To consider staying together for the children

Totally agree with SomanyDandelions

Tell him you can't be dealing with his behaviour anymore, it's affecting you and the kids too negatively. Unless he gets proper help and things change in the next 3 months you're leaving. And mean it. It worked for me (but I was prepared to leave despite the difficulties that would cause). The behaviour has already seriously negatively impacted DC1 unfortunately. Luckily DC2 was little. High dose of meds worked wonders. Your DH may not be on a high enough dose. He should go back to the doc or a psychiatrist if possible

It’s not ethical for a therapist to work with someone who is forced to be there.

it’s also not the therapist’s job to do all the work the client should do and force the change. It needs to come from the client, so I think your advice is terrible actually.

All I can say from personal experience is "Don't do it."

My in-laws "stayed together for the sake of the children". It ruined my DW's childhood and my MIL's life.

You may have better financial security but (looking at my DW's situation) in my view the emotional cost is just not worth it.

Same situation here @DogsRock100 - though a few years down the track. I stayed. I wish I hadn’t. Like you I was worried about not being around to intervene if he erupted when I wasn’t there. And I clung on to the ‘good’ times.

But the truth is it was never really possible to relax, because I couldn’t predict when he would change. And it’s affected the DCs - oldest because she became a target too, when she became a teen, and the youngest because she believed his spin that her sister was being over sensitive.

I can’t do it anymore, even though it’s months since his last outburst. He’s moving out soon.

I suppose what I’m saying OP is that if your DH doesn’t fully accept how he is and what the impact is, then it’s always going to be there. And so you have to make the call based on whether the bad days are acceptable. If not, then you have your answer.

I am not sure you should be hoping a diagnosis of ADHD would assist, it doesn’t sound particularly like he has it it to me just poor coping strategies

OP does he know you're considering leaving him over this? That might really affect his motivation to change. Also you had bad advice from that therapist..there is some evidence that people 'forced' into therapy (eg by the courts) do just as well in terms of outcome as those who choose to work on their issues

The person who said base it on his worse days is so on point, we’re all moody and tired, I personally think men go through the equivalent of menopause but are stubborn and don’t talk about anything and then add to this he’s the single earner in your family which my dh said he started totally feeling, the need to provide, the fact he feels he doesn’t get time during the week with them and he’s exhausted but can’t do anything about it because it’s all on him (I was a sahm now back in work).

But op if he’s a horror movie and the kids see you both miserable you don’t want them growing up with that. Dh and I are close to separating and it really gets me sometimes that they’ll have forgotten what it was like when we both cheered each other on, hugged, made jokes that showed how much we loved each other etc. we only argue when we’re out of the house etc but then they’d see the fallout sometimes too. Also my friend’s parents split when she was an adult and it’s impacted her, she talks about it in her therapy a lot, feels they lied to her, she says it’s impacted her relationships etc. I think you need to think and you both need to properly talk (dh told me he was unhappy years after so he’d already checked out. Now he wants to work on it but the bitterness I have that we were such a couple but he secretly had all these feelings makes it nearly impossible for me)

Do you think he would want to split custody 50-50? Or would he be doing every other weekend? That would obviously make a difference.

It's hard to advise because only you know how bad the reality of living with him actually is. And how you respond to his moods will also be important. Do you flinch away from him, try to placate him, shout? Or do you just get on as normal with a brisk 'I can see you're struggling today. I love you. Let me know when you're feeling better? Your DC will be watching and learning from both of you.

I sometimes think when people 'stay together for the kids' it's not actually for the kids. That's just a socially acceptable reason to stay. They actually stay hecause its easier for them. Easier than selling the house, finding a job, living with less money. So be sure to examine your motivations very carefully.

OP there's another possibility, which is that he is emotionally immature.

My first DH was like this too. It never got any better, partly because relationships get set in stone and he was perfectly comfortable behaving like a twat in ours. Years later, when we were able to be on speaking terms again, he said he grew up more in the year after I left him than he had in the previous 38 years.

Edited to add: He might grow up a bit when looking after the kids, because so much more depends on it -- he can't just leave their emotional welfare to you entirely, or it will affect his life too (poor relationship with them).

Not an easy one. Can you pinpoint what triggers this anxiety, would a change of job for him for example reduce or eliminate this?

I agree about finding yourself a job.

If you are determined to stay and I am not a supporter of wives being the therapist for their damaged husband, maybe this might help with the depression. Amen clinic has scanned over 300,000 brains, they start nutrition before they add in meds for depression https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/8-mood-foods-that-fight-depression/

The whole website is interesting and worth a read if you are rescuing your husband.

But if he is pissed off with work, it stops on your doorstep, he doesn't bring that shit into the house. He is selfish because he doesn't care how his children see him. I wonder if he knows how they would describe him as a Dad which would include grumpy? No, none of us are in a good mood all the time but you can choose how you portray that. We have all slapped a smile on our faces when we feel dreadful because our children need that or work needs that or whatever.

There are certain things I could tolerate for the sake of keeping a family together, but I couldn't tolerate living with a moody fucker. Having a fairly even temperament is up there as a non-negotiable for me.

Can you give your reasons as to why?

Kids pick up on more than you think. My sister and her husband tried to cover it up for years but their kids understood exactly what was going on, and it affected them. Eventually, sis moved out and one child went with her, with the intention other child would stay with her husband. Within 3 weeks, both kids were living with her.

I would. I’d do almost anything to avoid breaking up my children’s family unit.

@DogsRock100based on your latest comment I would say there is hope. He is obviously aware that he has issues to go and seek help and take sertraline but… that normally starts at a very low dose and you titrate.

Respectfully getting him a diagnosis may not solve your problems. He needs to buy into managing his moods and feelings. I really dislike the whole parallel between neuro and difficult men. Is that really the problem? Or is he just a moody twat?

But I also echo growing up with that sort of man. It took me years to not seek out the same thing in order to feel normal and on reflection my mum should have left when we were small. They then divorced after 30 years! I still have issues with making everything nice and walking on egg shells with people and that’s not normal.

Not having money isn’t great granted but no one is stopping you from building a new life and being happy. Start building your happiness for you. Would the threat of this and showing him your moving towards independence be a rocket up his arse?
You only have one life….

OP, my marriage was extended by many wasted years from my ability to relentlessly hope, against all the information which showed me this outcome was very unlikely. To hope he’d change, work on himself, things would be different when this happened or this got easier. I think you have to deal with the reality of the behaviour, not the hope of change. It doesn’t sound like the solution you hope for is realistically on the table but you are the best one to assess that. My experiences may be influencing my view but in the cold reality of hindsight, my stbxh was never capable of the kind of introspection and behaviour change I hoped for.

I think it depends on what you're prepared to put up with. If he's in a bad mood every now and again, I don't think that's necessarily a deal breaker - none of us are cheery 100% of the time and we all have stress to deal with. Work, finances, elderly parents, loss, getting older - all these things are going to have an effect on mood now and again.

If however, his being in a bad mood means the rest of you are tiptoeing around him, walking on eggshells then that is a problem. If he's shouting/name calling/blaming you for his bad mood, that's not something anyone should have to put up with.

OP, two things from your posts.

‘now and again they do notice he’s being really grumpy that day’ and ‘he doesn’t want to be to blame’.

Your children should not be walking on eggshells and living with someone in denial.

At least he needs to get proper help or he has to leave. The children would be better off emotionally if they are poor but comfortable at home than have more money in the household but living with him.

I would be willing to work through relationship problems for the sake of my child but only if that truly worked for me in the long run as well. That would be my version of "staying for the children", not faking being happy.

Great advice!