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Original poster

My exes and finances

268 replies

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 21:51

New poster here.
I have 2 DDs aged 15 and 7, they have different dads. My eldest sees her dad every other weekend Saturday and Sunday and he pays me just over £550 a month in maintenance. My other DD sees her dad every Friday after school until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. Until 18 months ago he used to pay me £250 a month as he has 2 children from his new wife at home as well which meant what my daughter gets went down.

His wife has a great job and is the breadwinner in the home. 18 months ago he decided to stop working and instead is staying at home with the kids meaning I was getting nothing. I spoke to his wife about this and she said that they already pay for her gymnastics and art class and thinks that more than covers an acceptable amount. They were already paying these though and I was getting £250 a month on top.

I have just found out that he has won some form of claim against his ex employer and is about to receive £190,000. I messaged him saying some of that money is mine for his daughter and he can’t just ignore her. He has responded saying that the money is not for that and I am not entitled to anything. I told him that I am out £4500 over the last 18 months through no fault of my own and should be entitled to some money. I asked if he is planning on going back to work soon and he said it looks unlikely. I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

AIBU to think that I should be entitled to some of the payout from his ex employer. This is money for lost earnings and I lost earnings whilst he wasn’t working.

OP posts:
Eightdayz · 18/09/2025 00:15

If you've no written and signed agreement about maintenance payments you haven't a leg to stand on..

Take him to court see how you get on?

Original poster
Exandstress · 18/09/2025 00:12

wineosaurus4 · 18/09/2025 00:04

I very rarely comment on threads, but hahahahah PLEASE!! Never read anything so ridiculous and entitled in my life Grin I’m 99% sure this is a troll.. has to be!!

Not sure how my life is a troll. All I wanted to know was if we were entitled to his work comp.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 18/09/2025 00:11

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:30

He can’t be bothered to work so how can he possibly be responsible enough to look after her.

My daughter doesn’t like change so wouldn’t want to change the arrangement she has had in place for 5 years.

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that doesn't make any sense, what does working have to do with his capability to parent his child.

if he has her friday to monday weekly, thats a fair bit. Ask for less money and he may be amenable. or increase her days with him so its 50/50 and reduces your costs ?

wineosaurus4 · 18/09/2025 00:04

I very rarely comment on threads, but hahahahah PLEASE!! Never read anything so ridiculous and entitled in my life Grin I’m 99% sure this is a troll.. has to be!!

Francestein · 18/09/2025 00:02

Put it to CMS and see what they say

BeHappySloth · 18/09/2025 00:02

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:54

The issue I have is my other ex partner has always paid for my eldest DD meaning I had the time with her when she was little. Now I feel I can’t provide the same love and time with my youngest DD as her dad isn’t supporting like he should.

I work very hard with school runs and going to work during the day. On an evening I have lots to do with my DD in her GCSE year and my youngest going to gymnastics and art club. Some time at the weekend when I don’t have eldest DD is needed.

No, OP. Some time might be wanted at the weekend, but you could easily work more hours and continue to support your dd. You have 30 hours a week when she is in school plus the entire weekend.

Yes, it can be busy juggling the school run and ferrying kids to evening activities etc while also holding down a job and running a household, but lots of us do it.

From what you've said, it sounds like you could afford to take it easy with your older dc because your ex was able to pay more, and you're now resenting the difference. However, the father of your second dd is contributing in a different way, by spending more time with his dc. That's also valid. You can't demand that he provides financially so that you can do all the fun bits.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/09/2025 00:01

Bigcat25 · 18/09/2025 00:00

He should work so that he can support his daughter a bit more.

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He is disabled following an accident at work… and hasn’t even received the payout for it yet, people on here are awful sometimes.

Bigcat25 · 18/09/2025 00:00

Crochetandtea · 17/09/2025 23:09

Your children are at school all week. I don’t blame your ex for not working tbh. At least he isn’t relying on tax payers to find him.

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He should work so that he can support his daughter a bit more.

everychildmatters · 17/09/2025 23:59

@Exandstress How many hours a day do you work and how many days? Could you increase that or would that mean a reduction in your UC? Which I take it you also get?

Original poster
Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:54

The issue I have is my other ex partner has always paid for my eldest DD meaning I had the time with her when she was little. Now I feel I can’t provide the same love and time with my youngest DD as her dad isn’t supporting like he should.

