/09/2025 16:03

@Theboymolefoxandhorseyes that’s right, nothing is happening at all. Not sure on the morning front, 99% sure he’s not. We are very fortunate to have no ‘real’ stresses. We have our health and our DC is healthy, we are okay financially, not 6 figures but comfortable enough, manage to save and have one holiday a year usually. Am I willing to walk away? No.

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Crushed23 · 20/09/2025 15:54

sadeyess · 20/09/2025 14:19

@SocksTalkDH gets quite a bit of ‘me’ time. Has a hobby nearly every weekend and sometimes an evening midweek that he never misses that’s about 4-5 hours a time. Plus low expectations on my end for him to do housework, he does some but not a lot. Has, in context, lots of tv time whilst I’m doing practical stuff or engaging with DD. I’m not sure I could do much more. He's not had a disturbed night since DD has been born, I’ve done every feed/night changing etc, even though she’s on formula.

How does martyring yourself and allowing him to be a shit husband and father help matters? You’ve enabled an unequal relationship to his benefit, how is he supposed to have respect for you, let alone want to have sex with you?

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 20/09/2025 14:25

@sadeyess sex is a very important part of a relationship. Everyone has different sex drives and what’s going on in your life can massively affect desire. That being said it sounds like you’ve explained how you feel to your DH and he isn’t motivated to go and seek medical attention even though this is important to you. That’s what would piss me off and also it shows that he doesn’t care about your needs being met. Also big red flag that he seems to unwilling to show any physical intimacy. I presume if he’s not even open to a hug then there’s no non penetrative sexual activity either?

Is he particularly stressed or anything else going on other than the arrival of new baby?

Out of interest do you know if he still gets morning erections or masturbates. If yes then it points to a more psychological cause and he may benefit from psychosexual counselling - would be useful given his age to get blood work for diabetes, thyroid function and hormones checked too. As another pp says, it does sound like you’re very mismatched. I don’t know what else you can do other than bring it up again and explain how unhappy and unsatisfied it’s making you in the marriage but I think only you know if this is something you can live with long term - if he doesn’t make attempts to investigate and improve the situation, ultimately are you willing to walk away?

Original poster
sadeyess · 20/09/2025 14:19

@SocksTalkDH gets quite a bit of ‘me’ time. Has a hobby nearly every weekend and sometimes an evening midweek that he never misses that’s about 4-5 hours a time. Plus low expectations on my end for him to do housework, he does some but not a lot. Has, in context, lots of tv time whilst I’m doing practical stuff or engaging with DD. I’m not sure I could do much more. He's not had a disturbed night since DD has been born, I’ve done every feed/night changing etc, even though she’s on formula.

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SocksTalk · 20/09/2025 13:59

Have you thought about doing a bit more around the house so your husband can get a bit more 'me time '?
Maybe run him a bath in the evening with a glass of wine?

Original poster
sadeyess · 20/09/2025 13:50

@TheGreatWesternShrew@OriginalUsername2I completely agree that it’s not right to pressure someone into sex or do it when you don’t want to. I want him to want to. My upset is due to the fact he doesn’t want to rather than not actually doing it iyswim. Can I go without it? Well I have for 8 months. But I don’t want to for another 8 months. But I don’t want to ever leave DH. Agh.

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Original poster
sadeyess · 20/09/2025 13:47

X Posted with @Huhuhuhu39272re general affection ironically. Dh isn’t cheating though. WFH and we do most other things together. He rarely goes on his phone, will go days without it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadeyess · 20/09/2025 13:45

I think that on balance, there is a distinct lack of any physical affection. If I try and hug him it’s always when he’s in the middle of something or when he’s on the couch my head/hair is always in the way. There’s always a reason for my instigation of general affection to be inconvenient.

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Huhuhuhu39272 · 20/09/2025 13:42

For any woman reading this, I’d like you to know some men do this on purpose. Starts when you get pregnant, not just sex, basic affection is removed. It’s emotionally abusive and its purpose is to devalue.

Once they have you trapped it’s game over, as far as they see it. I was like you, wanted to help him. Whole time he’s just a disloyal pos.

Good luck 🤞

Huhuhuhu39272 · 20/09/2025 13:32

Been there, done that
Never again

Some men become like this. I’d love to save you years of heartache but women seem to need to learn for themselves. Just don’t run around mothering him, honestly they ain’t worth it.

OhFeyreDarling · 20/09/2025 13:28

angelspike2025 · 20/09/2025 13:23

It could well be a drop of testosterone after the baby, it’s pretty well known

Whats his wife having a baby got to do with his testosterone levels?

angelspike2025 · 20/09/2025 13:23

It could well be a drop of testosterone after the baby, it’s pretty well known

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2025 13:00

TheGreatWesternShrew · 19/09/2025 23:39

Sex drives wax and wane. Your need for sex is no more important than his lack of desire to have it. I think higher sex drive people often dismiss how disgusting it is to have sex when you don’t want to. Yes he should look into it - but if it’s just his low sex drive what then? Can’t you go without it?

I think higher sex drive people often dismiss how disgusting it is to have sex when you don’t want to.

This. I’ve been in a place where I didn’t want to have sex - after having babies ironically. I definitely did the deed many times when I didn't want to because of the pressure.

cinquanta · 20/09/2025 12:52

(Unlike what someone put up there somewhere 👆 a vasectomy has absolutely no physical bearing whatsoever on libido)

No direct physical bearing but psychological issues are not unknown.

BretonStripe · 20/09/2025 12:40

InterestedDad37 · 20/09/2025 00:08

(Unlike what someone put up there somewhere 👆 a vasectomy has absolutely no physical bearing whatsoever on libido)

Back to 45 yr old husband - there have been many changes in both your lives, and it's likely he's both emotionally and physically affected. ALSO (and very importantly) any man over 40 will be undergoing hormonal changes, chiefly a decrease in testosterone levels, which absolutely does have an effect on libido.
But yes, he should see the doc for advice, rule out anything else.

It was me who said my dh having a vasectomy has affected his libido. Not saying it's a physical thing (tho he says one of his balls has never felt the same...but refuses to seek any medical advice). I'm sure it's psychological, but again, he won't entertain seeing a counsellor or talking about how the vasectomy has made him feel. You can lead a horse to water...

Crushed23 · 20/09/2025 03:18

You’re completely mismatched sexually. Leaving aside the lack of sex since January / during pregnancy, you want to have sex 5 times a week and he wants to have sex just once a week. Even if you get past this dry patch you’re still going to feel frustrated a lot of the time. Have you thought about having an open marriage?

TheExcitersblowingupmymind · 20/09/2025 00:45

Depression, possible diabetes can have an effect also.

InterestedDad37 · 20/09/2025 00:08

(Unlike what someone put up there somewhere 👆 a vasectomy has absolutely no physical bearing whatsoever on libido)

Back to 45 yr old husband - there have been many changes in both your lives, and it's likely he's both emotionally and physically affected. ALSO (and very importantly) any man over 40 will be undergoing hormonal changes, chiefly a decrease in testosterone levels, which absolutely does have an effect on libido.
But yes, he should see the doc for advice, rule out anything else.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 19/09/2025 23:39

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