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Original poster

To continue with my CMS claim when exp claims it is affecting his mental health?

109 replies

Rainbows41 · 18/09/2025 11:15

I recently put in a claim for CMS to cut all ties with exp. He had previously offered to pay only things related to dc's education and nothing more. I had been told by the DWP years ago that I didn't have to accept that, but at the time I had been on the receiving end of such mental and physical abuse from exp so I was willing to accept anything he offered so as to avoid any further upset.
Years and years later fast forward to now, he has ramped up the abusivrle behaviour again. I have noticed he seems to take pleasure from being asked for money for DC's school shoes/equipment/school travel etc. At times he has attempted to make me feel grabby for asking - by saying he thinks he has paid enough, ie dd's residential trip he paid for but refused to pay for her suitcase and equipment she needed to take with her.

Anyway I am far removed from the nonsense he likes to create and his latest outburst has highlighted just how far I have come in terms of just self growth alone, since leaving him all those years ago. It seems, he hasn't changed his ways and was just good at hiding them. He has started to take things out on my dd. This has crossed a line with me. I will not tolerate it.
IAt the beginning of the summer hols I made a claim to CMS just to cut ties with him altogether. Daughter then doesn't have to ask him for anything and he has no reason to create rows. What's interesting though is that ds doesn't see any of this - because it's not directed at him, only dd. Exp buys him whatever he wants and always offers him opportunities to "earn" pocket money (we're talking £50-£100 a time), whilst DD is left without - no earning opportunity, but she has said nothing.
He is self employed and had recently been blosting how much he was earning whilst still being nasty towards DD. He has been very abusive towards her and her friendships (something he used to do to isolate me). She snapped and told him he was out of order. I decided for her sake (and mine secretly), that a CMS claim would give him one less thing to control and abuse.

CMS have come back and said dc's are entitled to zero. Apparently he is relying on universal credit and has swindled his earnings to make it look like he is earning the bare minimum. I was fully expecting him to hide his earnings, and it hasn't surprised me he has done this.
I am financially in a position to cover anything my children need and want, so not relying on him to cover educational bits is no problem for me. At the end of the summer hols I would have usually asked him for money to pay for DC's school travel passes along with some uniform and stationary bits. I have covered these now myself.
The day after I was informed by CMS of the zero entitlement, exp contacted DC's individually and told them to each pass on a message to me : "this is the last time and I mean it, I am offering mum one last chance to accept my offer of going back to the former agreement". I listened to my DC's telling me this and I didn't respond whether I would accept or not (I was in shock if truth be told at the sheer audacity of exp).
DD asked dad directly whether he would pay mum the bus pass money, and he told her no and said, I quote "this is what happens when mum messes with fire - she gets burned!". I couldn't believe it when she told me that. He said he would only pay anything they needed from this point forward and will not reimburse anything I had already covered. He also requested that I cancel the CMS claim and only then he would think about paying their costs, yet unsurprisingly he has purchased equipment for ds he needs for college whilst dangling this CMS claim over daughters head as leverage.
However, he is still harassing dd about it and has ramped up the abuse. He is threatening to kill himself over it. He has told her that hers and my actions have caused his mental health to decline rapidly.
I had previously blocked him, since the beginning of the summer hols. However, due to the abuse towards DD I have had to resume contact and tell him to back off! I have asked him why he is so upset over it all when CMS aren't even taking a penny from him. He won't say, but I think he doesn't want the trouble of having to continuously hide his earnings from the government. That's not my problem. That's his.
I had told him last night that if he carries on with his coercive behaviour towards DD then I will get the police and ss involved and they will look closely at his mental health to decide whether he is actually fit to be around my DC's. When son came home last night, after his suicidal threats, he had no idea of anything being untoward. I casually asked him if he has spoken to dad today, he said yes. I asked how he seemed. Son said he was absolutely fine and asked me why. I knew he was just ramping up for my daughter and playing a callous act. Do this is why I added in my message that the police and ss will look into his mental health, so as to call him out on his bullshit
After my message was sent, he started taking it out on DD and messaging her about it! He was asking her what he should do, he feels so mentally unstable and it's all mums fault.
I cannot believe he did this and I am at my wits end. I haven't messaged him since. I've said what I needed to and I absolutely mean what I said. I don't do 'he said/she said"
' nonsense, nor do I take part in any kind of tit for tat.
Daughter is becoming very confused and worn down by it all and has asked me to cancel the CMS claim as she wants all this to stop. She says she doesn't know whether to be on dad's side or mine and is confused as he keeps saying stuff about me. I have calmly explained to her there are no sides to take. I explained that people can easily say things but their actions will always reveal the truth. I told her she can make up her own mind about dad and I will never judge her or love her any less. I have advised her that she would benefit from some counselling sessions away from me and dad, so that she can let off some steam and get unbiased advice.
I have explained that her dad seems to be going through some kind of mental decline and that he shouldn't be taking it out on her.
I was very careful not to give her too much advice as she was in information overload. But at the same time I didn't want her to be left with all those negative thoughts whirling around her mind festering. She was upset that I had messaged dad and had gotten involved. She demanded to read my message, so I showed her. None of it was nasty. No name calling or insulting text, just facts.
She looked at ease after reading it and actually told me she thought it was a good message (teenagers?!).
As I said I've blocked him again. I told her it would be better if she gives him some space and avoid him for the time being so he can calm down and work out what's going on his head. She also needs to decompress.
She said she was worried he was going to use her giving him space against her for when she does eventually go and see him.
I advised her to put his messages into the archive folder, so that she can look at them along with any new messages when she is in a better place, if she so chooses to.

