To think my DHs little gambling habit is actually a massive problem

OP, you need to work out what he has spent/lost on gambling over the last 12 months.
If he accuses you of not trusting him, tell him no, at the moment you don't. Because after all the expense of a recent move, he just blew £200 on a football bet.

Your DH is of course minimising the issue, trying to normalise gambling £100s of pounds the family needs, and trying to make this your problem ie you're too controlling.

If you show him in black and white how much money he has wasted on gambling in the last year, he can't argue against that.
You could also work out how much you have spent on yourself over the same amount of time.

Freeze the joint account and make him set up a monthly transfer into your account for all bills/food etc.

Good luck OP 💐

This is a really good idea.

@Aaromroad If you separate finances, so that you each get your income paid into your own accounts, you will have a devil of a job to get him to pay over his fair share into the joint account.
Whereas this way, all income stays going into the joint account, but you then immediately transfer the "family" money for bills and shopping into a fourth account in your name only that he can't access. The residual in the joint is then the 'family fun money', which he WILL spend, but at least you know the essentials are safely covered.

Of course, this is only a temporary fix. As others have said, he will take out credit cards and loans to gamble, get into huge amounts of debt (tens and tens of thousands, as much as anyone will lend him), and the debit will be jointly yours because you are married.

Read that again: the debt will be jointly yours, because you are married.
Eventually you will have to sell the house to pay the debts, go into a rented home, and he might still be gambling.

Divorce him, even if you stay living together.

I'm so sorry OP. I get that this is a lot to deal with but for the sake of your DC you really need to.

If you are married it's not possible to separate your finances. You need to actually separate. Otherwise the debt is also yours.

Please follow up the resources that have been suggested to you and also speak to CAB and women's aid about what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent. He has made it clear that he has no intention of changing. If you want your DC to have a decent life then it's up to you.

You can't make him stop gambling just as you can't stop an alcoholic from drinking. They have to want it themselves and your husband doesn't want to stop. If you need to stay with him then you have to separate finances but I'm warning you he will take out credit cards And go into debt in order to gamble. The only thing you can do is to actually get divorced so that you are financially separated. You can still continue to live together if you want but at least you're not going to be liable for any of his debts.

Unfortunately as you're married you can't really separate your finances in the sense of protecting yourself from the consequences of his gambling and likely debts. You can open separate bank accounts and move money around, but the money in those accounts would still be regarded as joint marital assets.
I was in a similar situation and had to face the hard reality that the only way the DC and I could be financially secure was to divorce DH.

Is he online gambling or going into the bookies? If online then it will show exactly how much he has deposited and how much he has withdrawn and the total difference between the two. Insist on looking at this together and depending on the amount you can then decide if he is right, you are overreacting and aside from this £200 its only been small amounts that don't add up to much and his nett loss isn't a huge amount or more likely you are right and it's added up to a lot more than he realises and you are right to be concerned. If he refuses to do this then you have no choice but to separate finances at the bare minimum as it will not stop until he admits he has a problem or you decide actually it's just a hobby that doesn't cost as much as you thought.

You can also put a deposit limit on online accounts, a total loss limit (so say you agree that you can afford for him to lose £1000 over a year, once he hits that total in losses, not deposits, it won't allow him to place any more bets) bare in mind though that if it is as you suspect a real problem and an addiction, he can increase his limits at anytime (there's a 24hr cooling off period before the new limit applies and you have to agree again to increase it once the 24hrs have passed) and there are literally hundreds of online gambling sites so if he hits his limit with one he can open a new account on a different site in literally under 5 minutes and crack on. I'm adding this information as gambling addicts who are not ready to admit they have a problem may try to convince you they are in control as look honey I know my limits see...but they are a bunch of crap, the limits only work for none addicts who are in control and gambling is actually a hobby where they only bet what they can afford to lose, for an addict they are just an illusion of being in control.

Gamstop (i think its called) is supposed to block you from setting up any online accounts with any gambling websites but I'm not sure how it works and how effective it is.

If it's not online and in the bookies then honestly that's harder as you would need to check through bank statements and he could genuinely or otherwise have withdrawn that cash for when he went for drinks/a meal with his mate for example and it'll be much much harder to quantify and see clearly if there is as big an issue as you fear.

Im not sure how letting him keep his own earnings would help. Surely if all the money goes in one pot you at least know what's going on.

I'd say, ok, I'll be having the same amount then ... we need to just be fair about these things.

That's utterly outrageous. We have plenty of disposable income and savings /investments and I would be disgusted if DH bet that much.

If it's money you needed for food then to me he has a gambling problem.
Could you speak to Gamblers Anonymous?

