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Original poster

Husband not been paying tax for years

588 replies

Shitsinthepost77 · 18/09/2025 09:41

I'm so worried and scared. Over a year ago two debt collectors came to our door and handed me a letter addressed to my husband. I opened it and it said we owed approx £500k to the taxman. I nearly collapsed.

When my husband came home I confronted him and he basically broke down saying he hadn't been paying tax on his Ltd company for about 5 years. He'd liquidised his company without my knowledge and taken me off as Company Secretary presumably so I wouldn't find out and to extricate me from any financial liability. We had to get a tax lawyer to negotiate on our behalf with the debt collectors and after many months of wrangling, my husband told me it was £64k we owed which we could put our savings towards and also set up a direct debit and pay the rest monthly.

Fast forward a year, I had two debt collectors standing at my front door. It turns out my husband has been lying about the amount owed...it's in actual fact £150k. I'm horrified, my heart's racing as I'm writing this. He told me over the phone he'd used £30k of our son's trust fund money towards it. He told me he's incapable of saying no to me (?!) and he knows he's got emotional problems.

I don't understand any of this...I'm in my 50s, yes, I like nice things (who doesn't) but never overspent in terms of the money that's in our account and was surplus after all bills are paid. He didn't come home last night, he's too ashamed and embarrassed and keeps telling me he's no good and I deserve better. I've been with this man for over 30 years and can't imagine life without him, although I massively resent him at this point.

I found out he'd taken his watch (a present for his 50th) to a pawnbroker to get a £1,500 per loan against the watch. He said it was to pay off the rest owed to the tax lawyer. I asked (shouted) why the hell did he not come to me as I'd managed to put some money aside. Again, he was too embarrassed and said he just wanted it sorted and out the way. I ended up giving him over £2k to get the watch back.

I'm worried sick. How on earth do I deal with this without knowing whether he's lying or not? I don't have access to his business account because I'm not company secretary. I have access to everything else (I think?).

I'm mostly disgusted at my son's trust fund. He's 21, and it was meant to be for a down payment on a flat at some point. Now there's nothing. My son's now aware of this and thinks I should leave his dad as he can't be trusted. What do you think? Any advice would be extremely welcome.

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 18/09/2025 12:36

Mouss · 18/09/2025 11:54

You've lived an easy life being a SAHM to one child all your life. You need to bear some of the responsibility for this mess

Edited

How spiteful. Her mistake was in not taking any awareness of money, not being a SAHM. That's not a punishable crime.

Original poster
Shitsinthepost77 · 18/09/2025 12:34

The trust fund was set up when our son was a baby. We paid into it every month. HMRC (through the debt collectors) initially wanted £500k which the tax lawyers explained was nonsense and it was reduced to £150k. That's the final settlement agreed by both parties. I honestly never demanded certain material things because I could see the same amount going into our accounts and that was what we had to either spend or save. Or at least, what i thought we had. My husband (as far as I was aware) paid tax via his business account which i don't have access to. Yes, I should have pushed to see this but I genuinely (until a year ago) thought anything was amiss. All bills were getting paid, apart from the tax as it turns out. It has taken nearly 7 months of wrangling between our lawyers and the debt collectors to reduce £500k (which was ridiculous) to the actual sum of £150k now owed. I'm obviously horrified by all this. I loathe debt. When I was on all those pills I was in the grip of a horrendous addiction cycle and got no help from the doctors. It was hellish. There are no words for the shame and embarrassment I felt and still feel. It never leaves you. Trust me, addiction can strike anyone irrespective of your background. I didn't know which way was up but fought hard to get off them. I don't drink, I've never enjoyed alcohol and could never get past one glass without feeling sick...though strangely not like that with codeine. I have worked in the past btw...at an accountancy firm and then a lawyers. I gave up my job to move to the Middle East when my son was a baby through my husband's work in the oil industry. I've applied for jobs but either don't get called for interview or haven't been successful when I have. I am very articulate, well dressed and look very smart. But again, with money I thought I had....I'm mostly pissed off re my son's trust fund. That's really hard to take. I adore my boy, we're very close and I'm very open with him. He knows everything, I mean everything.

