Husband not been paying tax for years

I absolutely would divorce him. How can you ever trust him again? He's lied to you for years and years AND tried to turn it into your fault for him not being able to say no to you?? (which has zero to do with his business affairs). He will take you down with him if you don't leave. If your child can see it that says it all.

You need legal advice and a forensic accountant. Accept that moving forwards, you can't trust a word your husband says.

I can understand how terrifying it must be to you, but you CAN do it. UnMumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.

I would have trust issues also, but would find someone to talk it out with, professionally.

Maybe she did that bit of the marriage service which says for richer and for poorer?

No point divorcing somebody with no money, unless you have some of your own to protect. Also this is the man of your life and the father of your son. It sounds like he loves you. I think it’s worth finding out exactly what has happened and how before divorcing which is notoriously stressful.

Also get to the bottom of the money - ask to see all the records and find out how exactly is owed and what is the repayment schedule. Presumably he has to continue to pay tax, and it sounds like perhaps he hasn’t organised that properly. Find a tax expert - accountant or lawyer - and pay for some really good advice, and make sure you have seen all the papers and then tighten your belt. No extra spends - find some nice inexpensive hobbies.

I am assuming that you have spent some of that money and that your son has been well provided for - trust funds are extra. Why not let out the house and go abroad with your husband for five years? Might be an adventure.

Stick or leave - either way you need to engage with an accountant with full disclosure to get the final version out. Would it be classified as a marital debt? Going forward if you stay then the accountant needs to stay in place

You’d stay with a man who lied and stole 30k from his own child? Why? 🫣

I guess the practical solution is to sell the family home and downsize.

Your husband maybe has mental problems. Don't rush to divorce, rush to sort this out and...as other have asked ...how did he manage to get money out of a trust fund?

Once you said he earns £130k you lost my sympathy. I know someone worrying about how to feed her cat and pay rent on £10k per year.

Get down to your local retailers and ask for a job Or local school. Boarding school matron? Bursars assistant? M&S shelf sticker. Waitrose till manager. Etc. There are jobs. Find them. Urgently. So you have some of your own £££.
Get a therapist to sit down with you and husband and have a full reveal
Hire an accountant to review the finances and the HMRC demand AND to deal with HMRC
get the house valued
sit down with the accountant - or bank - to make a plan to sort out the debt and a plan going forward. Is DH still working? What changes will be made to make sure all future debts are avoided and all taxes are sorted in real time and accurately?

don’t just walk away until you have sat with a therapist with your DH and worked out what the hell is going on and whether this is something he and you can move beyond.

Only at that point should you walk away.

a close family relative lost everything in similar circumstances. The wife stuck by him. They downsized into a tiny rented house. She went back to work. He had a MH breakdown and ended driving a white van and ended his working days as an admin assistant in a local prison.

note: a tax debt can build if you (ie your DH) stick head in sand and ignore. The interest and penalties on late paid tax are punitive and HUGE.

YOU need an accountant to explain to you what has happened. So you can understand it.

you need to check the trust terms. Is your son owed anything? Or really was this a diversion of parental funds that should have been used to pay the tax man? Harsh reality but don’t put yourselves at a disadvantage “just” to give your son some money. The

@Shitsinthepost77 I don't think I could come back from the lying nor the theft from your DS. If someone has lied to me that much, I wouldn't be able to trust them to tell me what day of the week it is, let alone life issues.

I hope you can somehow, save yourself and your DS without losing everything.

The fact that he continued to lie, even about how much the lawyer wrangled down the amount owed, is just mind-blowing. How much, exactly, has he paid off? I don't want to know, but you need to know and have proof of it. For your sake (and your son's).

Are you even sure he is telling the truth now? I would want to see all the papers and talk to the lawyer. Then divorce his sorry azz.

I am so sorry that he did this to you.

There are so many people on here saying leave him. I don’t agree I’m a similar age and also have been married over 30 years if my husband created this situation I wouldn’t just stop loving him, we’d work through it together and take things from there. Good luck to you all and I hope your future is filled with peace.

Well you need to sit down and work it all out, see if you can find any paperwork or figures. Sounds like you wouldn't leave him under any circumstances but you need to find a way to give your son that money too in your calculations - I couldn't get past that bit. If you were company secretary I assume you saw the accounts at some point and were able to understand them?

Many of my friends have marriages with all sorts of issues that they couldn't possibly leave as they'd have less money, don't want to be alone etc. and you sound like one of them. With bells on!

yes. Its a difficult time emotionally but before Get immediate professional advice on how to safeguard what you do have left for yourself and your son so it can't all go towards his company debts.

