...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

I think by not telling your children where you are or why you've left you're really jeopardising your relationship with them. You're also potentially making them have every sympathy with your husband and none for you, which is going to be hard to come back from.

Yes they're adults but it's still going to be extremely difficult for them to deal with especially when for them it's come out of nowhere. They'll be worried about split loyalties, what will happen at Christmas etc, their family home, as well as dealing with the terrible shock of their parents' marriage disintegrating.

You need to be open with them. You're really not helping them at all at the moment. Presumably they're only in their early twenties which is still young to be dealing with the breakdown of their parents marriage and the repercussions.

Leaving isn't at all unreasonable, but I think blocking him right now is, unless he means nothing at all to you now?

You've been processing the pain for 5 years - to him, this will have been a catastrophic shock.

Of course he brought it on himself - and technically you owe him very little since he's forced you to live a lie. Nevertheless I think it's a bit OTT to literally cut him off before he's had a chance to process any of it.

You don't say how much time you've spent talking to him so far, or whether you've fully explained the irrevocable impact of his confession on your love for him, your pain, your rage, and now your need to be alone.

But on the basis of what you've written I think what you're describing is the opposite of Hysterical Bonding - you're having a heightened sense of carefree liberation which isn't 'real', because of the pain/trauma - and probably a sense of being unable to 'live' as you had, but also of being utterly trapped - that you've experienced while dealing with his betrayal.

While he is an adult and has to reap what he sows, be careful that you don't alienate your children with what to them might seem the cavalier 'throwing away' of their childhood/family as they understand it. You will need to show them that you've been through terrible pain I think, otherwise you will seem to them cruel and callous - they might feel that someone has taken the mother they know and replaced her with an alien or bot.

I have to say that I am a bit perplexed that your DH dropped this absolute clanger on you five years ago and then when you didn't discuss it with him just thought "OK then, I'll just crack on". Wasn't he concerned about your emotional wellbeing?

Sounds like he only confessed to appease his guilty conscious rather than actually giving a hoot about the OP.

YABVU in the way you are treating your children. I assume you expect that they are going to side with him (and given how you have treated them all the more so I suspect).

I think they way you have dealt with this overall also comes across as quite underhand. Not as bad as your DH has been, and you are absolutely entitled to leave, but the way you have done it does not leave you smelling of roses.

You should tell your kids, they don’t have the full information here so of course they are confused.

Although you don’t need any reason really to end a relationship, but it explains why it’s pretty “sudden”

People who love their partners very much generally don't pull the plug so bloodlessly and finally, without any prior warning

I see a lot of posters who've been cheated on describe this very feeling- having the rug pulled out from under them mercilessly.
I imagine that's how the OP felt, having believed she'd enjoyed a long a d faithful marriage.
I wish more women were able to do this, as so many men get to carry on wilfully ruining relationships, partners and children.

Why should she care about accusations, as long as she can prove what money came in and what went out 🤷 I could accuse someone of stealing all my money, but I imagine no-one would act on it unless I could prove it was true. As long as she doesn't lie, she'll be fine
Why do you think it's a lot of money when op has said it was modest and used for a rental deposit and a few months rent?

I guess the guilt of lying for 22 years got to him. He had processed his choices and had no doubt minimised them for 22 years.

However it was brand new info to you.

The books - Cheating in a nutshell and Betrayal Bind - may help you process op.

I wish you happiness and peace.

You don't have to live in the same house together until you divorce., you don't need to prove that he was a threat to her, for it to be accepted that she can live in a separate property to her soon to be ex husband.
Plenty of people live separately whilst the divorce is going through
No court would consider renting somewhere separate as hiding assets or misappropriation of joint funds to lower her finances for the divorce. It doesn't sound like she's trying to avoid splitting the money. She'll also be buying groceries I imagine so she can eat with what you consider 'joint money', housing and food etc are necessities and op won't be told off by the courts for purchasing these things

The financial split will be sorted in the divorce proceedings. I'm gonna go out on a whim and guess that op probably won't care if she has a couple of thousand deducted from her split because she rented elsewhere if it means she no longer has to be married to this man, even if it is highly unlikely the court would do this.

maybe you just need some alone time to properly process what he admitted.

Well done!

So if you hadn't had the windfall, you'd still be living with him?

I haven't voted, because I'm sorry for your kids, but not your husband.

While his infidelity was 22 years ago, it would've been brand new for the OP when he told her about it. 6 years is around the time people usually take to process the cheating and make a firm decision as to the rest of their life.
It's good OP has a way out. Much better than being stuck, miserable and festering.

This. How can you treat your children like that?

If my DH said he forgave me over something that happened 22 years ago, didn't mention it for another five years, then suddenly left without warning and refused to talk to me or tell me where he was, I'd be totally devastated.

Sure, cheating is wrong, but I think the way you left is cruel.

I didn't say she's hiding money, I said it could open her up to possible accusations in the future, espically if it's a lot of money.

It may not sound like it, but I'm on the OP's side to an extent. But also mindful that if this is a significant amount of money, it's probably getting split 50/50 anyway.

It wasn't just a one off betrayal 22 years ago . Every day since he has been living a lie and you've known it for only 5 years. So for 5 years you have had to live with the knowledge that most of your married life has this huge secret in the background . Cheating and then deception. No wonder you left when you had the funds to do so . I envy you . But do tell your kids please and fo tell them why . They are adults, they can handle it . I sure as hell wouldn't let him away with any we grew apart story .

Shoulda kept his pants on more like it.

The Dh can tell the children why she left

Stop saying you've done it on a whim. You've given it 5 years of thought and it seems you are sure now.
He's decided firstly to cheat and secondly to tell you. If that's broken something that, on reflection, can't be fixed, that's on him.

Well, you've had 5 years to get your head around the end of this marriage, a different future for yourself, and obviously to envisage and plan a life without him. It's come as a surprise to everyone else.

After this many years and adult children, I don't think it's a bad thing to explain what you've done and why. Regardless of the circumstances, you've had nearly 3 decades and will always be in each other's lives for the rest of your lives.

He's made you live a lie for over 20 years, to me that's unforgiveable. But you can act decently, and blocking him isn't decent imo.

Sorry he did this to you. I don't know how I'd go on with this type of betrayal.

I suspect she just needs some time to herself for a while. The kids might leak to DH and she needs to be away from him. Probably from all of them. I imagine she has given her life to taking cafe of them. Surely it is OK for her to have some quality time alone for now. She never got a chance to really process what he told her 5 years ago, now she has the opportunity to reflect. I bet a lot of things are going to fall into place. I wonder if that was the only time he cheated.

Good luck, OP, What you are doing sounds amazing. It's great that you could afford to do that. Many women can't. Very well done.

This and he did not have to tell you.
I think it is important to have some time out but don't make any big decisions yet.

Oh I do love a powerful woman.

Well done. You’ve lived under a cloud for the last few years and finally found your voice.

I expect you’re taking time to process and settle your mind and in due course Im sure you’ll tell the kids.

In the meantime, enjoy your new freedom and relaaax away from the push/pull feelings his confession of infidelity generated. More women should play their cards close to their chest like you and simply bug**r off if they can.

Yes! You go girl. 💐

Well if her husband’s left her because she cheated. Then good on him. Also dna test those adult children…