To cut off a friend who regularly just stops talking to me?

TBH, I would just message her now saying - "You are doing it again, I had enough of it. Dont bother contacting me".

OP, so she basically feels she can "switch" communication with you on and off for whatever reason - without explaining it. I would suspect she does this because you have forgiven her once, and she feels like you will be there for her no matter what.

To me, it feels very disrespectful - its like she suddenly feels like she had enough of you and cant be asked to talk, and then decides to go back to talking and feels like you dont even deserve an explanation. I would either stop talking to her altogether, or tell her you give her one more chance but will stop talking if she does it again. And follow through.

Grow some self respect, OP. Who cares why she does it? Its rude and should not be tolerated - from anyone.

I think that when I d been waiting a few hours for a response about meeting up today I would phone her and if she didn’t pick up text saying YOURE DOING IT AGAIN! FOR GODS SAKE JUST SAY YES OR NO TO MEETING TODAY AND IF SO AT WHAT TIME. It might shake her out of whatever state she gets into.

Sack her off. It's a completely unacceptable way to behave. The fact she's still on socials and seeing other friends during these periods is awful. She's not your friend OP. Sounds like there might be a creepy control vibe.

This sounds exhausting. If you’re good friends when she’s not doing this, can you just be honest with her?

”[Friend’s name] I know we’ve talked about your radio silence before, but I’m finding it increasingly hurtful that it keeps happening despite us discussing it and you agreeing it won’t happen again. It seems as if you only behave like this with me, and it’s honestly making me not want to maintain the friendship.”

Having had friends ghost me before, I’m a big proponent of telling your friend why the relationship isn’t working, even if it’s just the prelude to not seeing one another anymore. If you have (or once had!) respect for the person, then give them an explanation and the chance to reflect! I’d much rather my ex friends had told me what the problem was in our friendship rather than just vanishing while telling me everything was hunky dory.

I’ve got close friends and we have periods of low contact, no contact or high contact. It’s a mutual thing though and nobody is being stood up or intentionally ignored. We are very close and like sisters, so just pick up from where we where

I gave up on a friend like this. We’d been friends for 10 years. When we spent time together, we had fun, but she would disappear for months then suddenly come back. I think, in retrospect, she had narcissistic tendencies. She’d disappear when she was in a new relationship (got a new supply) but keep me around for the brief period (usually around 2 weeks) before she met someone new. I gave up on her when my Mum was dying and she just wasn’t there for me. I just stopped engaging. Changed my number (not because of her specifically!). I missed her for a while but I realised it’s placing low value on yourself to continue to spend time with someone who doesn’t prioritise you.

So why isn’t she behaving like this with other people? It’s only you, for whatever reason.
I just wouldn’t bother with her. No need for any drama, don’t be there when she finally decides to contact you.

So you had plans and she just literally didn’t show up and hasn’t contacted you since? Given her previous form for this and that you’re the only person she does this to, I’d grasp the nettle and take control back, rather than wait until she decides she wants you in her life again. She sounds downright rude.

Text her “I’m assuming as you didn’t show up last weekend or tell me you weren’t coming that you’re in one your phases of ignoring me again. This isn’t the type of friendship I want in my life so I whilst I wish you well, I won’t be responding if and when you decide to speak to me again”.

These “small towns” I read about on mumsnet sound like my idea of hell on earth. Cant imagine adults having the time or inclination to possibly engage in this kind of nonsense

I’m going through this with a friend right now. The thought of ghosting or blocking him is just too upsetting :(

Oh just the usual sort of thing- we live in a small town and she is slagging me off to all and sundry. Sent me a nasty text saying how disappointed she was in me for not understanding she had MH issue and I was a selfish bitch. Told people I am two faced and have betrayed her. She's meant to be godmother to my older child and she saw us in the street and told him she'd take him to a concert 'without your mother' while not even looking at me in the eye.

She does not like to be thwarted, basically. I grey rock her. But we have a few mutual friends and they shrug it off as they have seen it all before. As one said, it's just my turn to incur her wrath.

Thing is, every time she would fall off the radar and decide to ignore me it would absolutely devastate me and I would turn myself into knots trying to understand what I had 'done wrong'. Now I see her for what she is and I genuinely don't care.

FourSeasonsLobelia

In what way has "the shit hit the fan"? Surely she isn't complaining since its her on/off flakiness and bizarre ranting that's to blame? How on earth does she justify her appalling behaviours?

Good for you for saying Enough. 👏

But chances are she has done it to others in the past

but they’ve haven’t accepted her back time and time again

It’s the fact she only does this with you that stands out. Her explanations are not great either.
I’d step away from this friendship. The dynamics are awful.

Thanks. I talked about the situation often on MN over the years as i had found it so hurtful. It was reading thousands of threads on MN that helped me to stand up for myself.

I would take my time answering her messages, leaving longer periods, see if that galvanises her. If you can be arsed, that is!

This relationship sounds broken. This person is selectively choosing to blank you and not others and continues to post on her SM.

that's no way to treat a friend and you deserve better.

it sounds like they don't care about you and don't value you as a person. The fact you've put up with it for years is telling. Maybe you don't feel you deserve better, but you really do.

time to see it for what it is, a friendship in name only and not worth pursuing,

You are allowed your own boundaries OP. It sounds like you've told her how her behaviour makes you feel and given her a chance to explain, and she’s continuing to do it anyway. I’m all for being mature and trying to talk about things rather than ghosting, but you’ve already tried that, so I’d just phase her out now. Either block altogether, or just reply very sparingly and don’t agree to meet up again.

I do understand when people say their mental health makes if hard for them to reply/meet up, as I’ve been there, but equally these people have to understand that the mental wellbeing of the person they’re ignoring can also be affected by this behaviour, and they have the right to say - I wish you well, but enough is enough.

If she really only does it to you, maybe it's because she doesn't enjoy you company that much and flakes when she gets a better offer. Or just can't always face making the effort. Could account for the vagueness of her explanations? Still rude, of course.

You had actual plans to see her and she just ghosted you and didn't turn up? That's so rude and inconsiderate. That would be the final straw for me and I wouldn't contact her again. If she pops up again, I'd ignore her in the same way that she ignores you.

If she's still talking and seeing other people, it isn't a mental health issue, just a selfishness and lack of manners issue.

You could perhaps forgive this as a once off, but repeatedly NO.
You teach people how to treat you and you have taught her that you'll keep putting up with it.
Time to bin her.

Me too.

It's happened a few times in the past (known her for over 20 years) and in this case she does do it to other people too.

However this time, it's one time too many for me. I'll be polite and friendly if we meet up in a group; but I won't be making any efforts to meet up individually ever.

It is hurtful, especially as she had been a really close friend. But heyho, you cannot control other people - only your reaction to their actions.

Perhaps the friend has done it to others in the past, and when she’s popped up again the ghosted person has said “unless you have damn good reason for ghosting me for the last few months, then I’m afraid I’m done with being friends with you”

i asked whether the op talks to her friend about the radio silence for months and she said she mentions it but doesn’t pursue.

and this has been going on for years.

so fairly reasonable presumption that the friend ignores the op for months, then pops up, the op makes a brief enquiry, the friend dismisses the question…. And they move on. Until… next time. And next time.