I would definitely change the finances so you each have a tiny bit of "pocket money" for personal spends and then a joint account for food and bills etc

Unless you are very rich that’s an insane amount to bet in one night. DH and I are pretty comfortable financially and he bets on sports as a hobby, but it’s £10 once or twice a month. Ultimately you can’t trust your DH with money, and this problem is not going to go away. Separating finances is a first step, separating altogether is probably the eventual conclusion I’m afraid. You’re not the first person to tread this path, it doesn’t generally end well.

The red flag to me is you saying you moved for a fresh start. In Alcoholics Anonymous this is a well-known thing that addicts and partners do, and it’s called ‘doing a geographical’.

You took your problem with you. That problem is your husband.

Take steps now to safeguard the roof over your children’s heads. Addicts will take you down with them. Do not believe anything he says about money or gambling. You’ve been in a certain amount of denial yourself recently (not wanting to look at the true extent of the money going out) and now is the time to open your eyes.

That is a big bet!
I gamble a fair amount but it’s 20p bets on the horses, make use of free bets, etc. the most I put in is £5 a month but most of the time I’ve made that back.
Even when I go to the races in person, about 3 times a year, don’t gamble more than £50 in a day and feel like that is more than enough.

He’s in denial.

YANBU. I wouldn’t live with anyone who does that.

We make just under 300k gross and have 2 children under 4. In my marriage....

If my husband bet £200 on a football game or across the course of a month....
I'd be giving him an ultimatum: GA and no more gambling and I control all finances OR divorce

And I'd mean it.

It's the losses that he makes that are important not the magnitude of any individual bet.

If he bets big then sooner or later he must win big unless he is awful at gambling. Where does that money end up ?

I think £200 is a lot of money to spend on gambling especially if it was all lost.

To put things into context, earlier i was looking at very technical sleeping bags made of down, that packs down small for wild camping and weighs very little. This was something I have been agonising over but knew i would use in the years to come for i suppose a 'hobby'. It cost £200. I can afford it with absolute ease and i still deliberated for a ridiculous amount of time and reviewed lots of alternative options.

I ended a relationship with someone who gambled similar amounts to your partner. He said the same thing 'everyone does it'. I later learnt he filed for bankruptcy.

When gambling becomes a problem, it works like any other addiction. If someone questions your habits, then they clearly think it's an issue. If you're prepared to lie to yourself and others about it, and pretend it's nothing, then it genuinely is a problem.

As it seems understandably important, if you want to keep the appearance of joint finances but manage the risk of 'surprises', could you set up a new account in your name, migrate the debits into that, transfer enough money immediately on the payday(s) to cover bills and essential spending and some personal spending for you then the existing joint account becomes in practice the account for non-essentials. If there is a problem then this manages the consequences and in the short term it reduces the 'you don't trust me' conflict as there's still a joint account. Perhaps leave an unimportant debit or two in you can then pay if the money disappears on gambling. There's still a behavioural problem if he clears it out as it looks like his spent your discretionary expenditure so you still appear to have skin in the game rather than having an account he can think he can empty without consequences? Unsatisfactory but am just trying to grasp at straws to help. Good luck.

Kindly, moving house is not going to change an addiction, or disrespect within a relationship.

Quietly and calmly separate your finances and then take stock.

This does sound like an addiction - the minimising it as if it's nothing is a huge red flag.

My dp likes to have a bet on the horses - except it's probably been 4 times this year, never more than £25 spread over several horses and races. And he takes me to the bookies with him. This is one of the reasons I'm with him, the complete openness and honesty we have together.

I'd definitely be looking at separating finances. Have a joint bills account, and your own money. How would he react if you took £200 to do what you want with?

OP why would you think moving would solve your problems? Of course your problems are going to move with you unless they are nailed down in your previous location.

I suggest you get a grip on the extent of the gambling immediately and separate finances! My cleaner's husband got into gambling, he borrowed money to do it, got into debt and she's just had to sell her home in Portugal to cover the debts. It doesn't sound like your husband is anywhere near that level but I'd keep a very close eye on it. It can go downhill fast. Protect yourself and if you haven't already, don't have children with this man.

Tell him if it's no big deal you want an equal amount for your 'hobbies', every time he makes a bet you get to take out the same amount to spend how you like. If it leaves you short point out that he (and you) are using more money on hobbies than you can afford. You could just casually say I've taken £200 out of the account for a spa day, no big deal everyone does it. (You could just stash the money you take in another account.)

I realise this sounds dramatic, but that'd be a dealbreaker for me. I'd leave DH if he did that, or if I found out he'd set up a gambling account. I detest gambling, and any amount would be too much.

If it was just a hobby he'd bet £2