To be livid with father in law

To be honest I don’t see why grown up people feel it’s okay to go round and mow other peoples lawn without an invitation in the first place. It’s the sort of arrangement that makes me wince and I like minimal input from extended family in regards to my house. I got the impression from your original post this is something he’s decided to do rather than it being something you’ve asked him to do. It’s a violation of your privacy and invasion of your territory! You are right to be pissed if about it, but I wouldn’t suggest having an argument about it either. He is probably trying to help even if it’s misguided.

😂😂😂😂 fair

Why? I would fix that. But you should have said no instead of ignoring.

Speed is of the essence with people like this! Just a quick message, "Oh that's nice of you but it's not convenient today as I've got a lot on with work and it'll distract me. Thanks anyway."

No response =drop it, ime. What does your Dh say? You’re wfh, it’s disruptive having someone come in the house. You can’t access my back garden without going through the house.

He took an absence of a no to mean yes (why is he asking if he has their consent?) - and you think that’s just fine. Just own it.

No the only thing he categorically KNEW is that she hadn't replied, which could mean yes or no, so he took a chance, if the weather there is like it here at the moment, chances are he only had a limited window to get it done, and made an assumption about the lack of response.

A lack of yes isn't a no and a lack of no isn't a yes, unless there is previous precedent (which I suspect there may be), he obviously chanced it. If OP didn't want him to come she SHOULD HAVE REPLIED.

You're absolutely reaching with your consent bullshit, they have given him consent to come round and mows their grass and they are obviously happy for him to do it (the fact that OP secretly doesn't like it is neither here nor there as he has never been told that), he's not forcing her to do anything against her will while she is too drunk to consent, he's accessing their house to mow their grass like he has been all summer.. You're really blowing it out of proportion.

If he came round letting himself in unannounced, or she said no and he argued or came round anyway I could understand your outrage, but someone doing you a favour, which they have been doing regularly for months making an assumption is not at all the same as him forcing OP to do something against her will.

I'm with you but many posters on MN don't seem to want anyone coming into their house at all.

I understand where you’re coming from OP. My family are hands off, getting on with their own lives, you sort yourself out types. I also have a distant parent with minimal contact.

I think the problem stems from when you’re being ‘parented’ by your in laws in a way that you’ve never experienced before. It feels infantilising and like you’re not an adult to be trusted with your own life, decisions etc.

This often takes the form of things they want to do for you. Not what you would like. Then you’re stuck in this weird place of feeling ungrateful and controlled when everyone around you thinks it’s ‘lovely’. So many posts on here saying how they would love someone to come round and cut their grass. It’s not about the grass! It’s the invasion and making you feel like you can’t say no without offending/upsetting someone.

Your home is your sanctuary during difficult times and it’s ok to want to shut the door and not make cheery small talk with your well intentioned FIL.

There’s some good advice on how to set boundaries here. I’m a people pleaser too and want to be easy going but bristle like you at nice gestures dressed up as sticking their noses in where it’s not wanted.

Hope you feel better soon.

But what he categorically did know is that she hadn’t said “yes”.

I find it extraordinary the number of women apparently happy for a man to take the absence of a “no” to mean “yes”. Are all these women teaching their sons this?

You could have said “hello, thank but today doesn’t work for me. See you another day “

But we don't know what is the norm because OP hasn't said.

Does he normally wait for a response before coming round (unlikely if he didn't do that this time), or the most likely situation is that if it isn't convenient she would let him know straight away, and she didn't so he assumed it was okay, if that is what normally happens then he hasn't done anything wrong by assuming.

He didn't know the answer was no and he didn't know OP needed a full hour to think about saying no to him.

Yep this. If you’d said no and he’d still turned up, you’d have grounds to be annoyed.

He thinks he’s being helpful, maybe he knows you and your dp are busy and thinks it will help if he does the job for you and this was the only free time he had.
Figure out what you’re angry with - that he didn’t wait for a reply, that he let himself in, that he does this job, or something else?
Deal with this issue because this simmering resentment will cause more issues in the long run.

I have a key to my daughter's house and I have a key to her's. I thought it was very normal

I’d say it’s both - yes, she needs to speak to him and no, she’s not unreasonable to say that as she didn’t give him a reply, that doesn’t equate a yes.

He’s been doing it regularly, she didn’t say no…the outcome is obvious. Her disliking him doing it is the issue, she refuses to tell him that and then wants to complain about it. She can’t have it both ways.

It’s a typical MN post where someone refuses to deal with the actual problem they have.

He did give you a choice though. He asked if you minded. Why didn't you say sorry it wasn't convenient.

That there’s an ongoing arrangement for a time? As in he always comes round on the first Monday of the month at 11? Nope, I can’t see that in the OP and that’s the only ongoing arrangement I can think of whereby he wouldn’t need to wait for a response.

@sandyhappypeople he only gave her 30 mins before coming round regardless. She could have been in the shower or on a work call. That's hardly enough time to warrant him not bothering to wait for a response before going anyway.

She literally says it in the OP.

Yabu, because you could have just said , no, it doesn't suit today.

"Hi Malcolm, thanks for cutting the grass earlier, however, today really wasn't a good day for me for this and I hadn't even had chance to respond to your message. Thanks for what you do but I'd appreciate if you only come over once we've confirmed it suits, thanks DIL"

If he huffs over that, then that's fine as you don't want him coming over like this anyway. If he continues to overstep, then get your DH to have a word with him.

I'm concerned at the amount of people who think because OP didn't respond (in only 30 mins), that that gave him a green light to go into her home. Consent clearly doesn't seem to matter to many on here. She could have been in the bath or having a pyjama day etc. It's not ok to just go around anyway without having had a response.

I couldn't cope with inlaws having a key. Get it back!!

It's your space and you haven't given permission.

I think permission has been implied though, It's hard to say if they are overstepping as it is alien to me that PIL would come round and randomly do chores for us, I'd be annoyed and they know it because those boundaries were firmly established early on, but it has obviously been something that has been offered and accepted in the past and now completely normalised for OPs family.

I actually think OP is making more of this than needs be because FIL did actually ask and she could have said no it wasn't a good time, saying you are a people pleaser is a you problem, you shouldn't be 'livid' at the person who thinks they are helping you if you have never communicated that the help is not welcome!

Easiest way to get round it though is to mow the lawn yourselves, then when he messages say 'already taken care of, thank you' and go about your day, they'll soon get the hint and eventually stop asking.

Or have a talk with DH when you don't feel as discombobulated as you do now, and decide on some healthy boundaries with his parents.