I work very hard with school runs and going to work during the day. On an evening I have lots to do with my DD in her GCSE year and my youngest going to gymnastics and art club. Some time at the weekend when I don’t have eldest DD is needed.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeHappySloth · 17/09/2025 23:50

nomas · 17/09/2025 23:45

He has money, of course he should support his child.

I’m sorry he’s such a shit, OP. And that so many people think it’s just your job to raise your dd.

I’d speak to a lawyer to see if your dd has any entitlement to support from that £190k.

Who is saying that it's only the OP's job to raise her child? The dad has her for nearly half the week in any case, and pays for her extracurricular activities.

And yes, he has money because he has had a life changing injury. Some of that money will no doubt be used to continue to support his daughter, but he isn't under any obligation to start giving handouts to the OP.

MummytoE · 17/09/2025 23:49

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:42

He lost use of the right side of his body. However, just because he can no longer work manual labour there’s other work out there.

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Pot kettle 😂

Nothankyov · 17/09/2025 23:48

If this is real - as some posters are now questioning it (still can’t figure out who does that 🙄) - then I don’t think so. My understanding is that maintenance is only considered if it’s an ongoing income not one off settlement.

Ladyzfactor · 17/09/2025 23:48

The OP is so outrageous and coming across as such a stereotype of a lazy mum that I wonder if this is a troll.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/09/2025 23:46

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:46

I am a single mum. I have 2 children at home and I have no partner so I am a single mum.

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I don’t quite understand this.

Your eldest is 15 so doesn’t need childcare. Your younger child spends three nights a week, including the whole of every weekend, with her Dad. Plus she must go to school. You’ve got bags of time to work.

I’ve always worked full time and I’ve been a single parent since my youngest was two.

To be fair to your exh he has your joint dd more actual time that you - you just have more nights.

I did think he was playing the maintenance system a bit in living off his wife, but once I saw what his injury was I retract that (edited).

BeHappySloth · 17/09/2025 23:46

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:42

He lost use of the right side of his body. However, just because he can no longer work manual labour there’s other work out there.

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So he has had a major, life changing injury and he already looks after your dd for nearly half of the week. You want him to go out and find different work so that you can carry on doing 15 hours a week and putting your feet up at the weekends?

FFS!

Yamamm · 17/09/2025 23:45

You’re only working two days a week with one 7 year old at school most weeks and one old enough to mostly look after herself. He has two younger ones and another one every weekend. His wife is working in a high paying job.
On the face of it he is much more hard working than you. He doesn’t owe you anything. He has your DD on the days she’s not at school.

nomas · 17/09/2025 23:45

He has money, of course he should support his child.

I’m sorry he’s such a shit, OP. And that so many people think it’s just your job to raise your dd.

I’d speak to a lawyer to see if your dd has any entitlement to support from that £190k.

NoahDia · 17/09/2025 23:45

And there's full time work out there for you, but yet here you are, working part time and needing a 'rest' at weekends from parenting your school aged kids 🤷‍♀️

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 23:44

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:42

He lost use of the right side of his body. However, just because he can no longer work manual labour there’s other work out there.

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You must be a troll surely?

HoskinsChoice · 17/09/2025 23:44

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:05

I have asked for more hours but where I work it’s either part time or full time and I can’t work the full time hours.

He pays £100 a month into a trust for my daughter but put it in his new wives name after his accident so sure my daughter won’t ever see that money.

I use my weekends to unwind after looking after my daughters all week.

I'll give you some credit, I thought this was genuine until you said you need to unwind. Have you got nothing better to do than troll mumsnet?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 23:44

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:43

Exactly so should be treated as such.

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That doesn’t equate to giving you money. She’s part of his household 3 night a week and the money will support her there.

Original poster
Exandstress · 17/09/2025 23:43

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 23:41

She’s part of his household though.

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Exactly so should be treated as such.

OP posts:
BeHappySloth · 17/09/2025 23:42

RogerR4bbit · 17/09/2025 23:36

If your ex is a SAHD, why doesn’t he see more of your joint DD and do school runs etc so you can work more hours and build up your career?

I have to say that men who don’t pay for their DC are utter wankers, especially when he’s just been given a 6 figure pay-out. But if he’s not going to, you can either speak to CMS and see if the lump sum he’s getting can be factored into CM, or get him to do more parenting so you can work more.

To be fair, he's almost doing 50/50 already.