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AIBU?

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Original poster

My exes and finances

268 replies

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 21:51

New poster here.
I have 2 DDs aged 15 and 7, they have different dads. My eldest sees her dad every other weekend Saturday and Sunday and he pays me just over £550 a month in maintenance. My other DD sees her dad every Friday after school until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. Until 18 months ago he used to pay me £250 a month as he has 2 children from his new wife at home as well which meant what my daughter gets went down.

His wife has a great job and is the breadwinner in the home. 18 months ago he decided to stop working and instead is staying at home with the kids meaning I was getting nothing. I spoke to his wife about this and she said that they already pay for her gymnastics and art class and thinks that more than covers an acceptable amount. They were already paying these though and I was getting £250 a month on top.

I have just found out that he has won some form of claim against his ex employer and is about to receive £190,000. I messaged him saying some of that money is mine for his daughter and he can’t just ignore her. He has responded saying that the money is not for that and I am not entitled to anything. I told him that I am out £4500 over the last 18 months through no fault of my own and should be entitled to some money. I asked if he is planning on going back to work soon and he said it looks unlikely. I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

AIBU to think that I should be entitled to some of the payout from his ex employer. This is money for lost earnings and I lost earnings whilst he wasn’t working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:42

ARichtGoodDram · 17/09/2025 23:39

If he's receiving 190k compensation for an accident at work then he's had a heck of an accident and doesn't suggest the decision to be a SAHP is remotely down to laziness

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He lost use of the right side of his body. However, just because he can no longer work manual labour there’s other work out there.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 23:41

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:40

He keeps telling me that this money is for his household and for his medical expenses which seems to be saying not for my daughter.

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She’s part of his household though.

Original poster
Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:40

Cupofteawithsugar · 17/09/2025 23:36

Why aren’t your children in school?

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My children are in school

OP posts:
Original poster
Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:40

RogerR4bbit · 17/09/2025 23:36

If your ex is a SAHD, why doesn’t he see more of your joint DD and do school runs etc so you can work more hours and build up your career?

I have to say that men who don’t pay for their DC are utter wankers, especially when he’s just been given a 6 figure pay-out. But if he’s not going to, you can either speak to CMS and see if the lump sum he’s getting can be factored into CM, or get him to do more parenting so you can work more.

He keeps telling me that this money is for his household and for his medical expenses which seems to be saying not for my daughter.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 17/09/2025 23:39

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:15

I genuinely thought a website for mums would be more sympathetic to my needs and less focused on making my lazy ex sound like a good dad.

If he's receiving 190k compensation for an accident at work then he's had a heck of an accident and doesn't suggest the decision to be a SAHP is remotely down to laziness

NoahDia · 17/09/2025 23:39

Cupofteawithsugar · 17/09/2025 23:36

Why aren’t your children in school?

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This is what I wondered?

DurinsBane · 17/09/2025 23:38

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:28

He already looks after his daughter, I’m struggling to see why you’d want to give him more time when he already has every weekend with her, don’t you ever want weekend time with her? Messaging your ex to tell him ‘some of that money is mine’ was clearly never going to get you anywhere, who would agree to someone talking to them like that?

No, she wants him to have less time

DurinsBane · 17/09/2025 23:37

I agree if one person in a marriage gives up work to be SAHP, maintenance should still be paid from the working spouse’ wage, as being married it is joint family money. However, saying he shouldn’t have his daughter if he isn’t paying maintenance is wrong

Cupofteawithsugar · 17/09/2025 23:36

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:05

I have asked for more hours but where I work it’s either part time or full time and I can’t work the full time hours.

He pays £100 a month into a trust for my daughter but put it in his new wives name after his accident so sure my daughter won’t ever see that money.

I use my weekends to unwind after looking after my daughters all week.

Why aren’t your children in school?

RogerR4bbit · 17/09/2025 23:36

If your ex is a SAHD, why doesn’t he see more of your joint DD and do school runs etc so you can work more hours and build up your career?

I have to say that men who don’t pay for their DC are utter wankers, especially when he’s just been given a 6 figure pay-out. But if he’s not going to, you can either speak to CMS and see if the lump sum he’s getting can be factored into CM, or get him to do more parenting so you can work more.

Douchey · 17/09/2025 23:35

Personally I dont think YABU. You sound angry, which i get, so i dont really understand the hate being thrown at you.

Have you contacted CMS?

