Wicked step mother

He hasn't had to do chores because he's a boy and often it's seen as 'beneath' men and boys to do domestic chores so they get dumped on the girl children. Seen it and lived it.

He can't manage his son and he's blaming your childhood?!

Odd that you've managed to bring up three well-mannered children and he sired a spoilt brat then isn't it? Maybe his Mummy does everything for him? My replies would probably be asking him whether he's four.

1. Buying the card and present for his Dad — it's what you do for small children.
2. Not wanting to lock or close the toilet door in case you get stuck — behaviour of a four year old.
3. Not being able to do simple chores — again, behaviour of a small child.

Explain that if he continues to act like a small child, you will treat him like one. The malicious side of me is replacing all his underwear with nappies and cutting up his dinner so he doesn't choke and not letting him have a knife with it in case he hurts himself...

Explain to DP that his son isn't 4. You don't do the above and you expect him to be a competent 17 yo.

Why on earth would you move in together? You really thought it was okay to make your teenage girls live with two unrelated men?

That’s ridiculous. My DS is 13 and tried to feign incompetence when I started giving him chores as I could see that he was otherwise going to grow up to be like your DSS. He got told to jog on and now does all the hoovering, the dishes, puts a load of washing on and hangs it out, and can cook a few different meals. And he’s by no means driven or independent, he just got told chores are non negotiable.

Its not fair on your kids either, to have higher expectations whilst they watch him do nothing

You know @ThrowAwayHooray re-reading OP's posts, you may be right. And yes - they are all the wrong ages for blending into one big happy family!

I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that OP and her DDs moved into her DP and SS’s home (which has probably always been a bit of a mess) and is now trying to change things.

To me it sounds like her SS is doing what he’s always done in his own home (like peeing with the door open) and is resistant to changing his habits as he probably views OP and her kids as interlopers trying to take over his home.

Now to be perfectly clear, I don’t think OP is wrong in her expectations at all, far from it in fact BUT I do think the kids were / are completely the wrong ages to blend (I wonder how much say the kids had in it) and OP and her DP would have been better off either waiting to live together or at least moving into a new house that was neutral ground as it’s very hard to change habits when moving into someone else’s “territory”.

As for her DP, I think he probably agrees with OP in theory (neat and tidy house, chores etc) but in reality he and his son are too set in their ways and he probably also views it primarily as his home (and not the OP’s) too; he probably wants a nice lovely home but can’t be arsed to put in the work to achieve it.

(Apologies of if I’ve got the set up wrong OP but from what you’ve described, it does sound to me like you and your DD’s moved in with them).

I’d be leaving if I were you OP, I think it was a bad idea to try and blend the kids at their ages and as for the rest of it, it’s obvious your DP is a gaslighting twat who has no respect for you. You sound lovely and you definitely deserve far better.

His son is potentially exposing himself to minor girls by refusing to shut the door when he uses the bathroom. Is he an exhibitionist? There's 3 girls in the home, 2 are minors.

I would have told them both to leave the minute his son refused to close the bathroom door. That's indecent exposure and possible sexual harassment.

DP says the right things, doesn’t do them

so why is it DSS you are complaining about? This is pretty obviously a case of unblending the family fast.

How do your DD’s feel about having a man or maybe even two men who don’t pull their weight in their home ? Is this the relationship you want to model for them?

Why would you respond to his requests / messages if he doesn’t do anything you ask him to? Just tell him to jog on.

And ignore all the typical MN man-haters who are telling you to dump your partner (which is their solution to every relationship problem), if your step son is 18 I’d hope he’ll be gone in a few months, and given he’s being coparented, does his mother get him to help round the house? Because one parent trying to fix that is not going to work.

This is what you need to address. He sounds quite weak and may need your support to sort this out, but it can be done as a team effort.
Your kids are already leading by example.
Perhaps a family meeting where rules and expectations are laid out clearly? And consequences for non-conformity.
It won’t affect your kids (who already do what you need them to do) - you could even forewarn them of what the meeting is about.

