Page 6 | Help, I’m pregnant and don’t want to be

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 2025-09-19T05:51:15+00:00

Hi everyone, I’m posting her for traffic as I really need some advice. I am 26. I’m in a low paid job, I live at home and I want to go travelling within the next year (probably around work, with cheaper weekend breaks and longer weekends instead of the full six months off work backpacking). My parents are happy with this arrangement and are actively encouraging it - they want me to see the world before I settle down to a husband and children and a mortgage. I have just got back from a holiday and in all the excitement I didn’t realise I’d missed my period. I checked last night and it’s nearly two weeks late. I took a test this morning and it’s a big old positive. I can’t have a child at the moment. I am not financially, emotionally or physically prepared to have one. But I also can’t reach out to my mum for advice, I have always been a big supporter of women’s right to choose and she has always been pretty clear that she doesn’t agree with abortion. For her or anyone else. I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell my GP? Do I need to tell the dad? He’s a mutual friend and I would be able to reach out, but I kind of worry that he would want to have the baby, which I definitely don’t want to do. I know a lot of people will tell me I’m irresponsible for allowing this to happen, or that I’m selfish for not wanting to continue the pregnancy because I want to travel, but what are the next steps?? Who do I contact?

Ahsheeit · 19/09/2025 08:28

You've not failed and you're not selfish. You're not in a position to give a child the life they deserve, so you've decided not to have a child. That's far from selfish. My daughter is the same age as you, and I'd surround her with love and support in your position.

StewkeyBlue · 19/09/2025 08:28

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 08:24

I don’t think he’d pressure me, but you can obviously never be sure and I don’t want the risk to be honest

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Then that’s fine. You make the decision that is best for you. Your body, your situation. No question. Your choice on every aspect of this, what to do, who to tell, is the only choice that matters.

Sending a hand hold

holrosea · 19/09/2025 08:25

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 07:41

Yes, I understand that I’m a failure.

but circumstances in my personal life have led to me being in this position and all I can do is make the best of it. I headed down a career path that I hated and that ruined my mental health because of serious illness within my family- I felt that if I left then I’d add extra stress at a time that none of us needed it. I left that this year and do have a plan to move up at the organisation I’m working in now - as I said in my main post I plan to travel around work, as opposed to taking a big break from work.

I know I failed in terms of not moving out, but right now I need to take some time to just exist - I spent seven years at university and doing various professional qualifications and I’m burnt out, I want to just experience life for a little bit while working, and I am happy with that plan - as are my parents.

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Hi OP,

I wasn't going to comment because plenty of PP have pointed you in the right direction - BPAS and Marie Stopes.

However, stop being so hard on yourself right now. You are not a failure and I refuse to listen to you speaking about yourself as if you are.

Take a deep breath, and stop beating yourself up. You didn't mean to get pregnant, you were taking the pill, and for whatever reason it failed on this occasion. According to the NHS website, the "typical use" effectiveness for the combined pill is 91% - sometimes accidents happen. You are also seeking advice immediately and making the best decision that you can see for yourself, you're brave and you're doing your best.

You are 26 years old. You are young and curious, of course you want to travel and have some experiences before settling on any particular path. No one had everything locked down at 26 - anyone who tells you they were 100% sure of their path at 26 is lying, many of us are still just winging it and life will throw all sorts of curveballs that mean all of us will have to reassess/change direction at some point.

By the sounds of it, you completed education and tried out a career path that didn't turn out as expected. That is not failure, that is a learning curve. That is the "trial and error" that is going to help you identify what you want and need in your professional and personal life.

Aside from her own personal views on abortion, it sounds like you have supportive parents who absolutely want the best for you. They have seen you through education and the first career path, and are currently supporting you through this stage of saving and exploration. If they knew that you thought you are a "failure", they'd be heartbroken.

Take a deep breath and just remember that you are doing your best, everyone makes mistakes, and nothing that happens now will doom you for all eternity. xxx

Original poster

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 08:24

StewkeyBlue · 19/09/2025 08:20

OP, I’m sorry you’re in this position, but luckily you know your mind, your decision, and can proceed to being ‘not pregnant’ very simply.

