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Original poster

Husband not been paying tax for years

588 replies

Shitsinthepost77 · 18/09/2025 09:41

I'm so worried and scared. Over a year ago two debt collectors came to our door and handed me a letter addressed to my husband. I opened it and it said we owed approx £500k to the taxman. I nearly collapsed.

When my husband came home I confronted him and he basically broke down saying he hadn't been paying tax on his Ltd company for about 5 years. He'd liquidised his company without my knowledge and taken me off as Company Secretary presumably so I wouldn't find out and to extricate me from any financial liability. We had to get a tax lawyer to negotiate on our behalf with the debt collectors and after many months of wrangling, my husband told me it was £64k we owed which we could put our savings towards and also set up a direct debit and pay the rest monthly.

Fast forward a year, I had two debt collectors standing at my front door. It turns out my husband has been lying about the amount owed...it's in actual fact £150k. I'm horrified, my heart's racing as I'm writing this. He told me over the phone he'd used £30k of our son's trust fund money towards it. He told me he's incapable of saying no to me (?!) and he knows he's got emotional problems.

I don't understand any of this...I'm in my 50s, yes, I like nice things (who doesn't) but never overspent in terms of the money that's in our account and was surplus after all bills are paid. He didn't come home last night, he's too ashamed and embarrassed and keeps telling me he's no good and I deserve better. I've been with this man for over 30 years and can't imagine life without him, although I massively resent him at this point.

I found out he'd taken his watch (a present for his 50th) to a pawnbroker to get a £1,500 per loan against the watch. He said it was to pay off the rest owed to the tax lawyer. I asked (shouted) why the hell did he not come to me as I'd managed to put some money aside. Again, he was too embarrassed and said he just wanted it sorted and out the way. I ended up giving him over £2k to get the watch back.

I'm worried sick. How on earth do I deal with this without knowing whether he's lying or not? I don't have access to his business account because I'm not company secretary. I have access to everything else (I think?).

I'm mostly disgusted at my son's trust fund. He's 21, and it was meant to be for a down payment on a flat at some point. Now there's nothing. My son's now aware of this and thinks I should leave his dad as he can't be trusted. What do you think? Any advice would be extremely welcome.

OP posts:
Ticktockwatchclock · 18/09/2025 12:04

How much is your house worth? You should sell it and either buy or rent a small two bedroom house or flat and use the equity to pay off the debt.
Tax evasion is one of the reasons this country is in so much trouble but it’s those with disabilities who are threatened with having their benefits cut and paying the price for people not paying their correct amount of tax. If you choose to stay with him after every thing he has done and every lie he has told, then you must shoulder the debt with him and live as many of us do, a frugal existence but with the dignity of not owing anyone anything.

Millionsofmonkeys · 18/09/2025 12:03

Comefromaway · 18/09/2025 11:50

All 21 year olds have a trust fund. The government set it up. We never paid any more into ours but even paying a small amount in each year means it ocul dbuild up. Maybe not the the level of OP's son but a few thousand nevertheless.

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Ok fair enough - but the child trust fund accounts cannot be accessed by parents once the YP is 18 (this has caused issues and hassle to those whose YP has turned out to have LD) so I assumed it must be a private trust fund. And the father took 30k OF the trust fund which suggests the fund was pretty large - and it was built on funds stolen from the tax payer by the sound of it.

Crikeyalmighty · 18/09/2025 12:03

I do understand this situation OP , except for us it was the reverse . Like your H I found it hard to say no to my somewhat ‘champagne lifestyle H’ and in all honesty what we had was via his efforts mainly although I did work full time and business was in my name . I am a chronic people pleaser and my H reacted badly when I ever made suggestions about having a lesser house or not having 4 hols ( not flash ones) every year. I think your H was very wrong but clearly cares and I think he was hiding stuff because it’s clear you were struggling if addicted - once you get behind on tax , it can be very hard to catch up and you kind of bury your head in the sand. I think you have to have been there - it kind of mushrooms and is made worse if you have a partner you are tied to financially who is also making demands/has issues

i think people are being very black and white and you have a bit of responsibility too as you must have known your level of spending on medication wasn’t sustainable - however what’s done is done so no point going there