I don't know what to do now. I don't want to close down the claim. I shouldn't have to. He is making out that I am being unfair and causing issues. I'm literally doing the right thing by cutting him off from me, and removing his "power".

I did say to him in my message that when he asked the kids to tell me about his "last offer", they also told me he wanted me to set up a bank account for DD (son already has one), so that he can pay money into that for educational bits, rather than paying me directly. I have since, set this account up for DD and when telling him about it in my message, he relied saying he would prefer to set up his own account and pay money into that instead. I know exactly why he has said that. It's to avoid paying my daughter anything at all and still keep control of anything he intends to put aside for her and use that as leverage in fiture. It's all controlling bollox.
I'm taking her out on the weekend to buy her the bits she needs. I've advised her not to ask him for another thing.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Rainbows41 · 03/10/2025 12:52

Thanks for your replies.
Yes, I absolutely will be calling the emergency services if he uses those threats again.
I wilo look up triangulation and see how similar it is to what exp is doing, as it may give me some pointers on how to shut him down if he comes for me next!
Yes, DD and I already are careful to give DS limited information on her, as in the past, exp has likened to asking him questions and using the info as ammo - which is actually the sole route of the current situation. It started with exp grilling ds, and finding out she has a bf. And then it blew up. Exp sent me a barrage of angry, threatening voice notes and messages. DD was at her bf house at the time. I know she can be easily upset (and rightly so) and I was anxious as to whether exp was also sending her these kinds of messages.
I rang her asking if she was ok? To test the water without alerting her unnecessarily. She said she was fine and enjoying her day. So I thought "phew" and relaxed.
Shortly after, DD rang back saying she had spoken to her dad and that he had been having a go at her. She actually stood up for herself and stood her ground when she spoke - demanding she have her say. She was extremely upset over the way in which he had spoken to me and also how he was making her feel, all of which was uncalled for, unnecessary and she wasn't going to stand for it.
When she told me all of this, it's then that I decided to go to CMS, as I knew she would be needing new school stuff for the new yearand I'd be damned if I was going to ask him and I also knew exp would use this as power.

He had lured her back in since then, but she has now gone completely NC.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent then - yes, we are very careful what we say to DS about her and I have also spoken to him since, as actually, I don't think he meant to get her into trouble, but he was asked questions by his parent who he trusted and so why shouldn't he give the answers?

You're absolutely right about keeping calm, as I have done. DS will hopefully keep choosing to remain more with me as time goes on, as he will see the constant normal environment he has here which isn't the case at their dads house. As it stands, exp is making it very obvious how much he has a investing in ds, as had splashed the cash, taken him out for a day out, provided a day of work earning lots of money, and has given him the green light to go and stay asleep his new GFs house this wknd and has even offered to drop him there. I asked ds whether dad has actually had a conversation with his GFS parents to check this is actually happening and that they're ok with it - of course he hasn't. Luckily I already have their number, as I had asked for it weeks ago. And I have sent them a message to ensure all is well - DS thought it was funny I am so thorough, but as I pointed out - they may be using her house as a starting point and sleeping god knows where! So I have to check.
Kids.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 03/10/2025 12:42

