To consider staying together for the children

I wholeheartedly agree with the no regrets. Would make the same decision every time. I feel that my ds' anxiety is at least in part owing to witnessing his father's bahaviour.

I’ve found this too, it’s massively affected my adult relationships to my detriment and I am absolutely hyper aware of shifts in mood and behaviour around me.

Only you can decide OP. Often people are very quick to tell you to leave. In your situation I’d lay the groundwork now, find a job even if part time. Get some therapy for yourself. Start establishing your independence. Build your social networks. Keep reevaluating but be careful you don’t drift into the teenage years and then you can’t leave and disrupt GCSEs etc. It’s a difficult balance, if you seperate you will lose control over part of their lives but you may find as they are older they prefer to stay closer to you if his moods are that unpleasant. Try not to think too much about the small practicalities like being available for the school run. When I made this decision it felt lose lose and I sat on the fence for years while I quietly built myself up.

I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. When my DC were 15 and 13 and both battling horrific anxiety themselves my oldest had the courage to tell me the impact living with him had on her. His moods, his selfishness, his drinking.

I chucked him out that day.

I work full time now and bought him out of the house. He had no interest in having the DC overnight and so never has.

I will never, ever regret my divorce. The damage being in that situation did to our kids was appalling.

My parents stayed together in an extremely dysfunctional relationship and I remember wishing many times that they would separate. I was in such a hurry to get out of that situation that in my early twenties I walked straight into an emotionally abusive relationship (e.g. 'moods', sulking, silent treatment, aggression towards objects etc, controlling behaviour) and stayed for 20 years before leaving. Apparently we are hard wired to seek out relationships whose dynamics are familiar, even if in a damaging way ( I was always horrified after realizing I had basically married my mother...) It is tough being a single parent, but my children and I deserve more than anything to live in a place of peace and safety. I found individual counselling (with someone with experience in dealing with abusive relationships) invaluable in coming to my decision. One of my major reasons for leaving was that I could see the way the relationship was impacting my small children - walking on eggshells, appeasing exdh's 'moods' etc.

Look, if you know that your DC are growing up learning that relationships are dysfunctional then yes you need to leave.

If he is grumpy and saying to the DC “I’m sorry, it’s no one’s fault it’s just me” then maybe just maybe it’s worth trying to work through.

BTW some of us are lone parents, work full time and make it work so don’t stay for that reason. Many of us do it.

The reality is that children generally have better outcomes with two parents in the home. With the exception of abuse I do think it’s best to try counselling and absolutely everything to be honest before considering separating a family. The grass is not always greener.

It's a question of which damage is worse than the other. What can you live with. It's never fair to stay for the sake of the children. Think about what that means.

The blaming other people for his behaviour is the big issue to me. We can all have moods, especially if we’re stressed. Parenting is stressful, working is stressful, the rising cost of everything is stressful. I think you need to have an open conversation with him about it. If he’s willing to take responsibility for the things he does, even if sometimes he can’t help it, then I think it might be worth trying to make it work. Eg if he says sorry for being a grump, and he knows he’s disorganised but will try to do better, then it’s worth a go. If he persistently refuses to take responsibility and blames other people then that’s just fundamentally not okay and I think I’d be looking to leave.

It's a difficult one OP and only you can decide! All I can say is that my DF was moody and I think spending my childhood accommodating that contributed to some very poor relationship choices later in life. I got there in the end, but treading on eggshells and enduring lengthy periods of dark days made me feel that this was perfectly natural and acceptable at home. I love him and don't blame him, and he mellowed with age, but the damage was done I'm afraid and it took me half a century to reverse it.