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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know when he’s coming home?

164 replies

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:30

My partner moved in with me recently. He works with his dad and their studio is connected to his parents house. They tend to finish work about 5:30.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever.

Because of this, if we don’t have proper plans, I don’t know when he’s coming home. It’s never super late. Sometimes it’s around 9:30 but not usually later. He’ll bring his own food home if he hasn’t eaten with his parents.

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

He’s so used to this routine from before he lived with me (he lived alone then but considered his parents house “home”) and he doesn’t think anything of it, but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around a bit, with no real idea when he’s coming back. Obviously I do my own thing if it comes up but that doesn’t happen all the time. About half the week we have entirely separate plans anyway.

Last night he said he’d had a busy day and was tired so he was just chilling there for a an hour before he decided what to do, but after a few hours with still no update, I got a bit irritated and for the first time ever sent an angry message. It wasn’t particularly late - it was only 9pm but I’d asked him 2 hours prior what his plan was, and still didn’t get a straight answer. I don’t feel good about that and I apologised but I think it was starting to get to me as I start so many of my evenings not knowing if he’s coming back for the evening.

He got a bit annoyed with this as he said he didn’t always like to plan in advance and wanted to sometimes play by ear.

He’s so reliable and never ever lets me down if we have something planned, but if we don’t, I don’t get any idea when he’ll be home.

He’s not doing anything untoward, he’s definitely always there at his parents.

AIBU to want some idea of his whereabouts and timings now we live together? Or is it quite normal to not give your partner this info?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 17/09/2025 15:29

Yeah this would drive me nuts. It sounds like he sees that as his home more than where he lives with you.

Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 15:25

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:05

Well yes Op, I think that’s a bit of a concern in itself

are you both quite young?

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Not remotely. We both have grown up children.

OP posts:
Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:25

I was very irritated when I wrote the post so perhaps misconstrued.

you started a thread barely an hour ago!

SilverCamellia · 17/09/2025 15:19

He sounds a bit of a mummy's boy. Wouldn't suit me.

RogerR4bbit · 17/09/2025 15:15

You said he’d be fine if it was he other way around, but have you tested that theory?

Has he ever come home by, say, 6:30pm and contacted you to find out where you are and you said “I’m just out chilling, I’ll be back in an hour” and then not come back?

How many evenings does he have alone in your home?

I suspect his evenings are spent either at his parents, home with you, or out doing a planned activity/hobby/seeing friends etc. Therefore he’s never the one sat at home, expecting you to walk through the door any minute and you just don’t.

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:05

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:56

He’s just super laid back. The other way round he wouldn’t bat an eyelid!

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Well yes Op, I think that’s a bit of a concern in itself

are you both quite young?

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:05

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:58

He pays rent, does more housework than me and is a completely equal partner. It’s just these couple of nights a week when he falls back into the same routine he had before he moved in with me.

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Ok so…. You’ve gone from feeling decidedly pissed off to…. Hey, chill out guys, he’s a gem.

Jacobfinished · 17/09/2025 15:04

Bizarre

It’s starting to drive me a bit mad. I feel like a nag if I keep asking him if/when he’ll be back and if I should save him some dinner.

and yet when we agree that it’s rude (and also bloody weird), the OP starts back pedalling about how actually it’s only the “odd night” (2x a week isn’t odd) and that actually he is a prince

ginasevern · 17/09/2025 15:03

"I have no doubts whatsoever about his feelings for me or his commitment. "

But you do, don't you - otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. To be honest I think you have every right to be properly pissed off about the situation. It's all a bit ridiculous really. He's basically getting the best of both worlds. He's got all the home comforts of mummy and daddy with the "old" world and then there's "new" world that also offers him sex! I'd have a very serious word about all of this before you start planning a family.

Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:58

Bikergran · 17/09/2025 14:22

What is the advantage to you of him moving in? Is he making any financial contribution, is he doing 50% of the housework, washing, cleaning etc? If no, kick him out and raise your standards.

He pays rent, does more housework than me and is a completely equal partner. It’s just these couple of nights a week when he falls back into the same routine he had before he moved in with me.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 14:57

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:56

He’s just super laid back. The other way round he wouldn’t bat an eyelid!

Show quote history

Each to their own I guess 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:56

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 14:54

And you’re okay with that? Confused

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He’s just super laid back. The other way round he wouldn’t bat an eyelid!

OP posts:
Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:55

Tillow4ever · 17/09/2025 14:42

How often does this happen? The impression I got from from your OP was this is pretty much daily.