OP posts:
Millionsofmonkeys · 18/09/2025 12:34

drivinmecrazy · 18/09/2025 12:31

I feel for OP. Thankfully never been in the situation that they have found themselves in though.

But comments regarding they themselves not working was and is relatively common with women in their mid fifties. Of which I am one.

we were the last trance of women with whom it was more common to be a SAHM and then found ourselves put out to pasture. So a little bit unfair to berate someone of whom there are many.

had I had the opportunity again I would have done things so differently.

but we are were we are, whoever we are.

I love that women now know their worth in terms of careers and employability. But it wasn’t as cut and dried 25 years ago

I am mid 50s and every single mid 50s mother I know except one who has 3 autistic adults children works and always has done - some took a career break while the kids were little, most just reduced their hours.

Anonomoso · 18/09/2025 12:31

I'm a secretary in our business and am really surprised that they left it to get to 500k before contacting you.

Being the secretary I see all paperwork/outgoings/incoming to do with the business and also have to sign the TAX/VAT forms from the accountants twice yearly, did you not notice at any point that they weren't being given to you to sign?

If you're no longer named as a company employee why are the bailiffs giving you the letters and not your DH.

If you're still liable, and maybe not so, you need to stop listening to what your DH says and seek your own legal advice at least hopefully you'll be hearing the truth to what sort of situation you are in and how best to deal with it.

drivinmecrazy · 18/09/2025 12:31

I feel for OP. Thankfully never been in the situation that they have found themselves in though.

But comments regarding they themselves not working was and is relatively common with women in their mid fifties. Of which I am one.

we were the last trance of women with whom it was more common to be a SAHM and then found ourselves put out to pasture. So a little bit unfair to berate someone of whom there are many.

had I had the opportunity again I would have done things so differently.

but we are were we are, whoever we are.

I love that women now know their worth in terms of careers and employability. But it wasn’t as cut and dried 25 years ago

zacsGranny · 18/09/2025 12:27

OP, do you have any other assets you could sell?
Cars?
Jewellery?
Tech?

Maybe try and raise as much as possible without selling the house, and set up a payment plan for the rest ( once you have seen paperwork confirming what is owed, and who to)

ScarletVelvetSlippers · 18/09/2025 12:26

You are completely employable but you need to accept you will have to work in supermarket, garden centre, cafes, a care home, or find something you can do self-employed.

Kindly too, £130K is not megabucks. It may sound a fortune to many people but almost half of that goes on tax. As a joint income (you don't work) it's not a fortune and is the same as 2 people earning £65K each.

You will simply have to get a job- it's not an option to not work if you split up.

ScarletVelvetSlippers · 18/09/2025 12:23

If he earns £130K pa then owing £150K in tax is about right as the tax on £130K is around 50% including NI. So, 3 years @ £50K tax.

However I agree with the PP that you sound as if you've never bothered to look into your finances.

I'm much older than you, married 39 years and have always worked. I know every single penny we have as we have a spread sheet we update regularly, with all our income including shares, pension, and savings like ISAs.

You need to take some share of this, but you also need to seriously consider leaving him. He is basically deceiving you (and HMRC!)

LittleWeasel · 18/09/2025 12:22

The type of suicide he’ll be thinking of will be leaving his clothes on a beach and running off to Cambodia.

Then you’ll be left to clear up the mess left behind.

2024onwardsandup · 18/09/2025 12:22

Sorry you’re annoyed you can’t get month from
your mother or sister - even though you could
get the money from your house!!??

you have the money to pay off the debt - it’s in your house - pay the money that you owe with the money THAT YOU HAVE

Nutmuncher · 18/09/2025 12:20

TheQuirkyMaker · 18/09/2025 11:17

Once you said he earns £130k you lost my sympathy. I know someone worrying about how to feed her cat and pay rent on £10k per year.

With respect, £130k as a sole income for a couple is hardly rolling in it and is the result of running a business (not particularly well by the sounds of it). Someone on £10k in 2025 is either being paid well below minimum wage or part time so isn't really comparable to a business owner.

KatSlayMoon · 18/09/2025 12:16

I must say it sounds like a right mess OP. £130k a year income really isn’t enough to live the sort of lifestyle you seem to have had, even without the tax issue. You need to take some responsibility here-how on earth can you go through life not knowing a thing about your household finances? That needs to change now - it’s not 1952. I’m at most 15 years younger than you and I can’t imagine living like that.

I also find some of your posts worrying: do not ask your mum or your sister for money. That would be completely out of order when you do have the means to fix the situation (if you don’t want to leave your husband or declare bankruptcy). You will just need to find a job. Look at care work, shop work, cleaning work-whatever you need to do. And you may need to remortgage.

Your husband has lied and committed fraud. If your son’s trust fund was in your son’s name then that is potentially fraud, and your husband needs to own up to that.

The only way to salvage this is brutal honesty and the both of you getting your heads out of fantasy land.

And worrying about whether or not you’d be able to trust another man is absolutely not what you should be focusing on right now-get your priorities in order.

Simplestars · 18/09/2025 12:15

ClareBlue · 18/09/2025 12:12

Financial issues, however large, can be sorted out. We don't throw people in prison for debt anymore unless their is fraud involved. Even prison isn't actually the end of everything. People can and do get through huge life challenges. It often involves complete changes in lifestyle and expectations, but that's not the end of the world either. But it has to start with complete honesty as to what the position is and why it happened. Without that everyone is wasting their time. So unless he is prepared to do that as a couple, then you need to start looking out for yourself quickly.

💯 agree.

Simplestars · 18/09/2025 12:14

Perhaps you both need to sit down together and work how to resolve this.

Honesty is paramount.
Could you downsize?
Could you get a job?

If you don't want to do this then I guess a divorce is the answer.

WordsWords3 · 18/09/2025 12:14

It is still not clear how there doesn't seem to be a professional accountant involved in all this

pinkdelight · 18/09/2025 12:13

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/09/2025 12:04

Yep, reading her updates neither of them are covering themselves in glory. OP hasn’t worked in about 20 years, was addicted to drugs and spent thousands of pounds each month to fund said addiction while her husband shouldered the financial burdens, stole from their DS and committed serious tax evasion.

It sounds like a massive shit show all round.

Show quote history

Agree, and noting the OP's acceptance of being 'unemployable' and passivity in lifestyle choices ('who doesn't?'). Not saying he's right to blame her, but she has to get way more active in her life, not be a helpless victim (also in sister situation), which is what years of this 'traditional' role can feed. There's no option to not get a job and there are jobs she can do if it's the difference between sinking or swimming.

Juliejuly · 18/09/2025 12:13

Crikeyalmighty · 18/09/2025 12:03

I do understand this situation OP , except for us it was the reverse . Like your H I found it hard to say no to my somewhat ‘champagne lifestyle H’ and in all honesty what we had was via his efforts mainly although I did work full time and business was in my name . I am a chronic people pleaser and my H reacted badly when I ever made suggestions about having a lesser house or not having 4 hols ( not flash ones) every year. I think your H was very wrong but clearly cares and I think he was hiding stuff because it’s clear you were struggling if addicted - once you get behind on tax , it can be very hard to catch up and you kind of bury your head in the sand. I think you have to have been there - it kind of mushrooms and is made worse if you have a partner you are tied to financially who is also making demands/has issues

i think people are being very black and white and you have a bit of responsibility too as you must have known your level of spending on medication wasn’t sustainable - however what’s done is done so no point going there

with regards to business, you need to know what they are coming after - if it was a limited company and liquidated was it done via a CVL or did HMRC ‘wind him up’ ? - if it was a CVL it may be they are after his directors loan which he may have used to pay himself because essentially it’s money he was taking out the company over and above what he was entitled to if he had allowed for tax - if he was wound up’ the official receiver will assess and again go after a directors loan and yes if you don’t pay up they can bancrupt and force house sale. However you can often negotiate with the official receiver - I wonder if that’s what he did - hence the reduction , but has yet to come up with the readies because he’s been trying to find a way to broach it with you

on the other hand it may relate to personal tax, in which case you are going to have to remortgage or sell or go bancrupt ( In which case they can still go after the house) I’m not sure if an IVA would be feasible, that usually saves house but would be whacking payments

you do need to toughen up a bit, if he has to work away, so what, try and get yourself a job , any job and if he’s away you will get some headspace too - your son is learning a life lesson - you simply were not in the trust fund league and it was built on sand

wishing you well - there are ways through this, none are easy

Excellent advice, and compassionate.

DameSylvieKrin · 18/09/2025 12:13

GreatWhiteWail · 18/09/2025 11:44

Life insurance won't pay out for suicide, if that's his or anyone else's line of thinking.

Show quote history

Many do on policies older than 12 months

ClareBlue · 18/09/2025 12:12

Financial issues, however large, can be sorted out. We don't throw people in prison for debt anymore unless their is fraud involved. Even prison isn't actually the end of everything. People can and do get through huge life challenges. It often involves complete changes in lifestyle and expectations, but that's not the end of the world either. But it has to start with complete honesty as to what the position is and why it happened. Without that everyone is wasting their time. So unless he is prepared to do that as a couple, then you need to start looking out for yourself quickly.

LidlAmaretto · 18/09/2025 12:09

SilverCamellia · 18/09/2025 11:57

He is a liar and a tax evader but the OP has to take a bit of responsibility. Even a wife who doesn't work should take an interest in financial matters. And spending 1-1.5k a month on medication is ridiculous. Reading between the lines it sounds like she has been a big spender - burying her head in the sand as to where the money came from.

Yes I agree. £150k a year is a good wage but clearly not enough to live the high life with a sahm with a £1k a month pill addiction and put £30k into a trust fund etc. Sounds like some wilful ignorance as to exactly how they had so much money . That being said, I'm not sure adding more to a mortgage is a great idea, especially when the husband doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility. Even when he pawned his watch OP got it back for him. The house will go if he defaults. Maybe better to sell the house, pay the debts and mortgage and live far more modestly either together or apart if possible.

GreatWhiteWail · 18/09/2025 12:09

I can't turn to family. My elderly mum needs her savings and my sister has always appeared to be resentful of me it would appear. She always said in the past, 'you may have the looks but I've got the brains'. A lot of bitterness there and she's always treated me horrendously ie 'shut up trollop' etc etc. Or blonde bimbo....

What would your sister's view of your relationship be?

Teathecolourofcreosote · 18/09/2025 12:08

I think you may also have a typo in your OP. Did you mean it was initially 50k ( not 500k) and has now risen to £150k?

Whether it is 50k or 500k is probably skewing answers. It's lying regardless but the latter implies a much more extravagant lifestyle.

Juliejuly · 18/09/2025 12:07

PlaceIntheClouds · 18/09/2025 12:03

Just how many 'nice things' have you been wanting? It sounds like he has decided not to pay his tax obligations to fund your lifestyle.

Over £72k at least to pay for the drug addiction, thankfully now treated. But my reading of the OP’s update is that he stuck by her in sickness and in health and now it’s her turn to do the for richer for poorer bit.

Teathecolourofcreosote · 18/09/2025 12:06

I think this one is a bit more complicated than just leave him. If he was worried about previous addiction issues I can see why he perhaps didn't want to put this on you.

Is downsizing your home an option? House price alone doesn't tell us much as 300k in one area is a five bedroom and in another a flat.

You need professional advice here. You can't afford not to pay for it.

Try and talk calmly. The trust fund is bad and there will need to be work there but it will have to be part of a wider solution.

Whether you leave him or not, life is going to have to change significantly and you probably need to come to terms with that before starting discussions.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/09/2025 12:04

SilverCamellia · 18/09/2025 11:57

He is a liar and a tax evader but the OP has to take a bit of responsibility. Even a wife who doesn't work should take an interest in financial matters. And spending 1-1.5k a month on medication is ridiculous. Reading between the lines it sounds like she has been a big spender - burying her head in the sand as to where the money came from.

Yep, reading her updates neither of them are covering themselves in glory. OP hasn’t worked in about 20 years, was addicted to drugs and spent thousands of pounds each month to fund said addiction while her husband shouldered the financial burdens, stole from their DS and committed serious tax evasion.

It sounds like a massive shit show all round.