Also I think I'd be asking him to show you accounts... so that you have the full picture.

These are my thoughts too. My DH earns 130k but no way could I afford to not work for decades and have a trust fund for DC. It's a good wage but not megabucks, not unless you're living carefully in a cheap part of the country, which very much sounds like it's not been the case.

Obviously it's more take home money if there's no tax being paid on it, but still, feels like OP has buried her head in the sand too and enjoyed the lifestyle which didn't stack up with the income. Vital thing now is to get head fully out the sand and realise this isn't just about tax debt, the DH is a massive serial liar who's continued to lie despite having the chance to come clean a year ago and has stolen from his child. I wouldn't be so sure he's not got another woman (or whole family) in Aberdeen - happens a lot more than you'd think to the people you'd least suspect - especially as the marriage hasn't been physical in years and he's not blowing all this money on nothing. You have to face the fact, OP, that you do not know who he really is. He is not the man you think he is. He's a proven liar and that means you can't trust anything he tells you from now. Tough, but true. Listen to your DS, see your own lawyer and start wising up and prioritising your own security and future. Don't give up on getting a job either. You need one.

@Shitsinthepost77 I am in absolutely no way dismissing or excusing what he has done but I have been the person hiding debts from my DH. It came out a couple of times where I promised I had told him everything and did my best to fix things. Each time it would spiral again. Honestly I am surprised he didn't leave me.

It was an awful awful time, I felt sick constantly, I was always looking over my shoulder, stalking the post man etc. No idea how I didn't have a break down. I have never lied about anything else and this was the worst part. It started out as protected my DH from the stress, then once it esculated I just didn't know how to / couldn't bring myself to start explaining.

None of this reflected on my love for my DH, in fact it was because I felt like I had let him down so much that I couldn't get myself out of the situation.

All that said, we have only been able to move forward when I was 100% honest with him, all the finances became 100% joint (they were always on paper, but he didnt have log ons or check etc because he thought I was in control of it all). We regularly review all accounts, and incomings / outgoings together. We are about fours years down the line now from the day we moved to the system and have just about sorted out our debts and hoping to rebuy a house in the next 12 months or so.

Oh OP what a horrible situation to wake up and find yourself in, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

How on earth do I deal with this without knowing whether he's lying or not?

The problem is, that's how you're going to feel about everything from now on. I'm so sorry. This is such a mind-blowing betrayal of trust, and what is a relationship without trust?

As company secretary you had a responsibility to get involved in the company accounts, removing you now might not make a difference,yearly accounts should have been prepared, maybe look at companies house to see if they publish the accounts

Well, she can leave him if she wants but it’s not as if she can live for a day on her own really. She has never really worked and has been living a sort of lifestyle which she’s used to and can’t afford:
It’s not on that he’s been lying to you and it’ll be hard for you to trust him. However, at this point, all you can do is have a reset and see how you can sort this out. You need to get a job too cos burying your head in the sand is not going to work. Ask how he’s planning to sort this, if he has to take a high paying job abroad to do this then so be it. You can’t also keep living beyond your means. If you have to sell the house to pay the tax man and your son and buy a smaller house in a less desirable place one then so be it. You just can’t fold your hands here and watch.

You need a shit hot lawyer to get to the bottom of this and extricate you as well as possible from this mess. You have to stop being so passive, this dishonest, selfish man has fucked you and your son over royally. As Company Secretary you should have been on the ball, but you were too trusting and now it's come back to bite you.

You will need to get a job and make the best of it. It's better than spending the rest of your life wondering what your idiot of a husband has messed up now. Don't ever allow yourself to become so dependent again.

He hasn't really ruined the son's future. If he had been paying appropriate amounts of tax, in all likelihood they wouldn't have been able to have a trust fund for him. My adult kids didn't have trust funds and they have and are doing well for themselves. It was never real. He never should have had money in a trust fund.

Of course he is a fraud and an idiot.

Pay your tax - this country is on its arse because of people who don’t. In your position I would liquidate assets to pay the debt, then buy a flat with any remaining capital.

you haven’t helped the situation. Your son is 21 and you haven’t worked since he was a baby. I’m sorry but retail calls out for people always. Don’t use the whole I haven’t worked for ages excuse. It’s an excuse as loads of places look for people even if it’s summer job / seasonal job etc . You need to sell your house and pay the tax back. And your son. Your husband is a con man and you are right you’ve lived a pampered princess life. Now it’s time to sort it out.

I have a friend who didn’t pay tax or VAT and he lost his house and was forced into bankruptcy. No I can’t guarantee that it will happen, of course not, but they won’t let it go and the money will need to be paid.

He probably thought he could get away with it - lots of people do.