Agree with a pp that if his mental health is poor and he is behaving irrationally and dangerously around the children (which is is by using them in this way and saying these types of things) then SS do need to be involved to assess his capacity to have them in his care.. document everything, get the children to repeat what he has said and date times etc. This can’t continue so document everything incase you need to lean on it later! X

babyproblems · 03/10/2025 12:39

Keep the claim open.
Get him out of your kids’ life, especially your DD. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING he is adding to her life. Seek legal advice.
You really need to cut all ties with him imo - I cannot see any benefit of him being in any of your lives. He is toxic and abusive and by allowing him to be speaking to the children even, is very damaging for them. He shouldn’t be able to be saying these things to your children. I am amazed they are still in contact with him!
See a solicitor and I’d be considering court to restrict his access as much as possible. Do not engage with him; if he cannot be trusted to behave as a rational adult in your children’s’ presence, he doesn’t see them. End of. Best of luck to you xxx

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 03/10/2025 12:31

Goodness my typos are unreal (I was travelling at the time of writing): the text should have said "DS said dad asked why DD had blocked him. I replied to ds saying I told her to do so for the time being".

OP posts:
bombastix · 03/10/2025 12:03

Btw if you want to understand the psychology of this, it really looks like triangulation. Your ex needs three people to play his game. If he just has your son, and no information, he can’t play, particularly if your son knows very little. He can’t play either if his DD doesn’t respond. That leaves you as the only adult who he should deal with properly but won’t.

bombastix · 03/10/2025 11:50

Rainbows41 · 03/10/2025 08:36

The referrals have all come through, informing me that they have been received and DD is now on a long waiting list for help and counselling. I did already ask the school if they can offer DD one of their counselling sessions, as I suspected this might be the case, and wanted to get it all out (of her) rather than letting it fester in her mind for too long. So hopefully they will organise that soon.
Ds came to me and DD yesterday with a message from dad asked Ng what bdd had blocked him. I didn't wait for her to reply. I said that I had told her to drop this for the time being.
I asked ds to inform dad that he should msg me directly and not use him as a go-between as he will end up trying to drive a wedge between us with his messages if they continue. Ds adamantly said that he wouldn't allow that, which surprised me.
DD has been somewhat quiet since all of this with her dad happened, but she hasn't spoken about him since. After the mention of him earlier, she resumed singing afterwards, which was good to see.
School have been great and have given her opportunities to talk to them as and when she needs to. They've been very supportive.

What a piece of work your ex is. As predicted, he’s going to weaponize your son.

Unfortunately your son is already being conflicted by your ex’s actions which is deliberate. You were right; but don’t let your son be the defender of the family. That is not right either. You told him appropriately; don’t let him be made into an advocate.

Btw if you keep your cool on this it’s more than likely both his children will give up on him because of his games. Don’t play them. Or play him.

Good luck. Children do see who plays games; but it takes a while.

Lalaloope · 03/10/2025 08:52

@Rainbows41 OP I just want to say that you sound like a fantastic mum and person in general! You seem so emotionally intelligent, strong, wise, sensitive and considerate of everyone. I'm very happy for your children that they have you as one of their parents!

Your exhusband is the complete opposite of this and I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this with him. I haven't read all your replies but I picked both of these quotes from your OP and another post:

Your post:
I had told him last night that if he carries on with his coercive behaviour towards DD then I will get the police and ss involved and they will look closely at his mental health to decide whether he is actually fit to be around my DC's.

Another poster:
I'd be calling the emergency services if he was threatening suicide. I also would be supporting your DD not to see him and reduce her exposure to his horrible behaviour.

I'd be doing both if you haven't already. Keep going and don't stop the claim.