It doesn’t have to be a big drama, I have had a termination and felt nothing but relief, same with many people.

You are 26 years old, it is none of your parents’ business. You don’t need them to ‘be there for you’ any more than you do for a dentist appointment. But good you have a friend who will be sympathetic and supportive.

The man? Tricky. Are you in a relationship? I wouldn’t tell him if he is likely to discuss it with others or guilt trip you.

Why do you think he would want you to have the baby? Tbh if you are not in a long standing settled relationship and he is likely to pressurise you on moral and religious grounds I would question his view of women.

Good luck OP, sort this out in the quickest simplest way and enjoy your coming year travelling and sight seeing.

I don’t think he’d pressure me, but you can obviously never be sure and I don’t want the risk to be honest

OP posts:

StewkeyBlue · 19/09/2025 08:20

OP, I’m sorry you’re in this position, but luckily you know your mind, your decision, and can proceed to being ‘not pregnant’ very simply.

It doesn’t have to be a big drama, I have had a termination and felt nothing but relief, same with many people.

You are 26 years old, it is none of your parents’ business. You don’t need them to ‘be there for you’ any more than you do for a dentist appointment. But good you have a friend who will be sympathetic and supportive.

The man? Tricky. Are you in a relationship? I wouldn’t tell him if he is likely to discuss it with others or guilt trip you.

Why do you think he would want you to have the baby? Tbh if you are not in a long standing settled relationship and he is likely to pressurise you on moral and religious grounds I would question his view of women.

Good luck OP, sort this out in the quickest simplest way and enjoy your coming year travelling and sight seeing.

oustedbymymate · 19/09/2025 08:20

Oh my love. You are not selfish. Mistakes happen.

self refer to bpas asap. Having children changes your life like no other and you’ve said you’re not ready which is perfectly acceptable.

please reach out to your friend or someone who can support you. As a mother I would want my daughter to come to me and I hope your mum can see that too.

For the future double up on the contraception.

sending love

Original poster

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 08:17

Smoothandsmooth · 19/09/2025 08:15

Don’t. At this early stage there’s no need. Just do what you need to do, mistakes happen, it’s a learning process, move on.

And ignore the poster kicking you while you’re down. I fully expect my kids to move back after uni, I can’t see how they’ll be able to afford rents etc in our area, not to begin with. I’m here to help them get on their feet, the life available to them is very different to the one that was available when my parents were the same age. And none of us know what life you’ve lived to date. Don’t beat yourself up.

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Thank you.

this is the kicker - I can’t afford rent unless I solely pay rent, bills and transport to work. That’s not a life. I hate the fact that I’ve not moved out yet, but it’s not as though I’m being treated like a kid at home. I work full time, pay for everything myself and pay keep at home. Yes it’s less than I would pay when renting, but that’s how life goes. The housing market is awful.

OP posts:

Pramfaceache · 19/09/2025 08:17

@HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow hello, how are you feeling today?

I just want you to know that this is exactly why we have abortion as an option. It’s a decisive topic but it’s healthcare. If others don’t agree with abortion fine, they can not have one. But most women on here will likely be of the opinion that a termination is much better than continuing a pregnancy you don’t want. Accidents happen. I have also had a termination in my teens and whilst it wasn’t easy by any means, I didn’t have the correct circumstances to bring a baby into the world. And plus the father was a top tier twat. I won’t say I haven’t grieved in my own way, but the freedom of not being tied to being responsible for a life I wasn’t able to really be the best mum for has always helped.
You have dreams, you’re young. Don’t let anything as unnecessary as continuing a pregnancy you don’t want to because of the views of other people cloud your future.
I have 4 children now and my partner isn’t the father of my eldest and if I could give you any advice it’s choose the father of your children carefully. I wouldn’t be telling the man who you’re pregnant with now, don’t be involving him, not his body, not his choice.
Abortions are never a pleasant experience but giving up on plans to see the world and then start a family a more traditional way, would be far worse.
Good luck x

kaysee01 · 19/09/2025 08:16

Try and be kind to yourself OP, you are neither a failure nor selfish.
The worst thing you could do would be have a baby you know now you can't support and are not in an established relationship, it's hard work having a newborn and you need support from a partner (I know people can do it alone but it's tough going).