with regards to business, you need to know what they are coming after - if it was a limited company and liquidated was it done via a CVL or did HMRC ‘wind him up’ ? - if it was a CVL it may be they are after his directors loan which he may have used to pay himself because essentially it’s money he was taking out the company over and above what he was entitled to if he had allowed for tax - if he was wound up’ the official receiver will assess and again go after a directors loan and yes if you don’t pay up they can bancrupt and force house sale. However you can often negotiate with the official receiver - I wonder if that’s what he did - hence the reduction , but has yet to come up with the readies because he’s been trying to find a way to broach it with you

on the other hand it may relate to personal tax, in which case you are going to have to remortgage or sell or go bancrupt ( In which case they can still go after the house) I’m not sure if an IVA would be feasible, that usually saves house but would be whacking payments

you do need to toughen up a bit, if he has to work away, so what, try and get yourself a job , any job and if he’s away you will get some headspace too - your son is learning a life lesson - you simply were not in the trust fund league and it was built on sand

wishing you well - there are ways through this, none are easy

PlaceIntheClouds · 18/09/2025 12:03

Just how many 'nice things' have you been wanting? It sounds like he has decided not to pay his tax obligations to fund your lifestyle.

Tubestrike · 18/09/2025 12:03

Mouss · 18/09/2025 12:00

Maybe he got into a mess and couldn't find a way out, and cannot bear the shame of failure. I feel, you should be helping him not jumping ship.

Difficult to help him when he's buggered off and not come home.

Harassedevictee · 18/09/2025 12:03

Shitsinthepost77 · 18/09/2025 11:36

Thanks guys, I understand completely what you mean. Money was always paid into a joint account for food, surplus stuff like clothing etc. We have a separate account where all our bills come out. I've never had access to his business account. I obviously know why now. The house is in joint names.

It was actually me that had an addiction to prescription pills when I broke my leg over 12 years ago...when I asked the doctor for help because I knew I was taking too many pills (a lot of emotional pain from estrangement from my sister and dad) but because I always felt a bit crap about myself, although outwardly i would appear to be bubbly and confident. The pills gave me confidence...false as it was. The doctor refused to help and I ended up going online and buying pills from UK prescribing pharmacies. I was spending between £1-1.5k a month at that point to feed my addiction. It's a horrendous place to be. I'm not now and haven't been for the last 6 years. My husband was very understanding but terrified because I was taking beyond fatal doses on a daily basis. I managed to come off the pills by going to rehab. My mum gave me the money although it was a gift at the time and she didn't know about my addiction. My husband did his best trying to taper me off but it never worked. I could never stick to it. He's honestly so kind and helpful in many ways but I know he is a tax evader but I genuinely feel he just wanted to give us a good life. And it became unmanageable. I think this stems from that time period and of course HMRC and the debt collectors they instructed lump on fees and charges. The whole amount still to be paid is £150k. I'm really trying to be pragmatic and realistic about this. He's told me he will do anything to sort the situation out. But there's no way we can pay this off without remortgaging. Savings are all gone. I can't turn to family. My elderly mum needs her savings and my sister has always appeared to be resentful of me it would appear. She always said in the past, 'you may have the looks but I've got the brains'. A lot of bitterness there and she's always treated me horrendously ie 'shut up trollop' etc etc. Or blonde bimbo....

@Shitsinthepost77 this does put a different perspective on everything.

You and your DH need to have a series of really honest conversation, possibly with a counsellor or accountant to tease out exactly what debts you have and to draw up a reasonable budget. He can’t protect you from the truth because of your past and you can’t avoid facing up to going back to work. You need to be a partnership to resolve this.

You admit to having a nice lifestyle and not having worked, this has to change. The one practical thing you can do today is to review your household bills for the last 12 months - work out essentials e.g. mortgage, gas, council tax, insurance and non-essentials. This helps you to draw up a realistic budget going forward. 12 months takes into account annual payments such as insurance. You will need to review birthday and Christmas presents as well as holidays etc. understanding the minimum you need to live on allows you to work out how much you can pay towards the HMRC debt.

You are going to have to work - start by going to your local job centre and find out what back to work training they offer. Local Adult Education will have IT courses to upskill you, potentially free.

I am also going to suggest something slightly controversial - your husband works for his own company is their a proper job in the company you could do, even part time? You would be paid for the hours you genuinely work contributing to family income and gaining confidence and experience for your CV.