Once a week, as long as he let me know he was staying at his parents after work that day and I knew to only sort food for myself wouldn’t be an issue.

Every day would drive me insane.

Why does he stay when they aren’t there? I get using the gym equipment for free, or spending time with his parents - but to sit and watch tv when they are out is odd.

I have presence you don’t have children as you haven’t mentioned any - if you do, my answers would change.

How much of the housework etc does he do?

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Probably twice a week. It used to be a lot more when we first lived together but we have more of a routine now.

I was very irritated when I wrote the post so perhaps misconstrued.

Friday - Sunday we’re always together, and we have separate activity that we do a couple of week nights.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 17/09/2025 14:54

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:38

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

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And you’re okay with that? Confused

Wishimaywishimight · 17/09/2025 14:48

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 13:38

He doesn’t even always eat with them. Sometimes he’s just chilling on the sofa there and they’re not even home.

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So he would rather sit in their house, on his own, than come home to you?

Sleepeye · 17/09/2025 14:47

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Snizzywu · 17/09/2025 14:45

Is this a regular thing or not? Your initial post sounded as if it is but your update suggests otherwise.

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever

I find it odd that after spending a whole day working with his Dad he finds it necessary to “usually” hang around after work with his parents too when he has a partner at home. Makes sense if he lived alone but he doesn’t.

And what do you mean by he brings his own food home if he doesn’t eat dinner at his parents ?

You live together - are his groceries not in your shared home? By his own food do you mean food from his parents house or a takeaway?

It’s strange that he doesn’t want to eat dinner with you most nights

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 17/09/2025 14:45

Unless we have specific plans together, he’ll usually just hang around at his parents after work, eat dinner with them, use his dad’s home gym or whatever

but I spent the last couple of nights waiting around

It’s just these odd nights here and there

You said at first ‘usually’ and ‘the last couple of nights’ then after you got everyone’s reasonable replies, changed it to ‘odd nights here and there’.

I think other posters are correct. And yes, what’s the point of him living with you?

Tillow4ever · 17/09/2025 14:42

Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:31

I feel like I’ve somewhat misrepresented him. He’s honestly the loveliest most supportive partner. Yes we spend weekends together - alone, with his family, with my family. We’re an entirely normal couple the majority of the time. It’s hard to represent via an anon online forum but everything is completely lovely except this one odd thing.

It’s just these odd nights here and there where he forgets himself and hangs out at his parents after work, and can’t seem to get used to updating me on his plan.

I have no doubts whatsoever about his feelings for me or his commitment. I do, however, think it’s more normal tk let your partner know when you’ll be back.

How often does this happen? The impression I got from from your OP was this is pretty much daily.

Once a week, as long as he let me know he was staying at his parents after work that day and I knew to only sort food for myself wouldn’t be an issue.

Every day would drive me insane.

Why does he stay when they aren’t there? I get using the gym equipment for free, or spending time with his parents - but to sit and watch tv when they are out is odd.

I have presence you don’t have children as you haven’t mentioned any - if you do, my answers would change.

How much of the housework etc does he do?

RedSkyatNight25 · 17/09/2025 14:42

My husband would easily get waylaid at work and NOT let me know. I usually enquire after his well being at around 8pm.

TBH pre kids I had hobbies that meant I was quite sporadic on when I got home too.

Original poster
Waitykatey · 17/09/2025 14:31

I feel like I’ve somewhat misrepresented him. He’s honestly the loveliest most supportive partner. Yes we spend weekends together - alone, with his family, with my family. We’re an entirely normal couple the majority of the time. It’s hard to represent via an anon online forum but everything is completely lovely except this one odd thing.

It’s just these odd nights here and there where he forgets himself and hangs out at his parents after work, and can’t seem to get used to updating me on his plan.

I have no doubts whatsoever about his feelings for me or his commitment. I do, however, think it’s more normal tk let your partner know when you’ll be back.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/09/2025 14:30

@Waitykatey oh dear! how long is the apron string????

decenteringmen · 17/09/2025 14:24

LOLNO I wouldn't put up with that nonsense. Tell him he needs to move back into his parents house, because he clearly can't cut the cord. This won't get any better.

cooldarkroom · 17/09/2025 14:23

He is just using your address to pseudo pretend to be a grown up !
is he paying rent ?
He prefers his parents home to your company. kind if says it all

Bikergran · 17/09/2025 14:22

What is the advantage to you of him moving in? Is he making any financial contribution, is he doing 50% of the housework, washing, cleaning etc? If no, kick him out and raise your standards.

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