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 03/10/2025 08:36

The referrals have all come through, informing me that they have been received and DD is now on a long waiting list for help and counselling. I did already ask the school if they can offer DD one of their counselling sessions, as I suspected this might be the case, and wanted to get it all out (of her) rather than letting it fester in her mind for too long. So hopefully they will organise that soon.
Ds came to me and DD yesterday with a message from dad asked Ng what bdd had blocked him. I didn't wait for her to reply. I said that I had told her to drop this for the time being.
I asked ds to inform dad that he should msg me directly and not use him as a go-between as he will end up trying to drive a wedge between us with his messages if they continue. Ds adamantly said that he wouldn't allow that, which surprised me.
DD has been somewhat quiet since all of this with her dad happened, but she hasn't spoken about him since. After the mention of him earlier, she resumed singing afterwards, which was good to see.
School have been great and have given her opportunities to talk to them as and when she needs to. They've been very supportive.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/09/2025 19:46

Sorry OP the last part of my post got cut off somehow.. I think I was just saying I'm glad you are getting some support and have a plan in place.

bombastix · 25/09/2025 14:39

I’m sure you understand that this man is a bully but it seems very likely to me that he will get similarly unpleasant with your son when he does not get all the nice emotional game payoffs he likes; your son is likely to get pressure. The only way to protect him is to tell him very little, and your DD will have to take around her brother who may not enjoy being the focus of his dad like this. This will probably make him realise his dad is a bad person more than your words ever could

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 25/09/2025 14:18

You are right. Less is best right now. With ds still seeing his dad, I have asked him to be mindful of what DD is going through right now and to not relay anything back to his dad. He has agreed.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/09/2025 13:28

bombastix · 24/09/2025 14:27

Gosh I might not do what you suggest to your son. Keep the school and those actions away from him. He will either run to his father to tell him out of anger or concern, and his father will escalate.

I would stick with your judgment and your own voice. You do not need to justify what you do to your son.

What the school and the external support you have been given is very important. It is objective. If you went to court it would be seen as such.

Don’t mess that up by engaging your son on it now. I know you want him to see the bigger picture but the father will absolutely use it against and paint you as manipulative. You can say something like your sister needs some support or something generic. The father has PR, and in principle could make your life very difficult before these processes you’ve described have even started. Let it get going first.

I agree... he's in contact with his father and even a throw away comment could alert him and he could start questioning your son about your plans and reasons

Once its out there, its impossible to take back and could wreck the progress that you've made. Better to keep the ex in the dark as much as possible.

It does sound like your son could do with some counselling too.

Maybe showing him the messages his Dad sends to DD, the volume, or lack of them and how it upsets her and ask him if he thinks that's OK. Particularly the ones this morning. for example. Ask him it was kind for an adult to send DD a picture like that on her way to school - which reminds her that she is excluded... and let DS think it through for himself.

Or I'd also say roughly how much CMS he should have paid every month to support them both or for the last year or few years... Explain that the odd expensive present, say £100... its not really generous when he refuses to pay towards DS and DD keep and making life a bit more comfortable. It's a drop in the ocean. And he doesn't even give DD that. Tell him how it makes it very hard on you to make ends meet

You know better than I what to say, but I think something that steers towards "look at the behaviour"thinking points for him.. to consider Is it fair? Look at DD's upset at unequal treatment..and her age.. would he do that if he had two children? etc..

rather than outlining who is supporting you, what your plans are and so on which will just pre warn your unpleasant ex.

I'm glad

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 25/09/2025 10:07

femfemlicious · 25/09/2025 09:45

It's very unfortunate but at this rate, your son is probably going to behave like his father in the future. Its normalised to him. Its going to be very hard to change his mindset. Its a shame😔. Maybe get him therapy?. I hope he will engage.

With regards to your daughter and the cms, keep fighting the good fight. Show your daughter its important to stand up for yourself and not kowtow to an oppressive man. As a last resort, I would tell the ex that you will agree to stop the cms application when he agrees to set up a standing order for a set amount on a set day for child maintenance. If not, the application stands .

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
You misunderstand my point of taking him to CMS. I want nothing to do with him. You could argue that going through CMS is having something to do with him, but actually it's instilling an organisation to look into and maintaining any financial entitlement the children are rightfully entitled to.
As for negotiating with him, he is controlling, and no matter what's been previously agreed, he will make his feelings heard when he finds things difficult and will project them at me and his daughter.
I have taken control back. I will remain in control of that aspect. As the children grow into adulthood, they will make their own decisions.
Please don't write my son off so soon. He is young and impressionable. This is his home and is where the love continues to flow. It's warm and cosy and he has access to everything he needs. His dad offers chunks of money every now and then, which to a teenager is bound to widen their eyes. Ds will soon be old enough to be employed and will earn his own money, whereby his dad's measly efforts will no longer be appealing to ds.
Exp has prev attempted to dissuade DS from his chosen employment choices in favour of joining him in his self owned "business" . However, I have made DS wholly aware that he needs to aim for much higher and use him as a fall back option (if he has to).
Between me and you, I want ds to have nothing to do with exp's business as he is entirely unreliable, not to mention a very bad role model. He will use, abuse and squeeze the life out of anybody. I'm adamant my son will make his own path and stick with it.

