...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

My guess is so they don’t end up being put in the middle by having this knowledge and not sharing it with their Dad who op is concerned will turn up in person.

In which case perhaps the opposite of being cruel

I don't see any man as a necessary facet to my life. I wouldn't say I'm super romantic/naive or see a man as my whole life. I would feel disrespected and I wouldn't see them as a beneficial part of my life if they cheated and lied to me and would therefore leave them. I would rather be single or take my chances of finding a man who wouldn't treat me in such a horrendous way.

Same As here. Though I’d also be telling her I expect he would be unsure about his children’s paternity likely as well.

I was shocked by how easy the 'leaving my husband as a person' aspect of ending my marriage was, nearly 10 years ago now. We had been together 16 years. The adjustment in terms of family life and being away from my young children 50% of time were horrendous and I can hardly bare to think of it but I genuinely didn't and don't miss him. He did nothing terrible, I just didn't love him anymore and that was that. I bore him no malice, I was quite indifferent. If it's going to catch up with me, it's taking a while.

Others have it right, you've already done the ruminating and letting go long before actually leaving - you are inevitably further along than your ex husband so it's going to be hard for him. He'll see it as having come out of the blue and you as heartless. But as our couples therapist put it, you are no longer available to attend to his emotional needs. That's what a separation IS.

I wonder what the replies would be if a woman had posted that her DH had walked out after she confessed to a fling 22 years ago and vanished without telling his children where he was?

If I found out my DH cheated in the distant past I wouldn’t leave him. He however would leave me if I did the same. We just have very different views of marriage - his is romantic (and naive IMO) and mine is practical (and realistic IMO).

There are other reasons why he’s not a particularly great husband and I have the financial means to leave him, but the reasons for staying with him outweigh those for leaving.

i think it’s because I view him as a necessary facet of my life in addition to all the other facets, rather than my whole life. It’s people who think the latter who are most devastated by infidelity in my experience.

Im also in a 30 year plus marriage with adult children and Yes, I would walk away if something like this came to light, because I would feel that I was living a lie.

You don't have to justify anything you have done.

It strikes me that your subconscious has kind of taken over the decision-making for now, and is taking self-preserving action. It is getting you out of the situation, it is creating space for you to reflect and consider, it is putting up strong boundaries that you need to feel safe right now.

I also suspect that this is why you feel a bit numb - it's your subconscious doing all this and you're just kind of along for the ride. But by making this space for you, you can allow yourself to process all the long-felt and conflicting emotions that you need to process.

It may be that you feel differently in the future, it may not. But you can't figure how how you feel without having this space now.

When a family member of mine did something similar, they told us that they were OK, and would give us their side of the story in time. And that was enough - maybe this would be something that you could say to your kids.

Even so I'm inclined to see this as bragging not catharsis!

I assumed the poster meant cathartic not catholic.

I think they might have meant cathartic rather than Catholic 😂

Sounds totally fair to leave but your surprise at the lack of feelings sounds like you’re not massively in touch with yourself right now, and the not wanting to tell your kids where you are is v avoidant. Same with your numb response at the time. I guess talking to the kids will bring you into contact with some stuff you may be trying to avoid right now.
please tell them where you are at least, even if you have to say you’re not ready to talk, otherwise you’ll cause them stress and potentially really damage your relationship

It is not a whim. It's been brewing for 5 years. Her husband's affair caused the split so if you want to be all "what about the kids" try it on her husband

Is it not the case that confessions are normally made to a priest rather than to the victim of the crime?
Edited to add: in my view this is not a confession, rather it is a failure of the man to suppress his impulse to brag about his sexual conquests.

Totally missing the point but isn’t the definition of a one night stand something that happens once? If it happens more then that’s just an affair.

sounds like you’ve processed, grieved and moved on so exh needs to catch up so I think you both need space but I’d agree to speak in 2 weeks when he’s had time. I think your expectations of him to be okay with it are rather unreasonable when he’s been blind sided.

It catholic for them to confess, but sod the damage it does to the other person

Perhaps her husband should be paying her rent for her half of the marital home, as he now has sole occupancy of their house? As his behaviour has led to her leaving him and having to house herself.

I find it more psychopathic that he cheated on the OP and didn't tell her until 20 years later.... yano why? Because he knew she would leave. He took away that choice. This man has literally stolen years off this woman and basically tricked her unto staying with him, under the pretence that he was what she wanted in a relationship. It's actually sickening what he's done to her

No she hasn't upset the course of their future stop being dramatic.

Are you her husband 🤣

And blocking him to stop him texting you is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

Cheats often believe their wants or needs are more important than their spouses needs (for security, honesty, no risk of std from shagging around). Him not giving space is very relevant.

She has left for space. Him pestering her is yet another me me me example, this is often found in cheats. I’m sad, talk to me, soothe me, I don’t want to lose you. He chose to cheat. That was his decision. Op is choosing to no longer live with a cheat. That is her decision. She has presumably honoured her vows. He didn’t.

It can take a person 3-5 years to process and recover from cheating. It’s often Less time if you split up. It causes a form of PTSD (the only part missing is threat to life).

Personally I think affairs should not be romanticised. The impact should be discussed openly. They are not sexy or cool, it’s abusive. Putting a spouse at risk of an life altering std is abuse.

He didn’t protect their marriage 22 years ago. She’s decided not to protect their marriage now. The difference is he wanted to have his cake and eat it. She has told him it’s over.

I believe people can reconcile, however separation is just as valid.

This

YANBU to leave him, but this is pretty shitty.

I mean op could be missing many things out of her post but I assume she isn't finding the most expensive property in the area as a means of reducing marital assets as she hasn't said so. So I've based my responses on the post. You seem to be assuming things that aren't there about lottery wins and her renting a mansion and hiding money. Unless the op states that, I'm not sure why there's a need to bring it up
You could also assume op had cheated on her husband, but I think.its safe to assume she hasn't or she'd have probably mentioned it

It’s perfectly obvious OP cannot tell her adult offspring where she is, because the father will get that info out of them & pester her physically as well as by fone etc..

I think you should tell your children something, even if its just to put their mind at rest

I would have left him also

Perhaps the Op has rented somewhere abroad to have a bit of me time.

No ex DH, no children

Some time to decide what to do next

I agree, you don't need to do any of those things, but it all goes against one party more; for all we know, she's renting a pad at 4k per month. All I'm saying is it's not black and white as it seems.

It'll all come out in the wash, no doubt.