Mouss · 18/09/2025 12:00

Maybe he got into a mess and couldn't find a way out, and cannot bear the shame of failure. I feel, you should be helping him not jumping ship.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/09/2025 11:59

Starlight1984 · 18/09/2025 11:47

I agree. My worst nightmare. Genuinely.

Although I was brought up by a hard working single mum who drilled into me the importance of having my own job, my own money and never relying on anyone else.

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Absolutely. It’s terrifying how many women just let a man handle everything and have no financial independence or ability to support themselves when the shit hits the fan.

WorstInvite · 18/09/2025 11:57

Starlight1984 · 18/09/2025 11:47

I agree. My worst nightmare. Genuinely.

Although I was brought up by a hard working single mum who drilled into me the importance of having my own job, my own money and never relying on anyone else.

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I have drummed this message into my young adult son and daughter. Fortunately, they both agree completely.

Homegrownberries · 18/09/2025 11:57

Yabu for not knowing whether he's lying.

You have to leave him. You can't trust anything he says.

SilverCamellia · 18/09/2025 11:57

He is a liar and a tax evader but the OP has to take a bit of responsibility. Even a wife who doesn't work should take an interest in financial matters. And spending 1-1.5k a month on medication is ridiculous. Reading between the lines it sounds like she has been a big spender - burying her head in the sand as to where the money came from.

Mouss · 18/09/2025 11:54

You've lived an easy life being a SAHM to one child all your life. You need to bear some of the responsibility for this mess

N0Tfunny · 18/09/2025 11:51

Whatachliche · 18/09/2025 10:13

tax problem aside, HUGE red flags across this.

he is lying to you about major life changing financial decisions.

he has no problem to put your financial future at risk.

he thinks he is above the rules when he decides he not to pay tax.

he has a poor me victim attitude, but only when he is caught out.

he is trying turn his failings on you by saying he cant say no to you. what he is trying to establish here is that the situation is indirectly your fault.

he expects you to mind read. he wants you to know how much to spend without telling you what there is to spend.

he ‘breaks down’ instead if taking accountability.

he treats a problem he has created like it came out if the blue, which is akin to the thinking id a child.

he is happy to put you at the center of his problem whilst he avoids accountability by being somewhere unknown right now.

he is content with adding uncertainty to your already (thanks to him) full plate. by not coming home he is manipulating you into worrying about him instead of being rightfully angry at him.

your language reveals that you are used to clean up his messes:
he did…we had to pay a tax layer
he did…we had to take it from our savings
he did…our son lost his trust fund
he is applying the same rule to your son, he messes up and it is your sons duty to literally pay for it.

all of this translate to:

•no empathy for others
•avoids accountability on a large scale
•pathological level of lying
•victim mentality by shifting blame to you
•ignores known consequences (he knows he has to pay tax)
•is content for the consequences of his doing to ruin your and your sons life

my ex had the same traits and turns out he is a covert narcissist. you should read up on the victim mentality of a covert narcissist.

your son is correct: divorce, salvage what you can, run for the hills.

Edited

This is an excellent post, please read it very carefully Op. I was married to ( and in business with ) a man just like your Hisband . Over the years we were together I scrimped and scraped as we weren’t making much profit .

When the shit hit the fan and I found out he was cheating, I divorced him. It turned out he had taken £600,000 out of company and given it to his mistress and out some in gold. We owe so much to HMRC and another party, even 3 years post divorce I will end up losing my house over it.

Don’t believe a word your husband says, or the tears. Divorce him now. Ask for all the full compant accounts going back since yYOU married and take them to an acountant. The full accounts not just the summary you can see online .

Ask him for access to the company banking system online.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/09/2025 11:50

KTheGrey · 18/09/2025 11:19

Maybe she did that bit of the marriage service which says for richer and for poorer?

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Yes, but not through theft, lies and tax evasion 🤣

Comefromaway · 18/09/2025 11:50

Millionsofmonkeys · 18/09/2025 11:07

He hasn't really ruined the son's future. If he had been paying appropriate amounts of tax, in all likelihood they wouldn't have been able to have a trust fund for him. My adult kids didn't have trust funds and they have and are doing well for themselves. It was never real. He never should have had money in a trust fund.

Of course he is a fraud and an idiot.

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All 21 year olds have a trust fund. The government set it up. We never paid any more into ours but even paying a small amount in each year means it ocul dbuild up. Maybe not the the level of OP's son but a few thousand nevertheless.

whitewineandsun · 18/09/2025 11:49

KTheGrey · 18/09/2025 11:19

Maybe she did that bit of the marriage service which says for richer and for poorer?

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He's only poorer (potentially) because he's a liar and doesn't pay tax.

LochSunart · 18/09/2025 11:48

InterestedDad37 · 18/09/2025 11:43

Yes, I'd agree with you. Without going into detail, I've personally been at that lowest point a couple of times (some years ago, I'm a happy bunny these days) and sadly three male friends and one female have taken that final step.
So yes, he needs support too, sorry if my post came across as a bit callous 🙏

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It didn't at all.

Starlight1984 · 18/09/2025 11:47

WorstInvite · 18/09/2025 11:40

So many stay-at-home women on MN who find themselves in a predicament like you OP say that they’re “lucky” or “fortunate” not to have needed to work.

I think the same as you. I shudder at their situation. Not lucky at all.

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I agree. My worst nightmare. Genuinely.

Although I was brought up by a hard working single mum who drilled into me the importance of having my own job, my own money and never relying on anyone else.

sunshine244 · 18/09/2025 11:44

LochSunart · 18/09/2025 11:37

That's exactly what I wanted to say after reading the post. You're right to say it's not the OP's fault or responsibility. However, this is the time to see whether we mean it when we try to prevent men's suicides, or whether the whole, "Come on, guys, just talk!" thing is, ironically, just talk. The guy's fucked up badly; he's not the first, he won't be the last, but he does deserve some care. Given that the only point of contact is the OP, in her shoes I might do something like alert his friends and tell them they need to give him some serious emotional support.

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It's a tricky one,.because threatening suicide is also a well known pattern of abuse. My ex used to do this to control me, and it was only when I escaped the relationship and spoke to womens aid that I learned it is common for tactic to control women.

However, if its unusual for him to say things like this you do need to take it really seriously. Theres great advice online abojt helping people make safety plans if they feel suicidal. Also encourage him to visit GP or get counseling.

Wishitsnows · 18/09/2025 11:44

£150k is manageable to be paid off. However you need to get a job too and both stop burying your heads in the sand.

GreatWhiteWail · 18/09/2025 11:44

3456DDF · 18/09/2025 10:39

He said if was dead I'd get half a million but I don't want him to kill himself.

There it is.

He has already put the thought of his suicide into your brain to keep you "on side". Dont fall for it. It is a controlling method men use to keep us fearful.

When actually for a lot of us, it would be a blessed relief

Life insurance won't pay out for suicide, if that's his or anyone else's line of thinking.

KnickerlessParsons · 18/09/2025 11:43

PinkFrogss · 18/09/2025 09:50

To owe that amount of tax he must have been making a lot of money. I’d be wanting to know exactly where that’s gone, gambling or another addiction?

This ^

Espressosummer · 18/09/2025 11:43

He needs to stop lying and hiding and he needs to show you everything in terms of his account with hmrc and any legal letters. He needs to come up with a plan.

Given your latest update, I actually don't think divorce should be jumped to. Your son who suggested divorce, does he know about your 6 year drug addiction? Does he know about the c.100k you spent on it all while not working? Surely that spend put a massive burden on your husband plus the emotional toll of being in a relationship with an addict. Your husband stuck by you then.

InterestedDad37 · 18/09/2025 11:43

LochSunart · 18/09/2025 11:37

That's exactly what I wanted to say after reading the post. You're right to say it's not the OP's fault or responsibility. However, this is the time to see whether we mean it when we try to prevent men's suicides, or whether the whole, "Come on, guys, just talk!" thing is, ironically, just talk. The guy's fucked up badly; he's not the first, he won't be the last, but he does deserve some care. Given that the only point of contact is the OP, in her shoes I might do something like alert his friends and tell them they need to give him some serious emotional support.

Show quote history

Yes, I'd agree with you. Without going into detail, I've personally been at that lowest point a couple of times (some years ago, I'm a happy bunny these days) and sadly three male friends and one female have taken that final step.
So yes, he needs support too, sorry if my post came across as a bit callous 🙏

NimbleDreamer · 18/09/2025 11:40

I couldn't stay after this. He'd be lucky to not end up in prison and leave you with absolutely nothing.

I'd be looking for work ASAP and seeking legal advice about how you can protect yourself going forward but be prepared for the taxman to take all of your assets just in case.

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