Husband not been paying tax for years

So many stay-at-home women on MN who find themselves in a predicament like you OP say that they’re “lucky” or “fortunate” not to have needed to work.

I think the same as you. I shudder at their situation. Not lucky at all.

I hope he returns this evening with a solid plan and evidence that he has taken steps to sort this out, if he doesn't then I would take it as a sign that he's going to carry on ignoring it all.

I wouldn't necessarily leave him at this point, but I would want a forensic analysis of who owns and owes what. He's not been honest up until now and the OP is not well versed in their financial situation, so it's a huge step up for both of them in different ways. But without that clear picture, no decisions can be made about anything. Does the husband need professional financial advice to be able to even figure that out for himself, let alone be honest about it?
My aim would be to protect the son and whatever assets (personal ones, e.g. house) are left.
Women should never, ever, let the husband control the money and allow themselves to remain in the dark. It has to be joint. I can't understand women who absolve themselves of that simple adult responsibility.

Of course you need to pay money for taxes back, but if it is a LTD company, the bailiffs can't take your personal things (which are not bought through the company) toward the debt, so at least your house and all inside it plus the car (it's on your name, right?) should be safe.

That's exactly what I wanted to say after reading the post. You're right to say it's not the OP's fault or responsibility. However, this is the time to see whether we mean it when we try to prevent men's suicides, or whether the whole, "Come on, guys, just talk!" thing is, ironically, just talk. The guy's fucked up badly; he's not the first, he won't be the last, but he does deserve some care. Given that the only point of contact is the OP, in her shoes I might do something like alert his friends and tell them they need to give him some serious emotional support.

I’m sorry but he’s a gambler. Until he admits that it won’t get better because he’ll keep gambling in the hope of the ‘big win’ which will solve all the money issues but that’ll never happen.

That’s the least of your problems! 🙄

I don't think I can contribute anything useful to this thread sadly.

However I will say OP, whether you remain with this man or whether you move on (and potentially meet someone else), please never, ever, EVER allow yourself to be in such a vulnerable position financially again.

Make sure you have access to bank accounts, credit cards, credit check websites (Experian etc). Have your own account with money in it. And most importantly, get a job!!! Any job. You now have first hand experience of the situation you can end up in when you allow someone else to take complete responsibility of your financial life.

Op with respect you need to stop going over this, and get some proper legal advice. You could be very exposed. Your dh could be charged with fraud, and so could you if you have been implicated. He has stolen from his own child!

This is deeply serious territory and now is not the moment to be ruminating. You have plenty of time for that, you need to lock down what assets you have and check you are not in any way involved in this shit storm. He is a dishonest and deceitful man, and may still be lying to you.

I couldn't be married to a man I could not trust. Your DH is a liar and a fraudster. He stole from your own son. I'd divorce asap and erase him from my life. Think carefully if you stay with your DH you could lose your DS. DS sees the chaos his Dad has brought to your lives.

Try a temp agency - you may find shifts in cleaning or caring work, which might feel like a come down, but it's a step up back into employment/financial independence.

Yes. I could not forgive somebody whose intentional lies and poor decision-making affected the future of my child. No way.

Nonsense. Why would you not know what your income and outgoings are? You have an obligation to yourself and your children to take some responsibility. That’s what’s going on when he says he can’t say no to her. Expenditure.

Sounds like you’ve mainly let him do the adulting whilst enjoying quite an easy life, or is that unfair?

If you were removed as Company Secretary how come you didn’t notice? Didn’t you try to fulfil your responsibilities?

I think you need to help support him not judge him. You’re screwed on your own - you’re unemployable, don’t seem to have a clue what your financial position is as a household (do you have a pension?)

Ultimately your Dh provided the trust fund - your ds isn’t entitled to it, you’ve not done anything to contribute to it. If you had worked and taken an interest in the finances of the home you may not have landed in this situation.

Surely when he took you off the company as secreteray you signed something? Were you aware of this happening? Did you question it?
Also, as a pp said, I would question the monthly meetings in Aberdeen. Nobody needs to traver anywhere to meat people nowadays, it can be done via zoom. Were the debt collectors genuine? Could he have another family somewhere?

OP, you need to be angry. Be strong. I wish you all the best

Why are you so sure of this?

What have you both spent the money on ? That's a huge amount not to have some sellable assets somewhere?

I couldn't stay with a man who lied and stole from a child.

You've become reliant on him with no independent financial safety net - women should always earn their own money.

I hope you find a job but the market is super tough, you might get lucky with some part time hours but there was no reason at all why you couldn't have worked previously.

I don't think this is completely unsalvageable in terms of your relationship, however it is of course between you and your H, not us.

What I would do is first, see a tax lawyer (as a couple) and get a handle on what has happened, how much is owed, and whether this is correct.

Once you have ascertained for certain the amount owing, talk to HMRC about ways to pay, payment plans etc.

Then, sell the house. Find a small, cheap place to rent. Use the funds from the sale to first repay HMRC and then make good your son's trust fund.

At this point, if you've stayed together, you can use whatever funds you have left to look for a new house to buy.

Well done - to you and your husband. That must have been a tough job and it reflects so well on you both that you found a way to make it work. Hope you get your new house.

This isn't about money, it's about trust and theft.

A forensic accountant last time I used one in 2002 cost eight grand just to give you some context.

I feel like this is what she did a year ago (apart from moving abroad, thank god) and it was meant to fix it, but failed because he kept on lying and spending and stealing. So while it's wise advice if she'd just found out the original debt, I feel like he'd 'get away with it' again and nothing would really change. There is more going on that he seems incapable of being straight about, his instinct is to blame OP rather than take responsibility. It's like with couples therapy where it won't work with an abuser, trying to get to the bottom of it with a liar is destined to fail.

I don't have much either. I find it so hard to believe that the OP had no idea what was going on financially. Not least didn't take any interest in her responsibilities as Company Secretary. The whole story especially where the sons trust fund was raided sounds very strange.

It sounds like there's a good element of living beyond their means aided by expectation.

Sounds like you have been living way beyond your means and he’s struggled to keep up with the facade.