Mistakes happen, I also took the pill as prescribed with no illnesses or variations and still fell pregnant around the same age, I had a termination and went on to have my teenagers/pre teen 10yrs+ later. It's sad for you to have to go through this, but it's ok and definitely isn't selfish.

You may feel like a failure as you have changed from your original plan but you sound like you have worked hard studying etc and deserve the opportunity to live a little how you want to. Travel whatever way you can, however works for you and get those well deserved experiences under your belt. You have plenty of time for career building, I got made redundant and completely changed my career and retrained for 4yrs at 31!

There is no rule about when you "have" to have left the family home etc. Cherish what sounds like a great family home life, and utilise the opportunities it allows you.

Call your friend, get your hug, although I do hope that despite your Mother's views she would be there for you but only you know how strongly she feels about this and the family dynamics (that sound good tbh).

Best of luck, it will all work out ok, thinking of you x

Smoothandsmooth · 19/09/2025 08:15

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 07:59

I’m torn on telling him. He’s a great guy and not a stranger, but there’s that worry that he’ll want me to have the baby, which I don’t want.

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Don’t. At this early stage there’s no need. Just do what you need to do, mistakes happen, it’s a learning process, move on.

And ignore the poster kicking you while you’re down. I fully expect my kids to move back after uni, I can’t see how they’ll be able to afford rents etc in our area, not to begin with. I’m here to help them get on their feet, the life available to them is very different to the one that was available when my parents were the same age. And none of us know what life you’ve lived to date. Don’t beat yourself up.

Highlighta · 19/09/2025 08:14

SunnySideDeepDown · 19/09/2025 07:36

You’re a grown adult, if you don’t want to or can’t have the baby (I agree, you’re not independent enough to have one at the moment) then abortion is the best option. There’s nothing wrong with abortion so don’t let anyone let you think there is. I would also get on contraception.

On another note, at 26, I think you need to take a step back and think about what you want from life. Travelling is great if you have money or the means to do it, but you’re living with your parents in a low wage job, on the cusp of your 30s. I think you’d be better off earning and saving with the odd weekend away. You mention settling down after travelling but you need to be independent. Thinking about how you’re going to sustain yourself. Waiting for a man to come along and change your life isn’t realistic or healthy. It’s mid-20s when you need to start thinking long term, with maturity, about how you’ll give yourself freedom and the financial means to sustain yourself and potentially a family in the future. It’s time to “grow up” as I would tell my own kids.

Time and place @SunnySideDeepDown

This is not the time for place for future life advice for the OP. Please read the room. She is not in a good place right now, and as helpful as you may think your comments are, they are not timed well.

HannahHamptonsGloves · 19/09/2025 08:07

Francestein · 19/09/2025 07:10

Hi Honey… big hugs. Maybe make an appointment at the local sexual health clinic if you are not comfortable discussing it with your GP. I’m sorry you can’t discuss it with your parents. I would want to be there for my daughters if they went though this. I have been there myself and while it’s not a great experience, I can honestly tell you that it’s not as bad as you may think and the physical and emotional recovery afterwards doesn’t have to be the big drama you see on tv. I don’t regret mine. I have never for one second regretted it. I now have three adult kids and I love them dearly. I have never felt a moment’s guilt for choosing not to carry a baby I wasn’t physically, financially or emotionally prepared for. I hope you have a friend or relative that you trust to support you and respect your decision and privacy. I hope this helps you.

Lovely post ❤️

Myfridgeiscool · 19/09/2025 08:04

Big hand hold here OP. Today might be tough going but you’ll get lots of help once you’ve spoken to BPAS this morning.

Make firm plans to go travelling, it’s amazing seeing the World.

Smoothandsmooth · 19/09/2025 08:02

SunSparkle · 19/09/2025 07:00

Marie stopes or BPAS should be able to get you an appointment to discuss your options depending on your gestation. It’s your body and your choice.

