To be livid with father in law

He can come cut my grass! I’m a disabled lone parent with zero help from anyone! Literally zero. I have to cut my grass in my small-ish garden, in 3 different sessions as I can’t stand for more than 2/3 mins at a time. I can’t afford to pay someone to do it as A) They charge £20 a go and B) They all want a monthly arrangement and I can’t afford to commit to that. I’d cry if someone turned up to do it for me for free! But if it wasn’t convenient then I’d have immediately text to say not today but thank you so very much.

If he has a copy of your key and regularly cuts your grass, I think he was entitled to assume that in the absence of a response to his text (most likely because you didn't see it), the answer is "Yes". You might not have asked him to start cutting the grass in the first place, but if you haven't told him to stop until now, it's not unreasonable for him to think that you don't mind him doing it. He checked to be polite in case you had something else on, but otherwise he isn't to know that you are feeling crap.

Or perhaps he did know. Perhaps he reasoned "Brightside is probably feeling a bit down about her Mum, I know, I'll go and mow the lawn, that'll be one thing less for her to take care of". Maybe he mused out loud about this with your MIL. Maybe she said "Ooh, not sure about that", and he said "No, I'm sure it'll be fine". We might consider that a bit tone-deaf, but this is how a lot of men reason: "I couldn't possibly help emotionally, but here's a chore that I can take off your hands".

In general, men (and especially older men) don't spend much time discussing the niceties of social interactions (and mental health even less, which is probably part of the reason why men have higher suicide rates). If they mean well and nobody seems to be objecting to their "practical help", they will happily continue, often totally oblivious. Your FIL probably won't pick up on cues — if you want him to stop coming, you've got to lay it out in concrete terms. Try to be nice about it, though, because I suspect he means well and might be flummoxed as to why you wouldn't want your lawn mowing.

That or divorce.

I wouldn't be pleased if my FIL dropped in without (explicit) permission but then I wouldn't give him my key or rely on him for odd jobs. In any case, sounds like you (or your partner) need to have a chat about boundaries with him.

Is that better or worse than letting yourself into someone's house without their permission?

I'm very surprised by the number of posters who think that FIL was within his rights to let himself into her house because she didn't say no within 30 minutes. I wonder what these same posters would say if it were their house.

She never asked him to cut her grass. He's taken it upon himself. She doesn't want it or need it. This thread seems to exist in a twilight zone of "unless you stop me immediately, I'm going to enter your house for my own reasons to do what I want to your property".

I'd feel exaclty the same and for the same reasons. Saying no to people is really hard for me and feeling like I've caused offence is a huge problem. I'd have taken time to panic at his message, flap, think of ways to respond "no" that would be socially acceptable and to have him turn up before I got round to saying no would have left me howling in frustration. I don't even know how you prevent this as asking DH to remove their keys would cause conflict as would asking him to tell his dad to stop mowing your lawn.... Conflict is horrible :(

Sorry for some armchair physchology, but are you potentially more angry at yourself for what you perceive is your inability to set boundaries? Like you had am option to say no, which you wanted to do, but wasn't able to and now have to deal with consequences.

FIL could just be a physical manifestation of what seems to be happening or used to happen in your life (with your mum for example)? Strong anger is often a cover for other emotions hiding under the surface.

When I first met my husband my ILs would go around once a week.

He would potter in the garden, she would do house work & have an evening meal ready.

They thought that they were indispensable to my husband, he thought he was doing them a favour by letting them kill a day at his house.

So when I moved in MIL handed me the key say in a trembling, whimpering voice "oh, we won't be needing this any more as we won't be just letting ourselves in, will we?".

Too damn right!

Bloody hell @Brightside88
Where in the country are you?? Send him round here….. He can do any jobs he wants, we’re drowning. I’ll make him a cuppa and a snack to boot !!
Honestly, he’s just trying to be useful, to have more of a purpose, like you do.
Let him

You’re suggesting OP lies and says she hasn’t seen the text when she has??

He shouldn't have done that and I'd feel invaded like you... however I would have texted back No thankyou. Straight away.
And he wouldn't even have a key.. why does he have a key??

Can you afford to get your locks changed? Seems that’s the only solution to your problem… just don’t give in-laws another 1!

Respectfully, your MH is not your FIL's problem to resolve, and he presumably has no idea you're buzzing after seeing your mother. He asked if he could come and cut the grass, you chose not to reply because for some reason you see saying 'no' as an act of aggression, and he chose to see silence as consent, presumably imagining you were out at work and that he wouldn't have been bothering anyone.

I'm not clear on why he needed to let himself into the house, though -- is there no outside socket to plug the lawnmower into, if it needs plugging in?

are you sure after not getting a response from you he didn’t text your husband who said it should be fine?

Relatives have a funny way of being oblivious to intrusion of privacy and since he’s retired and bored and used to the status quo of doing the lawn then he’s probably even more oblivious.

I think it’s time to ask for the key back. We had to do it. Same as you, bought a house, got excited, gave in laws a just in case key. It backfired. DH had to ask for it back. Told them we didn’t see the need for it anymore and we can let them in anyway. If they need one on occasions for childcare / plant watering etc, you can loan them a key or leave one in a key safe (which you then change the combination after they’ve used it).
Or get a bolt for the inside of the door, so they can’t let themselves in while your on the house.

Your husband needs to have a word. Everyone has their preferences but if you don't like him just walking in, then him having a key sends mixed signals. My own dad, who I adore and does loads of jobs for me, has a key but would never use it unless I ok'd it. He understands that people need their privacy. I should be allowed to walk round my kitchen in the knack, or have sex with my husband in the daytime, or wail along to Kirsty MacColl, without the fear of someone walking in on me. He needs to know that his help is appreciated but that doesn't mean your house is his house.

I think livid is a bit strong.

You've let the man cut your grass all summer without any apparent complaint to him. If where you live is anything like the rest of the country it has now been raining for weeks when the grass couldn't be cut, maybe today it isn't raining and he thought it would be a nice thing to do for his son and slightly intense DIL.

He didn't turn up without warning you. You consciously decided not to answer his message. Yes you may have intended to answer later, but perhaps he didn't have much time available to do altruistic jobs or maybe he thought it might rain and he would miss the chance to make your garden look nice. Whether or not he was reasonable to take silence as consent depends entirely on what has happened in the past - do you have a habit of ignoring messages from him or your MIL but are quite happy when they pop around anyway to do nice things for you for free?

And why do your in-laws have a key to your house? Is it usually used for their benefit (popping in to use your washing machine or eating food out of your fridge) or for your benefit (doing things for you)?

In any case, I think the problem is probably solved now as if your face registered livid when you saw him I doubt he'll be back again.

I disagree: there's no way anybody should be letting themselves into someone else's house without express permission.

Exactly - surely you wait for a response before letting yourself into someone's home!

Um since when did the absence of no automatically mean yes?
I think OP your reaction is heightened because of the week you are already having, but it doesn't mean his behaviour was OK. I hope you get back to a calmer, more rested state soon. It might be easier to deal with the FIL boundary issues for you then.

You are hard work. He asked, you didn't say no and now your pissed off. FFS - he came to cut the grass. Get over it.

he shouldn’t be letting himself in your house without permission. What if you and your husband had decided to take the day off and have a marathon sex session haha!
your husband needs to have a word with him about boundaries.

On the surface yabu, but I guess there’s more to it. You could have said no. You can’t be fiercely independent and shy away from setting boundaries.
It sounds like you are taking your feelings about your mother out on him. Have you ever had therapy?

You’ve reminded me, my MIL used to come and do our garden, we never asked her but she loved gardening and we didn’t. She liked it to be nice for the dc (not biologically related to her). I would get home from work to beautiful flowers and we used to joke that our flower fairy had been. I really appreciated that she cared, it was like her ‘love language’.

Is she not allowed to just want her own space (in her own property, FFS!) because she’s had a difficult week? No? Why not?

Sorry you’re having a tough time but honestly, to me, this is such a non-event. I am laidback but this wouldn’t bother me at all

If you want boundaries you need to
assert them, he’s not a mind reader. I think you are being completely unreasonable.

If you didn’t want him to cut the grass anymore that’s ok, he needs to be told that. If you don’t want them letting themselves in, perfectly reasonably, don’t give them the key.

FIL might be a nightmare, might not- but you’ve rather stitched him up here.