To be livid with father in law

He’s clearly being helpful but he’s rude not to await a reply before he actually came round as it’s invading your space. You know next time to say no or at least reply as he clearly took your silence as a yes!

Your FIL isn’t the problem here. It’s you!

You need to start speaking up instead of hiding away and expecting others to guess what mood you’re in today and whether you want company, the grass cutting or whatever.

How difficult is it to send a text? You don’t even have to speak to him.

When we go on holiday they let themselves in and it feels like they’re checking we’ve not left the drier on, left any windows open etc as though we’re little kids.

You’ve created a little montage in your head that bears little resemblance to real life and it’s all about poor you and horrid they make you feel.

You know that feeling of huge love you have for your own children, it doesn’t magically disappear when they’re grown adults. I think you ought to be more grateful that you have in-laws who care about you and still look out for you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well no one ever offered to cut my grass. Who would cut it if he didn't?
He is doing you a kind service.
You gave him your door key and now he actually uses it ?!
Grow up.

"Having some private time" sounds like a euphemism for having a wank, so I wouldn't say that.

Op you sound like me and your fil sounds like mine! My family are all pretty low contact live your own life types (especially since my dm died) which really stings now I’ve had kids. My in laws are so supportive, asking how they can help, inviting us over, offering to look after the kids and yes, fil cutting the grass and decorating without being asked! I found it so intrusive for so long, like I couldn’t relax when they visited because they were noticing all the jobs that needed doing - I felt judged. But honestly now I understand there is no malice there- they are a blessing and it was just the grief of wishing my mum was still alive and my own dad was able to look out for me in that way. I’ve accepted them as they are and we have a nice balance where I will ask dh to gently say something if it feels too much (which they always respect because they genuinely love us!)

I suspect that your FIL is one of the many, many people who does not understand that working at home actually counts as working. However, you could have forestalled him by texting back 'no, thanks, it's not a good time' which would have taken you about five seconds.

You are over catastrophising and winding your self up in this.

send him a text “ thanks for cutting the grass FIL it looks great. Next time can you wait for response before letting yourself in as I was having some private time and it gave me a fright”

don’t let your brain over think this, there is no need. If you prefer get DH to do it

you gave him a key, you didn’t tell him not to come over and you didn’t tell him it was inconvenient when he turned up. You need to set boundaries

Missing the point I’d love someone to randomly take on a garden chore

You sound fraught and I suspect being kind to yourself might be better than ‘working hard on boundaries’ Don’t sweat the small stuff and all that.

I appreciate that the lingering feelings after contact with an estranged parent, from what I assume is a difficult relationship historically will be exhausting you.

Is it possible that FIL remembers how exhausting life is for working parents and is helping in the only way he knows how?

Life is easier if you assume the best of people rather than the worst and you sound like you could benefit from an easier time.

I vote leave fil to it. ‘Thanks fil, only if you want to, much appreciated.’ Keep that relationship ‘light’

Well take it away. You could be walking around naked and this man thinks he can just let himself in willy nilly?

No way.

Your phrasing struck me. Is this a very overbearing family? Dare I suggest a controlling one?

It's quite a normal thing. I have a key to my daughter's house and she has one to mine. We don't just go over and start doing things in each other's houses but it's very useful at times.

People are entitled to withdraw consent.

I agree with the absence of no not being consent, however the waters are muddied in this case due to there being a precedent of taking charge of mowing the grass unasked. He didn't realise the big deal. OP there's nothing wrong with this being a big deal (it would be to me too, my home is by invitation only), but many people don't operate like that so I think the onus is on you to voice your expectations and boundaries and then enforce them. Even if he knows he's being pushy and is doing it on purpose because he's an arse, you still need to assert your rules or you'll get pushed over every time. Being a people pleaser is rotten because you want people to consider your feelings without being asked, like you do for them, but sometimes it's not obvious what those feelings are (and some people wouldn't care anyway).

Did he not knock first? If not did he imagine you weren't in then?

The posters saying you should have said no are not factoring in the fact that you don't have to reply immediately to texts right away if you don't want to. If you don't want to you don't have to, and the default to no reply should be he goes about his day doing something other than cutting your grass. The default of no reply isn't "yes".

It's like you can't be at peace at home, what if you were naked or something

Change your locks. Yes, of you can. Do it now.

And yes, it's rude and weird march into someone's home without their permission. And it wouldn't matter if he'd texted you ten times and called you a hundred times. Reasonable, decent people never ever do that.

Sorry, your one day of peace spoiled, I meant to say.

Your FIL is not a mind reader so it is unreasonable to be livid with him for turning up to cut the grass when he didn't hear back from you.

It isn't unreasonable to feel totally stressed out and livid at having your one day of peace, though. Just recognise that it isn't the old boy's fault.

Thanks for the explanation. I was just surprised you had given him a key and then were 'livid' he let himself in to do a chore. I guess mixed messages is what I'm assuming your FIL gets from this.

Everyone is different ofcourse and has different relationships with their in-laws. But, if you care as much about space as you do (and I certainly do and understand that), I would just be clearer about boundaries. That's all. Not outraged at all - life is too short to get outraged by other people's lives on MN.

The email asking you to confirm that it was a good time shows that he knew it might NOT be convenient; why didn't he wait for a response? If you're working from home, you could easily be involved with something and had an hour pass without reading a personal email. I also work from home and there are times when it would be very inconvenient to have a lawn mower roaring in the near distance; I have noise cancelling headphones but if I'm, say, facilitating a conference call or webinar, background noise is a distraction to me and can be audible to others.

However, I think you are overreacting a bit by saying that your choice has been taken away in a larger sense. It's a natural reaction if you're a bit stressed and something like this can feel like "the last straw", but to avoid confusion it's best to stay calm and be direct with FIL. If you've let it go this one time, you can still tell him that in future he must to wait for you to confirm that it's OK to come by at a certain time. Or tell him you work at home on x days and it's not convenient to have anyone in the house. Don't blame him, as it's easy to see why he might think it's OK to drop by and he might even think that letting himself in was saving you the trouble, just be clear on what happens from now on.

🤷‍♀️ 😊

you ignored a message asking a question - giving you a choice and then complain when your ignorance is ignored

I know you are questioning someone else but some answers for you:

They live locally
They water the plants / open curtains / take post in when we are away
They can nip in and sort / feed the dogs if we are running late back from work
They can pop round and take the dogs out for a walk if they fancy it (they love walking so it's a win / win)
They are my DHs parents - who better to trust with a key to your house?
We have a key to their house for the same reasons as above
They are family
We also give keys to other people who we barely know (cleaners, neighbours, dog walkers)

Hope that helps. Not sure why you're outraged that immediate family would have a key to your house but I guess this is MN 😂

If you don’t say no to an ongoing, existing thing that is happening what would you expect to happen?

You made the choice to ignore it, you didn't have the choice to try and refuse taken away. Plus how flipping long does mowing the lawn actually take?
This isn't really about the lawn is it?
If your DH isn't asking his parents not to do things (or in fact, doesn't mind that they do?), that's where the issue lies