Son will, in time, realise his dad's not as perfect as he once thought. The blinkers will fall off soon as he matures.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 25/09/2025 09:45

It's very unfortunate but at this rate, your son is probably going to behave like his father in the future. Its normalised to him. Its going to be very hard to change his mindset. Its a shame😔. Maybe get him therapy?. I hope he will engage.

With regards to your daughter and the cms, keep fighting the good fight. Show your daughter its important to stand up for yourself and not kowtow to an oppressive man. As a last resort, I would tell the ex that you will agree to stop the cms application when he agrees to set up a standing order for a set amount on a set day for child maintenance. If not, the application stands .

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 24/09/2025 18:40

bombastix · 24/09/2025 14:27

Gosh I might not do what you suggest to your son. Keep the school and those actions away from him. He will either run to his father to tell him out of anger or concern, and his father will escalate.

I would stick with your judgment and your own voice. You do not need to justify what you do to your son.

What the school and the external support you have been given is very important. It is objective. If you went to court it would be seen as such.

Don’t mess that up by engaging your son on it now. I know you want him to see the bigger picture but the father will absolutely use it against and paint you as manipulative. You can say something like your sister needs some support or something generic. The father has PR, and in principle could make your life very difficult before these processes you’ve described have even started. Let it get going first.

Thank you

OP posts:
bombastix · 24/09/2025 14:27

Gosh I might not do what you suggest to your son. Keep the school and those actions away from him. He will either run to his father to tell him out of anger or concern, and his father will escalate.

I would stick with your judgment and your own voice. You do not need to justify what you do to your son.

What the school and the external support you have been given is very important. It is objective. If you went to court it would be seen as such.

Don’t mess that up by engaging your son on it now. I know you want him to see the bigger picture but the father will absolutely use it against and paint you as manipulative. You can say something like your sister needs some support or something generic. The father has PR, and in principle could make your life very difficult before these processes you’ve described have even started. Let it get going first.

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 24/09/2025 13:16

BookArt55 · 24/09/2025 12:54

So happy to hear you have support, that will boost your own and your daughter's confidence in what you are doing is 100% right. Feel for you both.

On a slightly different note. Have you spoken to your son about this? I was wondering as my son is the 'favourite' and wondered if your son does see the difference in treatment, if he does see what his dad is doing is not okay.

Hope everything works out for you all.

I have been thinking about him too and whether he may be suffering from the effects of this abuse, but in a different way. I will talk to him tonight.
I also want to let him know what steps I have taken in supporting his sister.
Up until now, despite what's happened, ds said he doesn't see it as abuse - by all means he disagreed with the threats his dad made and agreed that they weren't acceptable, but he does think I should have just accepted what dad has said (rolled over if you like) and not have allowed it to blow up like this by standing up for myself and his sister (ie causing a fuss). I know this is his dads "reasoning" coming through in him and he is clearly seeing things from his dad's point of view. Which is not good. It sort of leans me to think he believes this behaviour has been explained away and is somewhat normalised. So, perhaps all this in itself is how the abuse is manifesting and presenting in him - in the opposite way of how it's effecting his sister.

When I talk to him tonight I want to make it clear that his sister's school have spoken to me and categorically told me in their own words it is abuse - before I could even explain that this is what I also believe. I will use this to back up and support my initial judgement in his dad's behaviour.
I will then explain to him that outside agencies will be preparing to take a close look at the relationship between them and their dad to monitor it. (I'm not sure what they will do exactly but I'm pretty sure it'll be something along those lines.)
I will make it clear that my job as his mother is to protect him from any harm, but when doing this, I am by no means aiming to turn him against his dad. That he will find some things about his dad unsettling to see and hear and that it's ok to feel that way about him.
I will explain I wish for them to continue a close happy relationship in the future but that right now it's clear he is going through something much deeper than this.
I just want him to realise his dad is projecting extremely abusive behaviour and it is damaging our mental health.
Ds clearly thinks this is a lot of fuss over nothing and doesn't really understand why it's all happened. I think it will be very hard for him to see his dad under a different light and maybe he doesn't want to, so I'm thinking counselling may be an idea for him too.

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 24/09/2025 12:54

So happy to hear you have support, that will boost your own and your daughter's confidence in what you are doing is 100% right. Feel for you both.

On a slightly different note. Have you spoken to your son about this? I was wondering as my son is the 'favourite' and wondered if your son does see the difference in treatment, if he does see what his dad is doing is not okay.

Hope everything works out for you all.

bombastix · 24/09/2025 11:29

@Rainbows41 I am really sorry to hear that. But also, I want to tell you that you are doing the right thing. The school is helping you and I would work with them.

You are right to be concerned as to your daughter’s mental health. The father here is really trying to undermine it. She is a proxy for you. A court would see it. My advice is that you get on with the application but firstly you must get some independent help; perhaps the school has a counsellor? Edit I see you have arranged this with the referrals, well done.

This is domestic abuse. This man is trying to split your family apart, but also the mental damage he is doing to your daughter is now clear. Speak to an experienced lawyer on this, because your ex is not going to be nice and will use the application to be even worse. You will carry this for your daughter and be better off in the end.

This man is a misogynist. You can’t tell the court that but believe me they see men like this all the time. Take courage.

On your son - doing the above will make matters very hard. But you have no choice. If there is evidence of domestic abuse and this got escalated via the school you would be expected to act protectively by social services and help your daughter. Your son may eventually become conflicted and have his own problems with his dad. Record all these cruel games, keep the messages.

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 24/09/2025 11:12

Good morning mumsnetters,
I am going to keep adding updates as a journal but also to help anyone else who may be going through something similar.
For me it wasn't something I had expected to happen, I certainly didn't see it coming and when I found myself and my daughter in this situation, I didn't know where to turn to initially and I felt somewhat helpeless. I didn't know whether my feelings were justified and if I was overreacting or not reacting enough and it's not something I wish anyone else to go through alone.
Upon the start of the new term, I wasn't sure whether to inform the school as I didn't know if I was overthinking it. I was also worried of minimising the situation if I didn't so I decided to think about it for now whilst conducting some research on the web.
Dd received some messages from her dad Monday morning which she didn't read but could see they included pics of her younger brother at her dads. I advised her not to read his messages and to read them with me when she returns home, as I didn't want him upsetting her just before school - although the fact that he hadrssagrd her had already upset her, I wanted to minimise any further upset. She went to school as normal. I received a phonecall from DD mid morning where she was extremely distressed. She wanted to come home. I spoke to a teacher she was with and DD had explained part of the situation to her.
I asked the teacher if she would help us, as clearly it has now started to deeply affect her.
She asked me to leave it with her.
DD has seemed ok since.
I rang the school this morning and had a conversation with the safeguarding lead there. I asked if they could advise me on what to do and who I should turn to about this. I explained I have culled all contact between DD and her dad and I would like her to receive some counselling.
I have given her permission to make two referrals; one to a domestic abuse organisation and one to the local authority in the form or a 'Front door' referral. Between them both, we should receive some guidance and help with how to cope without the this abuse if it reoccurs. And more importantly my daughter will be given some coping tools. She will also be given some counselling.
Aswell as providing this direct support, it puts on record what has been happening in terms of the abuse from exp, and should I wish to apply for a court order to prevent him from contacting either one of us in the future, it can support that too.

OP posts:
AlorsTimeForWine · 22/09/2025 21:34

You've had loads of good advice on here.

Question:
Where is your son in all this?

Why is he standing by and letting his sister (&mum) get treated like shit?
Is he comfortable taking money knowing his sister gets none? If so why?

At age 8 or 9 you.can work out a father paying nothing for his kids isnt the hallmark of a great dad...

Your exH sounds like he is trying to buy his son and your son sounds like he is happy.to be bought as it were...
Id be looking to try and get the children "on the same team"

BookArt55 · 22/09/2025 21:26

I think you've done a brilliant job, making the decision for her, wording it as a for now rather than permanent, giving her that break... honestly, hats off to you, you're really being a great parent and I am so happy that she has you in her corner.
So sorry to hear about her diagnosis. My ex is the same with my kid's health issues. The thing is, it doesn't affect him directly, so he doesn't really care.
Keep doing what you are doing, hope all the results come back positive, and i hope some time away from his drama means she can come to a healthy decision for herself and go low or no contact with him. She deserves better!