And you can phone them today, without contacting your GP first, if you’d rather not. Don’t beat yourself up.

GreyCarpet · 19/09/2025 08:01

You don't need to tell anyone you don't want to tell.

You don't need to tell him. You're not involving him in the decision and it's a private medical matter at this stage.

I made a similar decision at a slightly younger age. I now have 2 adult children. I have never regretted the decision even fleetingly.

MalinandGo · 19/09/2025 08:01

You’re not a failure, @HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow. There are lots of different paths in life, and a lot of different views of what success is, and you still have a lot of your life ahead of you. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing for you right now. I hope everything goes smoothly with BPAS and you are able to get back to your plans.

WithIcePlease · 19/09/2025 08:00

ShesTheAlbatross · 19/09/2025 07:03

You don’t have to speak to your GP if you don’t want to. You can call either Marie Stopes or BPAS - one of them will cover your area, if you call the wrong one they’ll direct you to the other one. They can also offer counselling if you want it.

My two cents, if you are sure you want an abortion, is that if you aren’t going to tell your parents (which is absolutely your right), ask for a surgical abortion, and have it as early as they’ll do it. I’ve had one at 6 weeks, and physically speaking it was extremely simple. I was in the room for less than 10 mins, actual procedure was less than two mins, and then I had light bleeding for a few days after.

Just to re iterate this

There is no need at all to speak to your GP

For goodness sake don't wait for a GP appt

The waiting from BPAS and Marie Stopes has been long at times so I would contact them today.

oldclock · 19/09/2025 08:00

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 07:59

I’m torn on telling him. He’s a great guy and not a stranger, but there’s that worry that he’ll want me to have the baby, which I don’t want.

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Don't tell him. You've made your decision, you don't need his input. Don't tell your bigoted mother either. Good luck with everything.

Original poster

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 07:59

pambeesleyhalpert · 19/09/2025 07:53

You aren’t selfish. Book a Gp app and they can refer you to the right people. I wouldn’t tell the “father”

I’m torn on telling him. He’s a great guy and not a stranger, but there’s that worry that he’ll want me to have the baby, which I don’t want.

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 07:58

pambeesleyhalpert · 19/09/2025 07:55

You don’t need to justify yourself OP

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I just think a lot of people don’t understand how rough it is to be judged for things like this. Not everyone falls into fancy corporate jobs and not everyone has the smooth path in life, at the end of the day what matters is being healthy and happy and anything else is a bonus

OP posts:

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/09/2025 07:56

There’s no need for your parents of the father to know. Definitely reach out to your friend. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Thousands of women have been in this position. (Probably millions actually). You will get through this.

Bink666 · 19/09/2025 07:56

Sending best wishes x

pambeesleyhalpert · 19/09/2025 07:55

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 07:41

Yes, I understand that I’m a failure.

but circumstances in my personal life have led to me being in this position and all I can do is make the best of it. I headed down a career path that I hated and that ruined my mental health because of serious illness within my family- I felt that if I left then I’d add extra stress at a time that none of us needed it. I left that this year and do have a plan to move up at the organisation I’m working in now - as I said in my main post I plan to travel around work, as opposed to taking a big break from work.

I know I failed in terms of not moving out, but right now I need to take some time to just exist - I spent seven years at university and doing various professional qualifications and I’m burnt out, I want to just experience life for a little bit while working, and I am happy with that plan - as are my parents.

Show quote history

You don’t need to justify yourself OP

pambeesleyhalpert · 19/09/2025 07:53

You aren’t selfish. Book a Gp app and they can refer you to the right people. I wouldn’t tell the “father”

Original poster

HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow · 19/09/2025 07:52

And just to note when I say settling down, I mean coming back, getting really intense with saving etc.

but the reality is that on my wage I won’t be able to afford a mortgage. It is what it is. Owning property isn’t the only thing that matters in life and my parents, brother and I live more like housemates than the parent child relationship at this stage. It works for us and we’re all happy.

I will self refer to BPAS this morning

OP posts: