Husband not been paying tax for years

Not necessarily. Depends on the business. You can wrack up huge HMRC bills on VAT an NI without making a penny in profit.

I don’t agree with the poster above. They have done their analysis without reading OP’s updates.

No empathy? He was supporting op during her addiction and when she couldn’t follow through plans to come off it.

You are in a very similar situation to the one my MIL was in.

She divorced FIL. Even so, for years after, friends and family were telling her of FIL's frauds against them, and how he'd borrow money off them, never to pay it off. We ourselves had a $5,000 overdraft he pressured us to take out to save the business, that he promised to pay back, and never did, as well as $3,000 inheritance in a trust account that he could access, that he took.

His son went guarantor on a house mortgage for them, and lost his own house, and his marriage as a result.

She ended up with absolutely nothing, and living with her daughter.

To this day he insists he did nothing wrong, that he gave his family everything, and that they have no right, no reason, not to talk to him.

Please, whatever you do, do not blame yourself for not knowing what he has done, or not done, and do not allow him to make you feel guilty or complicit for his actions.

Take legal advice, and do your best to find out what he has done in your name, or forged your signature to.

Do your best to protect yourself, and your children, and do not allow yourself to be used as a shield by your husband as he seeks to protect himself from the consequences of his actions.

So sell the Porche at an irresistible price immediately and get a cheap second hand small car.

Sell the car
Sell the house + downsize
Get a job

I've applied for jobs but either don't get called for interview or haven't been successful when I have. I am very articulate, well dressed and look very smart.

I can see this if you're still applying for the same kind of roles in accountants and lawyers offices etc but you need to go much wider now given your lack of recent experience and target the jobs that are always available and don't necessarily need you to be very articulate and smart looking. Cast the net much much wider and you will get work.

Agree! I am in my 60s and all my peers have worked for much of their lives bar 1 or 2. The part of the NHS I am employed in is full of women in their 50s and 60s. Most of my friends' mothers worked too when their kids were young.

Absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM but let's not re-write history around it.

nothing is not solvable. It’s just going to feel that way. And my first thought was concern for his health right now.
I’ve assumed your husband is employed now?
you’ll be able to remortgage, with the mortgage running until your 70. The other option is to downsize if that’s possible.
id also be including your sons 30k debt in whatever you decide to do.

if you love him this doesn’t have to be the end of the but he needs to work with you right now to solve this.

I am nearly 59 and I don't know any SAHMs of my age!

I thought I had been following all this attentively, but the sudden appearance of ‘our surplus money’ has confused me.

Yes, and me. I’d get joint legal and financial advice and sort it out together. OP has never worked, so I’d at least try and sort it out.

Debt stress can make liars of anyone.

Really I'm 58 I work my Mother worked full time I dont know a single women my age who doesn't work.

If that fund was a proper trust fund, with all the legalities associated with the set up your husband had commit theft and fraud and could go to prison. Are you sure it's a trust fund not just an account in your names?

Well really the Trust Fund wasn't your sons - it was funded by money that should have been paid in tax! If your taxes had been paid there wouldn't have been any left to pay into the Trust!

You COULD get a job OP, you are articulate and physically able so go round the supermarkets in your vicinity and ask if there are any vacancies for anything.

Your DH stood by you during your addiction which hit him financially and emotionally.

Your turn to stand up and be counted I think. Be proactive. Take control of the finances and GET A JOB, ANY JOB.

Or sell your house, pay off all the tax and buy a little cheap property to live in.

I'm another who's aghast and pretty disgusted that you even thought of borrowing from family.

You have been incredibly honest on here. Ignore the addiction posts, they obviously know nothing about it. It’s so easy to get hooked on them, and doctors were not as careful as they are today, nor was there any support to help people. It’s ruined the lives of so many and thankfully you aren’t one of them op.

This is a major blow, but I agree your dh appears to love you and has done this with good intentions. The motive is important here. He has strived to keep you happy, and tried to contain the unfolding disaster himself.

He needs counselling, and then you both need couples counselling to discuss how the dynamics have affected his judgement and the impact of the loss of trust, you need to get to the bottom of why he did it. Almost certainly conditioning from his childhood.

Get the house valued and consider downsizing so you can pay back you debts and your son, and start again. It is your best chance.

Legal advice individually and maybe just maybe you will be able to get past this in time with conditions that you monitor all finances.

I've become used to a certain lifestyle

what does that mean? You have said this multiple times.

Does he even love you? I guess he does or else he must have put pressure on you to contribute financially too.
But you don’t say where money was being spent.

Easy for posters to say divorce him without having all the details. I am getting a sense you have expensive taste as you say you are used to certain lifestyle and he was funding it plus maybe his own expensive taste by avoiding taxes.

My accountant lets me know how much tax I owe, but they don't force me to pay it.

You've identified the solution yourself. Remortgage and pay off the debt. Your default seems to be what other family members can provide, yet it's not clear why they should be the ones to sort this?

Remortgage to state pension age, get a job yourself, and get a laser light focus on family finances and business finances if you want to stay with him.

And go through everything now with an expert to make sure he's not lying any more than he already has.

OP can not fund her life after divorce. Therefore she needs to get a job - any job - immediately. There are few people who are unemployable if they are healthy and willing to take a poorly paid job then look for something better in a few months. That might mean cleaning or care work or McDonalds or a call centre.

Yes she needs to know how bad the debts are but she has contributed to the problems and needs to start paying them down. If she has liked "nice things" maybe she can sell some of them to help pay back a little while she is looking for a job.

If Accounts were not filed then certain assumptions about CT and VAT will have been made by HMRC and the true figure might not have been known until this happened, its a huge drop though

Bollocks. I am very late 40s so only few years younger than OP and none of my peers were SAHM's.

Have disagree with this. It sounds more like my MILs generation (now aged late 70s). I'm in my 50s, always worked, and it was very normal to keep working and a specific choice couples/women made to be SAHM, because they wanted to not because it was the done thing and they were so passive they could be 'put out to pasture'. Clearly your experience was different but I wouldn't absolve the OP by blaming social mores for this one. She sounds more like she's bought into the WAG of it all, with the comments of liking nice things, fancy watches, 'blonde bimbo' and so on. Sounds like her sister worked and OP could've gone back at any point if she'd wanted to with one DC in school, but it suited her not to and it's still suiting her to be 'unemployable' even though she's really not.

This. It’s not making much sense to me.

If you owed this much tax then the tax man would have you in court.

If you had been to court surely you know the exact amount.