Husband not been paying tax for years

No -he is personally responsible for the debt. That’s clear. He’s had a payment plan for years!

he’s no longer a director as the company was liquidated some time ago

I agree - far too many holes in the story for this to be true.

If you are two people plus a single 21 year old living in an 8 bedroom house you can very easily solve this. Sell the house, Buy a 3 bed house outright and use the excess to pay off your debts. Get rid of the Porsche as well. I can't believe you were thinking of going to your sister or elderly parents to bail you out. You easily have the assets to bail yourselves out. Take responsibility, and stop living like you are Porsche and champagne earners when in reality you are VW Golf and prosecco earners.

Sounda like you all had a great run at it, spending large amounts of money, hubb financing it, you thinking everything is in order and spending on this and that. But really the lifestyle was bigger than the income. Fortunately you have assets and can downsize, pay everything back and live a life more in line with your actual affordability. Admitting you arent as well off as you thought you were and coming to terms with that will be a blow to yours and your husbands ego. But there is only so long you can bury your head in the sand.
It's just time to face reality!

My husband (as far as I was aware) paid tax via his business account which i don't have access to. Yes, I should have pushed to see this but I genuinely (until a year ago) thought anything was amiss.

As the Company Secretary you are liable for checking all of this and are as responsible as he was.

A CS has to make sure all the tax/ finances are in order. You would/should have had access to the accounts- that was YOUR JOB as CS.

In a small limited company, the company secretary primarily manages statutory and administrative duties on behalf of the directors, ensuring compliance with legal requirements. Key responsibilities include maintaining company records, filing necessary documents with Companies House (like annual confirmation statements), and organizing board and shareholder meetings. They also act as a point of contact, handle share transfers, and can sign legal documents on behalf of the company.

Key Responsibilities
Statutory Records:
Maintaining registers of directors, shareholders, and meeting minutes.

Companies House Filings:
Submitting the annual confirmation statement, updating details of changes to the company, and ensuring accurate information is filed on time.

Meeting Management:
Organizing director and shareholder meetings, preparing agendas, and recording minutes.

Share Management:
Managing share transfers, issuing new share certificates, and acting as the primary contact for shareholding matters.

Legal & Administrative Support:
Signing legal and financial documents, advising directors on legal and statutory requirements, and handling various other administrative tasks.

Did you ever actually do anything in that role?

None of this makes sense.

If he's still a limited company, they cannot take personal assets to pay the debt. I doubt very much (as a PP said, he's most likely been banned) this is the case. If they're knocking on your door, it's most likely he is personally responsible for the debt.

What a mess.
Also sad that after 30 years of being together, the communication and insight is very poor.
He has landed in the shit.

The money can be sorted. It will be painful, but it's totally doable - you have assets you can change to smaller/cheaper versions and raise the money that way.

The lying and stealing however - that's what would break me.

Highly likely he would’ve been banned although that does take time, it usually would’ve been done by now.

why is it very important?

I’ll go against the grain.

This doesn’t seem too difficult to solve. I wouldn’t despair op.

Sell your large house, downsize to a 3 bed estate type house. Swap your Porsche for a Skoda. I live in an estate house and drive a Skoda and I love my house and car. Both are lovely.

with the proceeds of the house sale, pay the tax man, give your son a flat deposit and get any shortfall on a mortgage.

Don’t bin your husband if you otherwise love him. Agree with him that he will only spend cash or whatever. Or only spend on one car that you monitor.

Is he still listed as a limited company, or is he now a sole trader? This is very important.

Dear God, I'm no wilting lily but I've clearly been sailing along blithely...he knows how outspoken i am. That's why he'll be shitting it.

I don't understand how you can be removed as the company secretary without some formal notification or signing.

Have you never looked at your own entry on Companies House? If you really were a CS your name, DOB etc would al be there as would updates on your resignation.

Do you know CH exists?

I would get divorced.

You are in debt - You dont work so your life is one big debt because you don’t contribute - SAHP to a 21 year old? Really?

You need to get a job!

You need to take control of the finances.

Sell everything not tied down.

Porsche? You can afford it.

He clearly IS like that. Or you are. Closing your eyes and ears while throwing money around and pretending ignorance when you used to work for an accountants and a solicitors, and thought you were Company secretary of your husbands business. You both have been living as fraudsters.

Downsize - pay off what is owed and pay back to your son's trust. If your son knows about how your husband has misused the trust fund it will lead to major resentment down the line. He also might have legal recourse against your husband depending on the nature of the trust. Then you can focus on rebuilding the trust in your marriage and a pension pot!

That's what I'd like to know. Having helped our older children access theirs once they turned 18 i know it's not a simple process AND you have to be the named person on the account to access it.

OP lots of posters are being judgemental, you don’t need to join them.

this happens to many, many people. Many of them didn’t set out to defraud anyone. Being self employed is pretty high risk: many perfectly normal morally upstanding people find themselves tempted by the tax money. HMRC are slow, so they think they’re getting away with it… it continues. Many normal people. For me, the reason I am not self employed is because I think im high risk of being one.

these are not bad people. Life is long and bumpy and people make mistakes.

The reason to divorce him would be that he has lied to OP repeatedly for years. He may still not be telling the full truth. How will she ever be able to trust him?

@Shitsinthepost77 I think there's a little jealousy sneaking into some of the replies you've had. I can only dream of your lifestyle but I certainly don't think you sound in anyway blasé about what's happened, nor ignorant of the seriousness of your situation.

Only you can decide if your marriage survives this or not, so I won't comment on that. Regardless, you still need to know the full picture- and maybe you'd only find out through the financial disclosures required by divorce courts?

Some very tough conversations ahead.

The national careers service (free) could help you with finding a new job - you're also probably well connected so you should absolutely be reaching out to your network of friends & acquaintances for an opportunity.

Has anyone mentioned Step Change yet? I might have missed it...Could help encourage your husband to be open about things.

I do think you need to read him the riot act tbh

You need to fully take over finances. Access to his business and private accounts, access to any debt, tax debts etc.
He's on a high wage so providing he can keep working it should be fixable.
Work out your minimum living costs and stick to that budget. See what amount they will allow to be repaid each month or whether you need to try to remortgage or take out a loan. Then repay whatever you have to do each month whilst tightly sticking to a budget, and get yourself a part time job until its over.

It's far from ideal, but personally I wouldn't let money ruin a relationship. He made a shit choice, but it sounds driven by shame and feeling like he "needed" to provide a certain amount combined with burying his head in the sand.
Once the debt is paid I would continue on the tight budget until the 30k is saved back up for DS.
Work out how long it will take, work out your budget and get fixing it then you can enjoy excess spending again after and put it behind you.
Realistically on 120k plus a part time wage from you this should be behind you within a couple of years. Treat it like a challenge in life and experiencing financial hardship which is many peoples day to day life with no end in sight, for you it will just make you appreciate your lifestyle together more after.

Earlier in the thread you said you thought you had 300k equity in the house with 100k outstanding on the mortgage. How much did you purchase your house for and how much is it worth now? Surely you must have known someone on a 130k salary couldn't afford a luxury lifestyle with an 8-bed house and a Porsche?

I don’t think you could ask your sister because you have an asset that you can sell to pay off the debt and possibly your son?

I'm afraid you will have to accept your quality of life is going to be worse but at least it will be honest.

if he is earning 130k you should be able to pull yourselves back - especially if you get a job too. Is he in employment now or still self employed?

Also lol at divorce asap…. About 5 months is the absolute soonest you can do that so not sure how that helps OP today 😂😭