Making it a ‘family’ matter will take the pressure off your DH personally, and hopefully allay his fears of alienating his son and give him the strength to follow through on it.

Good luck! x

How much does your DH do in the house?

Can he encourage DSS to follow his example?

Everyone should have chores. We have a chore list that rotates daily and weekly for the kids.

My 17 yr old text similar demands. I just reply - manners?

When you bring up the issue , he responds by gaslighting you, by means of diverting the onus from his sons (and as such his own) behaviour, onto your trauma.

What relevance is your upbringing here? You raise your children to be helpful, kind, meaningful members of society who can fend for themselves. Not because of your upbringing (though perhaps in spite of it) but because that is the purpose of parenthood - if you strive to do it well at least.

His son is not pulling his weight, is not kind nor helpful, and certainly not participating as part of the miniature society that a family unit offers (in mimicry of the larger society in which we live) - your dh is failing his son, his son will fail to thrive in society, and you need to consider the impact of this on your own wellbeing and that of your children

Do you think if your DH pushes DSS to do more your DH is afraid he will vote with his feet and stay at his mums more? Your DSS may even be aware of this fear. Teens have been playing parents off against each other since the dawn of time. Doesn’t make it ok though, and he needs to tackle it.

Obviously should be doing more. Speak to your partner. Stop doing things for him.

Enormous red flag to bring up your childhood against you!

I think tell DP that you won't be doing things for DSS anymore like lifts, shopping, treats etc until he starts acting like he's part of the family. It's not fair that he gets special treatment.

And then stop doing it all.

Who does DSS washing? Stop that as well.

😳😳😳😳😳 HUGE red flag!!! You’ve found another abusive partner then! Did you not do the freedom programme and learn to spot the signs history is repeating itself? We end up with the same sort of personality unfortunately when we’ve been with abusive partners before or abusive parents

How long have you been together OP and whose house did you all move into?

Your DP is very unfair to bring up your difficult childhood when you call him out on his son's behaviour - it's a nasty thing to do, he'd putting the blame on you.

You are being totally reasonable in expecting all the kids to pitch in, or in his sons case, keep the most basic civilities. His son is showing total disrespect to you and your kids.

Can you return to couples therapist you saw before you moved in to see if there is any hope in him changing his parenting style?

Otherwise I think the blending of the families isn't working, he can move out with his son, you could still see each other, but the relationship may well end as he'll likely claim you're unreasonable not to accept his parenting style.

With three girls and one boy and their ages I don't know if moving in together was the best thing.

To the demands - you need to say no. And you need to get your DH to sort out the behaviours.

In a house full of females, your ss is asserting dominance. Surely there isn’t a much greater method of doing so than using the toilet with the door wide open.

Your DP is happy to allow his son assert dominance and, by association, your DP is asserting his dominance over all the females in the house. Or, if you like, your DP is asserting his dominance in the house by allowing his son to behave so awfully and one might say abusively to the females in the house.

If the house is yours, send them packing. The security of your daughters should come first and right now, they are being abused by men whom you have brought into their lives.

If the house isn’t yours, start packing. I don’t think there is any further discussion to be had on the subject to your bloke (he isn’t a partner at all).

Your response is "no I can't take you anywhere because you didn't tidy the shoes when I asked."

"No I won't buy you cards and presents for you because you refuse to help with the drying up." And repeat.

Also I'd call a handiman and have strong closing springs put on all of the loo doors. Put it on your dh's credit card, since he won't act.

Ohhh…this is a tricky one, especially as you are navigating your own past trauma as well. Rest assured, you’re not being a wicked stepmother at all. It sounds like you both agreed the ground rules before moving in and you’re the only one enforcing them.

You have the weight of MN behind you - don’t let your partner convince you that you’re being unreasonable because of your childhood trauma. He needs to step up and parent his child! He’s not doing him any favours by letting this slide - his son will have a rude awakening when he starts with serious relationships otherwise.

That’s a huge red flag. How would he react if you said if DSS doesn’t improve, they need to move out?