InfoSecInTheCity · 17/09/2025 23:34

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:05

I have asked for more hours but where I work it’s either part time or full time and I can’t work the full time hours.

He pays £100 a month into a trust for my daughter but put it in his new wives name after his accident so sure my daughter won’t ever see that money.

I use my weekends to unwind after looking after my daughters all week.

You can work full time hours, you could do every weekend and 3 days during the week while your daughters are at school and then have 2 weekdays off work, at most you would need childcare for 3 afternoons between school pick up and you finishing work, but your 15 yr old may actually be able to help out there if she’s willing.

I’d be more sympathetic if I hadn’t been working full time since DD was 9 months old, paying over twice my mortgage in nursery fees before the 3 year old funding kicked in and using my weekends to catch up on all the stuff I couldn’t do during the week.

apostrophewoman · 17/09/2025 23:29

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:05

I have asked for more hours but where I work it’s either part time or full time and I can’t work the full time hours.

He pays £100 a month into a trust for my daughter but put it in his new wives name after his accident so sure my daughter won’t ever see that money.

I use my weekends to unwind after looking after my daughters all week.

Other work establishments other than Tesco are available.

Noideamatey · 17/09/2025 23:27

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:46

I am a single mum. I have 2 children at home and I have no partner so I am a single mum.

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Me too, but I still manage to work full time

No one owes you to sit on your arse

BeHappySloth · 17/09/2025 23:24

Crochetandtea · 17/09/2025 23:20

Your ex is playing you at your own game. You don’t want to work and neither does he? Sounds like the next mug who settled for him just had more money than you.

Yep, sounds like that.

Crochetandtea · 17/09/2025 23:20

Your ex is playing you at your own game. You don’t want to work and neither does he? Sounds like the next mug who settled for him just had more money than you.

BeHappySloth · 17/09/2025 23:20

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:15

I genuinely thought a website for mums would be more sympathetic to my needs and less focused on making my lazy ex sound like a good dad.

He doesn't earn because he is a SAHP, but he has your dd for nearly half the week and pays for her extracurricular activities. You could legitimately ask him to take your dd for another night once a fortnight so that it's properly 50/50. Or you could ask him to do even more, but then you would need to pay maintenance to him.

He doesn't work so he can't pay you, but he is pulling his weight.

Mrsmouse71 · 17/09/2025 23:19

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:15

I genuinely thought a website for mums would be more sympathetic to my needs and less focused on making my lazy ex sound like a good dad.

It’s more advice, listening ear, hand hold not me,me,me

Crochetandtea · 17/09/2025 23:18

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:15

I genuinely thought a website for mums would be more sympathetic to my needs and less focused on making my lazy ex sound like a good dad.

Lots of women on this site work fulltime hours and the idea of having the weeeknd to relax from taking care of their children during the week is completely alien to them. That’s when they clean the house , do the food shop etc.
These are the women paying the taxes which allow you to work a mere 15 Hours a week.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 23:17

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:15

I genuinely thought a website for mums would be more sympathetic to my needs and less focused on making my lazy ex sound like a good dad.

It’s not about male or female, it’s ’am I being unreasonable’ and the answer is yes.

MummytoE · 17/09/2025 23:16

"my daughter" "my maintenance" " my money"
Says a lot

Original poster
Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:15

I genuinely thought a website for mums would be more sympathetic to my needs and less focused on making my lazy ex sound like a good dad.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 23:14

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:05

I have asked for more hours but where I work it’s either part time or full time and I can’t work the full time hours.

He pays £100 a month into a trust for my daughter but put it in his new wives name after his accident so sure my daughter won’t ever see that money.

I use my weekends to unwind after looking after my daughters all week.

You can work the full time hours, or you can change jobs to one with more hours. You don’t need all weekend to ‘unwind’ and if you need more money then you can’t afford it either

BeHappySloth · 17/09/2025 23:12

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:05

I have asked for more hours but where I work it’s either part time or full time and I can’t work the full time hours.

He pays £100 a month into a trust for my daughter but put it in his new wives name after his accident so sure my daughter won’t ever see that money.

I use my weekends to unwind after looking after my daughters all week.

Well, it's lovely to have the weekends to relax if you can afford it, but it doesn't sound like you can. If you need more money, then you will have to increase your hours or find a second job.

Crochetandtea · 17/09/2025 23:10

*fund