Original poster
Rainbows41 · 21/09/2025 22:14

BookArt55 · 21/09/2025 07:29

Please log this suicidal threats.
I agree with counselling for your daughter.
Maybe explaining to daughter that going no contact with dad would mean he couldn't make her feel guilty. She could get a new phone number, and have peace. I feel for you both, no wonder she is confused. I would inform school also, this will naturally be affecting her and again it puts it ok record if she does decide to go no contact.
Don't respond to him again, all it does is show him how to get to you and daughter, he won't stop, he will just continue to get that attention. Just report to SS, the police.
Coercive control- your daughter is living it right now. Suicidal threats is an obvious one. But all the other bits too. She needs help understanding this. Therapy needs to be with someone who understands this, not just any old therapist.
Feel for you both. My children are very young, but this is their future. Son is very much treated better than daughter. Cms was affecting his mental health too, everything is my fault, goes at the kids to get to me. So anything that supports your children please can you share over the coning month as I need to bank it away to support them in their teen years.
Wishing you and your family all the luck.

Thank you for your comment. It's sad that these men think they can treat people like this, especially children.
DD hasn't heard from him since. I have told her she is not to see him for the time being. I don't want to tell her she is absolutely not seeing him ever again because I have to be careful how I tread here, as she did absolutely love him. Yet, I can see with every outburst from him, she is devastated and it is causing her to see him in a different light - one that she doesn't like. She said when she hugged him as she was saying goodbye, she felt sick.
I explained to her that she had that feeling because he had been horrible and cold hearted and that it didn't sit right with her to be nice to him after being treated like that. She knew in her stomach his treatment wasn't right. I told her to trust her gut feeling - that sick feeling, and not to allow him to do that again. I told her because she is so young and vulnerable and I can see she is so upset and torn, that I am making that decision for her and I am not allowing her to see him for the time being, for her own mental health. I explained he isn't safe to be around and we aren't the people to fix him.
She hasn't contacted him since. I won't change her phone number as she has a lot of friends who have her number, so it would be awkward to change all that. Plus, her dad could easily get her new number from her brother.
Last time is messaged him was to give him the link and code of that parent app mentioned by another poster. But he hasn't responded. I never expected him to reply tbh, as he's a stubborn CF who likes to do things the awkward way - his way !
She had a hospital appointment last week after a diagnosis a few months back. He hasn't mentioned her diagnosis not once! Infact he accused of her faking her symptoms. Didn't ask how her appointment went - where she was diagnosed, and hasn't asked how her hosp appointment last week went either. She had to have a heart monitor for 24 hrs to rule some things out. It's shocking how intense he was over seemingly something so unimportant like a claim for money that wasn't taking a penny from him - the messages, voice notes, phone calls full of abusive language, threats and shouting. Yet something actually important such as her health - radio silence.
This is all being stored.
I pray she doesn't want to see him ever again. Once she has a long enough period of calm, she will not miss his moods and sucking the life out of her by his hateful behaviour.

OP posts:
IShouldNotCoco · 21/09/2025 09:47

Kavita12 · 18/09/2025 12:38

You need to take your emotions out of the equasion here and think about your daughter.
From what you are saying here, you want to continue your CMS claim to make your ex's life hard - it won't bring you any money, it's just to make him angry and provoke some kind of revenge. The rage is directed towards your daughter.
You say you don't really need the money.
Your daughter wants to continue to see dad. The immoral thing that you're trying to do here is to try to further sour the relationship and force your daughter to go NC with her dad because of the fight between you and ex.
It is for your daughter to make her decisions in the future and draw her own conclusions. By putting even more pressure on your ex (you know you won't get any money anyway, so it's just to spite him), you are making things even worse for her as things stand. He won't change and things will be even worse.

I know many ladies here have gone through some bad relationships and cheer you on, but you're really not giving your daughter any favours. She might hate you for this fight in the future, 'cause she might remember things differently.

Please explain why you feel that women are legally responsible for financially providing for their offspring but men are not.

IShouldNotCoco · 21/09/2025 09:44

A man who is claiming something as simple and fair as a CMS claim is affecting his MH has something to hide.

Do not have any contact with this pathetic, dead beat dad any more. And make him face his financial obligations and pay up to support the children that HE created.